confused
07-15-2004, 03:37 AM
OK, this is my situation.
About a year ago i started masturbating to homosexual porno, but i always climax to female porn. I never have any fantasies about men, especially ones i knew. I always have a crush on a girl all my life but ive never had a girlfriend and the only times ive been laid/hooked up with a girl i have been drunk. and i feel like i have oppurtinities to hook up with girls almost every night and get a girlfriend the same because i am a really likeable, funny, sensitive and good looking 19 yr old male just about everytime i masturbate it is to shemale porn, but then i put on straight porn when i want to climax becuase i can only fantasize about females. around my community, although peopel are tolerant superficially i dont know anyone who has come out as a homosexual. i do not know if im a gay, but i can never initiate intimate situations with girls and i thought it was because deep down inside i am a homosexual becuase of the fact that i masturbate to transgendered and gay porn (mainly transgendered, because i am repelled by the masculine body, but becuase the penis has always been so tabboo i find myself attracted to it becuase i am a person who is attracted to the tabboo and far out). Right now i am starting to be involved with this girl, who i have been infatuated with for a long time but she has had a boyfriend for as long as i have known her. when she had a boyfriend she told me that she liked me but we couldnt hook up becuase of her situation and she was so dependent and attached to her boyfriend it wuold be unrealistic for her to break up with him for me. now she is on a break with him and i think that she expects me to make the move with her and although there is nothing i want to do more than hook up with her and be her boyfriend something inside me is stopping me from doing it spur on the moment, and becuase of her situation with her boyfriend i dont think seh would allow us hooking up ahead of time, and the only way i seem to be able to hook up with girls is by talking about it with them ahead of time which isnt very romantic and most girls dont seem to dig this, but for some reason, maybe its becuase im not romantic, i am unable to do just hook up with her like that even though i know we have chemistry. And the problem is, i feel like that if there is a girl that i like this is her, and if i dont be with her, im gay. and im a really obsessive compulsive and anxious person and i always rationalize that i am gay, but it just doesnt seem right because i couldnt see myself ever romantically with another man, but i think i notice when men are good looking and when they are not, but htis is a very new thing and im not sure if it is because im an obssessive compulsive person and my "ego" needs to have some irrational fear to attach itself to and this seems like it. and i always say im going to meet the perfect girl and this girl is the closest thing to that but i feel like if i dont make the move soon im going to lose my chance like i always do. i find i will do anything this girl, even betray my best friend and i prioritize her over everything. and i think she is starting to see how insecure i am. And sometimes i think that maybe i want a girl so bad becuase im lonely, and not because im straight, but i could never see myself with a man, and in my thoughts i always see myself with a girl and married and i always fantasize about it, but sometimes my ego tells me its because society has conditioned me to feel that the way to happiness is through a happy marriage and a family, and i always have htese feelings that the reason why i like girls is because society and culture has conditioned me to feel that straight love and pretty girls are the keys to happiness? I feel so bad too, because i feel like i tease girls because ill chase them and the ill get them and theyll like me and then ill never make the move. Is this a predicament any homosexuals find themselves in as they are coming of age and finding themselves not to be as straight as they thought, or is this what freud talks about when he talks about how everyone is bicurious?
About a year ago i started masturbating to homosexual porno, but i always climax to female porn. I never have any fantasies about men, especially ones i knew. I always have a crush on a girl all my life but ive never had a girlfriend and the only times ive been laid/hooked up with a girl i have been drunk. and i feel like i have oppurtinities to hook up with girls almost every night and get a girlfriend the same because i am a really likeable, funny, sensitive and good looking 19 yr old male just about everytime i masturbate it is to shemale porn, but then i put on straight porn when i want to climax becuase i can only fantasize about females. around my community, although peopel are tolerant superficially i dont know anyone who has come out as a homosexual. i do not know if im a gay, but i can never initiate intimate situations with girls and i thought it was because deep down inside i am a homosexual becuase of the fact that i masturbate to transgendered and gay porn (mainly transgendered, because i am repelled by the masculine body, but becuase the penis has always been so tabboo i find myself attracted to it becuase i am a person who is attracted to the tabboo and far out). Right now i am starting to be involved with this girl, who i have been infatuated with for a long time but she has had a boyfriend for as long as i have known her. when she had a boyfriend she told me that she liked me but we couldnt hook up becuase of her situation and she was so dependent and attached to her boyfriend it wuold be unrealistic for her to break up with him for me. now she is on a break with him and i think that she expects me to make the move with her and although there is nothing i want to do more than hook up with her and be her boyfriend something inside me is stopping me from doing it spur on the moment, and becuase of her situation with her boyfriend i dont think seh would allow us hooking up ahead of time, and the only way i seem to be able to hook up with girls is by talking about it with them ahead of time which isnt very romantic and most girls dont seem to dig this, but for some reason, maybe its becuase im not romantic, i am unable to do just hook up with her like that even though i know we have chemistry. And the problem is, i feel like that if there is a girl that i like this is her, and if i dont be with her, im gay. and im a really obsessive compulsive and anxious person and i always rationalize that i am gay, but it just doesnt seem right because i couldnt see myself ever romantically with another man, but i think i notice when men are good looking and when they are not, but htis is a very new thing and im not sure if it is because im an obssessive compulsive person and my "ego" needs to have some irrational fear to attach itself to and this seems like it. and i always say im going to meet the perfect girl and this girl is the closest thing to that but i feel like if i dont make the move soon im going to lose my chance like i always do. i find i will do anything this girl, even betray my best friend and i prioritize her over everything. and i think she is starting to see how insecure i am. And sometimes i think that maybe i want a girl so bad becuase im lonely, and not because im straight, but i could never see myself with a man, and in my thoughts i always see myself with a girl and married and i always fantasize about it, but sometimes my ego tells me its because society has conditioned me to feel that the way to happiness is through a happy marriage and a family, and i always have htese feelings that the reason why i like girls is because society and culture has conditioned me to feel that straight love and pretty girls are the keys to happiness? I feel so bad too, because i feel like i tease girls because ill chase them and the ill get them and theyll like me and then ill never make the move. Is this a predicament any homosexuals find themselves in as they are coming of age and finding themselves not to be as straight as they thought, or is this what freud talks about when he talks about how everyone is bicurious?