"come" of morn

[shobs]

beauty touches its own memory

smiling upon the vast multitudes

breathe child and I will show you the way to the spirit world

the wine was poured and drunk

spiraling silver pathways through sandy mist

copulation morning glowing ember

spark the day and fuel the night

retreat back among the great Iron Barrier

safety wrought from depths unknown

treacherous water spewing from rocks

death brings forth a fresh breath

free from gardens of lost temples

in the sky shuddering with mad

holy being come here, spreading flowers among pebbles

she laid among the stars holding in quiet orgasm of light

there was a scream in the midst

all went unheard countless years ahead

dreams fluttering through mystic machinery

churned cycles of endless time

forgotten memories of sun basked joy

but the new dawn arises

and we sit present

to await the milky coming of the day

please comment!
thanks

[ernestos boi]

thats so gay

[ReadyForAction]

Oh come on, at least make a decent response to your dislike dumbass.

[shobs]

ya pal FUCK U, lets see ur stuff

[blackheartbitch]

im not sure how i feel about it actually...u can definately write and u are definately wise for your age...but this poem has something about it that rubs me kinda wrong and i cant put my finger on it

[ReadyForAction]

I love 'Tickle Me Elmo', but those other Tickle Me Muppets just rub me the wrong way!

[mojave green]

I find it a little too eclectic and abstract [for my taste]. And, it sounds to me like you are trying too hard to be that way. Like it didn't just flow out of you, but was labored over, and maybe forced. It sounds a little sword and sorcery-ish at times, "great iron barriers," "lost temples." But, maybe that is what you are into. And maybe you wanted it sound that way. When I was 16 I was into that, and it colored and influenced everthing I did then. As I read it, I found myself hearing Wagners Magic Fire Music in my mind [check it out]. Maybe this was your intent.

What really matters is what YOU think of it. How you felt writing it, and, how you feel reading it now. What changes would you make in it for yourself -- if any?

You are talented and should keep writing. Let's see some more.

[Freakymetalchik]

You have talent, that's obvious.....