I don't know what to do

[lynsey]

I have finally concured my addiction to xanax, been over a week now since I finished tapering off and have been free. Today I check my voice mail and there's a call from my old pharmacy saying my perscription has been filled. I call up not knowing what it is because I hadn't called anything in and it's a perscription for xanax that I had one last refill on from one of the doctor I was seeing when I was getting multiple persriptions for benzos. I tried to fill this perscription a month early last month and they said no and called my doctor and found out I was seeing multiple doctors and using multiple pharmacies.
I haven't taken one yet and here is my dilema.: I think I am over the addiction but I know there is a possibility of getting addicted again very quick but also I have finals next week, a couple of flights I have to take this summer and need them for these things. I was taking 10-20 of these a day when I was suppossed to be taking 1/2 of one at bedtime. Plus it's a bottle of 90 peach ones so this is an amount that I can easily develop a habit again off of and it's scary. Should I give them away (to somone like my grandparents who use them in the correct way) or keep them and try to use them only when I need them? I do not know how I will get on a plane without them or handle my last day at my job next week without them.

[dhs]

flush them down the toilet and be done with them. you don't 'need' them.

[lynsey]

...easier said than doneflush them down the toilet and be done with them. you don't 'need' them.

[dhs]

I know, I'm not saying its easy. I'm sure its very hard. As you are aware, I've got my own fair share of addictions. Just saying what I think you should do, that's all

[lynsey]

:) thanks I do appreciatte the advice things just haven't been going my way lately and sometimes it's too much to handle.I know, I'm not saying its easy. I'm sure its very hard. As you are aware, I've got my own fair share of addictions. Just saying what I think you should do, that's all

[fritz]

You could also sell them..Buy something else that will make you feel good. Or sell them to help pay a bill.

[Raving Sultan]

you could send them to me. joking aside, avoidance can be your friend. jog, fuck, eat, do anything BUT take them.

[spooner]

you're looking at roughly 5 years before the addiction is completely gone.

[lynsey]

seriously? why so long? they are sitting on my dresser I haven't taken one yet. it htink I have it under control I went to power yoga and then meditation when my cravings got intense and I feel pretty in control. I am going to need them to fly.you're looking at roughly 5 years before the addiction is completely gone.

[andcrs2]

Flush'em.
You can find another less destructive way to deal with Life...... look within.

[spooner]

seriously? why so long? they are sitting on my dresser I haven't taken one yet. it htink I have it under control I went to power yoga and then meditation when my cravings got intense and I feel pretty in control. I am going to need them to fly.
nearly all addictions take that long.

[lynsey]

): I gave my mom 6 to keep for me for my flight and flushed the restnearly all addictions take that long.

[DancerAnnie]

You said you "need" them for finals and for a flight...

Honestly, if you still feel that you "need" them...then you haven't kicked your addiction at all.

[indescribability]

): I gave my mom 6 to keep for me for my flight and flushed the rest

Well, that was going to be my suggestion. I'm really proud of you lynsey.

[Peanuts]

Is there an alternative you can use for flying? Ativan? Something mild that won't suck you back in?

Good deal on flushing them. I'm sure that wasn't an easy decision.

[lynsey]

I was even more hooked on ativan than I was on xanax, it's just the withdrawls for ativan were easier. I was addicted to valium as well and kolonpin so there's nothing they can give me and they won't give me anything anymore and if I ever need pain meds again (which I have never been addicted to) the they are going to make me regester with pain management so I can't have more than one doctor/pharmacist. I just feel like I have no alternative, usually I drink on the plane if I can't take them but both are buisness trips and my mentor is picking me up from the airport so I can't drink.

Since I can't get anymore xanax I think I'll be okay. My friends knew what I went through and would never get any for me or let me buy any, my family won't give me theirs and notices were sent to all my doctors and pharmacies. I can't see going through withdrawls again off of 6. That's mainly what I am concerned about is the withdrawls. I never want to go through anything like that again. I thought I was going to die.

