My first poem in English

[Penny]

Actually, I'm extremely ashamed of posting this here in such a public place, where everyone is gonna be able to judge how pathetic I am with this ridiculous poem I wrote for Nick about a year ago :&

But, to defend myself, I have to say that, even though I'm fluent in English, French is and has always been my first language, and I already have a hard time writing poems that rhyme in French, so imagine how difficult it is for me to do the same thing in English. I just don't have as much vocabulary... or maybe yes, but it doesn't automatically come to my mind! Besides, I wrote that poem during class, and couldn't really concentrate that much.

Anyways, please, don't be too mean... here is goes:



For You


For you I would do anything
I will be devoted until I die
Nothing else is more enchanting
Than spending my life with you nearby


For you I would go anywhere
I will always follow you
Never I will leave you I swear
Without you baby I am blue


For you I would leave all my friends
And I would leave my country
If it was for me the only chance
To have you forever with me




Okay, go ahead, laugh, laugh, laugh... it sounds like it was written by a 8 years old kid, I know...

[0nomat0poeia]

Okay, go ahead, laugh, laugh, laugh... it sounds like it was written by a 8 years old kid, I know...[/left]

i don't laugh and it really doesn't sound as if an eight years old kid has written it!
it is so extremely cute, so don't be ashamed!
and if you don't believe me, let me explain why i think this way:
i am surrounded by so-called happy couples, almost all my friends i hang around with now (we have summer holidays atm) have a partner and they would never do something so pure, true and simple like you did with this poem. for them, it is all about proofing themselves and everyone else that they do have a partner, you know? they buy expensive stuff and things like that and they do it all the time, just to proof that they are part of a happy couple. they would never write such a nice poem for each other, never!
but you just sat down and wrote a poem in a language that is not you mother tongue. you said everything with this little poem, and you are exactly leaving your country and friends to go to america and to study and live there with your boyfriend! if that isn't true love, i just don't know!
:D there's no need to be ashamed, it is true and wonderful and it means what it says. :D

[Maes]

Besides, I wrote that poem during class, and couldn't really concentrate that much.

The poem is awful. I think you miss the whole point. (IMHO) A poem is the concentration of thoughts with relative attention paid to the structure (that is alliteration and grammer). There are poets who spend weeks to complete a poem or find the more appropriate word. Your poem may cover your "dense" (see, i dont know the appr. word) feelings about the subject but it does not transmit it to the reader (me in this case). It sounded like a notice to me. Like a pledge of allegiance.

But as far as I understand you're one of those people who are stuck in themselves and want to breakfree. They never breakfree but people do by enjoying with their works, by getting something for themselves (compositions, poems, paintings and etc.). These people (that can not breakfree) are called artists.


They ask Rodin, how he so fabulously did the “thinking man” sculpture.
Rodin says : It was already there, I just chipped off the excess marble.


This is to say, you got the marble block (senses and creativity) but you have to chipp off the excess marble with your hammer; dicipline. So keep on writing. We never know how disgusting poems famous poets have written and then sent to the trash bin. Keep on chipping and you will do better.


About the post:
I think you've done the right thing by posting your poem and I understand how one can be shy about his/her works (especially if it's a love poem which always bears the danger of being identified as a cliché). To be honest I wouldnt dare to do it.

Lastly, do not forget that I'm not intellectually fit to criticise a poem.

cheers :)

[Penny]

Thanks for the comments, guys :)

0nomat0poeia, I was very touched by yours, and Maes, well, I appreciated your comment even though you didn't really dig my poem :p I must say that I couldn't freely express my thoughts without really caring about structure and grammar with a poem, though, for that, I have my journal! What I like when writing poetry, it's to make it rhyme and sound perfect, and still express something, but... in a more subtil way. That one poem wasn't subtil, though... I was working too hard on finding words that rhyme and still make the idea go through! Which is a very complicated thing when English isn't your first language, believe me...

