Cocaine has NOT won!

[Penny]

Hha yes it has.. I let myself buy a gram. I haven't touched it yet though.. well.. I did do a few lines with my boyfriend but it wasn't mine. I feel like such a weak.. bored.. idiotic piece of shit. And other things. Bad.

[young_deadhead]

sell it to a friend then

[Penny]

hah what friend?

[young_deadhead]

hah what friend?dunno a friend who likes coke. Do something with it so its not you doing it cause it sounds to me like you dont want to do it.

[seamonster66]

seriously, if you don't want to do it don't

but generally if coke is bought, its going to be done

[Penny]

that's the dilema. I'm here looking at it and really want it but I'm thinking about what it could turn into and I don't like it. I had a pretty big coke problem months ago and I thought I was strong enough to resist the stupid drug but no.. apparently I'm easy to manipulate.. well with that at least. maybe I should dump the bf. maybe I need to do like last time and cut everyone off and be done with it.. I don't mean it's people telling me to do it and I agree to like an idiot.. but it's complicated I don't know how to explain. maybe I have some inner issues I can't resolve haha gee let's call the shrink! ah it's no big deal really I just don't know what I'm doing with drugs these days. I can't sell it anyway it's too late I've already done half.

[stinkfoot]

Once an addict, always an addict. Sometimes a recovering addict but never "no longer addicted".

You've been able to break the spell but you're always going to be vulnerable. Your work is incomplete because you've failed to rid your life of enabling influences that afford you avenues to obtain the drug and whatever else is necessary for your use to not be exposed to those who care enough about you to intervene.

[Autentique]

Just throw it away. It's not that hard. Unless you really want to do it, it's your choice.

[Penny]

I don't fucking know :(

[Penny]

and I have a really heavy secret I am carrying too about that but cannot put it out here in the public but it's something I wish I could tell someone however I don't know who to trust who would understand and.. it's scaring me and could put me in BIG trouble..

[Skip]

Don't do it! Coke is no friend. It's a seducer who will rape you. If you can rid yourself of it now, you can rid yourself of it forever! I stopped in the 70s and never looked back!

Unfortunately coke is now more abundant and cheaper than ever! Plus it seems to be more popular than ever too, esp. in Europe. In Spain they lay out lines in public restaurants and no one even cares.

Definitely find someone to confide your secret and LET IT OUT! See how much better you felt with that other tirade about your French neighbors? This would FREE you from your past, and clear your way forward into the future. Don't carry a ball and chain with you the rest of your life!

Good luck, Penny! :)

[Autentique]

and I have a really heavy secret I am carrying too about that but cannot put it out here in the public but it's something I wish I could tell someone however I don't know who to trust who would understand and.. it's scaring me and could put me in BIG trouble..Penny, if you want to talk to someone about it. I'm here. I used to be crazy with coke too, so I know how is like.

[stinkfoot]

and I have a really heavy secret I am carrying too about that but cannot put it out here in the public but it's something I wish I could tell someone however I don't know who to trust who would understand and.. it's scaring me and could put me in BIG trouble..
Use the PM system here and confide in someone you trust. I'll lend you an ear if you like but only if you're comfortable with that.

[mamaKCita]

ugh....fucking coke. jeez. ruined my life once. i moved away from everything and everyone and that was the only way i could save myself. it was the only thing i COULD do. completely start fresh.

[stinkfoot]

... i moved away from everything and everyone and that was the only way i could save myself. it was the only thing i COULD do. completely start fresh.
This is a far more succinct (and better) way of suggesting what I wrote above.

[cantsmokenomore]

I'm sorry Penny. My thoughts and good vibes are being sent to you. I hope you stay strong.

[Penny]

thanks everyone.. I don't really know what point I'm about to be at exactly really.

[indian~summer]

send it to me

[Penny]

if I could be sure not to get in trouble with the authorities.. I would!

[indian~summer]

don't put a return address on it, and then i'd be the only one getting in trouble with it :)

[Sitka]

You're better off snorting it and just cleaning up after rather than holding onto it and thinking about it all the time. Doing that gnaws at your brain.

Of course your best bet is still to flush it.

[veroness]

throw it away. is it really hard t just let it go down the drian. youre so much better than that if you beat it once

[Penny]

well for what's left anyway I could just throw it out.. or fucking snort it all.. wouldn't make much of a difference

[BraveSirRubin]

I wouldn't just flush it down the drain... now that's just a waste.

But yes... at least you're not snorting pepsi.

:D

[Penny]

true :)

[indian~summer]

i hate waste

[Penny]

I won't throw it away. I just won't touch it.

[mamaKCita]

that's total bs, and you know it. flush it.