Is there an alternative you can use for flying? Ativan? Something mild that won't suck you back in?

Good deal on flushing them. I'm sure that wasn't an easy decision.

[lynsey]

hah no I work in social services I KNOW most people have it far worse off than me. i don'tt alk to people about stuff like this. my friends know because i walked around wasted all the time for months. I exercise like crazy because it's the only way to curb my anxiety. My psychiatrist got me started on the drugs it's not like I was like hey I have problems let me go get some pills. I got addicted under a doctors aupervision and it got out of control.
Do you seriously not think I know this? -no offense but...Do you seriously think you're the only one with issues?... not everyone that has problems needs to turn to drugs...
There are better, healthier ways to cope...
Venting to friends... talking about your problems, excersize etc...
short term fix's lead to short term cures...

[lynsey]

Thank you Adam :) *hugs*Well, that was going to be my suggestion. I'm really proud of you lynsey.

[lynsey]

hah the garbage man took them this morning...I want them back lol, which means it's a good thing I got rid of them I guess sorta...):i'll have them...

[lynsey]

:) I appreciatte it. I am blunt and honest but I can't deal when other people are sometimes d: You do listen very well and you gave me my teddy bear back last night, which was very nice even though it had your jizz all over it d:

I don't have messenger (I know...) but it's nice to know I can talk to you, especially about the dietary stuff. The amount of weight you lost and in a healthy way is incredible and eating healthy has always been a challenge for me because up until a couple years ago I was always naturally thin and never worried about what I ate):

My point was you were saying you had to use those pills because life was just to much to handle...
You were using them as a crutch...
I was simply saying there are better ways to cope than with drugs...
and I'm sure you're aware... sometimes you just need things spelled out in black and white (I know I do from time to time)

Furthermore...
If you have MSN messenger add me:jaded_an_fading@hotmail.com

I'd love to here more about you... I listen very well... and who knows having someone you can be blunt and open with that we be the same way with you, may be quite benificial...

You've admitted you have a problem, that's the first step...

[lynsey]

lol no they're like valium but with a shorter half-life so you get bad withdrawls

god I can't believe how much I know about pills now I really did have a problem I can't believe it): I mean I just feel kinda low and embarasssed about it a lot
are they all kind of like oxies?

[lynsey]

oxies are a painkiller and an opiate...they cause your brain to produce opiates 'hence the high feeling'.

Xanax is a benzo. It causes you to be relaxed and a little bit sedated and causes a high feeling in some because it slows down dopamine receptors so you have all this extra dopamine floating around.
two totally different feelings.

There is no difference from illegal drugs I just do not like to be addicted to anything. I quit smoking weed when I strated to not be able to sleep or eat without it. but would have no problem doing any sort of drug on occasion at all.
how are they different than oxies?

what is the difference between any of them?

i'm curious...do they have different highs?

what is the difference between this and doing any illegal drug? :)

[fritz]

Glad to see you're holding it together, lynsey. :cool:

[lynsey]

thank you :) I'm really trying and am lucky to have good friends and family :) I have a great support systemGlad to see you're holding it together, lynsey. :cool:

[Xac]

20 pills is incredible, i use to do 4 0.5's a night and i thought that was heavy.


Lynsey i understand the feeling of needing Xanax, like many i took them for anxiety but what i did notice was withdrawing from them induced a panic attack itself so going with out them when you have anxiety gives you an intense feeling of need.

[lynsey]

It does I just phene for them sometimes so bad. I wasn't even this bad when I quit smoking that was nothing compared to this. I was taking 10-20 .5's and about 4 ativans or valiums a day I was fucked up all the time. I never want to be like that again.20 pills is incredible, i use to do 4 0.5's a night and i thought that was heavy.


Lynsey i understand the feeling of needing Xanax, like many i took them for anxiety but what i did notice was withdrawing from them induced a panic attack itself so going with out them when you have anxiety gives you an intense feeling of need.

