Eating Disorder

[dietcoketree]

Ever had or HAVE one?

What kind? I dont want this to become somewhere where people who dont have food issues to come and get 'tips' but i do want to be able to talk about how your manage your 'disorder,' just because it feels a lot safer than talking to a parent or friend.

So go ahead, share.

[interval_illusion]

i had bulimic tendencies and actions but stopped it before it got outta hand or a full disorder.

[barefoot beautiful]

i've struggled with anorexia/anorexic tendencies for about 5 years now....though not nearly so much anymore. it took me all that time to come to the realisation that there are so many things that matter so much more than my weight, appearance, or sense of control....and having realised this, i'm finding that my ED's largely fading out of my life. i guess that's how i manage it...keep my focus on others and allow that to occupy the space once inhabited solely by disordered thinking. had no idea how much time, energy, and just LIFE an ED steals until i started letting go of it....

i do still count calories and go for long runs if i eat too much, but even these last two holdouts are losing their importance in my life.

[hippychickmommy]

I've been both Anorexic and Bulemic. Diagnosed at 9 years old with Anorexia, amd the Bulemia showed up in my teenage years. I've avoided my physically destructive habits for quite some time now, but I still struggle with a distorted self image and self esteem issues, and I go through my times where I obsess over my weight and what I eat to the point of ridiculous. It can take over my life at times, which is something I struggle with. I am slowly trying to come to terms with myself, and love who I am, no matter what. It's a difficult road, but I feel that I can get there.

[badwolf]

People think I have an eating disorder.
But I don't so and I never have.
I'm just ridiculously conscious of what I put into my body.
9 out of 10 times I'll refuse what people give to me because its either not vegan or not organic.
Yes, I'm a bit of a prick to eat with...
Otherwise I LOVE food, especially healthy homemade food.

[Apples+Oranjes]

oh god, this could get long...
I've had a huge history of anorexia and bulimia, sometimes separate from each other, and sometimes both at once.

It started when I was about 11, and progressed from there. I don't even know how it started to tell you the truth, nor do I remember how or why I started eating so little. I just remember that all my friends were so worried and always taking me to the school counselors office and I couldn't understand why they were so worried, because I honestly thought I was okay.

When I hit 13, I started abusing laxatives. It became a problem, I started bleeding, and I stopped.... the anorexia continued until I was about 15 or 16, sometimes stronger than other times; when I was about 15 or 16, it took a turn for the worse. I began abusing laxatives again, on top of abusing diuretics, diet pills, ephedra, physically purging, and over exercise. A larger case of bulimia than I had ever experienced. My mom immediately took me to a therapist that specialized in E.D.'s.

Before things started getting better, the disorder took a turn back to the anorexic tendencies and there were periods of as much as 10 days where I wouldn't eat a thing, except drink some water. I was starting to pass out multiple times a day...It was getting to the point where I couldn't ignore my problem anymore and it was destroying my body, my quality of life, and my happiness. So, I took it upon myself to listen to what my therapist had to say for once...and started improving bit by bit...

I met my fiancee when I was 17. He met me when I was about 5'6" and only 90 pounds. I remember the first time I had a date with him, I passed out because I hadn't eaten in 5 days.

He became worried and started joining me when I went to my therapy sessions.

It helped a lot, because what I was too afraid to mention, he would for me.

Finally, things started getting better, and I went vegan. When I went vegan, it was a major help to me, because the whole disorder centered around my constant obsession with self control and making a huge step like going vegan, really helped center that in a healthy way for me.

It's been just over a year now and I consider myself recovered.

The thoughts, and bad self-image pop up every now and again, but now I have control of it.

It was just a constant battle.... and this is just a brief summary of all that it entailed.... this doesn't even cover all the fuckin pain my parents had to endure, the boyfriends and friends that I lost, the long-term/permanent bodily damage I did to myself, the lack of a real high school diploma [because I missed so much school because I was bed ridden, I had to end up getting an HSED my last year of school because I was too far behind]

etc.

If you're struggling with an E.D. right now I STRONGLY STRONGLY urge you to get help for it NOW. The sooner the better. You don't want to go through the grusome shit that I had to. Trust me.

[dietcoketree]

thnak you for sharing. i very much appriciate it.

[Apples+Oranjes]

No problem at all. Feel free to PM me if you want to elaborate on the topic at all :)

[Persephone81]

yes and I honestly wish I were anorexic again.

[Apples+Oranjes]

that's a terrible thing to say....

[prismatism]

i think i am on the path to anorexia (or maybe i already am there), and it's weird because i know that it's a bad thing, but i really don't want to eat more because i feel like i already am bigger than i want to be.

i count calories, and i did write down everything i ate (every single bite) but it started to take over my life to where i didn't think about much else. i would always round up calories to the nearest hundred (if i ate something that was 150 calories, i'd count it as 200, and if i didn't know, i would over-estimate) and if i went over 1,700 (which was actually probably only 1,300) i would feel really bad about myself. i'd have to go for a run or do crunches. not that i would feel good about myself if i rounded out at 1,000. then i would just stand in front of the mirror and imagine how much thinner i could be.

i don't know why i'm speaking in past tense :). it's only in the past if you count my last meal as "past". the only difference is instead of writing things down, i only keep a mental list.

my advice is try to eat lots of things that aren't packaged, so you judge whether or not you need to eat on your hunger instead of numbers.

