help i nee to talk to some one

[danny100]

Hello, doesn't it just make it great when you can talk to people!

Thanks for being here.

I'm bi, well I think I am, I’m 32 *gasp* all through my life I’ve kind of fancied and been attracted to the same sex, I have dated woman and that, 7 or 8 or even 9 of them in fact over the years but you guessed it, it's never worked out.

I met an 18 year old on the net the other day and we have been texting each other......I feel good about it, like we kind of connected, we did meet in a chat room and it's kind of escalated from there.......why do I feel bad. Is it his age? Is it the fact that this is my 1st real gay person that I’ve connected with....?

I hope you real don't mind me asking but at times over the last week I have feelings.......* a week *.....I hear you all say....yeah just I week....but I find that I’m thinking about him all the time.

No one knows that I’m bi, and no one knows he is....but I think it's going to be imminent before we meet....arggg my heads all over the place.

I would never hurt any one and I think people should be treated the way you would like to be treated, so I’d rather say no to him that carry on like this, but I can't help it....it's like a drug...but the very 1st time you took it....

I can keep on going on all night, after all this is the 1st time in 32 years that I’ve had the bottle to admit it and it's to 30 billion people on the internet. Guess if you’re going to do it then you may as well do it big time.

Joke.

man, what I’m trying to say is " do you think it's wrong he's only 18 "

I think where this stems from is that when I was 28 or so I went out with an 18 year old girl...I felt good. I felt great, she thought the age gap was too big and we split.....

Thanks all for being here I really need it......

[erzebet1961]

Legally , he is an adult, If the age thing doesnt bother him, then it shouldnt bother you. Have you given any thought to where this is going, I mean , is this just a casual thing, how does he feel about it? I understand what you are feeling, I went through 3 months of the verry same emotions you described...it was like a verry intense high...
I sure hope everything works out for you two !!!

[danny100]

Thanks for replying.

I’m not sure where this is going, it’s all exciting to me, I hope you understand, I’m not to sure if it’s casual or not, it’s probably real early to say,

It’s like I’m buzzing as you say, make’s me feel good when I get a text, I’ve never felt this way about a male person before, yeah I’ve passed glances at males over the years but who knows who’s gay or not in the high street,

I’ve asked him loads as we have chatted loads and he comes back with all the right answers, well not always but we do have a laugh as friends and then it can also get steamy….maybe it’s me that has the problem, maybe I can’t understand how I can have feelings for the same sex, my family think that you decide if your gay, bi or not, I think your born with a little bit of it inside you to tell you the truth.

Is it wrong that I have feelings for a friend, is it wrong that I want to lie in bed with him….it’s a head ache and I hate it ! my life would be so much better if people new I was gay then I could just get on with it.

He’s told me that his mother and father are “ against “ that sort of stuff, you know, and I’m just real scared of hurting him…but on the other hand I want to have him and hold him….oh this is getting way to hard for me.

I get agro of my brother and mates that I “ haven’t got a girlfriend yet “ and all that stuff, I had a date last Friday with a girl, only to find out that she had actually forgotten that she’d asked me out and told me that she was too drunk to remember…..yeah I really fancy that like, Mr X, hasn’t stopped texting me with encouraging words of love..

Thanks all

[erzebet1961]

O k, have you ever felt this way for a female ?..If not, then its a fair clue that you are probably gay, and happened upon him at just the right time, and no, its not wrong to want these things with a friend, I thinl you are fortunate to be feeling what you are, a lot of people dont ever come accross the magic , so to speak, and only read about it.
Enjoy, it doesnt happen often !!!!!

[VertuHost]

You have to consider maturity levels too... I personally think the age difference isn't a good thing, but that's my opinion. You are at a different place in life than he is, and as long as he isn't held back, cool. It might be that you have found another gay guy to connect, and that is cool. Are you sure what you are feeling is at a different level? (lol The 8 years of being a therapist is showing...) Often, especially with gays who are not out and self-accepting, we misinterpret our feelings when it comes to relationships, often because our relationships are usually not encouraged at the usual age that straight people begin that social development. So, we have to develop later, without role-models. I hope you find your answers.

Chris

PS: erzebet1961 - You are very beautiful. :)

[Samhain]

pp.s she is very beautiful in many ways!
S

[erzebet1961]

Thank you..both of you....but Im only a mirror that reflects the beauty around me

[danny100]

i think my feelings for him are quite strong, and thats the thing like i say thats scaring me, i've met a few peopel that are gay and bi and haven't come across any one that makes me tick in such a way....man this is all strange and it does seem well fucked up, but then again does it ? i mean why can't i feel for some one, why can't i live with some one, why can't we be togehter.....why, why, why,

so many questions, yet so little answers.

I must admit that if he's 18 and wants to go out raving and that every night then it's not going to happen....i'm out for a few drinks in the local pub, passed the clubbing years i guess, so i kind of see you point where your getting at.

It's so hard for me, even as i type this the thought of not hearing from him again and the thought of doing any thing that would affect his future hurts me, like my eyes are welling up!

boy this is tuff.