[zeppelin kid]

xanax should be the least of your worries. It could be a lot worse like being addicted to OC's and then you should be worried.

[spooner]

actually, there is a small percentage of the population who have adverse addiction reactions to benzodiazapenes, and their withdrawl is much harder and longer than average.

[lynsey]

I can just shoot myself I just took one like 10 minutes ago why?????????? i was doing soo good. my mom hid them from me in her ligerie drawer and i searched and found them i feel so weak and yuck ive been so strng latey-not ne single fucking addiction and now i am back to this shit and thinking now about how i can change my provider and get more...its fucking sick as hell

[Xac]

I can just shoot myself I just took one like 10 minutes ago why?????????? i was doing soo good. my mom hid them from me in her ligerie drawer and i searched and found them i feel so weak and yuck ive been so strng latey-not ne single fucking addiction and now i am back to this shit and thinking now about how i can change my provider and get more...its fucking sick as hell
Lynsey please dont give up, i know its hard but it's for the best and Lynsey please dont be so hard on yourself, yes you fucked up, you shouldn't have taken it but that one mistake doesnt undo all your hard work, PLEASE DONT GIVE UP.

[lynsey]

ahhhhhhhh iloe them so much though i love how i feel right now i hate myself for fucking up i hate myself so bad right now but i don't care because i love this feeling more than i hate myself. i feel euphoric and attractive and i just ;lve it. why is it wrong to be on drugs all th time?Lynsey please dont give up, i know its hard but it's for the best and Lynsey please dont be so hard on yourself, yes you fucked up, you shouldn't have taken it but that one mistake doesnt undo all your hard work, PLEASE DONT GIVE UP.

[Xac]

ahhhhhhhh iloe them so much though i love how i feel right now i hate myself for fucking up i hate myself so bad right now but i don't care because i love this feeling more than i hate myself. i feel euphoric and attractive and i just ;lve it. why is it wrong to be on drugs all th time?
It's not wrong if you can function lynsey, but you need to ask yourself do they make you happy overall?

You shouldnt hate yourself you seem like such a lovely person and you certainly shouldnt need drugs to feel sexy... although i know Xanax can do that!

[lynsey]

hah I've been hitting the gym 12 hours a week for the past month and felt no improvement and no i just looked in the mirror and i am like shiiiizzzzzzzznnaaaaaaaaat i freaking got it going on and have no arm fat left but off of xanax i feel like the homliest girl on the planet even though in my head i know this is not true im just gonna enjoy it and take a bubble bath right now and think about it more in the morning.
hugs yallllllllllIt's not wrong if you can function lynsey, but you need to ask yourself do they make you happy overall?

You shouldnt hate yourself you seem like such a lovely person and you certainly shouldnt need drugs to feel sexy... although i know Xanax can do that!

[DancerAnnie]

hah I've been hitting the gym 12 hours a week for the past month and felt no improvement and no i just looked in the mirror and i am like shiiiizzzzzzzznnaaaaaaaaat i freaking got it going on and have no arm fat left but off of xanax i feel like the homliest girl on the planet even though in my head i know this is not true im just gonna enjoy it and take a bubble bath right now and think about it more in the morning.
hugs yallllllllll
Honestly, I think this goes beyond the xanax...it sounds like you have a lot more demons to slay. Please get help for your addiction, lyns. It doesn't sound like you can do it on your own...because there are issues a lot deeper than this.

[lynsey]

I was in a really bad place last night and let somone get to me, the same person who made me feel so crappy when this addiction started. not blaming him. I am the one who chose to take it. but I really wish people would be kind enough to respect my wishes when I say 'i have finals and am stressed i cannot talk to you you're not a healthy person for me' i mean is it really that hard to respect that and not suck somone back into your little sadistic kingdom?
I hate the place I go to get therapy, it's horrible. I think I just need to have some self-control and get it together. i was doing really well until last night. I took today off because i need to focus on me and study and get it together and not worry about anyone else or anything else. i just need a day alone and to myself.
thanks for being honest Annie I know it's a lot harder than being apathetic :)Honestly, I think this goes beyond the xanax...it sounds like you have a lot more demons to slay. Please get help for your addiction, lyns. It doesn't sound like you can do it on your own...because there are issues a lot deeper than this.