[interval_illusion]

that's a terrible thing to say....i seem to agree with you a lot about things :) that is exactly what i was gonna say

i didnt say it because i started to think if that is really how she feels, its less terrible and more sad. i blame society for this... if she does have a few extra pounds, there are healthy ways to deal with it without resorting to extremes that arent healthy and dont work.

if she doesnt... or has a more curvy body type... she should realize curves and a little extra weight are sexier really then being too thin.... as long as you are healthy you show apprieciatte a few pounds.

i was too skinny for a long time (just by my body type)- and when i gained some weight.... even maybe a little too much i still looked better to most people and more alive

[Apples+Oranjes]

I agree interval.

Something really disturbed me the other day, and that's part of why what she said bothered me a lot...

I am a member of xanga, and came across a girls profile which had a big banner across the top that read: "Anorexia is a lifestyle not a disease"

It made me want to put my fist through the screen. After all the pain I went through in dealing with my eating disorder, seeing and hearing things like that make me so upset inside. It IS a disease.

One time, when I went to the doctor while I was still recovering, I asked the nurse to weigh me facing backwards [for obvious reasons] and she asked why, I told her and she said "Oh sometimes I wish I could be anorexic!"

My mom was with and instantly turned red in the face and said "NO YOU DON'T!"

It's terrible that even those who should know better....still just don't.

[dietcoketree]

its pretty scary. i work with a girl who i beleive is honestly anorexic. i cant explain the tear in my heart i feel whenever i see her say something about food- because i COMPLETLY understand what shes saying.

but its not even about food. im so confused. what is it all about?
its not that i want to look like a rail. i dont. its not that i just dont like food, cause i do. its almost like im in some kind of denial towards every aspect of my life just so i can 'win' over food.

ive started a lot of fights with my mom lately that make no sense. i yell at her becasue she seems to plan events all around what we will be eating (ex. birthday cake at a birthday). i know its dumb, but at the time, i just get so fustrated. WHY does EVERYTHING have to be about food? i also got mad at her because she bought me cereal with yogurt bites in it instead of the low carb version of all-bran. (one of the only foods ill let myself eat).my mom must really love me to deal with all that. i dont know what im turning into.

but i really dont think id stop it either, which is the scary thing. talking about it now its easy to say "yea ill stop," but as soon as lunchtime rolls around, i know i will head to the library by myself to escape the situation entirely.

[hippychickmommy]

I used to get weighed facing backwards, or close my eyes, and I would tell the nurse not to tell me what the scale read. Some of those stupid women would announce my weight out loud anyway even after I had begged them not to. Now what the heck was that about? Shouldn't there have been some compassion? I suppose I could have reported it to the doctor, but I didn't. Now I just refuse to get weighed. I get attitude for it, rolled eyes, sighs of irritation, but I'm not going to step on the scale and end up hysterical and obsessing over the numbers. http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/sad.gif My husband has forbid me to have a scale in the house. It's a good thing too, because I could easily become obsessed with the numbers again.

If I were able to choose, I'd definitely choose not to have an eating disorder. At times, it totally controls my life, and that's no way to live.

[wiggy]

I've never had any eating dosorder but I know people who have and they are horrible - but why is it always women? I know a few men get it to though

I dont think anyone can understand an illness unless they have it themselfs and from my point why waste food, why use resorces when you can diet - as I said I dont understand them but thats whats its like to me!!!!!!

[Apples+Oranjes]

its pretty scary. i work with a girl who i beleive is honestly anorexic. i cant explain the tear in my heart i feel whenever i see her say something about food- because i COMPLETLY understand what shes saying.

but its not even about food. im so confused. what is it all about?
its not that i want to look like a rail. i dont. its not that i just dont like food, cause i do. its almost like im in some kind of denial towards every aspect of my life just so i can 'win' over food.

ive started a lot of fights with my mom lately that make no sense. i yell at her becasue she seems to plan events all around what we will be eating (ex. birthday cake at a birthday). i know its dumb, but at the time, i just get so fustrated. WHY does EVERYTHING have to be about food? i also got mad at her because she bought me cereal with yogurt bites in it instead of the low carb version of all-bran. (one of the only foods ill let myself eat).my mom must really love me to deal with all that. i dont know what im turning into.

but i really dont think id stop it either, which is the scary thing. talking about it now its easy to say "yea ill stop," but as soon as lunchtime rolls around, i know i will head to the library by myself to escape the situation entirely.I know how you feel to a T....
It makes me sad to hear other people who deal with that, but at the same time its comforting...does that make sense? Because most people DONT understand it...when someone actually does, it's like FINALLY...

