~Sam~
08-18-2004, 04:04 PM
Last year at this time, my Mom lay two days away from her death. I had felt as though I had lost her years previous, because she, the mother I had always known, was lost in the shadow world of dementia.
She called for me in her last days, so I was told. But I didn't go to her. I wanted to be nowhere near her when her soul was finally freed of its earthly transport. She had always tried to live her life and goals through me, and I had no doubts that as her soul was freed that she would try to inhabit my body. Crazy? Maybe not so crazy as you would think.
My niece from San Francisco was with her, and that was how it was supposed to be. She had never experienced watching death cloud someone's eyes as the life force left the body. I had. Many times, and I did not want to witness or be part to my Mother's departure from this world.
The last image that I hold in my mind of Mom was when Ken and I went to visit her at Xmas. She and I were sitting on her bed in the Nursing Home... Ken was sitting on the bed across the room. He began to sing a Christmas Carol, and with the glee and innocence of a child, she raised her legs out straight and began to sing along with him.
My aged and shrunken Mother... I saw her, then, as the child she used to be. And that is the image that shines in my mind's eye now, as I write this piece.
It was at that moment I found forgiveness in my heart for her. That moment when I saw with my own eyes, the child and the old woman in the same package. That moment when I realized just how short and fragile and transitory life really is. And I loved her more in that moment than I had during my entire life.
She died at 4;20 PM, on August 20th.
So... I've spent this last year alone. Both mother and father gone. Older Brother gone. Aunts and Uncles... all gone. I have to say that this has been the most Liberating year of my life, so far. For I am myself now. I am not the girl who can't do anything right. I am not the girl who is a disappointment to all who love her. I am me. And I feel full inside this body that carries my spirit, on the journey of my life, this time around.
My Mom, despite all her haranguing, quick back hand slap, and negative ways, taught me a lot about life and how to live it. She was from the old country, with old country ways. She was fiercely independent and firey in her defense of her chicklet. But she knew how to do many things and taught me well, although at the time of the 'teaching' I thought her methods a bit harsh.
I value her harshness now. I begin to see that the things she said and did, during her time here as my mother, make sense in the bright light of day. And the clarity that these daily discoveries of "mother truths" bring to me now, I will be forever grateful for.
I'm including the last birthday card she ever sent to me. It was in a time when she was still possessed of her faculties... And, her sentiments both surprised me and moved me deeply. I keep this card tacked to the wall above my night stand. The words, to me, are hers. And when I read them the first thing in the morning as I rub the sleep from eyes, my day begins with inspiration....
http://www.hipgallery.com/photopost2/data/500/638Last_Card_from_Mom.jpghttp://www.hipgallery.com/photopost2/data/500/638Last_Card_from_Mom_inside.jpg
(Yes Mom, I Love You Too. I see you now as the person you were inside, not the person you felt you had to become to be a Mother. And I do, indeed, Miss You.)
I'll add to this thread, eventually, more of my memories of our time together... as days go by and reflections of the way things were come to me most clearly.
Sam
She called for me in her last days, so I was told. But I didn't go to her. I wanted to be nowhere near her when her soul was finally freed of its earthly transport. She had always tried to live her life and goals through me, and I had no doubts that as her soul was freed that she would try to inhabit my body. Crazy? Maybe not so crazy as you would think.
My niece from San Francisco was with her, and that was how it was supposed to be. She had never experienced watching death cloud someone's eyes as the life force left the body. I had. Many times, and I did not want to witness or be part to my Mother's departure from this world.
The last image that I hold in my mind of Mom was when Ken and I went to visit her at Xmas. She and I were sitting on her bed in the Nursing Home... Ken was sitting on the bed across the room. He began to sing a Christmas Carol, and with the glee and innocence of a child, she raised her legs out straight and began to sing along with him.
My aged and shrunken Mother... I saw her, then, as the child she used to be. And that is the image that shines in my mind's eye now, as I write this piece.
It was at that moment I found forgiveness in my heart for her. That moment when I saw with my own eyes, the child and the old woman in the same package. That moment when I realized just how short and fragile and transitory life really is. And I loved her more in that moment than I had during my entire life.
She died at 4;20 PM, on August 20th.
So... I've spent this last year alone. Both mother and father gone. Older Brother gone. Aunts and Uncles... all gone. I have to say that this has been the most Liberating year of my life, so far. For I am myself now. I am not the girl who can't do anything right. I am not the girl who is a disappointment to all who love her. I am me. And I feel full inside this body that carries my spirit, on the journey of my life, this time around.
My Mom, despite all her haranguing, quick back hand slap, and negative ways, taught me a lot about life and how to live it. She was from the old country, with old country ways. She was fiercely independent and firey in her defense of her chicklet. But she knew how to do many things and taught me well, although at the time of the 'teaching' I thought her methods a bit harsh.
I value her harshness now. I begin to see that the things she said and did, during her time here as my mother, make sense in the bright light of day. And the clarity that these daily discoveries of "mother truths" bring to me now, I will be forever grateful for.
I'm including the last birthday card she ever sent to me. It was in a time when she was still possessed of her faculties... And, her sentiments both surprised me and moved me deeply. I keep this card tacked to the wall above my night stand. The words, to me, are hers. And when I read them the first thing in the morning as I rub the sleep from eyes, my day begins with inspiration....
http://www.hipgallery.com/photopost2/data/500/638Last_Card_from_Mom.jpghttp://www.hipgallery.com/photopost2/data/500/638Last_Card_from_Mom_inside.jpg
(Yes Mom, I Love You Too. I see you now as the person you were inside, not the person you felt you had to become to be a Mother. And I do, indeed, Miss You.)
I'll add to this thread, eventually, more of my memories of our time together... as days go by and reflections of the way things were come to me most clearly.
Sam