Attn: Lesbians - Butch or Femme?

[MysteriousNight]

I remember years ago, I had a crush on this girl. We talked here and there for a little while, I guess kind of "dated". Then she ends it with me and her reason was because I wasn't "butch enough". That has always sort of bothered me. I mean what the hell does it matter? Does it really matter? I don't think I am femme or butch, just me. The way she said it was condesending, like I'm obligated to act or look a certain way if I am a lesbian. So, anyway, just wondering from you why being a "butch" or a "femme" lesbian matters or if it even does.

[CrazybutLazy]

It doesn't matter, and if you try to be butch or femme when you aren't than you are hurting the gay community by purposely hiding it's diversity.

[junkhead]

^^ truth^^

[moonlightdelerium]

I've never personally felt one or the other. Besides, over the last few weeks I've decided musicians are a gender unto themselves... the third sex.

[l-foote]

It doesn't matter, and if you try to be butch or femme when you aren't than you are hurting the gay community by purposely hiding it's diversity.
You're right, just have to be who are, and let people be attracted to that. Not whether you are too butch, or too femme for their liking. People are just biiiiitch.

[AutumnsMoonChild]

Gay-bisexual-straight-pansexual roles are rediculous. As are gender roles. They all piss me off. It is okay when someone naturally fits a role, but if they try to fit a role just because they are one or another, then that just fucks everything up for everyone else.

I have a girlfriend. I don't wear makeup. I'm not bothered by mud. I'm not afraid of spiders. I'm not afraid ot get dirty. I wear men's clothes sometimes...like men's undies & pajamas...they are just more comfortable. Women are expected to wear a bunch of tight cute clothing and they are usually uncomfortable to me.

That does not in any way,however make me butch or a dyke. I still have an attraction towards guys, I have long hair, I wear skirts and lacey things and like to smell nice. It upsets me when someone thinks I am a butch, or anything of that sort because I simply am not.

Another thing...I hate when people think that same sex couples have gender roles such as...'This is the boy of the relationship,and the other is the girl." No, that's not how it works. Sometimes, it is that way,yeah. But look at all the heterosexual couples...sometimes they are both the girls of the relationship so to speak,or vice versa.

[moonlightdelerium]

I know, my oh so homophobic neighbors are always like "well, someone always takes on the man's roll and vice versa", I'm like, what the hell is the "man's roll" anyway? Can't people just relate with people without bringing their freakin' gender into it?

[rain_in_summer]

It is okay when someone naturally fits a role, but if they try to fit a role just because they are one or another, then that just fucks everything up for everyone else.

Amen to that and I would like to add that it can "fuck things up" for themselves too. I especially like the first part about it being ok when it comes naturally. Because some gay people consider themselves sooo emancipated that they start bashing couples who seem to fit any sort of role cliché.

I don't dress particularly girly, but I don't wear men's clothes either. I have long hair but don't wear make-up. I feel good the way I am. Funnily, when I used to wonder about what my "possible future girlfriend" could be like I often pictured a more or less girly girl because I thought having a butch girlfriend would be too "cliché". Now I'm with a girl that is not like super-duper hardcore butch, but definitely more butchy than me. She's taller than me, has short hair, leads when we're dancing ... and all of that sounds/looks a bit like the typical man/woman role model at first glance but it's just the way we're comfortable. And she's NO WAY masculine, hehe. I've always considered it a bit stupid to put girls/guys into categories called feminine and masculine, because it just means female and male. And WHAT is a male woman supposed to be? :p

[chenle]

Amen to that and I would like to add that it can "fuck things up" for themselves too. I especially like the first part about it being ok when it comes naturally. Because some gay people consider themselves sooo emancipated that they start bashing couples who seem to fit any sort of role clich?

I don't dress particularly girly, but I don't wear men's clothes either. I have long hair but don't wear make-up. I feel good the way I am. Funnily, when I used to wonder about what my "possible future girlfriend" could be like I often pictured a more or less girly girl because I thought having a butch girlfriend would be too "clich?amp;quot;. Now I'm with a girl that is not like super-duper hardcore butch, but definitely more butchy than me. She's taller than me, has short hair, leads when we're dancing ... and all of that sounds/looks a bit like the typical man/woman role model at first glance but it's just the way we're comfortable. And she's NO WAY masculine, hehe. I've always considered it a bit stupid to put girls/guys into categories called feminine and masculine, because it just means female and male. And WHAT is a male woman supposed to be? :p



Some is right, but i don't aggree all of it. The gay like me is also responsible for my partner, the love is a sense. without others i could be sure, the love isn't based on the sex. no matter you're a woman or man, we are independent, and be intellectualism. we know what we should be done. the T or the P, we have the right to choose, just remeber one thing that don't do the thing what will hurt each other. The best wish for you, Bye!

[AutumnsMoonChild]

I don't know about this, but maybe people associate male-female roles in relationships with dominant-submissive roles...and automatically assume the dominant one is the 'male' in the relationship and the submissive one is the 'female' of the relationship. That is how alot of people are. That whole 'man of the house" and "loving house wife" cliche immediatly comes to mind. Terrible,isn't it?

