fate was a daughter [Archive]

BBgrrl

07-17-2007, 07:14 PM

she appeared surrounded by ecstatic worshippers
like some orgiastic goddess in search of a kingdom
and when i saw her my reason flew out as a bird
and i was stripped of my armour my insanity revealed
then she spoke in a voice that soothed the waves
and forbade the winds to blow and i was her slave
then like a hero of antiquity i invented a dance
rejoicing as i drowned in a cask of honey.
how the god of tragedy must have laughed
for he alone has the gift of prophecy
and he knew that i'd created a phantom
to play out our primitive drama
now i wear the helmet of darkness
as i wait at the river of woe to forget
for the prayers of lovers are seldom answered
and the rirual use of wine cannot erase memories.
she spoke in the voice of a mortal woman
softly like the rustling of oak leaves
and something inside me broke with a sound
like the plucking of a lyre string at sunrise
as she took revenge for my vanity
and defended her chosen man
made him her heir as she scorned me
throwing my bones behind her.
now i find myself in a city of many terrors
so i went and whispered to a hole in the ground
that fate was a daughter too young to marry
yet too beautiful to be free.
I like this very much, you have some powerful imagery and a nice turn of phrase.
IMHO, I think you could break it up a bit more, making a break at the connective words, using a comma in their place. And more puctuation in general, so that we can better see the phrasing.
Very nice.