Since I'm almost 20 I don't get in fights with my parents over food very much anymore, but I know how that scenario goes, most definitely.

I remember my dad always trying to take me out to eat because he knew I had a problem, and I would try not to order anything and he would scream, or if I did I would only take a few bites and we would fight, in the middle of the restaurant. It was terrible, humiliating, and I felt bad, but I couldn't seem to be any other way.

I think I'll always have an issue with it, if not physically, always mentally... It's something that I really have to work to control, otherwise it attacks me again. It's honestly the worst aspect of my life....

I can't even get into detail because it's almost too gutwrenching to physically type it out...

And to anyone who really thinks an ED is just about losing weight and being "pretty" ... think again.
I lost so much of my life thanks to this fucking demon. And I get to spend the rest of my life battling it, to keep it away, and keep myself healthy.

[Apples+Oranjes]

I've never had any eating dosorder but I know people who have and they are horrible - but why is it always women? I know a few men get it to though

I dont think anyone can understand an illness unless they have it themselfs and from my point why waste food, why use resorces when you can diet - as I said I dont understand them but thats whats its like to me!!!!!!Well I give you props for admitting you don't understand because a lot of people seem to have troubles admitting they don't know things. That's the biggest issue centering around EDs is, too many people think they know, when they really don't.

I honestly believe that many men have eating disorders but fail to admit it and acknowledge it. Guys, from what I noticed, rarely admit when they are ill with ANYTHING. And something that society has already stereotyped as a "woman" problem, makes it even harder for guys to feel comfortable in fessing up to dealing with something like an eating disorder.

I know so many guys who work out for hours and hours everyday, but no one thinks anything of it because society leads us to believe men SHOULD do that to be buff and all that crap, but in reality.... it's just as much of a problem. If a woman worked out 6 hours a day, she'd most likely be diagnosed with an eating disorder.

And the fact that some of those men go to lengths such as taking steroids and what have you, are common traits of an eating disorder. Just because they aren't diet pills, and it isn't a woman taking them doesn't make it any less.... see what I'm sayin?

There may or might not be as many men that have a problem with EDs, but I think there are a LOT more cases than anyone even knows of.

That's just my point of view though.

And, further more... I don't look past men with eating disorders by any means, because my dad struggles with one. He doesn't realize it, or want to...one of the two, but it's clear to everyone else.

In any time of stress, he decides to just stop eating. And that's that. And every other time, he's counting calories and being anal about everything he eats....more than anyone ever should be. If he eats a chocolate bar, then he will feel guilty about it, and go into this big long speech about why he shouldn't have eaten that and how he's going to get fat now.

My dad is skinny as hell and he's always complaining that he needs to lose weight.

I really believe that the biggest factor of my eating disorder is not just hereditary, but growing up around that...both my parents were like that, and I really think it sort of etched this idea in my head that controlling food is a BIG DEAL.

[dietcoketree]

apples and oranges (wonder if that name relates..), thanks for being so open about this. its even hard for me to just talk about it to people just online because some part of me just keeps telling myself its really not that big of a deal and its not worth even discussing. i know what you mean- it is good to know that im not alone in this cave of feelings i have seemed to trap myself inside.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Well, I've been dealing with it since I was 11... I was so oblivious to it until I was 16. Maybe not so much oblivious as much as, I too didn't want to acknowledge that it was a big deal.

The only way I ever seem to ward off this demon is by talking about it. Unfortunately there isn't much of anyone in my real, waking life that I can talk to.

[p.s. Apples + Oranjes was chosen because I'm a big Smashing Pumpkins fan. The song is actually APPELS [spelled wrong] but I have mild dyslexia and typed it wrong lol]

[dietcoketree]

i remember being 8 years old and disgusted with myself.then i remember being in gym class wanting to leave because i didnt feel like i could talk about 'body' things.. and ever since then things have escalated to the point at which i am now.

i really have no one to talk to either- my friend claims to be bulimic but she does it in such a parading way that its purely for attention. i dont know...

[mrsmorrison27]

i have been anorexic for a year. but mine is like. i have to completely starve myself, if i eat one thing, i binge and binge and binge. i would go through times when i would lost so much weight, and then have ot eat cause i would feel like i was gonna pass out, and then binge for weeks and gain it all back, and feel disgusted with myself and starve again. so i think i fucked up my metabolism, but im in the process of losing weight the healthy way. its hard, because im so tempted everyday to starve myself again, but my mom threatend to commit me to a mental house, so i have to eat healthy now. but im getting better its really hard tho.

[dietcoketree]

[QUOTE=mrsmorrison27]i have to completely starve myself, if i eat one thing, i binge and binge and binge. i would go through times when i would lost so much weight, and then have ot eat cause i would feel like i was gonna pass out, and then binge for weeks and gain it all back, and feel disgusted with myself and starve again. QUOTE]

yea. totally me too.