But then again...not everyone has a dominant submissive relationship with their partner. So I could be wrong.

[AutumnsMoonChild]

I've never personally felt one or the other. Besides, over the last few weeks I've decided musicians are a gender unto themselves... the third sex.That idea is pure genius.:hurray::hysterica

[erzebet1961]

Maybe the lassie was more attracted to the more butch females...Im sure it wasnt personal against you....just her preference...as for myself...I like both the butch and the fems.....as long as they have a great sense of their own worth !!

[junkhead]

eunuch ftw

[rain_in_summer]

the T or the P, we have the right to choose

That's interesting, I read something about these categories in the Chinese lesbian scene a while ago. It seems these "role models" are still quite accepted there while in Europe (and the US) they're not so "in" any more.
Would you agree, chenle?

An interesting/funny article on the subject I just googled:
http://www.xtra.ca/public/viewstory.aspx?AFF_TYPE=4&STORY_ID=2176&PUB_TEMPLATE_ID=2

[xxcheesepuff977xx]

I dress act and look like a man...but that's always been that way since I was young and it was my choice, and was part of who I was even before I realized I was gay. When people aren't themselves, it fucks things up for everybody.

[Rainbow Starlite]

I personally don't think it matters. I happen to be more "girly" looking than the stereotype (according to my friends anyway) and my girlfriend is less girly than me in her clothing but more so in some other ways. I think it's all a load of shit if you ask me!!! Look/act however you feel most comfortable! That said, if people are attracted to a certain look, I don't blame them- but I can't see myself narrowing things down in such a way.

[stickinote07]

i find beauty in women in general, be they 'butch' or 'fem'.
and i guess ive never really thought about what 'i am' because i dont really care.
;p

but im sorry someone ended it with you because you weren't who they wanted you to be.
it can hurt, but now you're open to someone who wont think off appearances solely.

[mushie18]

Almost all of my lesbian friends prefer "butch" girls in general.

Don't know why.

[moonlightdelerium]

When I really think about it I don't know, people at school would probably call me butch in the sense that I don't wear make-up, I don't fix my hair, I wear pretty simple clothing with flat shoes (Gotta love comfort), and I don't shave. I'm also generally attracted to people who do a lot of the same aforementioned things so its hard to say. Like I said in another post, I'm musiciansexual.

[melodiuScorpittarius]

im curious, was she "butch" herself?

[drumminmama]

When I really think about it I don't know, people at school would probably call me butch in the sense that I don't wear make-up, I don't fix my hair, I wear pretty simple clothing with flat shoes (Gotta love comfort), and I don't shave. I'm also generally attracted to people who do a lot of the same aforementioned things so its hard to say. Like I said in another post, I'm musiciansexual.
I'm the same..and I'm straight! (take that petty highschool kids)

[Biida]

I'm the same..and I'm straight! (take that petty highschool kids)Petty highschool kids? Aww, mama, come on! I'm the quite similar and still in highschool. Make-up is kept to a minimal (ie. only on special occasions) and the only heels I have are about to be replaced by a comfy, flat pair of dressy shoes to wear with my school kilt. :)

Yay for fuzzy legs!

And to keep this post on topic, I've got an absolute and total weakness for "butch" girls. I've never really been able to explain it, quite honestly; I just go weak in the knees.

[lutsko67]

All butch here babe!!
Just the way I and my g/f love it.
I am me, love me or hate me, the choice is yours!!
That s my motto!!

[Bocks]

I've never personally felt one or the other. Besides, over the last few weeks I've decided musicians are a gender unto themselves... the third sex.Touche[insert accent here]!

[evil lesbian]

i am both some days i wear make-up and flirt outrageously and other times it is basketball shorts and a muscle shirt and street football with my brothers friends. everybody is both men, women, gay straight and that is because society has decided to gender orient certain character traits that are not nessasarily masculine or feminine. people find it easier to identify others through "what they are" gay, straight, masculine feminine, weak, strong

[nytomboi]

i prefer the term boi to describe myself...not butch but not femme and not a tweener...andro and fulla spunk

[LilianaRose]

I would definitely be classified as more feminine, for sure. But I find myself completely attracted to both "femme" and "butch." I think it's the way some girls just carry themselves. Confidence is sexy.

Also, I really don't like the "So, who's the boy in the relationship?" question. Well, we're LESBIANS...We don't like boys. Ah, well...I guess it would be confusing for someone who is so set in boy-girl relationships, eh?

[confusednlonely]

yes

http://www.ero-cams.net/thumbs/transexuals_113.jpg

[jeanofarc]

It seems to me that being gay gives you the opportunity to be something different than the binary choices put by the straight community. I think its much easier to find a man than a woman that accepts me for the style I choose to be; but i'm not attracted to them. Even tho I'm not fem, i get hit on by guys and told by lesbians that they are not attracted to me because i'm not fem or butch. Wish people looked inside a person instead of desiring a role be played in their second hand played out play. When i'm toldd that i don't fit the part i feel like i'm viewed as 2 dimensional, just performing a service.