Scared and Pissed Off...

[likeWOAHitsMia]

Ok so I'm gonna try to make this short:

Basically I'm in a situation that has caused me much depression (even considering suicide at times). The deal is, every member of my family is in the Jehovah Witness religion and are very commited to it. I grew up in the religion, but began to question things when I got into my teen years. Eventually I became agnostic and was disgusted with all religion. However, when I went to college, I actually met some pretty cool and friendly people. They were christians, but they weren't hypocritical like I thought Christians were supposed to be. So basically after a while I got converted to Christianity (in a sense...i thought jesus was cool but i didn't believe in hell, etc.). I'm 20 now and my "conversion" experience happened last spring. I got so into it and after reading this book called "Jesus Freaks" I became convinced that Christianity was the only true religion and that my parents had it all wrong. They were telling lies! I got so worked up about this and began to believe that I would do *anything* for jesus, even die for him if I had to. So basically, I told my mom everything. The problem with that is that Jehovah's Witnesses have an excommunication policy. If someone decides they don't want to be apart of the religion anymore, they have to "disassociate" themselves. When a person does this, they are viewed as dead basically. No one is allowed to speak to this person, not even family members. If they see them walking on the street they can't even wave. So I was scared and never had the guts to tell my mom, but like I said, after I read Jesus Freaks I was willing to do anything for "god". So I sucked it up and told my mom how I felt and got excommunicated.

I had to move out of my house (with no car, no money, and no clue) and stayed with friends for a while. The campus minister of this ministry on campus heard about what I did and found me a place to live. I lived there till May of last year. Then I stayed with a nice christian family over the summer. So around this time I threw myself into doing mission tripsand was a total jesus freak. I started college at a bigger university this past fall and that's when everything kind of collapsed. Well, actually let me back up...After I did my second mission trip over the summer, I started having doubts. I began to reevaluate things. I've realized that you can't be a Christian if you don't believe in god, DUH! I was so into the christian rock bands and the whole emotional experience of jumping up and down and shouting for god that I completely confused it with actual belief. I like the idea of Jesus, and I think he's a wise person, but do I really think he's the son of god? No. So I'm agnostic. But now when I look back at everything I realize I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. I've never been on my own, and to all of a sudden lose complete contact with my family has taken a toll on me. When I was into Christianity, I had this invincible god-will-take-care-of-me attitude. But now I think the shock of it all is finally coming down on me, now that I'm not blaming things on a higher power. I'm living in dorms at a university with no car or permanent place to live when i get out for holidays/summer. I've given everything up for religion's sake. I believe I would've eventually left my family to go find my own path, but to have a strong relationship severed overnight because of religion? I can't take it. I'm scared but pissed off too, because I feel like religion is used as a means of social control, and my family is being controlled. We are divided because of religion; because they are being taught that there is only one true religion and that everyone else has it wrong and doesn't deserve their attention. For the past two months I've been going in and out of this depression. The only thing that makes me happy is music, I'll be cheerful for a day or two, but then something will remind me of what I've lost and I get depressed again. Not only that, but for the first time I'm seeing the world differently. I realize how screwed up it is and that scares me. See, Jehovah's Witnesses have one good thing they believe--unity. Unity of all races and tribes and tongues. The only thing is they're kind of a cult. So when I actually was forced to get out into the real world and I meet people that don't stand for unity, peace, love, etc. I don't know how to deal with that! So not only am I seperated from my family, but I'm on my own in a screwed up world with no clue where I'm gonna live the next day. And I'm only 20! That scares me. How do I make sense of all this? How do I find some hope amid all this despair??

Sorry I tried to make it short lol

[earthmother]

Just a warning, I'm probably going to insult you first, but I need to make some important points. I hope you are good at reading between the lines. That's where "god" lives...

"Religion" is one of the best ways to screw up an otherwise natural human being. And yet humans are drawn to the idea of "God" or the Great Spirit, or the idea of something more, like bees to honey.

Your life as a Jehovah's Witness, from day one, has been completely controlled in every aspect by something that is for all intents and purposes, "invisible", scientifically un-provable, a fable, a myth or theory, a superstition. At least in one sense, as many people would see it that way. And that sounds completely nuts. Religion has driven many well meaning people totally crazy, trying too hard to be "righteous", or trying to "find God" or just plain trying too hard to be something that doesn't come naturally. And if you don't fit in to all this for some reason, there is the extra added guilt...

The trouble is that "god" has become too much of a focus for you, an obsession. Jehovah's Witnesses say they believe that all things should be done in moderation, yet to practice this religion one must live it in its entirety, and in order to allow a particular religion to control your whole life, you would need to have a religious obsession.

Not good.

