I ACCIDENTALLY HAD SEX WITH A COUCH! revived edition

[freakwentflyer]

Yes, I know many of you hate it but then you don't have to read it.
After 10,000 views on the old site it was lost. So, I'm gonna re-tell all my old stories and some of the others, and I hope more join in with classic goofs, screw ups and pranks from their distant and recent past!
Here's the first-
__________________________________________________ _____
I accidentally had sex with a couch..... http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icon19.gif

...I have a ton of stupid things I've done over the years. This is my friends favorite story.

I was 16, at a party in England. All the free booze I could drink. Barely able to walk, a pretty young English girl dragged me into a vacant room. She sat on the couch and motioned me to come hither as she lifted her skirt and pulled off her panties. I crawled across the floor pulling off my pants (just to the knees)
As she sat in the middle of the couch I pulled myself up her legs trying to fight back a hurl. On my knees, between her legs, I more or less fully erect, mounted my good woman.
After a few minutes of humping, she says, I passed out. The next day, I found out as she explained laughing to my friends that I had missed the hole. You see she was sitting right above where the cushions come together on the couch. That explained the friction burns.
Funny thing is I now have a furniture store. I love my work.

[Willy_Wonka_27]

wow...i hope u didnt get any couch STDs..

[Fractual_]

hahahahha....

[kier]

Yes, I know many of you hate it but then you don't have to read it.
After 10,000 views on the old site it was lost. So, I'm gonna re-tell all my old stories and some of the others
i love you, keep them coming :D

i'll post a couple too :eek:

[Jetblack]

ahaah i remember seeing this post on the old forums and fuking laughing so hard i started crying haha geart story man i wish my life was the amusing

[random_spontaneosity]

i love you.

[freakwentflyer]

From the old site (july 2003)-

And- just last month, here in my furniture store, I have a tv and vcr for when my 2yr old or customers kids need to be entertained with a video. So my daughter could see her cousins when they were young, I popped in an old tape marked "Grandmom and kids 1993". After about 20 minutes of family, with my wife, daughter and some customers kids watching, the scene suddenly changed to me and a former girlfriend, Wendy L., butt nekked, doing the deed. I didn't even remember making the tape. (Wendy, if you read this, sorry.) On the tape you can hear Wendy say, "you better erase this." And me say,"I will". And I did too.
Just all of it but the end apparently.
_______________________________________________

Almost a year later, my wife still gives me shit about that. She tells people, "god, that girl had the biggest bush I ever saw!" But it was actually shadow that she saw, mostly.

I'm copying posts from the old thread and moving them here. I won't do it all at once so hopefully you will post some new ones in between the old.

[freakwentflyer]

booshnoogs
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I have one similar to your sterno story. I used to do a trick where I would fill my mouth with the gas from a lighter, then light the lighter and blow a fireball. Once, when I was really drunk, I tried it and I set my face on fire. I burned off my nose hair, most of my eyebrows, and set the hair on my head on fire. (not for very long though).

The best part is it was videotaped.
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Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes! Posted: 11:24 AM
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Life is strange!
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LOL! These stories made my day. You guys are so crazy! http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

This is embarassing. But, when I was 16, I went to Great America. It was a surprise birthday. I was wearing a dress with a black and white bikini. So, I went on the Revolution ride, where you hang backwards and my dress went up. Everyone could see my black and white bikini under a pink dress. I was so embarassed as I looked at the people on the ground just looking up giggling. I had bad fashion sense, not thinking straight. Argh! Posted: 11:46 AM
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Make My Day?!
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I have tons of crazy stories and all your stories cracked me up.LOL!

When I was about ten years old, my best friends lived two house down from me. My friends had a mean grandfather who was bed ridden, but a foul mouthed, drunken old fart .

When my friends mom and dad left all of us kids to watch the old man, he would yell, James get me a G.D beer! you worthless piece of shit?!

I had enough of his being rude, so I said, hey guys lets all piss in the bottle, then give it to him?

So we poured out some of the beer andfilled it back up with pee and gave it to the old man.

We ran outside and climbed into our tree house as James took him the beer, in less than a minute james comes out of the house and the old man yelled at the top of his lunges, "You stupid little motherfucking sonofabitches!!!
Yall pissed in my G.D beer!!

We laughed so hard we nearly passed out. The good thing is, he never asked us to bring him another beer? Posted: 06:54 PM
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Life is strange!
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LOL!

About 5 years ago, I went to a casino. It was packed and there was line. I went into one of the stalls. I guess I did not close it shut because this woman storms in while I'm taking a piss and I saw this big hairy white ass in front of me. I screamed "oh, my God" and pushed her away and closed it shut. Funny thing is she said she was sorry. I just wrapped up, pulled up my pants and left. It was a scary sight. ALWAYS CLOSE THE DOOR!

[freakwentflyer]

nonconformedgurl
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HAHAHAHAHAH....LOL...Omg that is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. LoL...sorry haha. Man can't stop laughing.....must stop...stomach hurts...lol! *sigh* silly kid.

[freakwentflyer]

Good stories. They don't have to be just about you, you can bust out your friends and family too.

In my early 20's I did a little stunt work in movies. One night at a party my friend Joel and I were asked to do a stunt. We were drunk and stoned, but foolishly couldn't resist the chance to impress the girls. We moved everyone outside to the yard, Joel and I briefly discussed between us what we were going to do and thought we both understood.
Joel stood in the middle of the street, with the crowd watching. A few moments later I came speeding down the steet in my car.

Now I believed the plan was he was going to dive out of the way "just in the nink of time". Joel, believed that the plan was for me to slightly swerve as he steps aside, barely missing him, with him slapping his hands on the hood and rolling back as if he were hit.

Doing about 45 mph I hit him head on. We had eye contact just before "contact", and we knew we fucked up bad. He jumped up as I hit him, shins against the front bumper, I heard him bounce off my roof and saw him in the rear view mirror, fall to the ground. I slammed on the brakes, and ran back to him, motionless on the ground. The crowd, stood speachless.
As I reached down to him he sat up, and I helped him to his feet. He turned to the crowd, and smiled and waved. Seeing he was ok they clapped and cheered. Under his breath he said to me, "get me to a hospital, you broke my fucking legs."
Turned out only one was broken.

[freakwentflyer]

onewayout
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Couches need the love too!
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"The story of life is quicker than a wink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye until we meet again" - Jimi Hendrix Posted: 09:28 PM
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Dammit I still can get over the couch thing...its the most hilarious thing ever. Hah i even called a friend and read it to them...lol sorry but i will remeber that forever...haha!

Sunnie
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I once got stuck in my kitchen window.
I used to forget my keys lots back in junior high, and one day after school I came home to an empty house with no keys. I was locked out.
I figured I could climb through the kitchen window, my younger brother had done it before so I figured I could just as easily do it.
I used the ladder for the trampoline to climb up to the ledge, I then pried off the screen and started to wiggled into the kitchen.
The problem was, I was much too long for the window. My legs were too long to bring up over the ledge, and if I continued through head first...I would be breaking my fall with my face on cold linoleum floor. So I decided to abort the plan and climb back down.
Only problem is, the ladder had fallen over. So there I was, the upper half of my body sticking through my kitchen window and my lower half dangling over the ledge.
I eventually managed to get out, ended up with a couple of bruises and some scrapes.
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I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had. Posted: 02:27 AM
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Ok, well, the most horrible thing happened to me!!! I was at a music festival or something like that, and I REALLY had to go to the bathroom. Of course, they only had port-a-loo's.
I hate port-a-loo's because there's never any t paper and they always smell horrible.
Well, I was busting, so I decided that just before I went in I'd take a huge gulp of air and just hold my breath the whole time I peed. Well, I got in there, pissed (hopefully in the right place, it was very dark...). So my lungs are dying for air now and I try to find the lock on the door to open it... and guess what happens... it's stuck! I'm like panicking now and i have to let out my breath. The smell hits me like an oncoming train and and I still can't get the door open. I'm suffocating man!
So I end up pretty much slicing up my fingers, then flinging the door open so hard it flys back and his me in the head so that I'm almost knocked out! So I end up on the ground, panting for breath, big bruise forming on my forehead, infront of the lines of people all waiting to go to the bathroom!
It was SO embarrassing!!!!
~Nature
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[freakwentflyer]

Quote SunFree (July 29 '03)

I DID THE EXACT SAME THING!!!! Well, there was no trampoline involved in my scenario, just a bench, but the rest is there. Somehow, I ended up standing in the kitchen sink.
Here's another Stupid Kim story, as I call them: I was in my driveway with my sister, and for some reason "The Sound Of Music" was stuck in my head, so I started belting it out loud. My sister started singing along, and being the dorks we are, we started spinning in circles and everything for the full effect. Then my sister says to me, "dude, if you look up when you're spinnning around, the telephone wires look really trippy!!" Naturally I followed suit. They did indeed look extremely trippy, so much that I didn't notice where I was drifting, and suddenly, I tripped on a rock bordering our driveway, and was so dizzy I couldn't regain my balance before I toppled into the rosebushes. I then whacked my head onto the lightpost, causing the top to be knocked off and also fall on top of me. Now everytime someone asks me where I got the scars on my leg, that's what I get to tell them.

[freakwentflyer]

freakwentflyer
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My friend, Joel, (featured in the 'stunt' story) and I went to high school together. In school, the girls all thought he was "so cute". And he played it up. He would enter the cafateria slowly, and take his time sitting down so he'd be noticed by all.
One morning (we were in a dorm school) he came in, grabbed a hot chocolate mix and hot water, came to our table (slowly)
stood at the table, and set his cup down. Then slowly unbuttoned the first few top buttons of his jacket. But, remained standing as he mixed his hot chocolate, waiting to be sure the girls all noticed him.
And they did. And confident that half the girls in the room
had their eyes on him he casually sat down.
The bottom button of his jacket caught the spoon in his steaming hot chocolate spilling it into his balls.
He jumped up with a scream.
Every guy in the place died laughing.






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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 08:06 PM
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Ummm... My most embarrassing story? It's kinda nasty, and I'm a bit young to tell it, but whatever. It's way short too. Anyway, I was spending the night at a gal-pal's house and we started playing truth or dare. I always say dare, too many secrets of mine to say truth, anyway, what started out as just a little dirty game of truth or dare ended up as me losing my virginity to another girl. Whoopsy... Haven't told anyone but the peeps on this forum. Ok, thinking of another story...

Ok, got one. One day, in the end of 4th hour, 5th for me was lunch, I had to take a major piss. So, I asked to be excused from class and ran to the bathroom, and when I got in there, it was empty. Well, I took a piss and when I went to put my pants back up... My button had broken. I couldn't close my pants. At my school I wasn't allowed to tie a jacket around my waist, and we have a uniform, so my shirt was tucked in. Well, at the end of the day, when the bell rang, I had managed to make it through the day without being spotted, I was kinda joggin to my bus because it's like the 2nd one, and on my way to the bus, my pants just come down, bundling around my ankles and I trip, face first into the concrete. And, the worst part, I was wearing a hot pink thong because my mom hadn't washed my underwear. I was so embarassed. I still haven't heard the end of it.
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I know I may sound like a motivational speaker but, almost dieing made me truly see life. I hope that no one else has to almost die to see it. Everyday I realize, I could NOT be here right now. I wanna thank my friends for caring so much. http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif Posted: 01:44 AM
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Great story GoldenFlower! LOL http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icq.gif

...I use to know a girl we called GoldenShower,... but no.. I won't go there.

I have a few more stories for later when I get the time. Some more good ones about Joel and others too. Till then keep them coming.
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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 10:26 AM
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[freakwentflyer]

scratcho
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dumbass

OK--I'll try one.Back in 1960,my buddy Richard and I got drunkern 2 sombitches and decided to crash at his place.We staggered and bumped our way down the hall to his room and successfully flopped into the single beds contained therein.About ten minutes after floppin',he puked all over himself and his bed.I was layin' there with one foot on the floor tryin'to keep the room from spinning out of control and attempting to ignore the awful stench consuming the place.I was thinking-"oh god --I gotta shit--oh god---I gotta puke--oh --god I gotta get up".I vaguely remembered his parents were in bed at the other end of the hall and knew I had to try to be quiet getting to the shitter.I don't know how in the hell I got there--but I did--- alternately puking and crapping,I felt likeI was doing handstands.I sort of remember thinking that some dirty bastard had snuk up on me and shit in my mouth--what a godawful taste in my mouth--so I grabbed a toothbrush--I didn"t care who it belonged to ,an squeezed what I thought was toothpaste on it and tried to brush.Motherfucker!It was Burma shave or some kind of soapy shit.I immediately spat the shit out all over the bathroom mirror .The next thing I remember was several people trying to pull covers off me and telling me to please get out of their bed.I had taken a wrong turn out of the bathroom and gotten in bed with his parents! We laughed about it years later,but for a while I was persona non grata around there. scratcho Posted: 12:28 PM
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Great story Sratcho! LOL

A friend of mine, Ryan, had a simular situation.

After a night on the town, a girl/friend of his took him to her aunt and uncles place on the beach where she was staying for the week. The aunt and uncle and their two kids were asleep when they got there. Ryan crashed on the couch. Later he got up to piss but ended up in a bed.
Ryan had long blonde hair. The two kids, a boy and girl both had long blonde hair. When the aunt and uncle awoke, the aunt began stroking the head of one of the kids that climbed in bed with them through the night. But, of course, it was Ryan. When he lifted his head up, she saw him and screamed. The uncle, woke and screamed, Ryan screamed as he jumped for the door with the uncle chasing him with a lamp.

Ryan got away. They all laughed about it later over oysters and beer.

Several years later, Ryan feel asleep, drunk driving and almost died. Lost one eye and crippled his hips.

Two years after that, he was riding another friend of mines
jet ski and ran into a boat, breaking both of his legs. Totalled the ski.

Six months later, at my wedding reception, Ryan's girlfriend ditched him for the guy with the jet ski.
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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 06:18 PM
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ROFL

that was a damn cromulent story! http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif
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The band (Alice in Chains) used to have a strict policy of dating only girls who worked in fast food restaurants so that they could eat for free Posted: 08:08 AM
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The video tape thing reminded me of some old friends of mine. They made a tape of themselves on somebody else's video camera and forgot to erase it. Well he video taped something and was showing it at a party of about 15 of the couples friends, and apparantly he didn't record long enough because the entire party saw my friends home-made porno. The best part is, right before the camera cut off and went to static the last thing that was heard was "Don't worry, maybe it'll look bigger on Tv."
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dumbass again

Great stories Freakwentflyer,Goat and all---hell,I've done dumb -ass shit as long as I can remember--here's another you might enjoy.In "59 or thereabouts,one night I was going to a dance in town and I was duded up in a brand new Pendelton shirt(man --they are beautiful and spendy--still are,I guess).Anyway,I was in a hurry and had to take (or preferably leave)a shit,so I whipped my car into a gas station,went in the crapper and began to proceed.Things were proceeding nicely--me ensconced on the throne,suckin' on a cig,when my buddies reminded me,by pounding on the door,that we were in a hurry.Jolted out of my reverie,I grabbed a handful of shit paper and took care of business.LO and behold and Dirty son of a bitch,I wiped my ass on my fine Pendelton shirt!I was so mad I ripped it off,buttons flying,and flung it in the trash can,knocking the cig out of my face at the same time.I cleaned up,left for the dance ,determined to have a good time,despite another dumbass trick.About an hour later,a friend came into the dance and said "hey man,did you hear about the fire at the Richfield station?Some dumbass threw a fucken cigarette in the trash"My brain immediately said "shut the fuck up" to its self and having an aversion to possible confinment,it obeyed.The only thing it would allow me to say was"You know ,there's way too many dumb-asses running around these days"You know Freakwent--I have never had the opportunity to fuck a fine piece of furniture,you lucky dog,but neither have I ever had another Pendelton shirt! Regards-----scratcho

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Alright Sratcho, http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icon14.gif

Great one. LOL
You must have been one wild ass youngster,- puking, shittin', burnin' shit down. I accidently burnt a house down in 8th grade, but not a very funny story.

Keep 'em coming! I know Sratcho's got one or two more comin' up.

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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 08:31 PM
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My brother used to sleepwalk. One night he walked to the end of the hallway, and pissed all over my Mother's book bag.

One year, me and two of my cousins were doing our own rendition of the "I'm too sexy" song, and stripping down to our boxers in front of an audience. When it was over, I gracefully exited the stage by stepping in a bucket and nearly falling http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

In the dead of winter, I was walking across a field of snow. I spotted one of my friends. He spotted me as well and flipped me the bird. Well, I couldn't let that slip, so I lifted both my arms into the air so I could top him with two birdies. At the same time, a gust of wind caught my rediculously large winter coat and picked me up off my feet and into the air. I ended up landing on my back laughing.