[barefoot beautiful]

but mine is like. i have to completely starve myself, if i eat one thing, i binge and binge and binge. i would go through times when i would lost so much weight, and then have ot eat cause i would feel like i was gonna pass out, and then binge for weeks and gain it all back, and feel disgusted with myself and starve again. i was the same for 5 years...used to go days without eating, and then binge a couple days worth of food in a matter of hours after finally giving in to eating a bowl of cereal. to get past that, i finally had to just put up with the binges until my body decided that it was no longer starving...gained some weight and looked like shit during that time, but i`ve actually lost a bit of weight since my metabolism`s readjusted itself for healthy eating. it is tough to stick with being healthy, but it`s so worth it....

[dietcoketree]

yea.. im the same with all of that- i hate how you just decide to just decide to eat one thing and next thing you know, youve lost all control. and then its like shit now i cant eat for 5 days.

[Apples+Oranjes]

i remember being 8 years old and disgusted with myself.then i remember being in gym class wanting to leave because i didnt feel like i could talk about 'body' things.. and ever since then things have escalated to the point at which i am now.

i really have no one to talk to either- my friend claims to be bulimic but she does it in such a parading way that its purely for attention. i dont know...
Yeah... I first started feeling unhappy with my appearance when I was about 4... I was in ballet from the age of 4 til I was about 11... then I joined again when I was 14.

And, I remember going to ballet when I was that little, looking at the other little girls, and looking at myself and feeling ashamed.

Apparently, when I was just 5 I came home from kindergarten one day and asked my mom if I was too fat, and she said no and asked me why I would say that and I told her because I noticed I was bigger than the other kids [I wasn't fat, but I was a little chubby]

The thing is.... I don't remember how it started really, it's a big blur, and I didn't know what I was doing and what was going on...it may have been about weight it might not have... all I know is now, and in the past few years it has been NOTHING about weight and appearace, honestly....

I have a control issue, especially when it comes to food.... and when I'm feeling out of control in my life, I tend to start controlling my intake of food to almost nothing, as if it's almost reflex.

As I said before though... it's not really uncommon for my family

[Apples+Oranjes]

And in reply to the last few ....I was like that big time when I was about 16. The therapist I saw actually considered it a bulimic pattern more than anything because my periods of starvation were like purging what I ate before hand.

I struggled with the common type of bulimia as well, which was a very ugly, intense experience. I'd have to say that was almost more hell than any experience I ever had with anorexia.... there was just something so emotionally draining about it. It sucked the life out of me. Not to mention the disease had such a grip on me, it led me to do things I normally wouldn't have, such as abusing drugs like laxatives, ephedra, diuretics, and diet pills. The abuse of those drugs were probably the worst part of it all... I was killing myself, and I knew it, but I couldn't seem to stop without feeling like I wanted to kill myself anyway. Luckily, I got help for it almost right away. And bulimia is something I like to believe I have overcome, and hopefully for EVER.

But, the thing I have dealt with most of my life is your text book case of anorexia... eating a mere 200-400 calories a day, not enough to live on. Usually occupied by heavy exercising or days where I don't eat at all. Somedays I've just felt like death....
I still struggle trying to completely overcome that particular aspect of my history with eating disorders... it's the one that's just hardest for me to shake, and control.

[dietcoketree]

thank you VERY MUCH for sharing your story. i cant even describe the calm i feel to know that im not alone. i hate to call it 'bulimia' or 'anorexia'. that makes it seem so general and 'normal' to just classify it. i dont know, maybe i just hate the words.

[greengoddess]

wow I had no idea so many hipforumers have this problem.. I have been and still am struggling with Anorexia...
I am sooo much better about my thinking.. which I think is the first step.. I don't judge myself as much as I used to but I still have horrible eating habbits and I still get down on myself now and again.. I want to be healthy so bad but it's not like someone can just be anorexic one day and not the next... it takes lots of time.. with me it was mostly about control.. I needed so badly to be in control of something.. when ultimately it controlled me, and I now realize that.. I am sooo happy that this thread was made and girls can openly talk about this without others bashing them.. thank you to all that have shared their stories..
maybe we can all start our own group to help support eachother.. it's an idea!
much love to you all,
Hollie*

[Apples+Oranjes]

I agree greengoddess, this thread is a good thing I think. I'm glad everyone can talk about this openly without rude comments, and relate.

I always found it to be such a big help when someone who was dealing with something similar, was there to talk to.

*hugs to everyone*

[dietcoketree]

yea... its really sad because everyones pictures on here are really beautiful. now i know that translates to absolutly nothing in most of your minds, but i just thought id say it.

i love this thread. i check it like 3 times a day!!

[ssreetnulov]

had, but i dont know any of my freinds who at one point or another, havent

[dietcoketree]

really? do you think that at one point, a person will use food as a substance to control? i understand that probably at one point in everyones life they will diet, but dieting and E.D.s are two VERY different things... and its also not right to confuse poor body image with having an E.D because those are two very different things too.

