just a little something~

[indian~summer]

it's ment to be spoken
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can you hear me whisper?
can you hear me breathe,
these words on the back of your neck?
can you feel the heat?
the sparks that seem to come,
off my body just standing next to you
you make me more
you make me, unsatisfied
the pleasure you've left turns to pain
it's the sadist in you coming out
make me burn

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i don't know if it's any good but i guess you're all the experts on that :p

[andcrs2]

Not a expert by most defs except the one that matters.
yes to all the above...

[lady_dreamcatcher]

i'm no expert, but i rather enjoyed this! lol nice, sensual imagery... well done

[TrippinBTM]

You're right, that does sound good out loud. It has a strong cadence to it, very evocative.

[indian~summer]

thanks everyone

[Bonsai]

The poem is strong in itself. I agree with insane... it needs more. Or perhaps even slow the pace a mite! Suggesting a mere 'gander' from another perspective...as in... look in your box to look outside the box! << pm

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ooops, your box is full...posting it here

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can you hear me whisper?

can you hear me breathe,
(warm) words (upon) the back of your neck?

can you feel the heat?
the (electricity) that seems to grow,
just standing next to you

you make me more
you make me, unsatisfied
(you, stole my heated breath)

the pleasure you've left
turns to pain
(like a sun dried prickled vine)
it's the sadist in you coming out
(that always) make(s) me burn

[indian~summer]

thanks but i like it as is
leaves you wanting
its the way it should be
for me
but thanks for all the kind comments

[indian~summer]

there's a different between leaving you wanting more... and leaving you hangin... and what exactly do you suggest?

[Lather]

I like the imagery and the gradual, unpredictable change of tone. The ending is abrupt, but somehow it seems to be in sync with the frustration expressed in the last few lines. I don't think you need to slow the pace either, because although that would improve the structure, it would make the poem look... fake. Leave it how it is, good work!

[indian~summer]

thank you :D
it's not ment to be structured
i dislike 'form' and the way it 'should' be written
its the way i like it

I like the imagery and the gradual, unpredictable change of tone. The ending is abrupt, but somehow it seems to be in sync with the frustration expressed in the last few lines. I don't think you need to slow the pace either, because although that would improve the structure, it would make the poem look... fake. Leave it how it is, good work!

[Lather]

i dislike 'form' and the way it 'should' be written
Me too, that's why I liked it http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/biggrin.gif Keep them comin