Another time I was watching my friends play chicken on GT Snowracers. They wanted to see who could get closest to the river without going in (Now there's a brilliant idea!). One of them flew right into the river. He makes his own way out of the river, forgetting about his snowracer. After getting out, he jumped right back in again to retrieve it.

That's all the stories I can think of for now http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif
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Many an embarrassing moment for me... heres a few

Ok I was at a funeral when I was younger and it was mid May, and I was wearing a black buttonup dress. I went to pick lilacs for my aunts who were all gathered outside with the rest of my family, I started running with the flowers towards my family when my whole dress flew open in front of everyone

Another time I was trying to impress my older sister's friend, Garrett telling him I could do some really sweet tricks on the trampoline. So, I go to land a front flip (which I normally do fine) end up landing right on the edge of the trampoline go flying off it with loss of balance right into a lawn chair that ends of flopping over and me ending up rolling halfway across the yard...Garrett: "Ughh, are you ok" not too impressive

Another time me and my friend decided to get drunk at her boyfriends with some of his friends..his parents were home but they were upatair and we were in the cellar. We were taking shots of vodka and some green apple shnapps crap, and I was fucking wasted. We go upstairs and sit in the living room, all the whill I'm sitting there breathing in and out trying not puke, I end up running to the kitchen trying to get to the sink but puke all over the floor and the shelves, on the phone, and the counter...then after that in the sink. His mom hears this comes running down freaking out, and nearly steps in my own puke
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"But then one day, I met a man who came to me and said, hard work good and hard work fine, but first take care of head" Posted: 11:44 PM
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dumbass onece mo

Thanks frequent--oh yeah --I was a wild one alright--quit drinking at 28 for 20 years or so when I was coerced (well --maybe not)into taking some window pane in hawaii--which of course led to the million stories I have about all of that.Anyway here's another couple of goofy things I accomplished.I've always been a girl watcher-(who isn't)-still am --nothing like a beautiful girl.One time I saw two lovlies across the street from me,going the opposite direction and of course I put on a big dumbass grin,watching them look back at me and--- BONG--damn--- there I was ,looking up at the sky,ears ringing,a fucken knot on my cranium the size of the proverbial golf ball.Lesson learned:never butt heads with a metal light pole!Next thing I heard was what sounded like a couple of jackasses braying from across the street.Then there was the time I was just about to get in my car(4 door "40 plymouth)when this lovely and I made eye contact and both liked it.I kept looking at her as I grabbed the door handle and got in---oh god dammit---I had gotten in the back seat!She was still looking at me,so being 16 at the time,I sure as hell did'nt want to look like the dumbass that I was,so I started acting like I was looking for something back there"till she left.Ain"t life grand?-regards-----scratcho Posted: 05:11 PM
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[Willow-Bridget-Love]

yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you! i really do! wow.. i ve missed all those stories! and i was soo sad when i lost them all!!! yay! dude! thankyou!! yay!

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Cool! Good ones.

FENRIS,
My cousin, Mike Bumbulski, walked in his sleep as a kid. One night his mom caught him standing in front of the open fridge, he must of been hungry. He also must have had to go to the bathroom because he was pissing in the fridge.
INFINITE CHARLIE,
Thanks for "exposing" yourself like that. In high school I did the whole first act of a play with my zipper to my big baggey 40's style pants wide open. No underwear.
That same play, Inherit The Wind, I had a line,"it takes a pretty smart fella to say I don't know the answer". On the final dress rehersal, I said, "it takes a pretty fart smeller to say...." fortunately, I got it right with the audiances.

SCRATCHO,
What can I say, you crack me up. I wish I had a dollar for every time I got drunk and made an ass of myself trying to impress the ladies.


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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 11:32 AM
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this one isnt so much about me, but i was involved.

the guy i was with took me to a party where i didnt really know anyone. well, we drank and smoked quite a bit, and went to sit by the bonfire pile. he sat next to me and asked if i wanted to go in the woods for a romp... of course i did!

so yea, we head into the woods (note: it had rained all week) and stripped... only to lay down in some pretty damn gushy ground. ok, i could deal, it was just mud, no big.
until ian, who was too drunk and high to know which was was up, claimed to be having sex with me... when in reality.. he was fucking the mud....

anyhow, we broke up, and somehow the topic got brought up, and i spilled to our friends. he came back to where we were hanging out, and every joke made had to do with mud, til the point when it reached talking about fucking mud, whereupon ian stands up and screams "i fuck mud! i stick it in the mud!" and we're all thinking... yes... yes you do. he hadn't remembered the entire incident! it remained a huge inside joke for our group that he was totally outside of but still pretended to understand and join in, which made it even funnier.

the guilt killed me, and i told him what it was about. he hasnt talked to me in a month. lol. but he still thinks its hilarious, he tells all the guys so.

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acts like a guy, but looks like a girl Posted: 01:12 AM
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Alright SqueeNess, http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icon19.gif

So now I don't feel so stupid. I fucked a couch, your friend fucks mud, surely there has to be all kinds of fuckers out there.
I have to leave for a week. Taking my wife on our long over due honeymoon, to the Bahamas. When I get back I hope to find more "super fuck up" stories. I have a few more myself to add later.
Take care. On second thought, don't take care, you may be able to create a new story.


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[freakwentflyer]

I hope sticking in all these oldies in here isn't too confusing or against the rules.
And I'll eventually (hopefully) get all that's still on the old site, on here. But, I also hope we get some more new good stories. Got any?

[freakwentflyer]

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frequent flyer, you are THE man. Keep em coming.
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Although I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they weren't Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers. Posted: 12:48 AM
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Thanks StreetCarp.

I'm back from vacation!
http://www.hipplanet.com/galleries/data/500/1650billbh2-thumb.jpgThe wife and I did a four day cruise to the Bahamas. Had a great time!



So, my wife (Emily) and I are seated for lunch on the cruise with this old couple and their 15 yr old grandson. The old lady, asked where we're from and other polite chat.
In conversation, I said that we left the little one at home, a two year old girl. Then the lady says, "that's just like our grandson, he and his little brother have a big age dfferance, his brother's 4".
My wife and I looked at each other both realizing that the old lady must think that we're father and daughter. So, we let them think that till we finished lunch.
Then I stood up, said "it was nice to meet you folks, hope you have a safe trip back to Pittsburg", then I reached over and gave a good lip lock kiss to Emily and said, "let's get back to the room and get naked". Then Emily, said to the family who sat with their jaws dropped, "you'll have to excuse him, this whole cruise he's been like a walking hard-on".
We laughed all the way back to our room.

Posted: 04:04 PM
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Posted: 04:17 PM
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Back in middle school, when i was dumb kid, one day in home ec we made mini pancakes, well i got started on mine late (wasteing time, im sure) and they got done right when the bell was ringing, so no time to eat them, so i just stuffed them in my pants pocket for later. Next hour is math class. Middle of calls i get bored and take one out and start eating it, well of course someone notices it and the whole class starts laughing, people still remember that to this day.
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If you wanna chat on MSN...my user name @hotmail.com.... Posted: 06:09 PM
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hippieandproudofit

On the surface, that seems like a lame story, but pituring it actually happening is very funny.
I once lost a bet in high school and had to wear lunch meat in my shoes all day.http://www.hipplanet.com/galleries/data/500/1650amazing-thumb.jpg

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goddammer!

Lunchmeat in your shoes!Thats one of the funniest things I ever heard!----Here's one-although I'm not sure it was that dumb--but anyway ,when I was going to college,I lived in a little duplex for a while and my neighbor was a little dweeb who managed a Sprouse Reitz,or some such. A totally square and straight guy.Well ,my half of the duplex was a party house and I,of course played music as loud as I wanted ,but I told him that if the music was too loud, to bang on the wall and I would turn it down.One night I was cranking something,probably Little Richard and was fairly well lubricated,when I heard a little bang on the wall.So of course,I banged back(obviously acording to our previous agreement).He banged louder --I banged louder --he banged louder--I banged LOUDER--BANG--his little dweeb fist came right through the wall!My guests were laughing their asses off and I stuck my face up to the wall and hollered "Damn ,I bet you wish you hadn"t done that!Un fortunately for him ,our landlord came the next day to check shit out and when he asked me if the neighbors tale of woe was true ,I told him my stereo had been broken for a month--sir.Poor little bastard got kicked out for being too rowdy!Oh well--they come and they go.------scratcho Posted: 04:57 PM
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Shit! The CIA attack wiped out about 9 days of posts.

This sucks. If any of you can remember the stories you lost, please rewrite them.
I know I lost my streaking story, but remind me of what else I lost. I'll get them back in when I get the time.

So here's a story a friend recently reminded me of.

In 1976, age 19,I was out with a few friends at a dico, though we weren't the disco type, that's where the girls were. We sat at a big round table then a few friends of one of my friends sat down. We were up and down from the table for about an hour or so, when someone broke out a small bottle of RUSH, something popular in the gay scene but being heads, anything for a buzz. You open the top, and inhale the fumes to get a brief but intense head rush.
It was discretely used and passed around the big table untill it reached I guy I didn't know straight across from me. Luckily for him, I happened to notice that he opened the bottle and proceeded to DRINK the contents. I jumped up and screamed, SPIT IT OUT! I don't know if it was my screaming or the taste, but he spit it out in a straight stream right into an ashtray containing a lit cigarette.

Instantly, the ashtray ignighted flame shooting up the stream and catching his face on fire.
This happened so quickly, but happening in a crowded disco, where we really didn't fit in, and all eyes suddenly drawn to our table it seemed like forever as I tried to put the fire on the table out, and guys next to the idiot, slapped his face to put out the flames.
With the fire out, we tried to sit still, like nothing had happened, with all of us looking to this guy wondering if he was going to drop over dead on our table. His eyebrows were gone and his face was beat red.
Someone finally asked, "are you alright?"
He mumbled something, then stood up and walked out of the club sort of zig zagging.
I said, "you better go check on your friend".
The guy that was next to him said,"I thought he was with you guys".
Turns out none of us knew the guy. And we never saw him again.

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SCRATCHO STORY.....I copied from another thread.

I had another thread called Amazing stories that Scratcho posted the following story on. Thought it should be here.
_________________________________________
Quote Scratcho-
I've got one --Back about 59',a friend of mine wanted a monkey(what the hell for,I never found out).So we get in his mom's car and head to a town about 30 miles away to get one .Browsed around in the pet shop for a while and he finally picked out this capuchin monkey and paid about 30 bucks for it with a cage and a leash.We started back home with the monkey in the cage in the back seat and he also had a short chain leash on.(the monkey, of course).Well,he was just sitting in his cage quietly--looking so cute and calm .I was driving and my buddy Bill was talking and making little noises at his monkey.Pretty soon ,he says "I think I'll open the cage--the guy said he was tame".Waddya think?I said"Bill--I sense trouble.I sense big trouble"He said "ah fuck it--he'll be alright.With that said ,he reached back and opened the cage.I want to state right here---you haven't been witness to a true clusterfuck until you've been driving down the road at 70 miles an hour with a SCREAMING crapping,biting monkey attached to a chain going round and round the inside of a car!I managed to get the car stopped in a giant cloud of dust and we piled out covered in monkey shit, and let the critter have the car.Some cars stopped and some people asked if we were ok,and when they saw what happened ,had quite the laugh at our expense.I honestly don't remember how or if we got that monkey back in his cage or what,but something very similar happened when we tried to give him a bath.Evidently ,monkeys don't like water much.Well, they kept the monkey for a while and he took a liking to Bill's mom and would sit next to her on the couch--he was jealous of Bill's dad and would raise hell if he got too close to the mom.I guess the final straw was when he buried his face in Bill's dad's crotch and bit him on the nutsack for getting too close to Bill's mom.I did not make the trip back to the pet shop to return him.
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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 07:00 PM
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For this story to be funny you really have to *picture* it in you head.

Anyways, we were sitting around in my friend Jamison's basement, and we were doing the sort of things that friends do in basements. Jamison, one of more *intresting* friends, finds a glow-stick (the kind that are basically a vial full of glowing goo) sitting around on a shelf. He cracks it and starts playing around with the glowing glow-stick and is sorta chewing on it. I offhandedly remark that it'd be really funny if he got glow-stick goo in his mouth. All of us then start talking about how it'd be really funny to see somebody on the street puking up a whole lot of glowing goo. Well, Jamison, being the genious he is, bites the glow stick open and fills his mouth with the stuff. Green goo is dripping down his face onto his floor. I make a remark about stabbing aliens (and their glowing green blood,) and Jamison bursts out laughing, getting his entire room covered in green glowing speckles. We try to clean it up, but the paper towels just turned green in addition to the carpet and walls. We had a trashcan full of radioactive green towels and a rave-like room. His parents eventually hear us, and they pick up on the "clean it up before they notice" theme in our conversation. His parents, thinking we were drunk (not to say we weren't on something) and somebody had puked on the floor, came down and open up his room door. They just stood there for a few seconds, looked at us, and left. We eventually managed to get the stuff out of his carpet, but there are still a few dull yellow stains on the floor to remind us. Posted: 02:38 PM
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This 4th of July we were having a huge party/cookout and we were all extremely drunk and high. We were in the middle of having a fireworks war with the neighbors. Somehow during the course of events my friends dared me to shoot a bottlerocket out of my dick. Well of course I did and I must say just sticking the bottle rocket down in there a little bit hurt like fuck. The bottlerocket was lit and then pure chaos was unleashed...first the bottlerocket set my pubes on fire. It then shot into the back pocket of my friends pants. He happened to have 6 bottlerockets facing downward in his back pocket. All 6 of them ignited also and set his ass on fire. He went running through the woods trying to take his pants off. He finally got them off and then jumped into the creek to cool his scorched ass off. I guess about 20 people witnessed the whole thing and they were laughing there asses off at us.
I was okay but he ended up getting 3rd degree burns from his ass down to the back of his knees. Posted: 10:59 PM
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Drunk people and fireworks are never a great mix.
My friend Kelly has this really awesome house that backs right onto the lake. She had a huge, end of summer party.We spent most of the night skinny dipping in the lake, or in the hot tub. But at about 2am some boys found some fireworks in her garage. So they decided that one of them would run through the woods, and the other one would chase after them trying to shoot them with the fireworks. It was a pretty dumb idea, but what can you expect from a bunch of drunk and bored country kids? It was pretty hilarious watching them stumbling through the trees, with bursts of bright,pretty lights every few seconds or so though.
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give me a reason to be beautiful. Posted: 12:50 AM
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ChinaCatStarflower-I can picture it. LOL

Shockw4ve-
Quote-Somehow during the course of events my friends dared me to shoot a bottlerocket out of my dick. Well, of course I did......
_______________-
LOL! I was saving this story for later, but since you had to mention bottlerockets in your dick....

When I was 31 my ex-wife, Elise and I were driving down the interstate late at night and I had to piss, so I took a remote exit only to find the only business on the exit was a CLOSED gas station. So I pulled up next to the building, and stood next to a coke machine to piss.
As my ex tells it, she watched me standing by the coke machine, then suddenly saw a bolt of lightning shooting out of my dick right before I flew backward on my ass. I had pissed into a wall socket.
I burnt the inside of my dick. No serious damage, but I couldn't cum for about 2 weeks. Elise, loves telling that story every chance she gets.
Freak

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In high school (early-mid 70's) I was living in England. My father was U.S. Air Force.
Streaking was something new back in the states, which we had read about. So, a few of my friends and I were among the first to bring it to England.
One day, the village I lived in off base had a small day festival that my friend Randy H. and I decided to streak.
I was "The Blue Streak", always wore blue tennis shoes and a blue ski mask.
Randy and I prepared in a field nearby, then came running from between two buildings into the crowd butt naked. The crowd began to cheer, laugh and clap as we neared them.

Just at our closes point to the crowd, Randy slipped in the wet muddy grass and landed sliding belly, balls, and knees across a cement driveway.
I stopped for him. By the time I got him to his feet, several people had gathered around us. Directly in front of me was a fellow classmate, the very beautiful, Karen Hartsfield.
Randy was standing, bleeding a bit but ready to run again but Karen stood just inches in front of me blocking my way.
We had eye contact (she knew I was the Blue Streak), then her eyes, those very sexy eyes, drifted down to my crotch, lingered for a moment then back up to my eyes. Then she said,"Bill, you and I really need to get together sometime."

Suddenly, I felt the blood rush to my loins. I was getting a hard-on in front of over 100 people.
I started running, Randy right behind. I ran through the crowd with my semi-hard cock swinging side to side as if it was signaling the crowd to step aside and let us through.
I ran as fast as I could, trying not to think about Karen Hartsfield.
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The missing naked girl

Kirsten, if you're reading this, I hope you don't mind. But I gotta tell it.