[VertuHost]

Sometimes what we want isn't the right thing to do. First, consider him and his future. If you truely feel love, you will hopefully do the right thing.

Chris

[danny100]

Thanks for the post.

This is so hard for me, it's burning me up, just glad that there's people on here that can listen to me.

I want him to have the best in the world and if that means me not contacting him again and that then that will be it * sobs * boy this is so so so tuff.

If he won't leave me alone what am i supposed to do? i want what is best for us both, i want what is best for him.

he says he likes me a lot and he says that " if this doesn't work out, wud i still stay friends with him " yeah course i will.

He comes across as quite a great guy.......so i guess only time will tell what is going to happen.....

i can't type any more....my eyes for some reason are full of water........funny old world aint it.??

[erzebet1961]

GOD !!!!..I been where you are right now...I know exactly what you are feeling , and if it doesnt work out its going to feel like the worst pain in the world just because the feelings are so intense !!..only you can know whas right, even when you dont want to think about it..and its hard to think right now because its like a drug..an obsession..
PLEASE let me know what happens, I really care..I thought I would never be ok again,
pm me whenever you need to talk !!!

[danny100]

Thank you so so so so much for listening.......it may work out, i have an open mind on things, what ever will be, will be and if it's meant to happen it will happen, all them things come into it....in fact i've just been reading on a web site about a couple that has about 25 years inbetween them and they live happily together.

Nothing really to do with the age thing, that doesn't bother him or me, the main reason i came on here was so some one could listen to me with out crying out all the gay things that i would get called if i approcahed any one from my family.....

thanks for being here for me....i really need it at this present time, im a litlte fragile.....oh shit here comes the water again.....why can't you turn tears off....

[erzebet1961]

because sometimes you just need to cry....

[VertuHost]

You seem like a really nice and sensitive guy, which is cool. If it works for you, great. I am just more traditional when it comes to some things, but those are my personal feelings and not a rule for others. I've been in a relationship for almost 12 years, and we thought 4 years was an age difference when it started. lol Things can work, but you both have to be on the same page and both have to be willing (and emotionally able) to work for it. I am also here if you need to talk.

Chris

[danny100]

Thank you

i must be ohnest we have both discussed the age thing last night and he did say " i'm worried about it " now there we have it, he did say when he found out that he wasn;t bothered, but it's been paying on his mind.......i need to be strong and keep a cool head, even though i can't see this dam screen for crying.....and i cried today at work...all day in fact....is'nt it a complete and utter pain....

i had pain in my guts all day, like my stomach was wrenching.....why ???

Please some one tell me why.....whats going on, i think my head is broke....i really think my head is broke.......

i'm going to be strong and not show it to him that im failing and very very fragile at the moment.....i want whats best for him, and thats to let him find the right guy thats a bit younger....let him do his college work, and have fun !

maybe the shock of getting involved in a gay relationship and chatting to a real nice guy that is soooo good looking etc, etc, came as a shock to me, i must admit i didn;t think that i'd be sobbing in front of a pc like i am over an 18 year old guy.....

jesus, my life would be so much better if people new i was gay....

i have to go.....i'm burning up...

thank you all again for listening......

[erzebet1961]

It sounds stupid...but it will eventually stop hurting....even though it doesnt feel like it will right now....you got people that care about you here when you need them..and we dont think your messed up or strange, your no different than us.

[VertuHost]

That kind of feeling you are having is called love. Why don't people know you are gay? It is harder to have a real relationship if you are closeted... Do you live in a place that is really backward?

Chris

[danny100]

yeah kinda, well not really i suppose, it would just come as a shock to so many people.

At the end of the day i've been accused that many times at being gay, when people find out that i have my tounge done, and i'm not really intrested in the female sex that much.......so yeah they prolly have their suspicions.

just because i'm not like " phew look at her " and " gawd i'd love to shag her " them sort of things....

no offence you know...


Everythings landing at the wrong time, it's really unbelievable !

[erzebet1961]

I know you dont want to hear this, but you really need to look after you before this eats you alive !!!...and it will, eventually, you are going to have to come out, just so you can live, whats the verry worst that can happen when you do?

[danny100]

you know all the advice what you and everyone else here has give is correct....you are all very very good people...i know you are right.......

i love you all for your shoulder that i have cried on, it must be pretty wet by now....


i just can't help it, i know it's good to cry once in a while but i can't stop....

[erzebet1961]

Have you practiced in your mind how you will come out to your family..?...it sounds silly but it really helps if you visualize exactly what you will say and how you say it..
like a dress rehearsel...

[danny100]

i dont really know to tell you the truth.

At this present time i'm all messed up.

On Thursday night i spoke with him and he seems all messed up as well, telling me that he loves me and that he needs time to think, i get a text of him at about 12 ish saying " i hope your all right, your always in my heart"

Thats kind of saying to me that it's over.

Friday i hear nothing until late on and then i suddenly get a text saying that he misses me and that he needs me for my love and i keep him going.