[mamaKCita]

don't you remember how unbelievably unhappy you were a few months ago? you were in misery. a temporary thrill isn't worth the long-term hell.

[Penny]

I know.. but what am I gonna do tonight? I'm going out with Paco with all his friends and there's gonna be coke, tons of it, I know it. I'm not gonna resist it. Or maybe I am, maybe I should just stay the fuck home. I don't know I just think too much shit has gone one lately it's backfiring. I'm not in misery now but I am incapable of telling you how I am which is maybe worse.

[stinkfoot]

I know.. but what am I gonna do tonight? I'm going out with Paco with all his friends and there's gonna be coke, tons of it, I know it. I'm not gonna resist it. Or maybe I am, maybe I should just stay the fuck home. I don't know I just think too much shit has gone one lately it's backfiring. I'm not in misery now but I am incapable of telling you how I am which is maybe worse.
Don't put yourself in a situation where there's coke present.... don't befriend people who will put you in that kind of situation. You're virtually guaranteeing that old demons will return. For the new year, I strongly recommend you take a comprehensive personal inventory... who do you hang out with and what effect do they have on you? What kind of decisions are you making that perpetuate old problems? You're as much responsible for continuing to surround yourself with enablers after you break the active facet of an addiction that you're always going to have as you are for breathing life into the addiction in the first place.

You need a fresh start that doesn't involve surrounding yourself with any acquaintances linked to your history. That is your only hope of having any long term success at all dealing with this. It isn't fair but that's life- the ultimate uneven playing field. We're defined more by how we deal with and learn from adversity.

[Aprilshower]

If you want to make a New Year's Resolution it should be plain and simple

AVOID DRUGS AND ANYONE WHO DOES THEM

[mamaKCita]

amputate your old relationships, and closely examine why you befriend the people you do. if you find yourself attracted to someone as a friend, think twice, retrain yourself on how to pick the people you keep around you. make sure, before you get close, that you know if they do any drugs or hang out with people who do. because if they do, you'll be drawn in all over again.

[Penny]

I broke up with my boyfriend last night for a start hah.. and I'm not gonna lie I did a lot of coke but that probably was the last time I hung out with my ex and his friends.

[Penny]

I think I have won.

[seamonster66]

thats good

I lost on New Years :D

[stinkfoot]

Well- best of luck to you Penny and happy birthday!

[Penny]

oh well Gary.. it's okay :)

and thank you.. everyone

hope I get my thinking straight and you hear me talk sense again like making fun of my ex-boss and people like him soon heh :tongue:

[Penny]

god this is harder than I thought. I suck.

[seamonster66]

god this is harder than I thought. I suck.you'll be fine

just avoid the situations

me on the other hand.....;)

[BraveSirRubin]

Gary, you're such a rockstar :D

[Penny]

I don't know if I wanna avoid the situations right now.

[Penny]

OK this is pathetic right? haha I hate missing it WHY the FUCK did I have to start again even after all I said.. it's Paco it's Paco..

[Penny]

I just have one person to call.

[seamonster66]

I admit I like it, but I like it when its a party night or I want to stay up all night talking to friends, not just sitting at home alone, or doing it on a random weekday.

I know it affects some people differently, some wake the next day even craving it.

Just don't let it take you down emotionally, and if it really is a major struggle fighting it, then i think it should be faught

[Penny]

I just don't think I can focus at all and I feel like something important so I can function normally is missing that is the fucking powder doing this shit to me and I'm getting angry now because of it affecting me and because I want it and can have it in 5 minutes but I don't wanna go through hell I am gonna go through if I get addicted to that shit now and.. I can't even focus enough to understand what I'm writing I don't know if this makes sens.. I fucking hate myself right now I am a piece of horse shit. :(

[BraveSirRubin]

You'll be fine Laety. Just get past the first couple of days. It gets easier with time... just as any addiction.

[seamonster66]

Just please don't sit there doing Coke alone

that will depress me

Plus its not a sustainable way to stay focused, law of diminishing returns

I demand that you stay away from it for a while

[Penny]

OK. I wanna bulldoze the inside of my brain.

[Penny]

I just mean I can't stand me, not that I wanna die, no worries

[mamaKCita]

i just got a coloring book and a massive box of crayons, put on some happy/quiet music and totally zoned out of real life for a couple weeks. there was no point trying to concentrate on anything but coloring the next picture and drinking water. simple, repetitve activities soothed me because they didn't require a lot of thought, and i was doing them well enough. it was soothing because i'm not really used to not being able to think. well, do something that doesn't require thought. it was like taking a xanax or meditating at a retreat. no sound, no conversations, nothing but a coloring book and crayons.

[Penny]

that sounds good. I've been drawing a lot lately. but right now I think xanax sounds like a better solution. thank god I always have 50 boxes of those.

