Im the definition of a hypocrite *HELP ME PLEASE*

[smokindude]

*PLEASE READ, I NEED YOU GUYS*

Yup, i know whats right and whats wrong, but the wrong way is always more appealing to me. I know its wrong to lie, but i still lie daily about things i dont want people to find out, its awful. I preach "love everyone", and i truly believe thats the key to life, but i hate anyways, because its more appealing to me. Im not saying i hate on others for no reason, but if i have a chance to make fun of someone/own them by words to make someone i admire laugh, i wont hesitate. I know the drug life isnt the right way to live, but i live it anyways. I wake up in the morning just to get high that day/night off whatevers available.

I realize that my family members will be the only one there for me when the dust settles..but i choose friends over them anyways. I truly believe in God with all my heart, but i go against his wishes daily. I truly believe my brother is watching over me at all times, but i still act as if he isnt. I believe masterbation is wrong because it shows the true lust of a WEAK human, but i wack off anyways, all the time. My grandparents worked their WHOLE life to support me and my siblings/cousins to have a decent life because my parents/cousins parents were strung out on drugs and litterally pays for the clothes on my back, the roof over my head, the food in my fridge, and every other essential possible...well lets just say i dont spend nearly enough time they want me to with them, and there getting older and older and i basically use them for the money they give me to support my drug habbits. That by the way, there against 100% because of what drugs has done to my family.(killed my cousins dad, my parents are hooked, my other cuzin's dad is hooked, and many other reasons)

I love them with all my heart, but when it comes time to doing something for them, my selfish ways kick in. Im by NO MEANS a dick to them, i do favors for them every day(i live with them and my druggy parents) but i dont do half as much as they truly deserve. My 76 year old grandfather who has worked his WHOLE life for ME, i watch cut the lawn from my window instead of going outside to help him.

Oh ya, and do you want to hear the big one thats making me contemplate suicide? The ONLY person who ever knew me was my 19 year old brother. He was the wisest kid i ever knew. He helped me get through the 16 years i have so far, he was the best influence and basically a father to me, he was the BEST thing i ever had and ever will. I thought it was going to be me and him, side by side going through life together learning from our experiences. But yano what a DUMBFUCK like me had to go and do?????

I fucking stole my moms bottle of methadone from her pocketbook when she was passed out from xanax(june 6th 2007) and went to my bro's room and showed him what i just got. We each helped ourselves to the bottle(took 8 10mg methadone pills each) then i went back to my room, thinking i did my brother i loved so much a favor. Well, about 2 hours later he comes in my room and goes "david(me), i am the most fucked up i EVER been in my life, if i die you know what to tell our loved ones, we had this convo before" I just said "ya ya i know but u never die and u wont this time so it will be all good, you should go to sleep or something, youll be fine in the morning" The main reason for that HORRIBLE advise was because i just wanted him to leave me alone so i could smoke my weed in peace, so he left my room and was like "ok im going to bed, PEACEEEE" so i was like "PEACEEEE"

My brother was out of college at that point and i was still in school, so the next day in my last period of the day(around 1:30) my teacher got a phone call from my princable saying that my aunt was here to dismiss me from school. So i was all happy but curious why i was getting dismissed. I got home and saw almost all my family(even cousins from out of town) in the living room with the most depressed look on thier face. I asked what was going on, nobody answered. I turned to my 13 year old sister who i love so much, that was BALLING her eyes out and asked her what happend. In the softest, unforgetable, saddest voice she replied.."TJ(our brother) died". I will NEVER forget the look on her face when she said that. My heart felt like it sank to my ankles, i immediatly ran to my room, cryed for hours and punched numerous holes in my closet door. He puked in his fucking sleep and choked to death due to the pills I SUPPLIED HIM WITH.

Ive been in a deep depressed state ever since, contemplating suicide for the guilty conscious i possess. The ONLY person that knew me, i KILLED. The person i loved the most on this earth...I KILLED. The person i NEEDED..I FUCKING KILLED. Words cant explain what he meant to me. Who was with me when my druggy parents were out smoking crack all night till 6am? He was. Who did i smoke mad blunts with, grow closest, and KNEW INSIDE AND OUT? My dear brother, who I KILLED.


Ya..im a piece of complete shit that doesnt deserve to live. Its quite obvious. If you read this, from the bottom of my heart i thank you. Really.

[Merry Mab]

I wish I had the right words. My heart is broken for your loss of your brother, and for you.

[Magical Fire Lady]

Thats horrible, I'm sorry that that happened to you. It wasn't your fault, it was an accident and those things happen sometimes.
As for the other things, you know whats right and wrong in your mind and based on your morals so only you can change it. And you can change it.
I hope you can work through that stuff, hang in there...

[LuckyStripe]

I'm just hung up on the fact that you said masturbation is wrong because it shows weakness.

:lol:

[LuckyStripe]

Sorry.... I didn't read the rest of the thread when I replied to that....