But the problem isn't THAT so much, as long as you LIKE living that way. There are actually a lot of benefits to living in a closed society like that! But it doesn't leave a person ready for the real world, and I don't care WHAT religion you might be, you still have to eventually learn how to get along in the real world.

I was raised in a not particularly religious household. But it WAS a home with high ideals and morals. We only associated with intellectuals. We never spent time around or with people who drank ANY amount of alcohol. My father believed in strict non violence and there were no guns in the house. EVER. I was sheltered, never being allowed to do the things I saw everyone else doing. I also rebelled. But all in all I had no experience with the hard and cold realities of the world, and I had a really hard time for quite a while due to that. You don't help your kids by sheltering them too much!!!

You NEED to have your own experiences! You need to test life and fall down a few times. You have a lot to learn. But so do your parents. And they are getting a big lesson right now, same as you and much needed. You have the world in front of you. You SHOULD be living your own life at 20!

Now, THROW AWAY YOUR MAGNIFYING GLASS! You are WAY too focused on one minute particle in the greater scheme of life. When you are being overly concerned with "religion", what you believe or what you don't, you are not balanced. There is SO much more to life than just religion! Yet "God" is in all things... When you are LOOKING for "god", you are searching way too hard for something that is all around you and everywhere. You are frantically hunting for - AIR, letting the search for it take control of your life. But you are still breathing, aren't you? Even when you are asleep and not worrying about it, you continue to breathe. Same thing with "god". Take a deep breath. God really doesn't care if you believe or not. But it might make a difference to YOU.

Now think about it. If God is in all things, that means the bad things too, right? There can be no balance without ups and downs. Everything has it's opposite. Good and Evil are simply two sides of THE SAME COIN. No matter what mental gymnastics you put yourself thru, no matter how many knots you tie your brain up in worrying about it, "god" just IS...

"Unity" is a wonderful concept, but that means unity with ALL, not just unity with other Jehovah's Witnesses. Unity with life and all those ups and downs. Understanding. AND forgiveness. If someone can not practice what they say they believe in, they are referred to as hypocrites. You have lost NOTHING. You are just on a new chapter of the SAME book you were in before. Life is not made to stand still, paths are meant to be traveled. I'm sure with your upbringing that you ARE prepared to keep your honor in the face of adversity. In that respect you are much more prepared for life than most. And family always remains family. Only a horrid or mentally challenged person could completely have no further contact EVER with their own children. This too shall pass.

It sounds like you really have a lot going for you. A roof over your head, food to eat, people to help you out, clothing to wear. A functioning mind. You are not stuck in the mud unless you just sit there and do nothing. Look for the joy in all things! Sometimes the medicine tastes REALLY bad, but the cure is worth it, so be thankful for the medicine! ALWAYS read between the lines, 'cause THAT'S where "God" lives...

[likeWOAHitsMia]

wow thanx for the reply. ur right about being too sheltered tho. i think i wasn't prepared to be on my own because we basically had our own society and like you said about your family not associating with certain people, it was the same for me. so basically everyone i knew and was friends with were jehovah's witnesses. in less than a year i've had so many experiences and learnedso many things i would've never learned if i was still at home. i know that i should see this experience as an adventure and as a new path, but sometimes i'll hear my friends talking aboutgoing home for the holidays or i'll go meet their parents and it makes me think about mine and how i can't see them...

[nouronion]

wow. this is the reason y i hate religion, how can parents not wanna see their kids just because of religion? ahh thats so aweful. Christianity isnt much better. The god they praise is a made up god. It's a god who punishes people who dont live exactly the way he wants them to. Being spiritual is 1 thing, but religion just gets under my skin. Living is just about that........living. there is no heaven or hell, we all go to the same place when we die, be it nothingness, or some kinda afterlife. and absolutly no1 living on this earth and i mean no1, knows what happens after we die. every1 is afraid and they take comfort in religion because they get this false sense of comfort from thinking "if i live this way i'm going to heaven" well, i dont think anybody has ever died and came back to earth to let us no there is a heaven after we die. not even jesus. sorry. just live, go with the flow, thats all we can do. and hope your parents come to their senses someday.

[bob's cat]

Hi likeWOAHitsMia. I agree with the comments above, and would like to add: regardless of what religion you are/aren't, whatever you focus on with strong emotion is what you will attract into your life- what you give out, you get back. Perhaps it's time to let go of the dogma and focus on kindness, love and compassion, for yourself and others. You may find that you will attract some beautiful, kind, compassionate people into your life, so that you can build a new "family" who will love and support you. Maybe you could find some Spiritual practices that will help you become more centered and calm, so that you move into a more positive and optimistic frame of mind. Note, I said Spiritual- not religious. There's a lot of difference.