Then i get another text saying " sorry i have met some one else online, he's not my bf or any thing but he feels guilty and i should know"

He go's on to say that just because he's met some one doesn't mean that i've lost him, he says he's cried as he knows he's hurt me and he can't have two men in his life "

i really don't have a clue whats goign on ?

i'm hurting like a bastard at the moemnt, whats going on, did i come along after he had already met some one, jesus this twist just keeps twisting doesn't it.

i've just sent him a text asking him what he wants me to do...

[NJnudedude]

Go ZEN, which is to say hands up, palms out, and do nothing and put the twist upon him.

Excessive desire is the root of all human unhappiness.

There will be someone else at some point in time. You will survive.

[danny100]

i think your right you know man....i really do.

i shall take your advice and put my hands up in the air.

Sound advice.

[VertuHost]

NJnudedude does give good advice...

Chris

[danny100]

i have taken your advice and will try and not let it bother me too much, last night was the 1st night that we didn't text each other goodnight...it hurt, but i know it's the right thing to do.

I'm a loving person and i care very much, maybe i wear my heart on my sleeve too much.

It is kind of like an obssesion isn't it, the old " love game " but hey it's all part of life's rich tapestry"

Funny why things work out the way they do, i seem to always be wanting some thing, and can never get it, maybe thats the way that it was meant to be, lifes full of temptation and things that always seem are unfair, i know there will be all them sayign like it will make you stronger and all that, yeah it probably will, but it sure does fking suck some times.

[erzebet1961]

I'm sorry....I know how bad it hurts because Ive been there lots of times, I too wear my heart on the outside of my body, and I always fall for someone who doesnt really want me the same way I want them....but, the world needs kind hearts and tender spirits...so dont change, you are perfect just the way you are !!!!

[danny100]

thank you again for all your kind words, they have helped me and so have the others i must say over these past few days etc, you know i believe in

"Karma is simply the golden rule: what you give out is what you receive - either in the same or in similar form. You reap what you sow - your actions create that which you do live out now, whether this relates to a past/future life situation or to the present date"

Wheh am i going to start seeing this pay me a little back.


I'm sick of it, i can't have any thing i ever wanted, yeah granted i got a house and a car and a good job, i have money, i have all the nice little things that i want but i can't find love, well i can but not in a normal manner, i always have to go about it the fucked up way.

I fell in love with an 18 year old boy, i'm fking 32......it fking tore me up, didnt even know it was happening, and i must not let it put me off looking for and finding love.

i'm a hard worker and i'll keep at it, but dam, come on send me it this way.

I guess not being out is a problem as well, well it's not and it is, after all i've lived on my own on and off for 10 years, since my dad passed away, got one brother that lives close, but hardley see him.

nearly had a baby once, but found out 3 months in that it wasn't mine, that hurt a little bit, been out with woman, dated and that but always seem to fail in the end, maybe because i am gay, maybe i am, maybe i'm not bi, i could be just saying that i am bi as i've slept with woman in the past, i'm just fked up at the moment so sorry for the rambling.

Maybe that's why this hurt, the 1st ever guy that i've actually had more than a thing for and maybe i put all the chickens, eggs, bread, water and milk in a big basket with this one.....i dunno.

I have a girl that is wanting me to go out with her now and start dating.....fantastic hu....i'm in love with a boy of 18 yet a lady wants to go out with me and i can't even pull a clean pair of pants on to entertain her......no disrespect in any way mind you, i'm only telling you my feelings......


arggggg, these things are sent to test us, well i must have passed with flying colours surly.!!!

dam i'm messed up.!

[erzebet1961]

Your not messed up baby..just a little lost, and it happens to us all ! Some of the Karma has come back your way, only not in the form you wished...you have drawn many friends on these threads to you with your warm, wonderfull spirit, and your kindness, and honesty, and , eventually these same traits will draw your mate to you !

[NJnudedude]

Please repeat the following to yourself....


Excessive desire is the root of all human unhappiness.

Quote from Buddha.

There will be another guy out there who will turn your tail. Keep your feathers open.

[danny100]

i know, i just feel it's good to express my self and let it all out....... i get yi

[erzebet1961]

We love listening to you !!!

[danny100]

i know ! thanks.! much appreciated.....

[danny100]

i just thought i'd drop in and let you all know whats been happening...

erm i tried to think of some one else....i cant'
he's still txting me.....now and then... i miss you ?

now my mind does hurt....

[erzebet1961]

Im so sorry....do you think what you are doing is right for you ?....you live in your skin and we can only give our opinions. What does your gut tell you ?

[erzebet1961]

If it is painfull for you, maybe you shouldnt read his texts..I know ..its like when my ex used to call..and I would see her number on the I.D.and my heart would just race at the thought that she was actually calling me...and, of course , it meant more to me than to her...she just wanted to keep me around in case her current didnt work out !!
But, keeping in contact only keeps the wounds open !!!!

[danny100]

yeah your 100% right there........i just don't think at the moment i can tell him not too....

[danny100]

well im slowly pulling through it....thanks to this great site and the people i have met.......it is priceless......

[erzebet1961]

Were always here anytime you need us !!!!