ATime in History

[emelia]

Ok, so I know nothing about poems. I don't know how you form poems, different types of poems, nada. But I suddenly felt inspired tonight, and just went with the flow, and wrote this:

There was once a time in history

Too far for many to recall

When we looked to the future

We looked to our children

We looked to our grandchildren

And asked ourselves

What can we do?

And that was cool



Then there was a time

Where we tested the limits of our human psyche

We invented; we expanded our minds

We learned to control our savagery

We looked to the future

And asked ourselves

What can we do?

And that was cool



Now there is a time

We use the above excuses

To rape and destroy our home we share

We are unlearning the love we once learned

We are closing the minds we once opened

We are now addicts

To ur own demise

And that’s not cool



Any feedback or tips would be great. Thanks for reading.

[shobs]

damn, it makes a good point. is this ur first poem? u should keep writing ull learn stuff along the way.

oooo and if u ever wanna get ur mind blown by some awesome poetry try listening to american prayer by jim morrison while ur on shrooms (or any psychedelic would work i suppose)

[emelia]

Yeah, this is my first poem, and thanks ^_^ I think I will keep writing, it's nice to spread a message.
I'll definately try that jim morrison thing, shame theres no shrooms round here, lol. But I will try it nonetheless (just don't know when), thanks for the tip :P

[Vetty214]

but always remember to take feedback with a grain of salt... 1) less is better; 2) stay away from cliches... here is my version.... some edits to consider... very nice theme.

Once

looking to the future

to our children

to grandchildren

We asked

What can we do?

We test the limits of our psyche

invent, expand, control

nature

and ask

What can we do?

Now, we

rape

destroy

abuse

nature

unlearning love once known

closing minds once opened

addicted

to our own demise.

[emelia]

thanks so much, I like your version very much ^_^ I'll keep your advice in mind, thanks for taking time to help!

[Vetty214]

hey, also, just so you know - I always write my poems full blown like you did at first. Get it all down on paper. Sometimes I circle parts I really like that touch me somehow, then I cut away making sure I still keep what's necessary but throwing out what is not. Good luck, great first poem. The more you work at it, read it, study it, the more you are imprinting on your brain cells what works best... like everything, practice and study does make a difference in the craft of writing poetry... at least that's what I'm finding out now.

[emelia]

Thanks, that's great advice, it seems alot easier than writing all your feelings down in a few word first. :-D

[redyelruc]

I have to say that i love the idea presented in this poem. The poem itself could do with a little fine-tuning but for a first write it's really good. It shows you have talent. Keep writing and posting here.

[ReadyForAction]

The earth sure is great place to live.

[shobs]

haha thats wat i think