Waves

[Share the Warmth]

cool
soothing
touch of sea, lapping at my toes
thoughts and cares melt now
taking with them woes

ocean's voice resonates
ancient beyond all cries
push pull, give take
such gentle strength with no compromise

begin, end, begin, end
inescapable truth is this
but can time take this all away
will it ever cease to persist?

friends, gods, feelings, gulls
come and go, come and go, pay the cost
but to this voice i cling in times of dark
and so never be lost

a calm voice beyond the shadowlands of thought
uninterupted, it persists
forever, forever, forever, forever!
forever, i wish


This needs work. But it is here and it is heartfelt.

[Isil]

To you I say, Woot!

[Miss_Beatle]

Cool poem :)

[A.B.E.]

I surely loved your poem, it was sooooooo awesome. I read it five times, and each time it just seemed more profound. Every line just flowed, and the watery images walked me right down to the oceans edge. Great work. Inspiring.!

I haven't come to this site for a long time, but now I will check it out occasionally, and see if you have any more. Lots of good poetry on this forum!

[A.B.E.]

You inspired me to write a poem of my own.

:whistling :birds:

Gone is the barn,
Gone is the chicken,
Kurts on the bed,
I like your new sig picken.

[Share the Warmth]

Thanks for the positive feedback guys! What do you think could use improvement?

[A.B.E.]

cool
soothing
touch of sea, lapping at my toes
thoughts and cares melt now
taking with them woes

ocean's voice resonates
ancient beyond all cries
push pull, give take
such strength with no compromise

begin, end, begin, end
inescapable truth is this
but can time take this all away
will it ever cease to persist?

friends, gods, feelings, gulls
come and go, come and go, pay the cost
but to this voice i cling in times of dark
and so I'll never be lost

a calm voice beyond the shadowlands of thought
uninterupted, it persists
forever, forever, forever, forever!
forever, i wish


This needs work. But it is here and it is heartfelt.

When I read it outloud, and it reads very nicely, I would change two things. I would leave out the "with" and say "such strength, no comprimise."
And " so will never be lost" leaving out the I of I'll because of the I in the previous line. Sounds redundant to me. Maybe it has something to do with the flow. I actually think it is perfect, it is from you, but you asked for a critique, so when I read it those are the two changes I made. Very beautiful though.

[Share the Warmth]

I am still going back and forth with the "with" issue but I definitely agree with "so will never be lost". Thanks!

[sylvanlightning]

ocean's voice resonates
ancient beyond all cries
push pull, give take
such strength with no compromise
Heartfelt and beautiful indeed. Wow, what a first stanza!

Something to consider would be the last line of this 2nd stanza...
perhaps, 'such gentle strength' would continue the complimentary flow.

[Share the Warmth]

Sylvan, I like it!

[airotciv]

Damn that's good...very visual.

[thcinfectedhair]

i enjoyed it, can tell you put some thought behind your wordz