i need your feedback and help

[halfpint04]

I have two versions of a poem I wrote. . I need help deciding which one to use for a poetry night reading


Just Touch Me (version 1)

Just touch me already
What are you?
Chicken?
Too scared to show emotion?
Too scared to love?

It doesn't have to be anything big
a hug, a kiss, a handhold
brush by me, poke me

Just show me you are real
That I am real
With no touching
I feel maybe I don't exist

Maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination
created on the view of what I think I should be
Maybe I've created you and you aren't real
is that why you won't touch me?


Just Touch Me (version 2)

Just touch me
grab me
pinch me
slap me
choke me
hold me
hug me
kiss me
just fucking touch me

let me know that you are real
that you exist
that I exist
that this exist

just touch me
please!
I'll ask nicely
I'll beg
I'll plead
just touch me

What you are scared of?
that this may actually be real?
that something this amazing can exist?
that it won't be the same afterward?

just take a chance
that a chance with me
with this
with you
with us
just reach out and fucking touch me

[TwoDogs]

Definitely Version #1.

#2 comes off as too pushy, too needy and maybe a tad psychotic. (I'm an expert on psychosis. Decades of experience.) Not that that's a bad thing in poetry. In real life, however, it puts a lot of people at a distance.

[Fates_PD]

I preferred version 2 personally. I agree with TwoDogs but I think it adds a sort of desperation to it. The list and lack of punctuation make you read it quickly and I like that.

[pixeewinged]

I liked version 2 as well, probly because it reminds me a little of Nine Inch Nails eraser... I'd go with that one

[deviate]

You could add the first stanza of the second piece to the end of the first piece

[Petycash]

well ive been writing poetry for a couple of years now and i definatly think ver. 1 is much better. sure ver. 2 may read well also but 1 has much more quality in it. 2 seems very rushed and isnt formatted as well.