[ssreetnulov]

not everyone, but in this generation, idols are everything

[dietcoketree]

definitly. there are probably more cases now because the media inflicts so much insecurities upon anyone innocently taking them, and driving to the point of literal mental illness.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Civilization is what causes insanity. And civilization very much includes media...media is probably one of the biggest chunks of civilization---

That's always been my opinion.

But, I don't blame it all on media, because I honestly don't feel influenced by the media in that respect what so ever. And I don't think I ever really have been.

But I can tell you what the media is also responsible for,
In the news and in magazines, etc. parents are always learning about "healthy choices" for their children. When in reality, they aren't really learning anything because no body really knows.... everytime we think we've found something healthy, it turns out not to be, etc--- and I think it's putting pressure on parents and guardians and other elders to be controlling of what their children eat, thinking it will help. In reality, that control is what creates a good breeding ground for an eating disorder in my opinion.

My parents were always so anal about finding the "right choices" for me, and I always had to clear my plate. Even as a child it made me feel out of control with my own body, and I'd often spit out whatever I didnt want to eat in the toilet after dinner.

On the other side of the media, the most common perspective--- I think the most dangerous part of all of it, is that they portray women and men in these uncommon, unhealthy body types and what not--- but yet rarely is a word ever spoken that probably 99% of those models and actresses or whatever HAVE eating disorders. So people begin to believe it is somehow safe to get down to these insanely low weights and what not.

The other half of it though, is just that society takes eating disorders too loosely. The whole concept is still a fairly new idea, because it wasn't recognized as a problem and dangerous until probably just before most of us were born.... And because it's still a fairly new idea, there are still many people who believe it's simply a diet, and that it's about vanity, and even those who do understand it, I don't think know how to correct those who don't.

It's still a very tricky issue to approach, and I'm afraid until all of us learn more about the disease, it will probably get worse for our society before it gets better.

[sundew]

It's odd that often the prettiest girls who definitely fit most men's ideal of what women "should" look like are the ones with eating disorders or body-image problems etc...
It's unfortunate that having guys or just people in general just honestly say 'no you're not fat, no you're not ugly, you're beautiful' if they really mean it, doesn't seem to help at all either.

Apples, your comment about excessive control being a good breeding ground for these things, I really think that's true too.
Your post made me realise that if I ever had a child, I wouldn't make him or her strictly 'clean up your plate or you're in big trouble' etc.. I don't think it's good. I'd certainly try to get them to eat but if they didn't, what would happen?
They'd get hungry eventually surely?!
You need to have control as a parent, but to be a dictator about it seems almost worse than being too open and free.

I sometimes wonder if these eating and body image disorders are so rampant in girls only because that's the single most vulnerable part of a young girl's ego usually... her appearance. It's just so sensitive, this topic, and so highly under the spotlight all the time, 24/7, day and night. When you're under pressure as a teen from every single direction anyway, just that little bit too much and then something's got to give, and this harsh spotlight, well take a look at any glossy magazine, you can see where it's pointing... your body!

It honestly is a very distorted fantasy world, the media etc... nobody can ever live up to its desires. Since I continue to realised this more and more, the more I think about it, it wouldn't take a millionaire star with a bleachy smile to make me over the moon....
I enjoy honest, "real" people more now, they're so much more beautiful and dignified.
When someone who you like smiles just for you, you can appreciate it all on your own, whilst everyone just walks on by because she's not famous or in a magazine. In a selfish way that makes it even more precious!! :)

[lalalamort]

I understand that lack of conrol feeling. For example , if im going somewhere where i dont know the layout, I wil lsemi freak out because I dont have my escape plan figured out if I need to leave

[Apples+Oranjes]

It's odd that often the prettiest girls who definitely fit most men's ideal of what women "should" look like are the ones with eating disorders or body-image problems etc...
It's unfortunate that having guys or just people in general just honestly say 'no you're not fat, no you're not ugly, you're beautiful' doesn't seem to help at all either.

Apples, your comment about excessive control being a good breeding ground for these things, I really think that's true too.

Many anxiety disorders are rooted in fear of loss of control.
There was a treatement for social anxiety disorder among other things where this psychotherapist way in the past recognised it, and he then took the reverse action as what many woudl expect.
A patient of his was very afraid of sweating in public, especially in restaurants. His fear created the anxiousness which made him sweat and it all re-enforced as yes, of course it developed big and he sweated all through his shirts and became very embarrased and shameful and neurotic about it.
So the therapist took him to one and egged him on, trying to get him to sweat.
The man was very scared and shaky, and he did sweat a bit the first time, but the therapist kept egging him on good-naturedly, but seriously. "go! keep on sweating! is that all you can do?" etc..
After only 2 or 3 of these sessions, trying to get this guy to make himself sweat all through his shirt, to make it drip etc.. this man's fear went away. When under pressure to do it, he couldn't do it!

So you made me realise with your post, that if I ever had a child, I wouldn't make him or her strictly 'clean up your plate or you're in trouble' etc.. I don't think it's good. You need to have control as a parent, but to be a dictator about it seems almost worse than being too open and free.VERY interesting. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder as well, so maybe it's related somehow.