I was 24 and living in, Los Angeles. I had recently met 18 yr old, Kirsten H. A very pretty "model/actress" who had just finished working a bit part in the movie "Rumble Fish". She was new to L.A., from San Fransico.
It was the first night I took her out. I picked her up in my '78 Chevy van. It was lined inside with red shag carpet, with a couch that opened to a bed. We had hit several clubs on the Sunset Strip and drank a great deal in the van. We also had smoke pot which (turned out) was new to her. It was time to head back to my house so I left her to rest on the bed in the dark and listen to music which I had turned up fairly loud.
I lived in Burbank which that time of night only took 20-30 minutes drive from West Hollywood.
When I got home, I went into the back of the van only to find all of Kirsten's clothes (including her panties) but NO Kirsten. I looked under the couch, but she was gone.
I thought, my god, she could have got out at any number of red lights I hit along the way. Then, what if she jumped out while I was moving! I was beginning to feel a major freak-out coming on.
Then suddenly I heard a faint cry. Also, in my van was an extremly small sink with a very tiny cabinet under it.
I opened the tiny door and there she was. Balled up naked in a space no one but a contortionist could fit in. She was crying. I said, "are you stuck?" She said, "no". "Then why are you crying?" I asked.
As she unfolded herself out of the cabinet, she said, "because I don't wanna grow up!"
I let her sleep it off at my house.
Three and 1/2 years later she moved out.

We still talk now and then. She's a good friend and successful investment broker, wife and mother living just outside San Fransico.
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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 06:35 PM
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There's several stories about my dad, he used to tell them to me when I was younger. Who knows if they're all true http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif .. I assume they are.. there are lots more, he was a crazy fuck when he was younger these are the two I remember offhand, they're not that funny really.

First, my dad and his friend nicnamed Goose were drinking and fishing when they were teenagers. Goose kept getting his line caught in a tree, so he decides to cut the tree, only when he's almost done they realize there's a canoe coming almost right under it. He just stops sawing the tree, and they leave like nothing happened.

The other involves dad and Goose too..

Dad and goose were partying in the woods, they needed some good firewood, and since they liked to cause trouble they thought some fence posts would be a good idea. Dad has a vw beetle back then I believe, anyways, they cut some fence posts, put them in the back, and out the right window.. as my dad is driving off one of the fence posts hits a fence post outside that's still standing, and slams Goose into the windshield..

they're funnier when dad tells them http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

One about my mom...

Her parents never drank and were very strict about her going out.. one night she got totally wasted and came home with her friend. She starts telling her mom about the snakes under the sofa, then she tells her dad, and she's being really really loud about snakes under the sofa, while her friend is trying to get her to go to her room. Her parents never mentioned it, oddly.
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Neros_Neptune, http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icon14.gif

Thanks! Those are funny stories because they're true.

The fence post story jogged my memory.
Here's another Joel story.

1978, Age 20, Joel and I used money we had just made working on a film to go back to England for a visit. His parents were still there and his brother was graduating from our old high school so we went to the schools senior party at the beach. We were the "cool actor/stuntmen from the states" that they had heard of, so we knew we could end up with some cuties. And we did. Two hot cheerleaders snatched us up. After many drinks we took off in Joel's parents car. A very small British 4 door something.
The girls wanted to know all about our work. Then one asked if we could do a stunt.
The dumb asses that we were, drunk and all, we said sure.
Joel sped up down the winding narrow road as I opened the back door to climb up on the roof. As I started out the door Joel looked back at me not seeing that he was drifting off the road. I got my head just above the top of the door when the side of the car started hitting the embankment on the side of the road slamming the door on my head. It kept slamming over and over for what seemed like forever to me. I tried to pull my head out but it kept slamming, holding me in place.
Finally, he pulled the car back out of the rut and on the road, and I fell back into the car. I was numb. The girls were freaking out. Joel started laughing. So I said, "wanna see it again? Then the girls, now thinking we did that intentionally, laughed with amazement. "You guys are CRAZY!"

No, we didn't get laid that night. But, we had a good time.



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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 11:15 AM
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hahaha!

keep them coming! these are so funny! good thing i found this existed, otherwise i'd probably still be feeling down.
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http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gifhttp://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif Posted: 03:54 PM
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Oh shit!

Indeed--I am so fucking dumb sometimes--I dropped a ladder off my truck on the freeway a couple days ago--- the sucker spread across both lanes--cars were swerving and assholes were hollering at me and by the time I got the fucken thing off the road ,I could have put it in my pocket!Jeez--People won't slow down for nothin'.But it made me think of another act of genius that I was able to acomplish some years back.I was home on a weekend from Fort Ord (national Guard-6 mos. active duty).I had a date on a saturday night and borrowed my Dad's brand new Desoto--a really fine looking 2 door car with the big fins and all.Well- a bunch of us went to a party and then to the country to dance and drink beer.It's all country around here--and my hometown was about 2000 pop. then ,so we didn't have to go far.It had been windy all day and was still really blowing.Later, my date and I took off and I was taking her home, with the wind howling like hell--she lived on a farm about halfway between 2 roads --the roads being a mile apart going north and south.We were heading east and when we got to the 1st road,there was a yellow sawhorse with a flashing light,and naturally I thought "what the hell is that all about?,but not really giving a shit.We pulled into her place,played smacky-mouth for a while and then she went in.I took off and wanted to see how that Desoto could haul ass!I stomped her and reached for my cigs at almost the same time.Well ,I guess I was doing about 40 or 50 when I hit the goddamn tree.Oh I didn't run off the road--no--there was a giant eucalyptus tree across the road due to the wind (hence the sawhorse--DUH)and I had launched me an the Desoto all up into it!I was still half drunk and could not believe what had happened.I was thinking at this point that maybe I could just back out,but when I stepped on the gas ,the wheels just spun.OK--plan B--fuck--what the hell was plan B?Whatever plan B was ,I knew it involved me getting out of the car.SO I got out and promptly fell through branches,leaves,dust and all ,about 6 fuckin feet!How I got that car buried up in there that high,I couldn't guess.When I got myself together and fought my way out of the foliage--I went back and humbly asked my dates' dad if he would pull me off the tree with his tractor.He did --with only the loss of a bumper--and I was on my way.On the way home there,was such a screeching sound coming from the front of that beautifull Desoto,that I was afraid for her life.About halfway home--a loud BANG--sparks flying by the drivers window and the goddamned left front wheel and tire were keeping pace with me.The damn thing pulled right over the lugnuts and was racing alongside the drivers door.Fuck me---well ,I got her stopped ,grinding off part of the brake drums in the process,collected the wheel and tire and drove the poor thing home.So here I am --sitting in the driveway--the lovely Desoto--front end smashed-back -bumper sticking out of the back seat--left front brake ground off about a third--scratches and dents on the rest of it--drunk and unlaid --and the sun's coming up.What can a poor boy do.Haul ass--thats what!Chickenshit bastard that I was--I didn't come back for a year.The car was never mentioned and I supposed it wouldn't have been wise to even ASK him what kind of a car he was driving! scratcho-------ain't life grand?

[freakwentflyer]

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Life IS grand, Scratcho!

You know, people are gonna start thinking we're making this shit up.
I've got many more to tell when I get the time. I left a message for my friend Joel (in a few of my stories) to help jog my memory. I know he has some good ones to tell (the David Cassidy story).
I know you gotta have a few more, Sratcho.

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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 02:34 PM
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remember you can always breath thru your mouth Posted: 03:21 PM
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yup

Yeah flyer--I know--some of this stuff seems unbelievable,-but some of us actually live all this stuff.Can you imagine NOT having lived it.Looking back on my life--I realize I"ve had more fun,( and that includes stupid shit and otherwise), than several hundred people are supposed to have!Nobody ,other than you ,seems to comment on my stories,so maybe I'm not believed by most in here--but I'm not in the habit of making shit up--so if you keep 'em coming ---so will I.I got a bunch more--hell--I'm still makin' em!--------ain't life grand?----scratcho Posted: 10:08 PM
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http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icon14.gif Acratcho..i didnt reply..but i just wanna say i love your stories dude!! there entertaining as hell...and i enjoyed..peace out
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If you wanna chat on MSN...my user name @hotmail.com.... Posted: 07:24 PM
October 10, 2003

[freakwentflyer]

RoamingHippy
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Great stories freakwentflyer and scratcho! I have had many a fun time, although I can't seem to think of any that rival yours. I don't really have the story telling gene, but I'll try.

A couple of friends and I went merrily into a small forest bordering out suburb to smoke some pot. All of the trees were dropping this cotton like seed shit. There was about a foot of it blanketing the entire ground. We thought it would be pretty cool to light it on fire. It kept burning away from us in a half circle until we realized we were fuct. It continued to light leaves, trees, any everything in-between on fire. We tried to put it out but it was useless. The sky was covered in smoke and the trees were burning! We heard the sirens so we decided to make haste. Further in the forest my friend told me about his discovery upon a stash of porn magazines. He said he was going back for them, what the fuck? He wanted me to wait but I ran like hell. It's wasn't very funny at the time, I thought the police were going to be knocking on my door for about 2 weeks there.

Another time me and a friend were walking around stoned[like usual]. Anyways, we were munching.. this time on KFC popcorn chicken. My friend was having a good time feeding the seagulls chicken. All of a sudden he straightens and tenses his whole body. I was wondering what was up because just a moment ago we were laughing like maniacs. He slowly reaches for his neck with his free-hand. I was asking him what was wrong and he declares that a bird had shit on him. The shit was watery and gooey and dripped down his back. I found it pretty funny at the time.

Umm.. another time a couple of friends and I were stoned and one of them proclaimed that he needed to take a piss. Well every time in our past escapades I had found it amusing to chase him full-throttle while he was doing the deed. It was even funnier when he came back walking slowly and embarrassed with piss covering the front off his pants. Anyways, this time he had wizened up and took off a hundred yards of so, over this hill so that I couldn't see or chase him. So I was chillin' with my friend waiting for the other when I got the idea to throw rocks at him. So I picked up a few rocks and started flailing them aimlessly in his direction. I really thought nothing of it and had no intention of hitting him. So he comes back with the same sort of drawn out walk and as he closes in I see that the front of his pants are indeed soaked. My friend and I thought this was hilarious and we had to hear what happened. He tells me that there were rocks nailing the fence behind him and one of them actually hit in the leg! I guess it is cruel, but no one got hurt. http://www.hipforums.com/images/smilies/smile.gif



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Just another new age hippy on the road of life. Posted: 08:52 AM
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RoamingHippy,

Thanks, for the image of your friend dodging flames and cops to save his porn stash.LOL

[freakwentflyer]

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Damn you guys got some pretty interesting lifes. I don't have anything interesting unless... When I was like eight me and one of my friends would collect our piss in gatorade bottels, I stored it outside and when my parents were cleaning the outside they found it. I was so so so damn scared. Luckily since it was in a gatorade container they thought it was gatorade. I stoped collecting my piss after that...
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a pisser!

Feta-You are certainly lucky nobody took a swig of that"gatorade".I don"t know why you saved your piss,but I'll tell you why I saved mine.In my little hometown of 2000,there was a tradition on Halloween of water balloon fights.And I mean every person from 7 or 8 up to college age and older participated in gigantic balloon fights all over town after trick or treating.If anyone drove down main street--including the cops--they got pelted Halloween night.Imagine every clique of people ,from 2 to maybe a dozen or two people on foot, to teenagers in pickups ,to kids on downtown rooftops throwing water balloons at everybody and anybody who showed their faces.And NEVER any fights.Just didn't happen.A giant free-for all- that was fun as hell.When I moved back here some years back,it wasn"t done any more.I guess you'd get shot these days.Anyway,my buddy Richard and I found a 5 gallon sprayer that that had a long 2 piece handle with an oriface about the size of a healthy piss hole and when pumped would shoot about 30 feet!( see where I'm going?)Well Richard and I had taken a horrendus wetting the year before,from a group of 18 and 19 year olds and we weren't about to forget it!(we were 10 or 11)Those balloons hurt too,if you're smashed in the face with 'em.So we kept that sprayer in our clubhouse and pissed in it 'till it was full.We knew all the little hiding places in the neighborhood-the good bushes to hide behind-the places we grew up with,as little ones.The 1st time those assholes we were gunning for came by in the back of a pickup ,looking to soak somebody--we gave 'em a few good shots of rotten smelling piss.The windows were open so we got all of em'front and back!The truck screeched to a stop and we could hear them cussing and carrying on --"back up--lets get those little fuckers!"Shit-we were already gone to our next hiding place on the other end of the block--primed and ready.They came around the block--looking around and hollering and shit--"come out you little bastards--we"re gonna kick your asses!"Well-we really soaked the shit out of "em from our dark hiding place and were gone again--.This went on for 2 or 3 more times and they finally gave up and went on their disgustingly piss-soaked way vowing to kick the shit out of us next time they saw us!It was a bluff--those dumb fucks never found out who it was(until I told them years later) and we gloated in silence as the rest of the town heard about how the self important big shots got theirselves soaked in piss by a bunch of little kids!------------------ain't life grand?------------------------------------------scratcho Posted: 05:42 PM
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[freakwentflyer]

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I don't really have any wild stories that I can remember.. I was always a cautious one. My dad and his old hippy buddies have a lot of good stories though. They are a different breed of story though; more on the side of funny but not embarrassing. It's hard to convey the humor of them over the internet. Not to mention I don’t have/remember the details to make them imaginable. They had plenty of escapades including canoeing down rivers with more booze than food, going on road trips in my dads van, growing pot, excessive drinking, psychedelics, concerts, backpacking around South America, women, and so on. One of my dad’s friends was a pilot and was deeply involved in the smuggling of drugs. Another of my dad’s friends was one of the pioneers of hydroponics pot on Vancouver Island. They all lived in a huge old house in the ghetto of Vancouver at one point. I’m sure there are many a story that he hasn’t told me, maybe I’ll hear em someday. They definitely had a lot of good times; and I hope to continue in his footsteps.
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Just another new age hippy on the road of life. Posted: 10:53 PM
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Lesson learned! Back about ten years ago I met a guy for lunch and after a couple glasses of wine, we went out in a little forested area behind the restaurant and got al ittle frisky. After about 30 minutes of rolling around in the beauty of mother nature, with the sun out full force and our sweat glands working overtime, we parted ways. Two days later I was at the doctors office with poison ivy on 90% of my body. haha. I ran into my friend the next day and he was in the same boat. This little poison ivy excapade cost 2 doctor visits, 2 round of shots and pills, everything from oatmeal baths, bleach baths, old Indian remedies and everything on the pharmacy shelf. I missed out 2 weeks of work and was the laughing stock of my group of friends for years. Wasn`t really funny at the time...felt like I could scratch myself to death. Posted: 12:59 PM
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When my exwife and I started dating, she stayed with me for a week. While I was at work, she was going thru some video tapes I had and saw a tape labeled "kick boxer". Decieded to watch it. Instead of kick boxer, she watch a tape of a exgirlfriend and I doing it doggie style! Just forgot it was in there........

[freakwentflyer]

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Sometime in the late 80's I was at my old buddy Bruce's party. (Bruce passed away at age 31, from the excess that we all indulged in at the time. I wish we had all learned moderation earlier, he'd still be with us. I miss him.)

Anyway, the party was great. He had invited the new girl from the office (not as a date), can't remember her name so just for fun I'll call here, SlenderBlondeGirl. She was 19 and new to L.A., straight from a small town in Idaho. She an I had flirted a bit at the office so I was looking foward to seeing her let her hair down.
When she arrived, she and I couldn't stay away from one another. After a few drinks (and other intoxicants) we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Then my freindly rival from the office, Steve showed up with a mental bullseye of his own on SlenderBlondeGirl.
He brought the tequilla.

"Come on Bill, SlenderBlondeGirl, let's do some shots!"
SBG said,"I can drink any of you guys under the table!"
At the time I could out drink just about anyone (now just about anyone can out drink me) so I took on the challange.

I don't recall what happened immediately after that but later I was aware of a big tree above me and a street curb inches from my face as I was filling it with liquified party food. Then there was water spraying near me then on me as the lawn sprinklers came on (on a timer). I was soaked. Someone shut off the sprinklers, then rolling over on my back I saw Steve and SlenderBlondeGirl looking down at me. Steve-"Bill, what the fuck man, you look like shit buddy. Hey, you got some puke on my car!"
SBG-"Is this your car?" She looks excitedly at the black BMW I had aparently puked on.
She then leaned down to me and shook my wet hand."Bill, I had a great time, I hope you feel better."