[mamaKCita]

i think the repetitive simplicity of any task would likely be more helpful than replacing one drug with another. all xanax ever did was make me sleep.

[redyelruc]

I got over a ridiculously heavy coke habit about 5 years ago when i lived in London.

As I found that I could not say no and knew too many people who could get it for me, I saw only one solution.

I threw away my mobile phone, changed appartments, and didn't leave the flat for 6 months except to work. After that, I was sure that I could go out and just say no.
I haven't touched it since. I find it over-priced and the people who take it a lot repeatedly talk about the same shit night in, night out.

[BraveSirRubin]

Yes, that was always my biggest issue with cocaine.

I cannot stand cocaine conversations. People are bad enough at not listening to what you say and just waiting for their turn to speak. It's pretty much unbearable when they're coked out.

[mamaKCita]

uck. it tends to make you obssess over whatever is on your mind. when i did it, i was completely consumed with figuring out how to deal with my family. which didn't stop my ex from fucking me raw anyway. bizarre.

[Penny]

guys, I know.. I fucking hate the drug, it's so stupid and really isn't me as in it's not my personality to just do coke and talk and be the kind of person who does coke and.. you know? I mean you read my posts about it before, before I fucking gave in.. I don't wanna be a cokehead I hate cokeheads I just suck I don't know I just have this really addictive personality.. I think the problem is I'm bored with my life sometimes.

anyways I'm done I don't have anymore I cut off Paco and don't even care to do anymore I have school soon my sister is coming from Paris in a few days I can't even imagine her reaction if she saw me coked-up.. nah we just smoke pot together :tongue: I don't wanna be fucked-up.. this was just a tiny phase a mistake.. a birthday thing let's say haha or a holiday thing and I just went a little nuts but it's over. I'm not crashing anymore..

I just really wanna thank you for your advice. And for caring at all.

You know my best friend in high-school died from a coke overdose or intolerance or both. That was pretty traumatizing.

[BraveSirRubin]

Good for you, Laety :)

Stick to the ganj. I have an somewhat addictive personality myself, so I try to just take comfort in my rather innocent marijuana use. (Together with weekend drinking, and cutting a tad down on my cigg smoking).

Lots of things can animate life. I find it hard to find that spark in most people... since they sadly don't match up to my standards... so a little pot and a little wine does help a whole lot.

[mamaKCita]

i always wished i could somke pot, but it always ahs a nasty effect on me. thankfully dave can't smoke it anymore, either, or i'd be betterly jealous.

[LuckyStripe]

it's just coke. a waste of money but fun. shrugs.

[seamonster66]

I think its important to not respect it if you do it

like if a wind comes and blows it away it doesn't matter

[LuckyStripe]

Word. mofo. gary, imma roll tonight in philly. :D

[Penny]

I know, I know.. well I'd only get upset if the wind blew it away only cause my money would have been gone with it haha I was never - even while on it - one of these people who worship the drug like it's god getting inside of them.. people like that are pathetic :rolleyes:

[deviate]

You could always just end up like this guy http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/photos/jamesrick_cp_6174702.jpg

[cantsmokenomore]

Penny,
I don't even know you that well, but I know how addictions are. I'm glad that you're taking your first steps to...well...recovery?....I guess. I'm sending good vibes your way. I know you can do it! You are strong! Don't ever tell yourself that you suck, because honestly you don't, that's just your opinion. From your posts I see an intelligent woman having an adventure. That adventure may be a negative one, but from all bad things that happen good appears somewhere. Much love sister.
Peace,
CSNM

[SonicYouthFan]

You shouldnt let the coke tear you up as it seems like its been already doing... your way to beautiful id hate to see coke bring you down. ive done it a few times and i could deffenatly see why some people crave it... i was rather fortunate to not be hooked some people i know are way to into it and it upsets me.. its funny out of all the drugs ive tried the only one i ever really crave is marijuana like the day after i did some lines the next morning all i wanted to do is smoke... but anyways i know you will find the power in yourself to stop completely and just look forward to the rest of your life. ill give you my wishes to be coke free and just be happy in the end of it all. Blow sucks and Coke blows all at the same time.

[Penny]

thanks guys. I really, really appreciate your concern!

[half a hippie]

I haven't done coke.. but I am sure it will not do you any good..

I understand you need to get high..

Try something natural... like joggin, exercising which releases the
hormone serotonin which make you feel high.

Something even better to do is ditch your current boy friend and
fall in love with some one who will love you back

Falling in love releases the hormone Dopamine

This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine!

http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

Let me know how it goes...

[Penny]

if you're talking about Paco it's over.. he's not even my FWB anymore at this point hehe :tongue: thanks for the advice