A long long long rant

[KozmicBlue]

I guess this isn't really a mental health problem.. unless you call a broken heart a mental problem.. but I didn't really know where else to put it.. And maybe I am having some mental issues coz I can't stop crying and I have all these insanely intense emotions inside me and it feels like they're eating me alive.. It feels like I'm going to explode coz there's so much anger and sadness and frustration and disappointment and bitterness inside me and I don't know at all what to do..

I lost someone who I love.. I love him with every inch of my body and soul.. I guess he stopped feeling that way about me, I don't know.. but anyway, it's over now and I don't know how to handle it.. Yes, I know, shit happens and everyone has to deal with that.. But I just can't deal with it coz it's too much, maybe I'm not strong enough.. I don't know.. And then there's all this other shit that's happening too and it's all just too much and it hurts so bad that I feel physically ill.. and what really scares me is all these feelings that I'm feeling and thoughts I'm thinking and I don't know how to make them go away.. this probably isn't making any sense to any of you.. It feels like my whole world is falling apart because I've lost the things that matter the most and everything else has just lost its meaning. The pain is just too much and I want it to go away. I guess my question for you guys is that how can I make it go away? I've tried so hard to ignore it by doing lots of excercising but my body can't handle it for much longer.. even though physical pain is much easier to handle. But I know ignoring everything isn't good either, I need a way to deal with it all but I dunno how..

What I hate the most is my own weakness.. I don't understand how I've been stupid enough to let myself to become so dependent on someone else and to let myself fall so in love with someone and be so happy when obviously it's never going to last.. I've been hurt so many times before, why would I let myself get so vulnerable again coz it's not worth opening your heart to someone when it's never gonna last..
And that right there is another thing I hate: I've become so bitter and angry. And I'm not used to feeling like that. It's like I'm a totally different person.. I don't know.. I'm so exhausted and I don't know what to do.. I don't really have any strength to do anything..

I dunno what was the point in writing all this.. maybe I just needed to rant, I don't know.. what do I do? I know time is supposed to heal and all that but I don't really see that happening because my feelings are just.. so huge.. too huge to keep them inside me.. I guess that's my problem.. Everything feels so overwhelmingly huge and I can't keep it inside me any longer.. I just wanna run away from it all and hide but I can't run away from my feelings and thoughts.. how do I deal with them? I feel like I'm such a pathetic loser for feeling this way because so many people have so much bigger problems and maybe I am just being stupid and this will all go away in time but right now.. it's too much for me to handle.. blaaahh.. :(

[ihmurria]

*hugest HUGS ever*

I'm so sorry babe...
and, as cheesy/common as this is, it takes time. Time to work through it, sort out your feelings, let your body and spirit heal. Have you checked out Samhain's forum? Might have some advice too (number 307, the sacred spiral)

[hippychickmommy]

Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.

Ihmurria's right, give yourself some time, this is all still so recent, and you need to allow yourself to grieve your loss, come to terms with it, and heal. It's going to be okay. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen, and in the end, you will be stronger because of it.

Right now I know your whole world is falling apart and it hurts so much inside, but it's going to get better. I promise.

Many hugs and healing vibes...

[Night_Owl49]

Trust me, I felt EXACTLY the same way. It took a lot of time...but I feel like I'm finally moving on. Words didn't help me through it because I felt like nothing could really match the pain.

Just stay strong and keep your chin up. Listen to some good music. =)

[KozmicBlue]

Thanks guys, your kind words mean a lot (even Brian's :p). For the past month I've just felt really lonely because not only did I lose a partner, I also lost my best friend.. he was both to me. But yea anyway, I've felt really lonely and so it's nice to know that you care.

[dietcoketree]

i dont know your circumstances but i do know that i am feeling pretty close to how you are. my boyfriend and i broke up because his father didnt approve of the relationship and basically told him it was me or him.

needless to say, i havnt talked to him in almost 2 WEEKS. my lifes been hell, i cant eat, sleep, be awake, walk, sit, and theres nothing that doesnt make me think of him. i also have questioned how did it get this way- how did i allow myself to become so attatched to the point where i cant FUNCTION without some other person?

it may sound strange, but the only thing that helps me feel remotely better is that it benefitted HIM. even though it hurts like hell for me, he chose whats best for him. and if hes happy, then i cant really complain. i love him, and his happiness makes me content.

i dont know if that will help you, but you sound deeply in love as am i, and love is not selfish. it wont take away all teh hurt, but just think of it as a change for the better for BOTH of you. hes happier now, and you will be later. i promis! :) i feel for you from the bottom of my aching heart. pm me if you want to talk. best wishes.

(im dealing with it also by writing a lot of poetry, and im making a book out of all of it. its thereputic for me. try to find a way to channel your hurt.) :)

[lynsey]

ahhhhh): Distance is so hard and if he wasn't strong enough to handle it it is no refelction on you. You are beautiful-I mean just stunning, your skin glows, your eyes are gorgeous and you have a great personality too. If HE was worth it he would have made it work. YOU are worth it and no one who would cause you this much pain is worth being messed up over.
I went through the same thing and I just had to realize that I am better than any man who will not do anything to have me in his arms. There are so many good guys out there. Send Patrick a wedding invitation when the one who does anything to keep you comes along. I'm sorry I don't mean to base on him as I know you still have feelings for him but he is a dumbass for letting you go...and he will realize it and then it will be too late...they always realize it when it is too late.

[KozmicBlue]

Okay well it seems like things are just getting worse.. I still can't sleep or eat properly, I keep having panic attacks which has never happened before and I'm just a mess in general and it's so strange because I'm not used to feeling like this at all.. I'm so scared of feeling all these feelings. :(

[questing400]

Maybe you should consider seeing someone? If you're having trouble controlling your thoughts and feelings that is pretty serious. And if in the last two weeks it has only gotten worse, that's a bad sign. Sometimes when people go through major life events (which I guess this sort of unofficially qualifies as because you are taking it so hard) they need either someone to talk to or even some temporary medication.

You shouldn't have to suffer...

[veggiegrl2006]

I know the exact feelings you are having. Eight months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I had a panic attack, when he talked about another girl. Anyway, I haven't talked to him in about six months. These eight months have been absolute hell.

Sleeping and eating has been very difficult. I have panic attacks. If I were you, I would not try to move on. Moving on hurts more than the current pain. I am trying to move on, to fill the void, but it is just too difficult.

I understand why you're scared. I was scared too, but that feeling will soon leave your body, but the pain will remain. I'm not sure of how close you were to him, but I was super close to my boyfriend. I got my first kiss from him, so I'm still very attached.

I know the feelings WILL pass. But I feel very fragile and numb inside. I hope you don't have to feel the feelings I have delt with.

-Bre-