Love poems- feedback?

[madlizard]

When I write, it tends to be more of an unorganized list of private thoughts. I thought I'd get some feedback on how I can improve because I am always trying to improve the way in which I communicate. My words tend to confuse and I tend to favor some lines a lot over others. I want to make more sense of my poetic writing while still keeping it poetic.

Here's a couple of love poems I wrote. I'll use them as an example to judge by. I usually write poetry which seems a bit darker and more obscure.

1)

I know chaos because
I see him and when I do
A mysterious mental illness is acquired.
Insanity exists in one brush against my face.
My thoughts swell with one kiss.
And I know.
I know that the world doesn’t even know what love is.
But I do.

And, love, the craving for you is like one
For an addictive substance.
The craving for you is like none other I’ve ever seen before.
Almost disgustingly ridiculous, unbelievable
And yet so beautifully pleasurable.

Erotic penciling about you
Burning thoughts and a cinnamon sensation
Accompanies the thighs at the thought of
The unmistakable sensitivity,
The inevitable - that I will succumb, collapsing
to your touch.
And the knowledge that even after
Passionate kisses and
Profound pleasure

I can still be smiling and feel embraced
My hope is why I live.
And my love…
He is what makes the rest tolerable
pleasurable, significant.

My trust for him is the feat I am most proud of
And the highest compliment to him.


&


A form of amnesia minus one
accompanied by one press of two pairs of lips,
and one constrictive embrace to keep one
from sliding off the edge-
can drive one away..
if it’s allowed to happen.

A fleeting glimpse of closeness-
absolute.
unexpectedly growing
your lover’s wings
after taking a terminal dive off of a cliff.
It’s obvious when it happens because
their familiar voice which seemingly conveys
a deep pain
amounts to screaming insanity and searing pain. And
One wrong roll of the dice and an excruciating longing is created
And you know you’ve fallen,
because there is a willing to play
despite these risks.

In this game, Emotional nudity
Is distinguished,
but in these beautiful, accepting arms,
even for just one minute,
freedom and beauty are within reach
and a million thrashing butterflies
release themselves with every word expressing this emotion.
And living means an immense longing to give pleasure

An excess of mind pollution clears,
and the tranquil moment gives hope
that could be stretched across the entire universe.


And wings can be folded with no fear,
Because more than anything
Each one needs the other.

And all the beauties of the world
can be conveyed while in the arms of one.
And it’s eminent, and it’s beautiful.

[MrCoolGuy69]

i like your poetry. you want opinions on how to improve, but thats what poetry is about...YOUR own thoughts and feelings. I think you are doing just fine! They are good

[The Instinct]

I read the first one and liked it a lot, if your looking for advice, I may not be the best to give it nor anyone else, but sometimes a pointer is good when one is looking and accpeting. I've been writing for over 10 years now and still struggle. Best advice-keep writing. More on a personal note...write diverse. Look deep within and write whatever you feel through and through. Most of all never lie to yourself. Now, I was looking for the same thing (advice) for my writing, check mine out, I would love to hear a pointer.

[redyelruc]

When I write, it tends to be more of an unorganized list of private thoughts. I thought I'd get some feedback on how I can improve because I am always trying to improve the way in which I communicate. My words tend to confuse and I tend to favor some lines a lot over others. I want to make more sense of my poetic writing while still keeping it poetic.


I know chaos because
I see him and when I do
A mysterious mental illness is acquired.
Insanity exists in one brush against my face.
My thoughts swell with one kiss.
And I know.
I know that the world doesn’t even know what love is.
But I do.

And, love, the craving for you is like one
For an addictive substance.
The craving for you is like none other I’ve ever seen before.
Almost disgustingly ridiculous, unbelievable
And yet so beautifully pleasurable.

Erotic penciling about you
Burning thoughts and a cinnamon sensation
Accompanies the thighs at the thought of
The unmistakable sensitivity,
The inevitable - that I will succumb, collapsing
to your touch.
And the knowledge that even after
Passionate kisses and
Profound pleasure

I can still be smiling and feel embraced
My hope is why I live.
And my love…
He is what makes the rest tolerable
pleasurable, significant.

My trust for him is the feat I am most proud of
And the highest compliment to him.



OK madlizard. I've read your first poem and enjoyed it. I think that you have a certain way with words, but as you've noted yourself, it seems to be more a an unorganized list of private thoughts than a coherent work of poetry.

There are a couple of things that you could do to polish your poems. I tend to try to find a rhyme(sort of easy to do but not easy to do well) to fit the poem into. To avoid Hallmark type rhyming, you can vary the rhyme patterns(which I'm trying to learn how to do) and meter of the poem. I always read poems aloud which I think is a good way of telling if it sounds good.

Another thing that I try, is to keep the imagery in the poem on a certain theme. For instance, you have used cinnamon sensation(which I think was wonderful). How about trying to find some other spice-like adjectives or images in the work to give it a sort of coherence. Or repeatedly employ certain phrases(like I know) throughout the piece to bring the reader back to the point.

I also write freestyle, like you have done here but then I go back and work and rework the words, cutting excess, trying to say more with less. Poetry is more of a craft, I think, rather than a natural talent. Of course, talent helps.

These are just some pointers, I am no master poet. There are a couple of threads on here that I use as learning tools. Check out Kitten's Litter by KittenX, a few recent pieces by skyfire or any poem by Vetty214 amongst others. These ladies are talented poets and reading some of their work will probably give you more pointers than I ever could.

Anyway, hope this is of assistance. Keep writing.
Peace,
A.

[redyelruc]

I've also taken the liberty of reworking your poem as if it were my own. I've cut a bit and changed a few words to try and keep the poem direct., especially the first line, making it a poem to your lover rather than about him. I hope that this has not overstepped any boundaries but I have been having a hard time coming up with my own words lately and enjoyed working with this immensely.
__________________________________________________ ____

I know chaos because
I see you

and when I do
Insanity expands in one brush against my face
My thoughts swell with your kiss,
And I drown in the knowledge that
I know what love is.

Erotic pencilling about you,
Burning thoughts scatched wildly,
And a cinnamon sensation where my thighs
Converge,
With unmistakable sensitivity,
whisper the inevitable
- I will succumb

and I know, that even after,
Passionate kisses and
Profound pleasure
Embrace me.

My hope is why I live,
and you...
you, my love, fuel that hope,
and give the rest significance.