She then stepped over me and into Steve's car. They drove off with me lying on the ground, resuming my hurling.
Bruce and his girlfriend came out with a blanket and moved me further from the curb up against the tree.
I said, "Steve wormed my girl".
Bruce said, "what would you do with her now if you had her,
challenge her to a puking contest?"

Within a year, Steve and SBG were married with a baby on the way. Last I heard they had two kids then were divorced.
When ever I talk to Steve, which is rare all these years later, he always says, "do any tequilla shots lately?"


aquarat
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hi freak went flying and scratcho. Thanks for the stories. i have enjoyed a night of big bellie laughs. Some of these stories should be published. We kneed more books filled with hilarous adventures. My favourites where The tale of the flaming rush lol. The monkey ( im giggling so hard now just remebering them), I can hardly type. And what woman could go past the electric shock dick. lol. So anyway here one of mine. This story took place about two years ago. My sister a high paid radio personality. Single 33 buys me recently divorced 29 year old struggling mother of two. A ticket to the hottest festival in my most favourite spiritual town. Bryon bay australia. My sister and her friends, had rented this swish apartment for the week overlooking the beach. There was eight people staying there, when i rocked up for the weekend. Here i am old mother hippie thrown in to a house full of people my own age for once. All extremely successfull. You could say i was feeling a bit out of place. Anyway im building here. On the second day of festival partying we woke up at the apartment and had a wicked joint with our eggs and coffee. And it was then decided i was to drive. Well me stoned because it dosent happen offen. Is a sight to see but me stoned driving, is stupid. Miracously i got us back too the the festival alive. I parked my car in the endless rows of cars parked on the grass. After a day and night of festing. (Where in a mosh i managed to lose my expensive reading glasses.lol.) On our way to the car we managed to pick up a extremely cute local surf hippie who needed a ride home. The girls where saying go for it amber because they new it had been a while, and were chatting. And im thinking to good to be true. So we start searching the endless rows of cars. And my sister says look some poor stoner has left there lights on. And as we get closer we realize that it was our car. And the girls start to rib me. And then realize not only did i leave the lights on i had left the car engine running. Yes all day and all night there was just enough petrol left to get us home. And to drop home the cute surfy who i was now to embarrased to look at. lol And of course as soon as we got home they ran inside with me behind them begging them not to tell everyone. but they did and after disbelief was hours of laughter and jokes at my expense.
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love light and laughter Posted: 08:30 AM
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me too.

Aquarat--Hi----I thought I was goofy falling asleep one day and letting my truck run all day--but you win.Glad you enjoyed the stories---got a bunch more--will probably put another one or two in soon.Good idea about maybe putting some stories in some kind of book form---I'd be up for it---maybe flyer would be too--he's got some funny -ass stories and more to come ,I'm sure. And others too.--------------------------------Australia-----ah--I've always wanted to come there--Ever since I was a teen and read about digging Opals at Coober Pedy.Dead dream # 123.---------------------------bye-bye---scratcho Posted: 01:58 PM
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I don't have many really halarious sex stories. Once we almost got cought doing it in my bf's moms room. I told him his mom would come back upstairs after she left and he insisted it was safe. there were other people in the appartment so we snuck off in there and just as we layed a towel down on the floor and i was practicly naked his mom comes in the place and knocks on her door..saying whatcha doin in there and he says ohhh uh Rose is getting dressed. She went and announced it to her friends we were cought.

And then theres this one time we were doin it on the couch and by brother came out to have a bowl of cerial so we were like on the couch pants down under the blanket in missionary pretending to watch a movie...very weird situation.

And that time we took a crapload of nasty pictures withour diggy cam and our very good friend saw every one of them while were sleeping one night.




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Another Kirsten story.

Hey Applespark and Dewed,
No Dewed, I don't sell any off-springs in my store though I hear there's a loveseat somewhere in England that looks an awful lot like me.
Applespark, did you keep going for it while your brother ate his cerial? Love daring women.

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I told a story about Kirsten in an earlier thread, when she was 18. I spoke with her on the phone recently and told her about this thread. She reminded me of another story. One that I may have already told (but was lost when the site went down). She refreshed my memory on it.

This wasn't the only time we were kicked out of Magic Mountain but it's the best story.

Shit! I gotta go, forgot about a meeting- I'll come back and finish tonight.

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WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO? Posted: 10:30 AM
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SIX FLAGS MAGIC MOUNTAIN

One saturday afternoon back in the early 80's, my former girlfriend and still good friend, Kirsten and I were in the Japanese Garden at Six flags magic mountain. It was at the top of a hill at the end of a path.
There was absolutely no one in the garden.
So we started getting a little affectionate. Which turned into her bent over a bench with her skirt pulled up and me, pants around my ankles right behind.
I was confident I could see if anyone was coming into the garden before they saw us. We were at the top of a hill and I could see down the only way anyone would come.
As I became more and more into the moment, I tilted my head back looking up at the beautiful sunny sky enjoying nature at it's finest.
Then in the corner of my eye, I spotted something.
It was the tower. At the top of the tower was a crowd of people waving. Some using those coin operated telescopes.
Though being an amusement park I could here yelling and screaming all around, these people were yelling and screaming at us. We were the amusement.
As I quickly pulled up my pants and Kirsten adjusted her skirt and panties, I waved back at the crowd as we headed down the hill.
Half way down, park security headed up the hill toward us.
They weren't so bad. They said because they didn't actually see us at it they weren't going to involve the police. They said that we have to leave and that if we ever come back to remember "this is a family park".
To which I replied,(I don't recall this but Kirsten says I said it)"exactly, and we're just trying to start a family!"


A RELATED STORY
Some friends and I dicided to go drop acid at Disneyland. Because lighting up a joint there is too risky, we brought along "brownies".
We got there early in the AM and dropped. It wasn't long before we got into the brownies. We had a LOT of brownies.
The problem was, the more we ate, the more munchies we got so we ate more brownies.
Sometime in the late afternoon, park security was prodding us trying to wake us up. We had all passed out tripping on the rocks of Tom Sawyers Island. Security said it took forever to wake us. We had to deal with security, told them we had been up for two days. They let us go.
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I'm laughing. I love your six flags story.

And by the way I didn't keep going because at the time we were like 16 and my brother didn't know we were having sex there. I didn't want to get into trouble.

I have had sex in the hall of a grade school. On some playground toys. In my bf's car in the appartment parking lot ( it was rocking) and other places I cannot remember but..never in a place that I knew I was going to be seen. I am too self concious. And I don't want to get arrested. Posted: 11:06 AM
October 26, 2003
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Back in '74 when I moved to Oregon from Hawaii,my girlfriend at the time,who was from Lincoln City,Ore--and I,opened a little art gallery on a strip of antique stores,a doll and dollhouse store and a restaurant.The restaurant was a great place and I used to show movies there before VCR's.The female owner was an old friend of my girl friends' and had some art work of my friend's on the walls--and she worked there from time to time.OK.I used to shut my little shop down when the tourists thinned out and go the couple hundred paces to the restaurant, drink coffee and bullshit with the characters who worked there.I used to have this goofy -ass routine where I bent over,jumped up and down,gave peace signs with both hands and farted like a mule!Used to get a few laughs --but the cook at the restaurant thought it was the funniest fucken thing he'd ever seen.So one day,I go into the joint to have some coffee and such-and the owner and the waitresses are literally on the floor in the kitchen laughing so hard ,they couldn't even tell me what the hell they were so out of control about!Finally one of the girls told me the cook,Chuck,who admired my little routine,had copied me while he was cooking and shit his pants!She said the look on his face--horrified helplessness, was fucken priceless.She said he duck -walked out the door and gingerly sat down on his recently acquired load of shit and took off to clean up,change and come back to work.They were so entirely cracked up when I came in,because the dumb ass had run out of gas,duck-walked up the road to a pay phone and needed a ride.-------just goes to show ya'.-----------------ain't life grand?--------scratcho Posted: 07:18 PM
October 30, 2003
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I'm sorry, I don't have an ilncredibly outrageous story to tell, but I read this post, and damn near laughed my ass off...this is my first visit here, I think...I will have to come back more often! Posted: 07:50 PM
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Ha Ha! That is too funny Scratcho. Reminds me of the time we were camped out and my son who was about 12 at the time, had to take a shit. He was up in the woods, pulled his pants down and sqatted. Shit right on them. So the next thing I hear "Mom, turn your head." And I just give him hell and keep up the "what for" for awhile and then finally I do. Here he comes down the hill heading straight for the lake and I turn my head towards him and there he is doing the duckwalk with his pants around his ankles with a big shit pile on them, his little bare ass just a shinin. Laughed til I phyically hurt.
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Those two "crappy" stories sure cheered me up this morning.

My only related story I can recall is, once when I was about 18, my younger brother (16) was in the only bathroom we had, for a long time. Tired of waiting I banged on the door and said, "come on hurry up, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT! After a short pause the door cracked open and I saw my brothers hand pop out down by the floor. He had taken one of his own turds out of the toilet and laid it outside the door on the floor. Shutting the door again, he said, "you can take that one, but that's all you get".

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http://www.hipforums.com/viewthread.php3?TID=114451 Posted: 10:28 AM
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hey ChinaCatStarflower, your glowstick story reminded me of a pool party I went to a while ago

These 2 kids, Matt and Tyler, found a couple glow sticks in the house and decided they wanted some camo that night. So they head into the bathroom, break them open and start spreading the stuff on their faces. Well it turns out that Matt was allergic to whatever is in those sticks. So Tyler runs out to the pool with glowing patterns on his face and sreams that Matt is swelling up real bad and everybody rushes inside. His parents drove him to the hospital sortly thereafter.
I can just image the nurses' screams when they saw Matt's glowing, swelled up face.
lol..... oh good times, good times

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http://farstrider.net/DeepThoughts/Handey.htm Posted: 03:48 AM
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damn it Im stupid!

a lot of you have probably done this, but Im posting it anyway...

smoking a pipe can be dangerous you know. This past Friday, me and a couple friends were getting high in my car; it was my turn to take a hit and they just told me to finish it. So I start sucking (Im alredy high from previous hits) and I see the pot light up a little, so I suck a little harder and it lights up even more! WHOA, DUDE! I start sucking as hard as I can. The other 2 guys look at me and at the same time, "ah, you might wanna.."
And then the pot starts on fire and I suck the fire right through the pipe; left a big burn mark down my tongue it did.
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http://farstrider.net/DeepThoughts/Handey.htm Posted: 04:07 AM
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wtf lol

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runnin' fool!

Back in 59',my big-shot banker dad,(dickhead to the core)hit a bridge,drunk, on a saturday and kept going to my gramma's house and sprawled out to take a nap.Soon, a cop knocked on the door and arrested my dad for hitting the bridge while drunk and taking off.He didn't realise my dad and the chief of police were old friends,so what happened was --all charges were dropped--it didn't even make the paper--and the cop got his ass chewed out BIG_TIME.Well--the cop ,I'm sure, felt humiliated and very pissed.Just how pissed,I soon found out!5 of us friends were sitting in another friends car waiting for him to get off work at midnight and the same cop came by and saw me in the car.He wheeled around ,squeeled his tires and slid to a stop next to us.The bastard jumped out,jerked the door open and told me to get the fuck out.I asked what the hell for and he said "I'll find something".Well,there was 1 can of unopened beer in the glove box--he found it and arrested me for possession.He tried to manhandle me,but being 6'3" and 200 lbs,that didn't work for him too well,but I finally agreed to get in the police car and was taken away to meet my fate.O.K--I spent a couple of weekends in jail and on a monday or tuesday right after I got out of jail(built in 1880!)I and a couple of buddies were driving back to town after buying some beer at a country store.I had a 50'Olds and had 2 6-packs stuffed under the dashboard,pretty well hidden.All of a sudden--red light right behind us!Oh --son of a bitch--my heart was pounding and I was in full panic mode!We stop--he heads directly for the passenger door where I'm sitting--opens the door --says"you boys got any beer?"No officer--we chorused like a bunch of 3rd graders.Meanwhile--I can hardly fuckin'breathe--he orders us out--I get out--look around franticly--I'm not going back to that shithole jail--and ran about ten steps,cleared a barb -wire fence--and hauled ass for anywhere but there!He hollers "Stop or I'll shoot"I was fucken' booken',really churnin'some shit up--and I remember thinking--'you better shoot now motherfucker,'cause in about 3 seconds,you're gonna'need a goddamn deer rifle to hit my ass!Well-he fired a shot,but it being dark,I don'tknow where it went.Now here's what really pisses me off--my friends told the highway patrolman that I was a hitchhiker----they didn't know me--and the fucker let them GO!WITH THE BEER!They Left in MY CAR,went to MY HOUSE and partied!I,of course was 8 miles in the country,trying to get home through wet farmlands of all kinds--pitch black--ran right into a 5 foot deep ditch--smacked into 2 electric fences(oh fuck -that hurts!)and was muddy from head to toe!I don't know why--but somthing tells me that if I"d stayed at the car --we would have gone to jail.-------------ain't life grand?-------------------------------------scratcho Posted: 06:32 PM
November 11, 2003

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Good one Scratcho!

Hey, your old man was a dickhead too!

My father would always make my brother and I "stick around" the house on saturdays to do some job. We'd ask what it was so we could get it done early to go do something with our friends. But he would make us wait until noon because he would have to think of something. And usually it was something foolish, like raking leaves during high winds. If I talked back to him, he'd say, "you wanna knot on your head boy?"
So often I wanted to say, "no, but a pretty blue ribbon would be nice!"
Anyway, one day he had us drag out the old family tent from the shed, open and set it up to give it a good cleaning.(not that we ever used it). It was very old and heavy, made of canvas. Not like the new nylon tents today.
We had a hard time getting it up due to wind. We even asked if we could wait till Sunday because of the wind.
Of course he said no.
Now my brother and I always knew when there was a comercial on TV, because that's when he would come out of the house with a baloney sandwich in one hand and a Budwieser in the other. He'd come out to supervise for about two minutes, then duck back in to see who John Wayne would kill next.
The wind was getting really bad and we couldn't keep the tent secure, we had to keep putting the tent pegs back in the ground.
On dad's third or forth inspection, sandwich and beer in hand, he came out and walked into the tent, with us standing outside. Just as he walked in, a big gust of wind picked the entire tent up off the ground about 6 feet blowing it into a ball across the yard. My bro and I looked at each other, knowing that we were laughing our asses off secretly inside.
We slowly ran to the tent to help him out. He was covered in baloney sandwich and Budwieser.
He just said, "pack the damn thing up", then went back in to check on John Wayne.

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got him

Oh yeah--------my dad was a dickhead.But I couldn't fool around with him --he trained my uncle ,his brother,as a heavyweight boxer in the 30s--they both were tough as hell.I witnessed a fight they had with 5 guys,one with a knife---and I saw 5 fools get severely whipped.But one time-when I was in the 8th grade I got a lick in,much to my own amusement,of course.On a Saturday,he was laid up taking a nap and my step sister and her mom were out somewhere.OOOOO--brilliant idea, Joel thought to himself!I went into the bathroom and got some lipstick and eye shit-shadow ,I guess it's called.I artfully painted a giant pair of lips on him,which included his lips and beyond.Then I smeared some eye shit on his lids---Oh believe me--I was careful--very careful.He'd obviously been drinking or I would have been in big trouble.Then-- brilliant idea #2.Shit I wasn't going to wait around to see what would happen soooo--I lined up a bunch of wooden matches above the sole of one of his shoes.Used to be known as a hotfoot.Ok-- I swear what happened next couldn't have worked out any better!I lit the matches on his shoe--they flamed up and were burning the shit out of the side of his shoe--I was peeking around the corner with my escape all planned and he was beginning to stir.Now this could be right out of a movie---exactly as he started to shake his foot and wake up,this dumb --ass salesman banged on the front door---he jumped up shaking his foot, headed for the door,jerked it open and hollered 'what the hell do you want?"Oh shit--this was too perfect--I wish I had a picture of that guys face as he rapidly backed across the lawn mumbling "I'm sorry--I'm sorry over and over.My dad slammed the door,headed for the bathroom and said whats wrong with that asshole?Well-he was about to find out and that's when I took my leave!I heard him yelling various obscenities--and my name---I guess he looked in the mirror -- and that's when I stayed with friends for a while.Quite a while.---------------------------------------------ain't life grand?----scratcho Posted: 10:10 PM
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http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icon14.gif Holy shit Scratcho,
When you were a kid, how the hell did you fit those giant balls in your pants?

Another one about dad.

One night he was out working in his work shed in the back yard. I was about 9. My mother and I were in the kitchen, when we heard a loud bang and a scream, we quickly turned to look out the sliding glass door, and saw, in the dark, my father running across the yard on fire, then rolling on the grass.
He had laid his cigarette on the counter, which then rolled off falling into an open gasoline can down by his feet.
Luckily for him he was a hairy guy and had on his heavy work clothes. No serious burns.