I really liked that story though, I wonder if something like that could work for things like panic attacks and what not. Hmm...

But those two or three sessions must have been SO emotionally draining for him.

I'd also like to point out a couple other things that can aid in developing an eating disorder.

One thing I learned fairly recently is that there is actually a disease/disorder that psychologists are studying called BDD= Body Dismorphic Disorder. It's not just your average girl saying "I'm fat" or "My hair is gross" sort of thing...it takes that to a whole 'nother level. Body Dismorphic Disorder is exactly what anorexia describes regarding a distorted self-perception, at a very dangerous and almost obsessive level. It's like, if someone kept obsessing about their nose being crooked, when it really isn't. And psychologists/psychiatrists are starting to study this, and how it can result in eating disorders, and how it can make it more DIFFICULT for someone with an E.D. to recover because of this distorted perception of themself. I read about this about 6 months ago or so, I'm not sure if any new information has erupted since then, but I found it to be quite interesting.

Another common trait in patients with eating disorders is OCD. The problem is, I think sometimes people brush off OCD until it becomes severe. Repetitive thoughts, and routines are symptoms of OCD, but they often go unrecognized because they are so hard to distinguish until that one boiling point. I think I may be mildly obsessive compulsive, and luckly I'm going to therapy for panic and what not right now, so that will probably help tons before it gets too bad--- But, throughout my whole eating disorder, I would repeat in my head what I ate, or didn't eat, or what I wanted to eat/not eat for the rest of the day ...and I'd repeat it so much in my head until I felt like I was going to start crying and screaming. Also, frequently weighing myself I feel was a symptom of an obsessive compulsive type behavior. I would weigh myself every half hour, as if something would change by then. I knew it wouldn't, but I couldn't seem to avoid the scale without going crazy inside.

Anyway---Both of those are HUGE factors in eating disorders, I think, and I think that before assessing the eating disorder itself you have to take care of the underlying disorder or whatever FIRST.

[hippychickmommy]

Yeah... I first started feeling unhappy with my appearance when I was about 4... I was in ballet from the age of 4 til I was about 11... then I joined again when I was 14.

And, I remember going to ballet when I was that little, looking at the other little girls, and looking at myself and feeling ashamed.


That's interesting. I myself did ballet dancing for about 9 years. I ate, slept, and breathed ballet. It was my life. I definitely felt a pressure to stay very thin, however, my disorder was there many years before my serious ballet dancing.

[Apples+Oranjes]

That's interesting. I myself did ballet dancing for about 9 years. I ate, slept, and breathed ballet. It was my life. I definitely felt a pressure to stay very thin, however, my disorder was there many years before my serious ballet dancing.
Yeah, I'm not sure if ballet related to it at all, but I think that it went hand in hand a bit, because when I did quit ballet, it's almost as if I felt like I lost control by not dancing 24/7...and I gained weight when I quit. And that's about the time I started restricting...so, I'm not really sure how that works, or if it even relates.

I still want to be a ballerina, lol, but I stay away from it now, because I feel like it would only be dangerous to me at this point and time.

[hippychickmommy]

Another common trait in patients with eating disorders is OCD. The problem is, I think sometimes people brush off OCD until it becomes severe. Repetitive thoughts, and routines are symptoms of OCD, but they often go unrecognized because they are so hard to distinguish until that one boiling point.
I also have OCD.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Here's a really good site that explains about BDD, and eating disorders:
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Eating_Disorders/peacelovehope/bdd.html

and this is some REALLY good info on BDD as well, in fact I like this one better:
http://www.ncpamd.com/body_dysmorphic_disorder.htm

[hippychickmommy]

Yeah, I'm not sure if ballet related to it at all, but I think that it went hand in hand a bit, because when I did quit ballet, it's almost as if I felt like I lost control by not dancing 24/7...and I gained weight when I quit. And that's about the time I started restricting...so, I'm not really sure how that works, or if it even relates.

I still want to be a ballerina, lol, but I stay away from it now, because I feel like it would only be dangerous to me at this point and time.That's how I was. I wanted to dance constantly. My mother would tell people that I danced until my feet were blistered and bleeding. But I loved dancing...and when I quit, I felt out of control as well, gained wieght because I started eating more.

For me, I have no doubt that my eating disorder stemmed from a feeling of being out of control most of my life. An abusive home, unstable, and being told I was no good most of the time. Eating gave me something to control. No one could do that but me. And when I was in my Anorexic years, the skinnier I got, the more I wanted to lose...as sick as this sounds, I would look at other Anorexic girls that were thinner than I was and be so overwhelmingly jealous. No matter what the scale said, I wasn't happy, and anytime I looked in the mirror I saw a "fat" girl, which was far from the truth, but looking back at pictures of me during that time, I looked completely emaciated.

