The Other Pasture

[pagansrule!]

I wrote this piece recently, but I'm not quite sure if I like it. Please post your opinions!

The other side I traveled
Has lost its’ opulence.
Its beauty has unraveled
Now that I’ve crossed the fence.



I locked the gate behind me,
I threw away the key.
My conscience couldn’t find me.
I thought I would be free.



Euphoria propelled me
It masked me from the grey.
Ignorance compelled me
To build a life and stay.



As days and weeks combined
Into larger months and years,
I slowly came to find,
That pastures disappear.



So now I am surrounded,
By pale and wilting leaves.
Now I’m not confounded
By what makes rich men grieve.

[TrippinBTM]

It's pretty good and I like what you're saying; but reads rather stilted, with the way you seem to come to a full stop at the end most of the lines; it kind of breaks the poem up too much.

and "locking the gate and throwing away the key" is a bad cliche.

I hate to sound so critical, but I wanted to be honest. I think there is a real jewel here but the structure obscures it. At least for me.

[pagansrule!]

It's pretty good and I like what you're saying; but reads rather stilted, with the way you seem to come to a full stop at the end most of the lines; it kind of breaks the poem up too much.

and "locking the gate and throwing away the key" is a bad cliche.

I hate to sound so critical, but I wanted to be honest. I think there is a real jewel here but the structure obscures it. At least for me.
Yeah, I know what you mean, I think I had a good idea but it just didn't materialize as well as it should have. Oh well, it isn't the end of the world.

[Bunbury]

I rather like that. :) It comes across well. I agree with TrippinBTM on the gate/key thing, but I hadn't noticed that until it was pointed out. Nice work.


Peace,

Bunbury.