That same time period, I was 9, my brother 7, my mother had been hounding him for never doing anything with "the boys".
So one day, sick of hearing it from her, he loads the two of us into the car. We lived in Tucson AZ at the time.
We head out into the desert. About an hour later we are in Mexico. In some very small bourder town. He parks in front of some old building, tells us to sit tight. He goes and gets us some ice cream cones, then tells us to wait in the car till he gets back. He was gone for over an hour. It was hot in the car with the windows up, so we had finished the ice creams in about 3 min. so they wouldn't melt down our arms. Scary strange people stared at us sitting in the car.
On the way home dad seemed to be in a good mood.
It wasn't till I was much older that it dawned on me that he had gotten a hooker.
That was the best time I ever had with my dad. Well, that and the fire,... and the tent blowing down. It's so hard to pick just one.
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Well... I have a few... not all relating to me directly but to some of my friends...

I'll start off with one about my friend Jake. About 7 of us marching band people were down in my best friends basement, but Jake had about 9 grams of shrooms in him, and was totally gone. I mean GONE... the rest of us there were pretty mcuh stoned off our asses (except for me, I wanted to keep clean for something happenin the next day) and all the sudden Jake starts heading toward this broken stereo speaker sittin in the corner of the room. It didnt' have all the coverings... and was pretty much worthless, my friend had destroyed it a couple days ago... for some strange reason. But anyway, Jake quickly pulls down his pants, and starts stickin it into one of the holes in this broken speaker. And anyone still kinda together in this room starts fuckin freakin out... not really knowing what to do, fearing he might 'injure himself.' His girlfriend who's sitting about five feet away rolls over laughing... but then falls into the speaker he's fucking... knocks it over, and breaks the wall. Jake was lucky... he himself was not injured too bad... had a couple scrapes in delicate areas, but nothing that wouldn't go away soon. He had to pay to fix the wall... but his girlfriend got it worse I think, when she fell into the speaker and the wall she wound up breaking her arm and getting a nasty black eye...

That's all I have for now, but that's just another strange thing on the list of things drugged up folks have tried to have sex with...

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LOL That's a great one! http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icon14.gif

Quote Flowerchild17-
About 7 of us marching band people were down in my best friends basement, but ......
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That's like "American Pie" and "That 70's Show" rolled together!
Your friend is a true audiophile.

Love to here those other stories you have!
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Haha it really is American Pie and That 70's Show rolled together isn't it? I guess it kinda makes sense... I live in Wisconsin, and for our marching band at my high school American Pie is the official anthem... and we do always wind up down in someone's basement...

But let's see if this one's any good...


Alright this is about my best friend/ex boyfriend Matt. He's a little bit older than I... (I'm 13 and he's 18) But we were together for awhile, and we only had to break up because he was moving to the other end of the state. We're still trying to remain good friends, because I really miss not having him in my daily life anymore... But anyway, I was up visiting him at his new place up north, and they had just gotten a fresh 12" blanket of snow. So as a present from all of us marching band people we got money together and bought him this really kcik ass $250 snowboard. Since no one else could make it up to see him, I told everyone I'd give it to him and say it was from all of us. So I get up there and Matt and I are sittin around, and it's about 2 am, and well we're both fuckin stoned as stoned can be, and he decides he wants to take the new snowboard for a test run, in the dark, while it's snowing. Me being as stupid as him, I say alright and we head outside to this big ass hill. He straps himself in, and tells me to record his first run. (I had brought a camcorder outside, I knew this would be too good to miss) So he's goin down this hill, screaming, and since it was so dark and the snow was picking up I couldnt' see him anymore. I could hear him, so I'm tryin to find him... then alas I hear this huge THUD and him screaming "SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARAH HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" so I follow his voice and found him, finding his new snowboard cracked in half, along with his left leg too. He had crashed it into the BIGGEST tree on his property, with a diameter of about 12 FEET. But we managed to get him to his place and get to a hospital, and get his leg fixed and such. It was jsut hte greatest story ever... becuase Matt has always had this war with trees... he can't avoid them, he runs into them, and frankly I'm afraid to be in the same car with him for fear of crashing into one. Trees will probably be his demise someway or somehow, he'll more than likely go on some insane rampage trying to cut down all the trees so he'll stop hurting himself, but in the process get squashed...
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Yes.... I do try to be careful and such, but I think because of some things that happened to me when I was younger, I matured a lot faster than a lot of people do at this age, and I've always hung out with the 17+ highschool/college crowd, I have VERY few people my own age who I could call 'friends'. So I see and do what they see and do, and I find that the band people are seemingly stranger than most...

But here's one about ME finally...


For those of you who dont know, I played in a marching band garage band, called The Dream Police. Mainly taht group of people, and I led the band, named the band, wrote most of the songs for the band, and plays alto/tenor sax, drums guitar, and keyboard for the band at different times and such, so basically it was MY band. (not to mention I had came up with the idea that we should all form one) We had gotten pretty good, so we entered a Battle Of the Bands competition taking place close to us. We planned out what we were gonna play (a strange song of mine called Discopants and Snowshoes) and we made some tiny perfections to it and got ready to go. So the day finally comes, and we're up on stage in front of like 1,000 people. We start playing and we're doin really well, and we're gettin ready for our big finaly, and on I'm supposed to do a roll on the snare and and then hit the floor tom next to me, but when I go to hit the tom I miss, hit the rim, and my drumstick breaks in half. It was the first time time that had happened to me, in a show anyway, and I freak out and let out a loud, high pitched scream, BUT then the other half of the drumstick goes flying, hits my bass player in the head (Matt from the other snowboarding sotry) and hits him so hard it knocks him out cold. he falls over onto my drumset, knocks me off the stool, and I fall back and hit my head really hard. The other people in the band fall over laughing, and the half the crowd sits in complete silence, whil the other half seems to fall over laughing too. But Matt comes to, and I try at least to get it together and clean up the set and make sure Matt's bass is ok. But we do get it all together and nothing got damaged (except maybe Matt and my's brains) and of all things, we won too! And all we had to do for $500 was knock out a bass player, knock over a $1000 drumset, and make the drummer fall on her ass! Well worth it in the end, if you ask me...
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Saturday --the 22nd of Nov--

Wow---40 years ago today--I was leaving Coalinga,Cal to take my 63' Triumph Bonneville TT-120 to Fresno with a friend named Lee Mott,to get my Bike worked on--President Kennedy was shot and all of us alive at that point remember exactly where we were and all other circumstances of that day.The nation stopped and everyone was glued to the boob tube for quite a while.Then of course,the government bullshit started.Changed my life forever.Radicalized me.Made me drop out.Made me open to alternative ways of looking at the govt. and the world.And taught me that whatever the reps. of government say--the opposite is invariably true.Well--it was my choice to do what I've done--fuck it ---I still believe it would be a differant world now if the Kennedy brothers and Martin l. King could have made it.Lust for money,power and --also hate---did them in.The lust is still around --isn't it?------becomes a disease---sorry to put this in the couch fuckin'thread---just an impulse on this day--November 22nd---2003---------scratcho Posted: 03:45 PM
November 22, 2003

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Fun with teachers

I was going to say-the clerk was a lucky man---oh well.------Ok,when I was a freshman in high school,I was in the orchestra(or was it band?)and was playing the tuba.There was a stupid song called shaboom and when we came to a certain part,we would stop and everyone would holler SHABOOM as loud as possible--well of course,I was way too fuckin' cool to be hollering any shaboom,or anything else for that matter.(tuba? cool?shee-it)Any way,I never did say that shit and the teacher noticed and made it a point to tell me to holler it at this concert we were doing,and at the appropriate time ---so shit --ok.Now I don't know how this happened--but in concert the music was humming along and I figured what the hell--I'm gonna blast that shit at the top of my lungs.Here comes the right time and I bellowed SHABOOM as loud as I could--my voice even broke I yelled so LOUD!All well and good--the only problem was--I was the only dumbass that hollered!Of course the audience broke up--the teachers face contorted into a horrible scarlet mask and he just pointed to the back door of the stage---end of tuba career for scratcho! Posted: 04:55 PM
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Fun with teachers:part two

I was on the swimming team in high school, but really just to see the girls in their bathing suits--but I fuckin' hate being cold.I mean hate that shit!(I guess thats why my kids used to get a big kick out of dumping ice water over the top of the shower to hear me scream like a wounded animal.God dammit--I was wounded!)The weather was getting cold as hell--so I was tired of getting in that cold pool.I mean my nutsack would disappear for days!So I pulled one on the swimming teacher.I went up to him and asked if he could pull my arm down.(up against my chest with my fist close to my chin).I tightened up--he strained and after a bit my arm came down.I said to let me try to pull his down--he agreed.Well, he wasn't about to let some high school punk out muscle him--Besides I was 6'3" and strong--so he really tighened er' up.I grabbed his fist and started to pull down--he was pretty strong-but I got his fist to where it was almost straight out from his body---and jerked my hand off his fist--man--that poor fucker smacked himself right in the mouth--really hard!End of swimming career.Sat in the stands with the girls.----------------------------(this one ,I feel bad about-but not as a rowdy kid)-------scratcho freakwentflyer
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TEACHERS PEST


Scratcho- Tuba? LOL. Great teacher stories. Got a few myself, of course.
_____________

Very early 70's, 7th grade (the second time) I had a young very pretty but innocent english teacher, Judy McGill, whose husband was away in Viet Nam. I really liked her so I really didn't mean to hurt her the way I did.

She had given my class a writing assignment where we were to pair up, and write a short story. Then take the story and switch the nouns, verbs, adverbs and such around so that the story was a jumble. The next week we were to come in and read them. One of us would read the jumbled version, then the next the straight version.

My partner kevin and I, had found this short story about a girl going to the dentist for the first time to get a tooth pulled. It was written in a way that up until nearly the end it sounded like she was getting laid for the first time.
"he showed her his tool, it was much bigger than she expected" and "he pulled it out and left a bloody gaping hole" you know, that kind of crap. So, we made that our story.
After, Kevin read the first jumbled version which like all the others made no sense at all, I got up in front of the class and began reading this sick story.
Quickly, the class fell into disbelief. There was some laughter, but I looked into mostly stunned faces. I kept reading without looking over to my side to Ms. McGill, hoping she had a good sense of humor. She wasn't stopping me so I went on to the very end, which reveiled that it was about a dentist. It was dead silence, the class was staring at Ms. McGill. I looked over at her.
She was white as a ghost and look as if she was going to puke. She would not even look at me. Finally, she wispered, "out,...everyone, out." So we all left, including me, about ten minutes early. I knew I was dead.

The end of that day, my science teacher, Mr. MacInstosh, (a young meathead, former Alabama lineman, couldn't-make-the- pro's-turned-teacher) cornered me outside class.
She had turned to him to handle it.
With no one around, he wacked his knuckles on my head. Then started going on about how I really hurt that poor girl, and how I had no class, and then for some reason he had to say-
"son, I've been with more women then you ever will your whole life". Well, that statment stuck in my head because I was bent on proving him wrong.
My punishment was to memorize "The Raven" and something else I can't recall, then walk into one of his classes (not mine) and resite them perfectly, with dramatic flare, to his satisfaction. AND no one in the class was to know why I was walking in and doing it.
Well, I did it. Then next semester I enrolled in drama class. I began to do well in drama and then suddenly I started doing well in all my other classes. Funny how things work sometimes.

I still wonder what HE meant by "more women".

[freakwentflyer]

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http://www.hipforums.com/images/icons/icon10.gif You all have such funny stories!!! This one of mine popped into my head, altough it wasn't funny at the time, I can look back and laugh now.
My boyfriend and I were going to Indiana to see a show with our friend crazy Tony. The show was Oysterhead, and in honor of our adventure Tony had spray painted his car camo colors and in very big, very bright white letters wrote Oysterhead1 on both sides of the car. I was a little leary of the attention we might recieve on the drive there, but we arrived without incident. We arrived rather early, so we decide to explore the town a little and when we were done, we went to find the parking lot where we needed to be. More and more hippies arrive, and as the show nears we decide it would be a great night to eat some shrooms. This was Tonys first trip, and I was a little concerned (he being not so sane and all). His seat was not by ours and I couldn't keep an eye on him, but he insisted he'd be fine. He let my boyfriend and I take the keys so we could get into the car if we got there before him after the show. Well, the show was awesome, we were still trippin and trying to find the car. Finally we found it, Tony was no where to be seen. We go to get in and the loudest, shrillest alarm ever goes off!! He had an alarm on that piece of shit, spray painted car!! We had no idea how to turn it off and everyone is staring at us. We would get it turned off, and it would go off again. Both of us tripping and trying to figure something out wasnt exactly working, and by the time Tony got to the car, all the doors were wide open and the trunk was up, and here we were telling each other don't touch anything!!! I'm sure we looked like the crazy ones that night, but what a night it was!
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Morrisonfreak- lol

with a first time tripper, rule #1-
Stay together!


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feet-do your duty!

Big Island--Kona---'72---17 acres-----jungle---50$ a month--------scratcho wanders jungle-----finds meadow----has mushrooms----scratcho eat------scratcho trip------scratcho nap in meadow----scratcho wake up-----big nose against scratcho's nose-----scratcho not move----hope big nose dream----scratcho close eyes------lay still-----big nose wander off----huge balls on other end of big nose---scratcho jump up------haul ass-----big nose and huge balls snort and follow---FAST-----scratcho vault fence----big nose huge balls and HORNS 2 seconds late-----scratcho happy--------big nose ,big balls and HORNS not happy.-------------------------big fun for scratcho------------- Posted: 10:55 AM
November 29, 2003 freakwentflyer
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LOL Scratcho, what a load of BULL!


HI HO SILVER!
1977 age 19 my brother and a few friends and I were driving down a 4 lane divided highway (stoned of course). Bright sunny day. I was in the back seat, my brother John driving.
John said, "looks like an accident up ahead." No cars were coming down the other on-coming two lanes. In the distance we could see cars backed up. Our two lanes began to slow to a dead crawl.
Then we could make out a riderless saddled horse running toward us in the other lane. I yeld for John to stop and I jumped out of the car. Other people stopped to watch this horse running down the middle of the road with this poor girl chasing far behind.
I ran out into the horses path and put my arms up (like the horse would know that meant to stop).
It wasn't stopping so I thought maybe I could grab his riegns as he passes.
The horse just missed me, I reached out for the riegns, and my hand accidentally slid under the front of the saddle.
Nearly breaking my wrist, I was jerked off my feet and into the air- landing, that's right, in the goddamn saddle.
I pulled my hand out and grabbed the riegns pulling back as hard as I could and the horse stopped and reared up on his back legs, trying to buck me off. But I wasn't about to be bucked off on asphalt. I managed to hang on. Then, he suddlenly mellowed. I turned him around and road him to the very impressed running girl.
All the people in the cars were clapping. They had no idea my hand just got stuck. I was an accidental hero.

[freakwentflyer]

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Good one

Man ,I'm afraid of horses--they're so big and dumb.---I think i'll go back in time to when my friend was 10 and I was 11.We had a little movie theater here and it cost all of 12 cents to go--no Tv yet--at least not here--well,Richard and I had gotten kicked out for being on our knees examining one of the looser girls in High school--the usher shined her light on us and uttered--'oh my god--out!'Well,we decided to pay em' back for kicking us out.We got a bunch of balloons,took all the eggs from my house and Rich's house,and devised a plan.We filled all the balloons with water and put the balloons and eggs in a couple of big paper sacks,and headed to our destiny.The theater had double doors on each side of the building,with a light and a loud bell that went off if they were opened.Emergency exits.We chose the south door for our deed,because Rich's house was only a block away and we figured we could make a clean getaway after--well--after.We borrowed a pair of Rich's mom's nylons and looked like a couple of aliens with em' on.Well-we --in disguise,jerked the doors open ,stood side by side and started firing every which direction!I recognized some of the people we smacked,but people were hollering and running and cussing and a few were trying to get to us ,but could'nt--I was already a fast pitch softball pitcher at that age and I could wing those fuckers 60-70 miles per!We finished ALL our ammo(looking back ,I can't believe how long we stood there,causing huge panic)and hauled ass for Rich's house.We made it back with Rich glancing off the side of his house and knocking the dogshit out of himself---I helped him to our clubhouse--and when he got his senses back,we laughed for an hour about it.I guess we figured that would teach those bastards for cutting our gynecological careers short!--------------------------------theater 's gone----only dusty memories remain.----------------Erinhead
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I have a couple of embarrasing drunk stories...
I was living in St John's Newfoundland and I got invited on a pub crawl for some residence house at the University. 11 bars, 10 people all tied together, 4 hrs. So anyways, we finish the crawl, and by then I am completely sloshed. Its about 12am, and I decide to head home with my pizza.
So I get home, and lo and behold, my roomates are having a party! YAY! I was informed that I had to sit in the middle of the living room on the floor to eat my pizza, as otherwise it was very likely that I would spill toppings on the furniture. Good enough, I eat my pizza (shitty George ST pizza 1/2 cooked, yet sooooo tasty). So I get up and sit on the couch next to my buddy Jared, and promptly pass out. So They carry me up to my room...
Not to long later, in a stupor, I get up to go piss. walk downstairs, do my bizniz. But my pants are way to tight and I'm way to drunk to pull them up. SO I amble out into the living room with my pants down around my ankles...
My friend Drew says something along the line of
"Erin your pants are down"
So I just look at him, look around the room, hold up my middle finger. And call them every curse word in the book, make a lunge at Drew, trip on my pants (as they have me hobbled), land on Jared (again) and pass out on top of the poor guy.(again)
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My girlfriend was a PORN STAR.........