I'm really sorry that had to happen to you, your brother and your family. It was an accident. You didn't know or think it was going to happen. Do you think it would help you to talk to a counselor about it?

[BraveSirRubin]

Yeah, man... that is a shitter.

But... you do not need to go off killing yourself because all of it. You realize that all of what you are doing is wrong (well, other than masturbation... I think you're going to have to live with being a waking off sinner). So change it, see it as a calling... help out your grandparents more than ever, learn by example from your parents and take it easy on the drugs, and so on. It's easy to say, and not so easy to do... but still. You also have to realize that you've got your younger sister there, and she depends on you. Your parents don't seem to be functioning well enough to take care of her, and your grandparents ain't getting younger... so you are there to take care of her, and help her out with everyday problems. Be a good role model for her.

Anyhow, you will get older, go to college, and life will go on. You did not kill your brother... pills killed your brother... let it go.

[*Autumn*Epona*]

Yeah, what Rubin said....

And killing yourself is only going to cripple your family even more.....they don't need the two of you gone, one is bad enough.

[LuckyStripe]

You know... in hindsight it's always easy.... I'm sure you blame yourself because you think "if only I didn't supply...." or "if only I'd listened" (but really ppl. say stuff like that all the time when they are too messed up).....

My best friend killed himself after telling people he would for years. Including me, that time and the fiveish years previous. Even though I knew it was illogical I had guilt- I was his best friend, therefore, I should have been a good best friend and stopped him. But it wasn't my fault. Looking back it's a lot easier to say what a person should do different.

Go talk to a counselor... be honest about how you feel... it may help... or just keep talking to some of us here...... write..... whatever helps. :D

As for your other issues- except the masturbation being bad again thing :lol:
;)
You're a kid. I did shit when I was younger that I look back on and I don't know why I did it. Hormones and shit I guess... who knows. You might have things bugging you that you don't yet know how to deal with but you don't seem like a "bad" person.

[jbader]

Oh man - I'm REALLY SORRY that happened. That's a hard pain to bear. I'm really sorry you have to endure losing your brother. Please don't injure yourself even though the pain is so much that who wouldn't think about it. Doing that will bring MORE pain for others and real trouble for yourself. Your brother would NOT want you to do that. You KNOW that he wouldn't want that!! If you really love him then you'll remember that.

I hope you don't think this is a lame analogy - but when a football team loses a game - is it the guys fault who got the ball last? Didn't every player - during every play - affect the final score?

You played a part in what happened - you know that - but so did others - and you didn't mean for it to happen. Your brother also took the pills when he didn't have to, when he knew there was some danger. I don't mean to hit on your parents but it sounds like they have big time drug problems and that played a role - in my mind, THE biggest role. They set you and your brother up for thinking that drugs can solve your problems, can bring happiness, when all it brings is a mirage, an illusion, a postcard of happiness, all the while inflicting real damage, bringing real dangers and suffering.

I don't know if you've changed your feelings about drug use in the wake of your brother's death -- but maybe someday -- by talking about it to others you (and through you - your brother) can have a positive impact on others who are stuck in that dangerous mode of thinking. What a tribute to your brother that would be!!!

[Allonym]

you didnt force the pills down his throat, you didnt kill him

yes there were stupid choices involved, but there was no force, he also chose to partake okf hte pills and then an accident happened from that. you did not kill your brother. and if you were to tak eyour own life, well, are you truly so cruel as to put your family through the pain of losing a son/brother once again?

[darkain]

Sounds like a rough patch for you. But you also have great verbal skills and it sounds to me like you've got a good head on your shoulder. STOP DOING DRUGS NOW.... smoke weed only. You don't need them to be happy, and they won't help you. I can tell that you're bright and will turn out great..... and we're all hypocrites, its called being human.

[heywood floyd]

I really can't imagine a response that would do the original post justice. I mean, anything I say is just going to be a stranger typing some words into a computer, but here goes.

I think the most important thing now is to let out a lot of that bad energy that's probably stuck inside right now. I know it might sound like weakness or something, but you need to find someone who will listen to you... because even though it's never going to go away, there are people out there who might understand. Maybe you could try to get closer to your family.

I really can't imagine how you must feel, and I really don't know what it would be like to live with that... and it's probably not going to ever go away. But at the same time, you need to go on, if only because your brother probably would have wanted you to, and I'm sure that some part of you knows that.

I'm sure right now it hurts like hell and it will go on hurting for a very long time, I'm sure... but you need to be strong and bear your burdens, because that's what life is about.

[redyelruc]

Peace and hugs from a stranger...

[Tommy1The1Cat]

i am truely sorry for ur loss man, u and ur family will be in my prayers. Just be strong.

[johnnystillcantread]

Hello! Yours is certainly a sad story but it could get
a lot sadder. You can't change the past but you can change
the future - I figure you should get out and work side by side
with your Grandmother before it is too late. And your future
memories of her will be you standing behind a window and
watching her work. And if there is a life after death her
memories of you will be seeing you behind a window
watching her work Cheers!