[Apples+Oranjes]

That's how I was. I wanted to dance constantly. My mother would tell people that I danced until my feet were blistered and bleeding. But I loved dancing...and when I quit, I felt out of control as well, gained wieght because I started eating more.

For me, I have no doubt that my eating disorder stemmed from a feeling of being out of control most of my life. An abusive home, unstable, and being told I was no good most of the time. Eating gave me something to control. No one could do that but me. And when I was in my Anorexic years, the skinnier I got, the more I wanted to lose...as sick as this sounds, I would look at other Anorexic girls that were thinner than I was and be so overwhelmingly jealous. No matter what the scale said, I wasn't happy, and anytime I looked in the mirror I saw a "fat" girl, which was far from the truth, but looking back at pictures of me during that time, I looked completely emaciated.
Yeah it makes me really sad and scared now, when I look at photos of myself a few years ago and I see this tiny, frail girl.... but at that point and time in my life, I didn't see that at all. I saw fat, and I never saw that I lost weight when I looked at myself.

It was weird, because I almost couldn't grasp I could physically be losing weight, but still look big. And now I see those pictures and it's like wow...I didn't even SEE that.

[greengoddess]

see exactly.. I was getting very very thin and no matter what people said, I saw fat... even now I still have problems seeing myself bigger than I am.. my weight is still pretty low.. 110lbs.. and I know that is skinny but I still see myself alot bigger.. I know it sounds bad but I still use the scale as support.. I should just throw it out the window but on days I feel really fat I weight myself and when I see the number it reasures me I'm skinny.. like I said I still have issues...

but the other day I went back to one of those site I used to go to all the time and looked at the "Thinspiration" pics and I was shocked.. the same pics I used to drool over now kinda make me sick.. I'm happy that it didn't "trigger" me to go back to my old ways like it would have before so that made me feel good that I AM getting better but it made me realize I had a very distorted veiw of how people looked.. those same girls didn't look that sickly skinny when I was at my worst... it's really shocking what your mind does when you're sick...

[DancerAnnie]

I still struggle with food. I guess my problems started when I was 7 or 8 and I started competitive dancing. Where I danced at we had to "weigh in" in order to dance. If we were over a certain amount of weight for our height, we wouldn't be able to compete...

I was a chubby kid, so I struggled with it a lot and since I loved (and still love) dancing, I would do anything I could to lose those pounds. Even if that meant NOT eating for days and days at a time and exercising to the point of exhaustion. Once I got my weight under control it wasn't so bad.

Then my parents split up when I was 12. Home life was bad, everything in my life was out of control and food intake was something that I could control, so I stopped eating, if I did eat, it was Lite Saltine crackers. I was so sick and in and out of the doctor's office constantly, missed a lot of school in Jr. High, but managed to get through it.

To this day I still struggle with it, especially being in the dance industry where you're surrounded by 90 pound, 4% body fat girls in tight leotards. It's distorted my body image and hurt my self esteem.

I swear that once I am out of college and out of the dance industry things will probably get better with that because I constantly compare myself to them and that's so bad to do.

I swear on anything though, I will never put my kid in a dance class EVER because it really does have an effect on girls, as seen in this thread.

[DancerAnnie]

Double post, sorry.

[Apples+Oranjes]

I still struggle with food. I guess my problems started when I was 7 or 8 and I started competitive dancing. Where I danced at we had to "weigh in" in order to dance. If we were over a certain amount of weight for our height, we wouldn't be able to compete...

I was a chubby kid, so I struggled with it a lot and since I loved (and still love) dancing, I would do anything I could to lose those pounds. Even if that meant NOT eating for days and days at a time and exercising to the point of exhaustion. Once I got my weight under control it wasn't so bad.

Then my parents split up when I was 12. Home life was bad, everything in my life was out of control and food intake was something that I could control, so I stopped eating, if I did eat, it was Lite Saltine crackers. I was so sick and in and out of the doctor's office constantly, missed a lot of school in Jr. High, but managed to get through it.

To this day I still struggle with it, especially being in the dance industry where you're surrounded by 90 pound, 4% body fat girls in tight leotards. It's distorted my body image and hurt my self esteem.

I swear that once I am out of college and out of the dance industry things will probably get better with that because I constantly compare myself to them and that's so bad to do.

I swear on anything though, I will never put my kid in a dance class EVER because it really does have an effect on girls, as seen in this thread.
I agree/understand everything you're saying, but to the last part...if they wanted to dance, it would be just as bad for you to stop them from doing what they want to, you know?

Obviously don't shove them into a dance class without their opinion or whatever, but what if one day they asked to take dance lessons?

I think the biggest part of being a parent, is being a parent, but not too controlling. That same control of say, you saying no to them joining a dance class, could be the very thing that could create an eating disorder.