Well it didn't start out that way.
I was a 30 something titty bar manager in Alabama.
I had just moved away from L.A. after having my heart crushed. The son of a Monkee had just stole my girl. That's right, The Monkees, the 60's band. The one with the sideburns and wool cap, (and son of the inventor of liquid paper)- it was his rich spoiled ass son that snaked my girl.
Anyway that's another story.
So, though it was against the rules, I slept with some of the dancers and was good at keeping it a secret. Till this wild 19 yr old blonde showboat came to town from Boloxi, MS.
Her name was Maria, but danced by "Amber". Before long she was secretly living with me. She was by far the most humorous woman I had ever known and she was a fantastic dancer. As soon as she got to the club, she'd be the first out of the dressing room and worked her charm around the room and have about 3 hours of private dances pre-booked before half the girls dragged their asses out.
We couldn't keep our secret for long. We were always seen together out side the club.
So I took an offer at another club in Florida, where we could work together. I never wanted to take the relationship serious but she was getting under my skin. She hated the idea of me being with another woman, but I suspected that she had been cheating. And she was. Especially with rock stars that past through town, like Trent Resnor. She said they just talked all night.

So, I didn't take it too bad. It was a fun roller coaster ride and it was time to get off. She still didn't want me to be with anyone else, so an open relationship was out of the question. I booted her and she moved to New Orleans. She worked a club on Bourbon St. Then partied with the boys from Marilyn Manson till sunrise down at Goldies Bourdello.
Then one day she gives me a call crying and begging me to come live with her, "it'll all be different".

Like a fool, I quit my job and move into her nice highrise apartment right on St. Charles St. Doorman and all. Step outside and catch a trolly to the French Quarter just down the road. She worked three nights a week and raked in 2500 to 3000 cash. She just asked that I meet her after work to go to breakfast, so she wouldn't be tempted to go do drugs with the Manson boys and others. Never cared for those non-working stripper boyfriends, but hey, I paid some dues.

Within two weeks, I find her lying on the bathroom floor, barely breathing and blue. OD suicide attempt, after missing two days on crystal meth binge.

Back from the hospital, I felt like running but couldn't leave her like that.
I said we gotta get out of N.O. So she decides, she's gonna get an agent and become a traveling feature dancer.
And she calls around and finds one in L.A. He says she needs to move out there.
Ok I'm ready to go back. She hadn't worked in weeks and due to our lifestyle there was little money. So she suggests that we sell my car to buy new costumes she'll need, and she'll fly out to meet the agent and I'll drive her car out to L.A.
So I did it.....
(just so you know, this story isn't meant to be sad. It's all true, but meant to be a humorous tale.)

So, I get back to L.A. Maria, had been there for about a week and was getting magazine bookings already. Her agent was this weazel little comb-over guy that said it would be best if I didn't go with her on the magazine shoots. Doing a few mens magazines would help promote her "feature dancing". So, I get us an apartment and start looking for a job.
I told Maria, that I thought she should forget about dancing an consider taking acting lessons. I knew that she had talent and could have been a great comedic actress. Though we had only been there a few weeks, little did I know she had already been in about 10 movies.
Knowing that I was getting suspisious, Maria and her agent tell me that she will be doing movies. Soft porn movies, without actual sex. Like Red Shoe Diaries. And her new name was, Kay London. I believed that for about 30 seconds.
That night, I left her at home and went out with my old frieds for drinks. I had to think about this.
I was hurt I was angry but I knew I wanted to handle this the right way, so one day I wouldn't look back and kick myself.
The next morning, though she didn't know it, but I no longer had a girlfriend. In my mind, I had a porn star room mate. "Are you sure you're O.K. with this?", she said..."I mean it's always been a dream of mine....I didn't mean to lie to you."
"No, that's OK. You gotta be you....Kay. So, since I don't have a job, and I sold my car for you, how about I be your driver till you can pay me back and I get a job?"
She thought that was great since she hated driving in L.A.
So for the next several weeks I was "Driving Miss Dicksucker". Did that sound angry? Well, I was. But I was doing my best to let it go. So I could have a little peek into a strange new world then make my exit.
And it was strange....
(continue next post)

[freakwentflyer]

Continue-

So, for the next six weeks things got very interesting.
First, Maria, I mean Kay, discovered the Sunset Strip. She especially loved the Rainbow. Celebrities and drugs. And the celebrities and drugs loved seeing her come along. Paulie Shore, took a notice. Said she reminded him of his ex-girl friend, Savanna. A suicide victim porn star.
Only' Kay was fucking funny as hell. One night I was to pick her up at the Rainbow. She wasn't outside waiting as she said, so I went in. In the downstairs restuarant I found her coked up and drunk, sitting at a table and she had the group of people at the table in stitches. She was doing one of her routines.
When I got to the table I saw she was sitting with, Cortney Cox, Christian Slater and Jamie Farr (the guy that wore the dresses on MASH). Later she told me that they were all doing coke and that Jamie was "the source".
I said, "are you ready to go?"
"yes, but I don't think I can stand up". Knowing that she loves to be outrageous even if it's a negative way, I helped her with her exit. I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder and walked out, as she waved bye to her new friends. Christian mouthed the words, "call me".

Sometimes, I didn't drive her to "shoots". Drivers would come to the door some mornings. One day Ron Jeremy came by to pick her up.
But when I did drive her, I often met some of her co-stars, like Jamie Jamison, and others whose names escape me. And it was comical. Though I was there while she fucked several people in front of me and a room full of people, she began to fear that I might sleep with one of the girls, or even worse, become a porn actor. So, I teased her into thinking that I wanted in. She had a fit.
It wasn't long before she began going MIA again. Two or three days on speed binges, then home crying and thoughts of suicide. I was over it and ready to bail.
Then, Marney shows up from Florida. A dancer friend of Maria's that came out to stay with us for the soul purpose of finding and meeting Leonardo DeCaprio. So me and the two girls, out on the town, looking for Leo. And everyone we talked to that claimed to know him said, "if she isn't a famous model or a guy, he won't be interested". Soon her attention turned to me.
So, for a few days, while Maria was out working her ass off, I was at home secretly getting it on with her friend. Marney, liked watching one of Maria's movies while giving me head. Sick little girl.
As the time for me to leave came closer, I know I felt sad that I lost a very funny and lively girl this way. There was a time when I did love her but that was long gone.
I spent some time visiting my longtime LA friends. They all could not get over the situation I was in. They all actually liked Maria. I mean, the porn thing aside, you couldn't help but like her. She could make anybody laugh.
One night at a club we ran into my ex-girlfriend Wendy and her son of a monkee boyfriend. He was always afraid I was going to hit him so I liked moving suddenly around him.
Wendy, didn't like Maria. I didn't tell her that I was leaving Maria.
Meanwhile, Maria was living it up as if she were some "real" celebrity. One night we were standing in a non-moving line waiting to get in the Opium Den, when Adam Sandler walks up to the front of the line and goes straight in. So Maria says, go tell them "I'M" here. So I did. And they let us in.
Inside the club, I sat at the bar to get a drink as Maria and Marney made a scene as usual. The guy sitting next to me said, "are they with you?" I looked over, it was Albert Brookes. "Well, sort of, I mean I'm here with them, I've had sex with them, but I'm not WITH them, you're welcome to have a shot at them". He passed.
The next morning Maria was trashed and trying to sleep in.
I said, "Maria, wake up and sign this."
With her eyes closed, "Sign what?"
You gotta ticket on your car for not having a Califonia tag and I have to go get one today. Just sign this part of your title and I can go change it for you. Otherwise get up now and come with me!"
She signed her car title. Over to me.
Now I know what you're thinking. That was pretty low. But she was spending all her money on clothes and cocaine and I wanted my car back.
A few days later, Maria went on a shoot. I packed the car with just my clothes and drove to Florida. Marney wanted a ride so she came along. I dropped her off at her "boyfriends" and never called or saw her again.
A few days later Maria figured out were I was. She threatened to have me arrested. I called her Dad in Mississppi and explained why I took her car. He said, keep it.
After a few weeks, I get another call from, this time Maria's agent. Seems she is to go on the Jerry Springer Show and they want me to go on with her. I said NO. Then I get a call from a Springer producer who tried to convince me that it would be great for me to come on the show to try to stop Maria from working in porn. I laughed and hung up.

Now many years later. I'm living in Florida happily married with a beautiful wife and 2 year old daughter.
Maria, still in California is married, with a son. And no longer in porn. She's kicked the drug problem and seems to be doing just fine. We're friends now, though we rarely talk, I can't help but think about some the laughs we had together. This short story only scratches the surface of the story. One day I may write a book about her and my titty bar days.

Wendy, left the monkee boy years ago and is now married.

Someone said they saw Marney resently in a porn.

[freakwentflyer]

mr_moon
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Status: Member
From: chester, nova scotia, canada
Age: 14
Gender: Male
Posts: 350
Hahahaha, freakwent and scratcho all your stories are hilarious.

Im sure this story holds no candle to any of your's but here it goes. well this one happened quite lately. i was quite drunk and stoned and i stumbled into my friends house and sat down with him and began to play some nba game. im quite fixated on the game so i didnt notice my friends cat slowly creeping up on me. now one thing you should know about my friends cat is that it has a wierd infection in its eyes which makes them wel... gooey. its also mean as hell. it claws at the bakc of my head and i turn back and see this gooey eyed fiend looking at me. i yelp and punch the cat right across the face. quite hard i realize as in walks away... stumbling. the cat later got revenge. i was sleeping on the floor of my friends room and i wake up and i swear to god to the day i die this is the most horrifying thing i will ever experience, short of death. waking up with a hangover to this cat perched on my chest goo eyes and, all hissing madly as it tears my face to shreds.

i will never ever evvvvver sleep with that door open again.
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lol mr_moon.......

...that was a good one. Sorry, but I was cheering for the cat.scratcho
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Posts: 281
Damn!

Sounds wild!Here's a little change of pace--not one of my dumb -ass tricks,but a Love story.--------------------------------5o years ago(son of a bitch--where did the time go?)I was in the 8th grade--14--6' 2",2oo lbs and raring to go.Well, I was a distraction,so my desk was in the back of the room-by itself --and I could see out the back door of the classroom into the hall.There was a couple-man & wife who did all the maintenance at school--lawns,painting,cleaning the rooms,starting the boiler in the winter-etc.They had a beautiful,blond ,very shapely daughter that had gotten out of high school the year before and she would come to the school and help do whatever needed to be done.Man,I had a crush on that girl--she was a flirt too--used to flash me a big smile when she would go by--and that walk--oh my!I would see her around town over the years,but hell-I was 5 years younger than her-and I had 15 or 20 guys I ran with and plenty of girls to hang with--so life rolled on,as it always does.------------------Cut to '67-working at a plastic molding factory in San Jose--met a very nice and pretty red head named Sally--went together for 2 or 3 years--she ended up on TV on a show called Fridays,by way of Stanford, and the Ashland Shakespeare Festival-and she came to Hawaii to stay with me for a while.Got drunk one night and had her name tattooed on my arm.(never claimed to be a genius) she eventually left and we parted ways amicably.Cut to '88------------came back to my little hometown,renewed old friendships--etc--started a business--bought a house and pretty much settled in being a single parent,raising my little knuckleheads.Sooooo-one day I go by this house on the edge of town and--no--it can't be--can it?Damn-damn-damn--it's the blond girl from the distant past!And oh my--she still has a teenagers shape and is still VERY pretty!Why she's 64 years old and looks fantastic.Well--I pulled in the driveway and visited with her and her mom for quite a while and ended up working on their roof.Well--to end this up--we've been together for 6 years now-she still lives at her place with her mom(92 years old!)and I live at mine,but we have dinner every Sunday night at her place and visit thru the week.Now--the second time I had dinner at her place--it hit me like a brick--holy shit--that tattoo I got in '69 --that girls name was Sally(Brandice on TV)and here I was--sitting next to the woman that has treated me better than any woman ever has--her name is Sally!Fate baby!-------ain't life grand?-------------------------------------scratcho Posted: 06:45 PM
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Thank-you Scratcho!!!!

I love that story.
By the way. I remember the show Fridays, watched it all the time. Very funny. But it's never played in re-runs anywhere.
Sounds like you have your life in a good place now.

[freakwentflyer]

freakwentflyer
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SEX ,DRUGS, FIRE, CRIME, AND VIOLENT DEATH

Yes, now I'm a mild mannered family man with a furniture store. But not many years ago, I ran Sammy's, the top chain of topless clubs from Destin, FL to Mobile, AL. We were to call them Gentlemans clubs to distinguish them from the low class clubs, but hey, if you polish a turd or paint it gold, it's still a turd.
I was damn good at my job if I do say so myself, but this story really isn't about me. It's about a couple that owned and operated a new competing topless club in Pensacola, FL., Club Marti Gras.
The owners were a mid 30's guy, named Steve (I'm changing names because frankly, I don't remember them) a lawyer and former FBI agent, and his wife, Stephanie, a speed queen stripper in her late 20's. He came from a well off family prominate in the community. She, the opposite.
At her suggestion, they bought a small insignificant topless club and before long, they had one hell of a party going on over there.
Soon, I took notice. As I had a reputation to uphold, I didn't like loosing pretty girls to some small club. Usually that happens because a club starts to run too loose with the rules, (drugs and leaving with customers). So one night I left the club and went to pay them a visit.
When I got to the door, I was recognized immediately and asked to wait. Stephanie, came to the door and invited me in. I didn't remember her but she said she had worked for me some time ago. She gave me the royal treatment and brought me to her table and "bought" me a drink. Sitting at the table were a few of my former girls, and they giggled and flirted a bit, hoping that I wasn't too mad about them jumping ship. Stephanie and the girls, and just about everyone in the place, was either cranked, rolling or packed full of sugar booger. I watched as Stephanie, allowed several underaged girls openly drink. Something you just can't do in a topless club in this neck of the woods unless you're paying someone to look the other way. And her husband/partner/lawyer/exFBI angent must have thought he had the angle.
I sat and drank and had some laughs with her and the girls, and she seemed flattered that I stopped in to see her like that, and didn't take it bad that she stole some of my prime stock. She bought me more and more drinks and had some of the girls do comp table dances for me. It came out in drunken conversation with some of the girls, that there were alot of private drug and sex parties in the club after hours. I was asked if I wanted to "stay after".
Before I left, she gave me a hug and asked me to come by anytime. I said thanks and walked toward the door, timing it just right as to walk into one of my former girls that I knew had one of the biggest mouths. I leaned into her and said, "hey sweatheart. You be careful in here. You know I'll always be happy to take you back. That is if you come back BEFORE this place gets busted. You know after that, I won't be able to take you back. Owners rule."

Within a few weeks, I did have most of my losses recovered, but the wild stories of Club Marti Gras continued.
Steve and Stephanie partied themselves into a hole. Too much booze given away, and too much money spent on drugs. He was no longer working do to the party train. Coke, crack, whatever, they had it bad.
Then one night, about 4am. Club Marti Gras, burnt to the ground. Witnesses saw a couple running from the smoke carrying gas cans. Steve and Stephanie matched the description to the T. Warrants were issued and instead of collecting that fat fire insurance check Steve and Stephanie were hidding out somewhere in town and jonesing for some crack.

TO BE CONTINUED..........