[Jetblack]

*laughing* hahaha sounds liek an 8 year old :P nah jk it was very nice keep writing

[0nomat0poeia]

Which is a very complicated thing when English isn't your first language, believe me...

i so know what you mean! when i introduced myself in the introucing thread in here, i mentioned where i am from and that i am a lyricist - most of the things i write are in english which isn't my mother tongue. i was so proud when i wrote the first poem that actually rhymed!

[Penny]

It makes me happy when people understand me :)

[Maes]

so you wanna rhyme and write in english...then my only suggestion is that you systematically read english poets and theories related to poetry (I'm sure that you know what to do but I'm humbly saying this just as a sign of goodwill... dont take it as me being a wiseacre). Just keep on systematically chipping off; and they've put a man on the moon.

PS: Robert Fagles, recieved many awards for his Homer translations (hmmm?).

[Penny]

Thanks for the advice!

[0nomat0poeia]

i wish i could tell you about some good books about writing poetry and all that jazz, for i am studying literature, all my books about it are in german, even the one about english literature :(

btw, here's my last one http://hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=255955

[unoriginal screen na]

how about we all try write poems in languages that isn't our first, and if you only know one language, make up your own language.

*kisses*

Drew

[wiufcaoltp]

:) That poem is very special for me. It was a wonderful present.

I speak French pretty well, but I don't know how to spell enough words correctly so I'll make up my own language:

Flokom strukkum fillin fuch,
Bushkin strollin fizzle fousch,
Siclar nolkek trakkum troo,
Eet allen metrol folkom krew,
Mitternacht morgen kometen,
Ja mein liebling smakersmetten.

I put in a few German words too (six of them) but I'm not sure if I spelled them all correctly. The rest is just random gibberish, but even the stuff in German doesn't make sense (midnight morning comet, yes my darling).

[unoriginal screen na]

Dans ma maison petit.
J'habite avec ma Penny!
Nous sommes tout boirer
Au le TGV a Calais.
Nous boirons le vin et l'eau.
Tout le chemin de Nice au Bordeaux.

und ich habe ein kaninchen..

[Penny]

Aww that was so adorable! :)

[unoriginal screen na]

merci beaucoup! i learnt most of my french in a national exam thingy that's really important, lucky i sat next to my then-girlfriend who's really smart. never did i think it'd do me any good but now it's helped me impress a hot french girl "Merci Madmoiselle Denniston" (she's my french teacher)

*kisses*

Drew

[ladygodivasoperation]

I don't like to be a downer but how about this,

ppl. who change for no reason at all, it's happening all of the time.

it's cute tough, it's cleary written by someone who's very very in Love.

[Bhaskar]

Darling Laety, welcome to my world!

Your poem was awful. Almost as bad as the first thing I ever wrote. Stick at it. Keep posting them. Keep sticking your tongue out at people who dont like them. One fine day you'll find a few lines slipped in that are actually pretty good. And so it starts. Then the flood gates open and words of magic pour out until you live the beauty that you write (or vice versa).

May the song of your love reverberate forever in the chambers of my heart.

your brother,

Bhaskar

[paintingjames]

hey...fred!

[Penny]

You know what Bhaskar? Thank you for being honnest. But keep in mind that English is NOT my first language, so I think I should get a little more credit for my "awful" poem... how about, not so good?

I'm writing much better now that I'm in college though, but I still prefer writing in French. I read a lot of Rimbaud and Verlaine... beautiful...

[ludwigmk]

Your poem don't look childish at all to me! Actually, I think it's just that every single word in it seem to be naturally spoken! Your text is in a delicate equilibrium where adding words will be too much and removing words will be too few. And this delicacy is quite beautiful and moving! :)

love!

[Penny]

Thank you, I'm touched by your compliment :)

[natural23]

Penny,

Your Sincererity, Passion and Devotion are Beautiful - be free - you are wonderful.

23

[Penny]

:)
*hug*