[DancerAnnie]

I was in a really bad place last night and let somone get to me, the same person who made me feel so crappy when this addiction started. not blaming him. I am the one who chose to take it. but I really wish people would be kind enough to respect my wishes when I say 'i have finals and am stressed i cannot talk to you you're not a healthy person for me' i mean is it really that hard to respect that and not suck somone back into your little sadistic kingdom?
I hate the place I go to get therapy, it's horrible. I think I just need to have some self-control and get it together. i was doing really well until last night. I took today off because i need to focus on me and study and get it together and not worry about anyone else or anything else. i just need a day alone and to myself.
thanks for being honest Annie I know it's a lot harder than being apathetic :)
Maybe you just need to find a different therapist? I've read some of your posts before that said something along the lines of them blaming your mother for what happened to you as a kid...that doesn't sound like the kind of therapist that would actually help you. Shop around...once you find a good one, I think maybe it might help a lot. Addictions aren't always something you can break on your own.

[lynsey]

Thank you :) my insurance is just so horrible right now in terms of mental health. they sent me to county mental health and ive tried several therapists there and they are demeaning and horrible. i remember when i went as a kid it was this nice cozy little office, very kind people, not pushy ): I think I am going to try something out of my insurance like maybe a community clinic or something? I just have to be careful because a lot of these agencies that provide low cost therapy i work with and no one would guess i had this sort of stuff going on. I mean I just am so good at being fake and happy all the time...blahhhh. i'm supossed to have kaiser with my new job and i live their therapists but i know i need help in between then. and most importantly i need to stay away from people and things that cause me to relapse. I just had a bad week, school, my notice at work, my ex fiance calling me and not having a pleasant convesation, my ex boyfriend playing his sadistic mind games. it's just too much sometimes. sometimes life feels like it is too much to deal with ):Maybe you just need to find a different therapist? I've read some of your posts before that said something along the lines of them blaming your mother for what happened to you as a kid...that doesn't sound like the kind of therapist that would actually help you. Shop around...once you find a good one, I think maybe it might help a lot. Addictions aren't always something you can break on your own.

[DancerAnnie]

LIfe isn't always easy, and sometimes we are delt a bad hand. Things improve, things go bad, things are OK, things are great, things get crappy again. It's sort of a cycle that we all go through. It's how we deal with those things that are important.

I think you've probably used medication as a crutch to deal with these things instead of dealing with them at face value and with a clear mind.

I wish you the best of luck, lyns. Addiction isn't easy to deal with...just believe in yourself and find someone skilled in the particular area to talk to...I think it will help a lot.

[lynsey]

thank you Annie :) *hugs*LIfe isn't always easy, and sometimes we are delt a bad hand. Things improve, things go bad, things are OK, things are great, things get crappy again. It's sort of a cycle that we all go through. It's how we deal with those things that are important.

I think you've probably used medication as a crutch to deal with these things instead of dealing with them at face value and with a clear mind.

I wish you the best of luck, lyns. Addiction isn't easy to deal with...just believe in yourself and find someone skilled in the particular area to talk to...I think it will help a lot.

[Peanuts]

Thinking of you Lynsey. :) I hope you are having a better day today.

[lynsey]

:) thank you Laura my day was awesome and relaxing and productive and now I'm gonna let myself have some fun, which I haven't done in a long time but since I am maxed out from studying...it's okay even though I have a final in two days...right? arghhh I feel horribley guilty d:Thinking of you Lynsey. :) I hope you are having a better day today.