[freakwentflyer]

freakwentflyer
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SEX ,DRUGS, FIRE, CRIME, AND VIOLENT DEATH continued

Pensacola is a smaller city, best known for the navy's Blue Angels, abortion clinic shootings, and a strip of sugar white beach on the Gulf of Mexico known as the "redneck riviera". So, immediately Steve and Stephanie was the hot news story of the day, in spite of Steve's family connections.
Where were they? Most of us assumed they were on there way to Mexico, or South America. Days went by.
Hiding out at a friends house here in town had to drive them crazy. Could they trust their friends? Their need to escape and a growing need for "speed" forced this odd ball Bonnie and Clyde to bust a move. In her convertable mustang, sunglasses on, and a hand gun at their side they ventured out in broad daylight to find some cash.
A report came in to police that a couple matching Steve and Stephanie's description had just robbed a man outside a restaurant at gun point on the north end of town, by innerstate 10.
Steve, being an ex FBI agent, knew the cops would assume they took the I-10 out of town. Instead, they cleverly drove all the way to the southeast end of town to score some crack.
As they sat parked in an empty lot, the long awaited smoke nestled in their lungs. Suddenly they were filled with optimism and thoughts of escaping to South America, preferably Columbia.
(conjecture)
"Steve, baby, everythings gonna be alright. We just gotta keep our heads." As she takes another hit on the crack pipe.
Steve has a revelation. "They'll expect us to wait for dark to head out of town and they'll be consentrating on east and west routes. We'll just slip out in the crowd during afternoon rush hour north up Davis Blvd to hwy 29 and on up into Alabama."
She gives him a kiss. "Yes! And we can be in Mexico by tomarrow night. We just gotta act normal and fit in."
Steve adds, "and not do anything stupid!"
"Fuckin' A" she laughs, as she pushes the button to put down the car top. "Let's get the fuck out of town, I'm ready for a margarita!"

I, myself, that afternoon had just crawled out of bed and headed for Waffle House for breakfast, on Davis. Big mistake. I knew there would be the usual rush hour traffic, but this was insane. As I pulled onto Davis, nothing was mmoving. A few blocks up ahead, at the Whataburger, I could see the police and ambulance lights. And more and more police cars coming around from everywhere. All I thought of it was, "someone fucked up and is keeping me from my pecan waffle, eggs, grits and coffee. Hope nobody good got hurt."

Later, when I arrived at work, the club was buzzing. Especially the girls that had worked at Club Marti Gras, could not contain themselves with the news. The story was....

Steve and Stephanie underestimated their notoriety. Sitting in the Davis Hwy traffic at a dead crawl, with the top down, even with their designer sunglasses, people in cars all around them began reaching for their cell phones.
Steve spotted the first police car coming up around the traffic behind him. He he wasn't sure the cop was after him but he knew that if he didn't pull out of the traffic to the side of the road, he would be pinned in.
The chase was on. As soon as the blue lights began to flash, Stephanie jumped around on her seat and began to open fire at the cops.
In spite of the crowd and traffic, the cops persued and fired back.
"FUCK!" Steve screamed. "MY FUCKING EAR!"
Stephanie looked over to see Steve's ear missing and blood everywhere. Still he was driving wide open looking for a break.
As Stephanie turned back to fire again at the cops, she took a bullet in the neck.
She dropped down in the seat, and felt the stream of blood pouring from her neck. She knew she would be dead soon. She looked over at Steve, put the gun to his head and blew his brains out, just before she blacked out, and died.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[TheLittleOne]

In fourth grade, i was in class. Everyone was quietly working...i bent over in my chair to pick up my pencil case...and i sneezed...which pushed out a huge fart. Yea, that wasn't too fun. Even the teacher laughed at me. I was traumatized. Since then, i always make sure i'm good before i sneeze in public, lol.

[freakwentflyer]

Yes, loud farts in class, are embarrassing and funny.

In 7th grade, that happened to me. Luckily, Joe Weaver, was sound asleep at his desk behind me. He woke from all the laughter. I said, "Joe man, you farted."
He said, "I did?"
Everyone laughed even louder. Everyone including Joe thought he did it.

[freakwentflyer]

OK. Now I'm upset. I was going to wait a few days to finish transferring what was left on the old site, to this thread. But, now I can't access the old thread anymore!

If anyone knows how I can do it, please let me know.
Hopefully, Skip will have the old stuff stored and available later. If anyone knows, let me in on it.

[alkaline]

A couple of years ago ... I was probably about 10 at the time, and my mom was driving me to the mall for some reason which I don't exactly remember. Anyway, I was digging through the glove compartment and I found what appeared to be chapstick and I asked my mom "Is this chapstick?" She told me it was, and without looking I put it on. Well, when we arrived at the mall I looked at myself in the car mirror before getting out 'cause I must have been metrosexual back then or something and to my surprise I found myself to be sporting a very red and womanly pair of lips. Even better, the lipstick was rather permenant and I had to walk around the mall with it on for hours on end. I was rather angry with my mom! :P

[scratcho]

bradofcentrelpa said he archived them(the old ones) on his hard drive.Page 2 of "sex with couch".--True confessions--Good luck--enjoying them immensely!--brad said he would share----------oh boy-----scratcho--------------

[freakwentflyer]

Thanks Scratcho,
I'll check it out.

[jackovgoesjacko]

Maybe im wrong, but i am hoping lots of people observe this post! Ok, I have a drug screening, a urine screen next Wed. I am pretty up-to-speed on the dilution methods that I should use and how to dispose of the drug metabolites in my system. My question is this: ARE DRUG SCREENS LESS SOPHISTICATED TESTING METHODS FOR DETECTING DRUGS THAN DRUG TESTS?????????????????????

THANKS ALL

JACKOVGOESJACK0 (south park baby!)

[freakwentflyer]

[QUOTE=jackovgoesjacko]Maybe im wrong, but i am hoping lots of people observe this post! Ok, I have a drug screening, ..

Yes, you're wrong. Please, come back to this thread when you can honestly tell us how you accidentally drank your urine sample. Don't hijack the thread. Surely, you have some interesting story to tell.

If anyone wants to answer him, please PM him.

[SapphireSerenity]

Hah, that's funny... Kind of explicit.. lol

~ Sapphire

[jackovgoesjacko]

dont be such a prickass, u sarcastic dickwad

[scratcho]

Have some respect,you fucking kack-----------------------------------------------------------------scratcho------------

[BlackVelvet]

LOL thank you for making my night! That was hilarious http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/wink.gif

[brownie]

i remember your stories. i love you dude.

[show_girl]

priceless ....keep up the stories

[Flutterby]

i have never sat in front of my computer while on hipforums and laughed out loud, he good kind from the belly! thanks man!

[loveflower]

you guys are great :D

[freakwentflyer]

Thanks, but where's your stories?

I'm sure you have one or two.
We are still missing many old stories from the old site. I was adding them gradually then interest in the thread died out.
I would gladly add more old stories if others do the same.
Freakwentflyer

[Meeshka Chaukinov]

ok, anyone in the states who's been in fifth grade on safety patrol in the past 20 or so years has most likely been on the satfly patrol trip. well, me and some friends, being the BADASS!!!!!!! fifth graders we were, decided to spend the entire time were were in the room in the hotel screaming random obscenities.
we went on like this for about 2 hours straight, until my friend josh said one thing really loud...FUCK! for some reason, me and my other fifth grade friend just stared at him with this horrified face, wondering what in the HELL!!!!! possessed him to say such a horrible word.

the next night, we all walked down to the gift shop in the hotel, buying two cans of silly string each. well, we unleashed the silly string. all over each other. all six cans of silly string, all over each other...and the wall. well, the next morning was the morning we had to leave. so...My teacher/chaperone person made us spend and hour the morning cleaning up silly string.

Did I mention that i got lost at the smithsonian and had to walk around with a security guard until the buses came back to take us to the next place we were going?

[freakwentflyer]

lol. "FIFTH GRADERS GONE WILD!" Now on DVD.

[Small_Brown]

Did you manage to find my shrinkage or pole dance stories? I looked through the 7 pages but couldnt find it. I would gladly rewrite them :)

Oh man I remember the "My girlfriend was a Pornstar" story from the old forum....I laughed so hard when I read it lol

[freakwentflyer]

Yes, I remember your strories. I'm affraid you'll have to rewrite them.
Someone was cool enough to save and E-mail me all the old stories, but I was never able to open them. ( I'm very uneducated in computers- always had others to do everything for me in the past)

I will rewrite more of the old ones including "My Girlfriend Was a PornStar" as long as there is still interest in this site. I hope others like you and Scratcho, do too.

(Speaking of the Pornstar, Kay London. It was just brought to my attention Gamelink.com has all her films listed by doing a search in her name.)

[crummyrummy]

when I was in 7th grade I intentionally had sex with a couch. wrapped him in syran wrap and went at it between the cushions. wasnt what i wanted, never did it again.

[Small_Brown]

Freakwentflyer, I'm very computer literate. If you email em to me, I'll put em up here for you. Gimme a PM if you want to.

and wheres Scratcho these days? Is that still his sign in name?

[freakwentflyer]

I've been gone for a long time due to huricane Ivan. I hope to get some time to write some more stories, and especially hope to read some of other peoples misadventures.
Anyone hear from Sctracho lately?

[Rar1013]

i remember ur story.........and it's agreat one!

[Spastic_Monkey]

A couple of weekends ago I was at a concert and one of my chick friends was really wasted. We whent outside to smoke a joint in this dudes car, so theres about five people i nthe car, and about three standing outside of it, well, this chick proceeds to show her nipple piercing to EVERYONE, sorry, that's all I've got, it was much funnier at the time, because we were all stoned :)


I only got one hit off that joint though, and it was my weed :(

[scratcho]

Hi Freakwent and all--just passing thru on my son"s computer.Hope to get mine set up soon.Moved to Springfield ,Ore and now find I must make a huge investment in long johns!No funny stories just now,but I have found out I'm a shit magnet!Every place I go lately I seem to end up with a wad a ' dog shit adorning my fine brogans.The thrill is gone.---see ya.scratcho---

[freakwentflyer]

Hey Scratcho,
Good to hear from you. I myself have been out of touch due to hurricane Ivan. Been so busy getting my house and business back in order, I feel I've lost all my memories of the past, and sense of humor too, for a while. All work and no play.
So many stories I wish to tell but it's been so long I have to go through the thread and read what I already wrote to keep from telling the same story.

But, I will get back on it soon. I was hoping to see more stories from others on here, but there are a lot of good ones on other threads.

[freakwentflyer]

Once, back in the late 80's, I was dating this swedish girl, Nina. She was 19 but already had a serious drinking problem even for a swede.
Once we stayed at a hotel in Malibu, Ca for a night. While we were having sex she started her period. This girl was a bleeder. At the time she was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever had the pleasure of so the blood did not bother me ( the vodka helped too I guess). The next morning the sheets top and bottom were nearly completely covered in blood.
One of us made the comment that it looked like a murder scene.
We checked out and left.
The next day at home (then in North Hollywood) there's a knock on my door. It was the cops.
Nina was there with me and we explained everything. They said they just had to check it out because of all the blood and the way it was everywhere.

[~*HuggaTree*~]

ha ha thats excellent.

[NatureFreak412]

I have been sitting here for the past hour reading these stories, they are great. I remember them on the old forums, and had read some. I cant wait till you get them all on here, if you can.

[psyche]

i can't think of any interesting things that have happened to me at the moment, though there are quite a few. i'll rethink and post it another day. but i have a very awesome story that my dad told me (he has TONS) since he was a full blown hippy acid rocker in the '60s. his band would go on tours and do all sorts of crazy shit.

anyhow, this story happened shortly after his brother died. they got him cremated, and went camping by a river that he used to love to fish in. they thought it would be nice to set him free there, so they dumped his ashes in the river and pour a beer over it. suddenly my dad realizes "SHIT, he was afraid of water and couldn't swim!" no matter, after some beers and a couple joints they forget about their faux pas. so, my dad's friend who was also his brother's ex partner in crime (they were bank robbers together for years) was REALLY REALLY fucking upset. he was sitting there in a depressed VERY drunken stupor, and suddenly falls in the fire. he screams, jumps up completely aflame and runs to the river throwing himself in to extinguish the flames. he returns stripping off his clothes except his undies and stumbling all over the place, then takes his seat by the fire. he then proceeds to fall in AGAIN, and this time takes off into the woods, shedding his underwear. it's quite clear he had enough. so the night goes on, and they start to worry, wondering where the guy is. he returns much much later, COMPLETELY naked with two little old ladies following him. turns out he found them at a camp site near by on vacation in their trailer. they were both in their early 70s at least. so they sit down by the fire and the guy is making them all comfortable, getting them a beer and whatnot still completely naked. my dad turns to him and says "for gods sake man puts some pants on" and his friend suddenly seems to realize he's naked, apologized profusely and then slips back on his wet charred pants. good times!

[Keramptha]

^^^
thats soofunny.

we went to the beach and got drunk with a load of people. someone dropped their phone in the dark and went forward to pick it up but fell 6 foot into a mudmarsh. she was upright at this point and very stuck. Her boyfriend..who is pretty dim, stood there shouting at her, as if it would help, while she stood there crying. He was having such a fit he threw his phone in there. [?!..he's dim]
So she was trying to calm HIM down by looking for the phone he just threw in there..which got her stuck in a dog position.
By this point I'd arrived and heard and laughed at the story so far, told by various people walking around. Will. who threw his phone..was realllly stressed. it was flippin funny watching him panic and scream at noone in paticular.
I tried to cheer him up by making him laugh and decided jumping in with the girl might lighten things up. i thought it was sidesplitting, getting this wasted girl through a load of stinking mud...looking for several new phones..up, and out ...leaving our shoes behind and sitting there covered in the stuff..head to toe.
Will was a bit happier by now, becuase i wasn't embarassed. till we got in his car like that...ruined the interior so he had to dump it..drunkenly flew mud all over his house, carpet, and broke the shower door as we both tried to get in it..
it was funny hearing him scream into the neighboorhood a decibelic FUUUCKKKK!!!
he was supposed to be house sitting or some shit?!

[freakwentflyer]

Cool, some good stories again. I keep meaning to sit down and rewrite some of the stories that were lost on the old hipforum but that damn hurricane Ivan really messed me up. Some more stories from others just might get the juices flowing again.

Here's a recent quicky. My next door neighbor recently bought a trampolin for his son. So I took my 4 yr old daughter over to play on it. Keep in mind I'll be 48 this year. After the kids jump around on it a while, they got tired and went inside to watch a movie. So naturally, Larry and I got high and I got on the trampolin. As I'm jumping on it my wife and the kids come out to watch. None of them knew me when I was young. They'd only seen pictures of me doing stunts in movies and such, so I thought I'd show them a thing or two.
Well the first back flip was perfect. My wife was very impressed. So I jumped higher and higher and did another back flip, again perfect but higher. So, one more, I thought.
I don't know for sure what happened. All I remember was my face hitting my chest. Obviously I landed upside down. Curses.., that ego did it again.
For about 20 minutes we thought I had broken my neck. The idea of me in a wheelchair while my wife is about to have twins scared the hell out of me. Fortunantely, I just have a bad whiplash, and the sad realization that I am no longer a young man.
I long passed that stage in life, becoming not long ago, an- old young man. And now I geuss I would fall in the catagory- young old man. The beginning stages of old man.
Time to keep my feet on the ground.

[hnugginbuggin]

LOL! that one about the stunt got me giggling so hard....http://www.hipgallery.com/photopost2/data/500/12871mygudside.jpg

[hnugginbuggin]

(hitting yer friend with your car..lol)

[peacelovebarefeet]

back in 4th or 5th grade, i went though a tomboy stage... mannn... i was at the guy i liked at the time's (derek) and we were playing flag football.... derek through me the back, and i was running forward, looking at the sky for the football, when- BAM!!- i run smack into his mailbox, completely abliterating it and cutting my knee open in the process... turns out the mailbox was from forever ago, and made from his grandma's like old pocessions or something, so i felt SO bad. and plus, i LIKED derek at the time!! man.. we still laugh about that one.

another: around the same time, derek and i were at this kids fair thing and i was playing dizzy bat (you know, the game where you spin around a bat and get super dizzy and then the leader tells you to touch something and its just funny watching you stumble), and derek was watching. well i spin around the bat for a long time, and the leader tells me to touch derek's nose... well... i stumble up there and i throw my hand forward... turns out i was a LOT closer than i thought i was and i end up BREAKING derek's nose!

man... im such a klutz

[Quest_techie]

alright, Here I go, (I'm not a good story teller so please bear with me)

A few years ago me and my freinds had a few fire-crackers and some model rocket engines, and well being early teenagers (13 or 14) we were all thinking the obvious, create as much destruction as possible, so we took a great many of the fire crackers and attached them to the model, rocket engine putting one inside for good measure, then since I had watched a good any movies I felt we should run all of the fuses together so that they would ignite from the rocket (we also tied the one insides fuse in for good measure) so after we have spent a great deal of time debating whether this will work or not we realize... no matches, but good geek that I am I have a lens with me (I always do to this day) and tell the it should work, The thing was who was going to light it, no f-in way they were going to, neither of them wanted their hands anywhere near that thing when it went off, so since I had played with lenses before I finally gave in and said I'd do it (piss poor descision) well it worked, the whole damn thing, unfortunatly it broke one of my buddies (we were doing it at his house) neighbors windows, all the firecrackers went off at varying times (one immediatly after ignition, I wanted to makesure the whole thing was lit so I got burnt from that one) most in the neighbors house, I'm not in good health but I certainly ran like hell (at least I didn't burn anything down)

[_see_]

After a few minutes of humping, she says, I passed out. The next day, I found out as she explained laughing to my friends that I had missed the hole. You see she was sitting right above where the cushions come together on the couch. That explained the friction burns.
Funny thing is I now have a furniture store. I love my work.
hehe i wish i could love my work as much!

[freakwentflyer]

Blackie- that took a while to find but worth it.

Cool stories.

Another Joel story-
Joel and I were young wannabe actors in LA. And roommates. One day Joel finds a recording on his answering machine- "Joel, this is Karen Wiess with (I forget the name) Productions, and we're casting for a film, that we think you may be right for one of the lead parts. Nice picture by the way, anyway. We're interviewing tomarrow in Santa Monica,- don't bother calling, if your interested just be here (address given) between 1 and 4 tomarrow, the film is called "One on Me", so just ask for me and I look forward to seeing you."
So Joel's all pumped up and excited about it. The next day, his car won't start. Santa Monica was about 45 min. away in traffic, so the bus would have taken forever. He walked down the street to rent a car, and takes off.
When he gets there, he finds the address with the name of the production comany name and goes inside. In the lobby, he finds about 30 good looking muscular guys sitting around waiting to be seen. He thinks, "shit, I bet all these guys were called in for the same part."
He asks for Karen, and is directed to her desk. "she say's are you here for the audition?"
"One On Me" he says.
She says, "what?"
"I'm here for the film 'One on me', I'm Joel Hile. Are you Karen Wiess?"
"yes, I'm Karen but this is an open call for Playgirl Magazine"
"So there's no movie called 'One One Me'?"
She laughed, "No, I guess this was "One on you"!"

I had set Joel up- except for the car not starting. I saw an ad in the paper for the audition and I had a girlfriend leave the message on Joel's machine.

Joel, ended up trying out anyway, they said he looks great but to go work out for 6 to 12 months and come back and see them. He never went back.

I had to pay for the car rental.

[scratcho]

Damnit freakwent-I'm trying to remember some more stupid things i've done,but unfortunately ---i'mmmmmtwoospoootid@

[Stag4]

Bump

[FrozenMoonbeam]

so when i was about 11 - you know, the age when you really, really care what people think - anyway I went to the public pool with my sister. it came time to go, so I got out and got dressed. My sister still hadn't got out of the pool so i went to hurry her up, and instead of getting out she flicked water in my eyes...anyway, i was standing quite close to the edge at this stage and I ended up falling in the deep end of the pool, fully clothed, with like glasses, shoes, socks etc...on. I had to get out, sopping wet and squelch all the way home. What made it worse is that the 'cool' girls were having a birthday party at the pool, so everyone still rememers it.

another time i was about 14, and in a restaurant. I was really hot, so i pushed the window open a crack...and i smashed by accident with my fist. I was like, oh dear god, and then this crowd of really hot guys came running in to sit with their friend who'd been holding the table. They were all 'omg, did someone drop our dinner? what was that crash?" and the guy who'd been sitting there says super loud "no, THAT girl *points at me* broke the window"

finally, i was on the bus last night, coming home. A guy down the front turned around and gave a huge jerk when he saw me, then kept turning round and smiling. I thought this was pretty wierd, but he kept grinning at me, then we both got off at the same stop - turns out he's one of our new neighbours....i thought that might explain the grinning...but then i realised that i have a wee window at the back of my room that faces onto their house...it used to have trees growing round it, but dad cut em....i have of late forgot to close the curtain, because i'm still used to having trees there, so yup, i've gotten changed in my room, butt fricken naked, and the neighbours would have been able to see...no wonder he was grinning like anything

[Texplayboy]

I have just finished page 3 and my face and sides hurt.. I cried when I read about the monkey loose in the car..

I am going to continue reading..

thanks for everyone sharing.. I can not compete... :-)

James

[Brand New Soul]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dude thats the best story I have ever heard in my freakin life!!!!!!

[scratcho]

thank ya---thank ya vera much.

[Texplayboy]

ok, I know my stories will not messure up, but I feel I have enjoyed too much not to make a contribution. The stories did spark my memory and I enjoyed laughing at things that I had forgotten about. This was funny when it happen, let's see if it is funny here.

I was 15, my brother was 18, it was New Years Eve, 1975. For anyone who lived that age will remember that the Bicentinal Year was a huge event. The government had minted new quarters, and everything was about the New Year and our country having it's 200th birthday. Keeping this in mind, my brother and I spent the last day of 1975 at Disney World in Florida, and listened to Michael Murphy sing "Wildfire" at 11 PM as we ran for the exit to hitch a ride home, hoping to make it in time for him to kiss his girlfriend "happynewyear" at midnight. Well the trip to the other side of Orange County took longer than the 1 hour alloted, but we did find a nice couple of cool dudes to give us a lift to the exit that was about 3 miles from our house.

We realized we were not going to make it on time for that kiss, so we decided to stop at McDonalds for a Big Mac. I happen to be in line just as the clock ticked over into the New Year, 1976. I made the comment that I have bought the FIRST BIG MAC in the Bicentinal Year. This promted many other "firsts" for us both as we started our 3 mile trek home.

There was a huge field that had a creek that ran through it that seperated us from our subdivision. We could walk around the field or cut through and save a mile of walking. Of course the mile saved came at a price. The creek was the worst smelling water you had ever exposed your nostrals too, and the only way across the creek was a plank that was 4 inches wide and 10 feet long. Not hard for a couple of sober guys on a bright moonlight night.

The field was being prepared for the next phase of new homes being build in the area, and huge concret sewer pipe was lined up waiting to be installed. These where so large you could walk into them, I mean HUGE. We walked through this field to go anywhere and were always talking about when they would finally install the pipe and we would not have to walk the plank across the creek.

As we came to the creek, we notice it was very different. The construction company had finished laying the pipe. My brother decided he was going to be the FIRST to run across the sandy soil that covered the newly laid sewer pipe that replaced the smelly creek. We raced to be the first to put our foot prints in the sand. We notice that a dog might have been the "first" because we saw paw prints everywhere.

My brother, being 3 years older than I, was the faster runner. He was ahead of me by a good 20 feet, and when he reached the embankment that rose about 3 feet above the fresh laid sand, he jumped. We both expected him to run across the 20 or so feet of fresh sand to the other side, and do his victory dance of being the first HUMAN to make the trip in the new Bicentinal Year - 1976. What we did not expect was for him to disappear.

Yep, the sand was really foam, the doggie foot prints was the foamy texture of suds. He had jumped into that nasty smelly water, and just in time to keep me from jumping in behind him.

I still do not know which was funnier. Knowing that he was over his head in the nastiest smelling "shit water" or the look of total shock and surprise on his face.

Let me try to paint this picture. He is not able to touch bottom, the water was over his head. He can not climb back up the embankment, it is about 3 feet tall and no hand holds. His brother (me) is on the ground ROLLING and Laughing my ass off. I could not respond to his cries of help to pull him out. His only option is to swim to the other side of the creek, and climb out on the lower bank.

He kicked my ass all the way home. I was crying and laughing at the same time. Tears were rolling down my face and I still don't know if it was from the pain or the laughter. I could not wait to tell the whole family what happened. He was no longer in a hurry to see his girlfriend, and that story was retold for years before he stopped getting pissed off about it.

We are still very good friends, but that might be the only time that he beat me at something and I felt like the winner.

James

[Brand New Soul]

Well today I was hanging out with my good friend. It was a wet cold day and most of the snow had metled so the ground was rather wet. We where headed to the gazbo and we diceided to race. I cut in fornt of him becuase he was going to win, so he tried to go around me. he ran on the grass flew at least 5 ft and landed in dog shit. LMAO it was freakin awesome.

[turbosteve222]

i had accidentally had sex with a pillow...we should hook up.

[Mr Fancy Pants]

ok so my grandpa has a cabin in teh Uinta mountains in Utah. So me and my family were up there on vacation. he has a gokart and a three wheeler up there. well the gokart seats two people. so i was about 9 and my younger borther about 5 or 6 so anyways im driving and a recentaly learned to do a tail whip or spin around really fast. so i tell my little brother to hold on. well over hte nosie of the motor he though i said hang out. so he hangs his head out the side and i flip around he falls out and i run him over. he just runs up to the cabin crying with a tire mark running down his back. i was scared shitless at the time i thought that i had broke his back or something(keep in mind i was 9) well anyways i drive the gokart up to the cabin. i was in tears thinking i hurt my little borther. but now whenver we talk about it we laugh our asses off

[freakwentflyer]

QUOTE Texplayboy-
"...it was New Years Eve, 1975. For anyone who lived that age will remember that the Bicentinal Year was a huge event. The government had minted new quarters, and everything was about the New Year and our country having it's 150th birthday."

It was the 200th birthday. But great story!
It's been a long time, I've been away busy with new twin boys and work.

So, hopefully, FREAKWENTFLYER and SCRATCHO are going to meet this July in Oregon and get shitfaced together, perhaps have a story to tell.

I'm planning a trip with the wife and kids. Maybe fly out and rent an RV. (No I won't be getting shitfaced driving the kids around in an RV)

What's another name for a gay rodeo? A "reach a round-up".

[Texplayboy]

[QUOTE=freakwentflyer]QUOTE Texplayboy-
"...it was New Years Eve, 1975. For anyone who lived that age will remember that the Bicentinal Year was a huge event. The government had minted new quarters, and everything was about the New Year and our country having it's 150th birthday."

It was the 200th birthday. But great story!



Thanks dude, It was a long time ago, but not THAT long, maybe it was something I was smoken.. wait, gave that up a LONG TIME ago too.. let me work on my excuse and get back to ya, :-) I fixed it with EDIT, thanks again.
James

[retarded_zoe]

lmfao. i absolutly love this thread.
i hope i've got stories like these in years to come !
x

[YellowBug]

Omg Thats Amazing!!! Hahah Totally Made My Day!

[scratcho]

Damn.I just went back thru all these and had some huge laughs again.Even at my own stuff.

[Aeshura]

hahaha! so friggin funny, heres one

A while back I was around 12 or so, I was crossing North ave. (Here, It's like a mini highway. I haven't fully mastered the art of zippening my pants. so I'm crossing the street with my mom when I notice a breeze, so i figure I can zip up on the way across the street. about excatly halfway across I grab the thingy and pull, only to find that my junk was ever so slightly hanging out, the Pain! I collapsed in the middle of the road clucthing my privates, and amongst the car swerving, I could here my mom laughing. So like curious little mice people are coming out to see why this kid is laying in the middle of the road, and my mom, much to my embarrasment explained... physicaly and emotionaly scarred.
#another one#

When we lived on the sreet that comes off of North ave. My neighbor had a rotwhieler(sp)? a really big brown beast of a dog. anyway, there was a little black dog that all the kids in the neighborhood used to mess with, we'd tease him and then run, Blackie (the dogs name) being a bit to slow (thinking back I think she may have been really old) we'd always get away in the nick of time, jumping on cars and whatnot. Well one day I was on rollerblades when our clan decided to mess with her, I'm where all thinking, I can get away still. So we go over and hoot and holler, and turn and run for what we assume will be it's inevitable chase...
well our neighbor lets his dog out (like many in our neighborhood) and well he must have been getting some action and we disturbed him. the next thing I know a big brown mass crashes into me, clomps down on my leg and drags me back into the ally. this was the moment I learned of our clan policy "he who falls behind, is left behind" earned a mean gash...

funny lil tidbit

At the hospitalthey had to take this strip of cloth of some sort and put it into one bite hole and pull it out the other. well when they told me this. I freaked so they have this restraint thing that they'd put you into to keep you still. we'll I got an arm free and pushed of the table, ran out of the room and eventually mad it right outside the doors. Imagine if you will a small child still inside a restraint thing about body length, a strip of string hanging from his leg being chased by a multitude of doctors, screaming at the top of his lungs. it took 6 doctors + plus my mom to catch me, drag me back into the room and hold me down.

[SunFree]

I must wonder, why was I ever inspired to tell such a moronic story, and what same mis-led inspiration caused its resurrection in a purportedly reputable thread? I have some actual good stories now, I just have to decide whether or not I want to risk somebody recognizing me. This shit doesn't happen to just anyone.

[Merry Mab]

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to surf the net until I got tired. I found this thread, and I was afraid I was going to wake the family up with all my laughing! I really hope more stories will be posted by the next time I visit this thread!

[Music Freak]

nice ones , ROFL

[lunarflowermaiden]

This is the most hilarious thread I have ever seen :lol:.

[scratcho]

Big-ass bump!

[young_deadhead]

ok i got a story for you guys (im not the best story teller but all my friends thought it was funny, so ill do my best)

So me and my buddies decide to go to a friends house to go get drunk in his hot tub. So we are in his room getting change to go out to the hot tub. Im looking around for a safe place to put my clothes where they dont get messed with, so i put them in the closet and figure thats a good place for them.

We then go out to the hot tub get piss ass drunk off of shitty drive threw vodka, this is also the night i decide to join what my friends call the botherhood and get burned with a black n mile on my back. After that my friend decides to give me my first piece of chew. Im so drunk and now getting a huge rush from the chew (never smoked or anything so first time with nicotine) my head starts rolling around and the juice drips down my throat making puke all over the side of the hot tub. My buddies decided that it was time for me to go to bed. So im helped back into the house and pass out on the floor still in swim trunks.

I wake up at 5 in the morning to go take a piss come back and pass out again. Like 20 minutes later one of the guys falls on me and wakes me up so i go move over to a new spot on the floor. Another 20 minutes later i wake up to sounds of someone puking, the dude that fell on me was now throwing up in his sleep all over my friend. The guy that is being puked on doesnt even wake up, the rest of the people in the room are now up and laughing their asses off. I shake the guy for a little bit that was thrown up on he stirs looks at all the puke on the floor and him and moves a foot over and goes back to sleep. Then my friend tells me that the guy that was throwing up also pissed in the closet. Lights turned on and we think hes parents have heard the noises and decide its time to dip before we get busted. We start getting dressed and i go over to the closet and discover that he fucking pissed all over my clothes!!!! Im fucking pissed and my friends arent helping me out by laughing. Lucky for me the piss the didnt get my jeans wet just my hoodie and shirt and my friend even had a hoodie in his truck for me to wear. So we then dip out before we get busted and go to steak n shake to nurse our hangovers.

Later we go back to my house to go back to sleep. Before we do that i pick up my car and i discover that my car wont start. So my friend that drove me to my car picks me back up we go to my house and go to sleep. Probably 30 minutes after we get to sleep our friend that got thrown up on keeps fucking calling me asking me what to do because he has throw up all over his $300 letter mans jacket.

So what a shitty way to start a day, piss all over my clothes, a huge hangover, my car wont start, and when i finally get to go back to sleep i get called 10 times waking me up each time.

[young_deadhead]

bump

[BrianOfNazareth]

Okay...One day my friends and I got really smashed and accidently ate a small mexican boy. Man was that funny when we woke up in jail. Lucky for me my father had connections and got me out.
My friends and I still laugh about that on visiting days. Well, I do anyway.

[Deech]

I'm gonna tell one my step dad told me, he used to do any drug... really... hes done every drug but meth... cause it wasn't around back then...

Well one night him and his friend were on acid and driving... (how the fuck do people drive on acid anyway i would never try that) and he said he was just watching the line on the road twist and do crazy patterns when he noticed his friend was staring at him and kept saying stop over and over... he asked what he was doing and his friend said "Jesus is telling me to stop man"... the guy had long hair and a beard and it turns out the guy was looking at his own reflection in the window and was telling himself to stop...

[freakwentflyer]

Wow this thread is still going?

[scratcho]

Hey Bill----Thanks for bringing this back.I had almost as much fun readin' 'em as I did doin' 'em.Let's keep 'er goin'.

[scratcho]

-----------------------

[scratcho]

------------------------------

[scratcho]

This is 3 bumps.I'm beginning to feel pretty stupid.

[Zorba The Grape]

You should.

[Captain Cannabis]

bwhahahahhaha. it was even funnier the second time.

[scratcho]

----------------------------me again.In a pathetic attempt at notoriety.