And please don't take this to offense at all, I'm just pointing out that, while it may be a good idea to avoid the dance industry, it's also not a good idea to stop children from what they really want to do. [Well, assuming it's not something illegal and dangerous lol]

[Apples+Oranjes]

see exactly.. I was getting very very thin and no matter what people said, I saw fat... even now I still have problems seeing myself bigger than I am.. my weight is still pretty low.. 110lbs.. and I know that is skinny but I still see myself alot bigger.. I know it sounds bad but I still use the scale as support.. I should just throw it out the window but on days I feel really fat I weight myself and when I see the number it reasures me I'm skinny.. like I said I still have issues...

but the other day I went back to one of those site I used to go to all the time and looked at the "Thinspiration" pics and I was shocked.. the same pics I used to drool over now kinda make me sick.. I'm happy that it didn't "trigger" me to go back to my old ways like it would have before so that made me feel good that I AM getting better but it made me realize I had a very distorted veiw of how people looked.. those same girls didn't look that sickly skinny when I was at my worst... it's really shocking what your mind does when you're sick...
I get that too...the same girls I used to think look gorgeous for being so thin, look gross to me now. I too still struggle a lot, but for the MOST part my mind's been in the right place.

And, also, I love the color of your hair a lot. :D

[DancerAnnie]

I agree/understand everything you're saying, but to the last part...if they wanted to dance, it would be just as bad for you to stop them from doing what they want to, you know?

Obviously don't shove them into a dance class without their opinion or whatever, but what if one day they asked to take dance lessons?

I think the biggest part of being a parent, is being a parent, but not too controlling. That same control of say, you saying no to them joining a dance class, could be the very thing that could create an eating disorder.

And please don't take this to offense at all, I'm just pointing out that, while it may be a good idea to avoid the dance industry, it's also not a good idea to stop children from what they really want to do. [Well, assuming it's not something illegal and dangerous lol]
I guess I just know what really goes on behind the scenes and what their future holds for them if they stay in it as long as I have. It's not a good place to be...and if they ask, then I'd let them (but never let them get into it as serious as I did), but if not, then I'm not going to bring it up.

I consider it protecting their safety and mental health.

[Apples+Oranjes]

I guess I just know what really goes on behind the scenes and what their future holds for them if they stay in it as long as I have. It's not a good place to be...and if they ask, then I'd let them (but never let them get into it as serious as I did), but if not, then I'm not going to bring it up.

I consider it protecting their safety and mental health.
Well, I agree there, totally. I think that's a good idea.

[dietcoketree]

isnt it strange, the power we feel by simply not eating, or controling our food to a dangerously low intake? eating is necessary to life; just like air. not eating is like not breathing. to read and understand that concept makes eating disorders seem so ludracris; which is probably why so many people misunderstand it.

but somehow it all makes sense to me. thats whats scary.

[spooner]

the irony of combatting eating disorders and obesity at the same time is sickening.

[dietcoketree]

HA no kidding. but obesity in most cases is an eating disorder too.

people who eat to much have the same mental thinking as a person that wont eat enough; they just deal with it differently. thats because its not really about food, its about comforting and medicating yourself. an obese person may self-medicate with food, while someone underweight is comforted by feeling the lightness and knowledge that you dont 'NEED' to eat.

but yea, definitly ironic.

[spooner]

to be fair, the obese disgust me. dunno. i guess i have equally bad flaws.

[Apples+Oranjes]

isnt it strange, the power we feel by simply not eating, or controling our food to a dangerously low intake? eating is necessary to life; just like air. not eating is like not breathing. to read and understand that concept makes eating disorders seem so ludracris; which is probably why so many people misunderstand it.

but somehow it all makes sense to me. thats whats scary.
Yes, I think you're right...

That's why when I try to explain it to people that don't understand I compare it to smoking, [if they smoke].... you know it's bad for you, but it's something that has a grip on you to the point where it's almost scary to be any other way.

It's the same as any addiction, and...not, at the same time, really.

But, yeah, I really like how you worded that. And that's where the control issue comes in I think.... if you have that much power, to do or not do something so vital to your life, it can corrupt you.

Even though I've had enough experience first hand with eating disorders, I will even admit the whole concept, and disorder itself is odd, and complicated.

[barefoot beautiful]

even now I still have problems seeing myself bigger than I am.. my weight is still pretty low.. 110lbs.. and I know that is skinny but I still see myself alot bigger.. I know it sounds bad but I still use the scale as support.. I should just throw it out the window but on days I feel really fat I weight myself and when I see the number it reasures me I'm skinny.. like I said I still have issues...
this pretty much sums up where i`m at as well....more or less ok as long as i`ve got fairly concrete proof that i`m not getting fat (in my case, what the scale says and how my clothes fit...i know better than to trust the mirror) interestingly enough, when i first began eating normally, i gained weight...but i`ve since lost a fair amount of it eating normally.
i used to dance & do gymnastics as well...dancing didn`t mess with my head nearly as much as gymnastics did actually. perhaps it was because i didn`t start gymnastics until i was older, but i actually ended up quitting gymnastics because i felt i was far too fat for it. i was cursed with a body that took on its adult shape and build early- when most girls my age were still curve- less little toothpicks (7th/8th grade), i had already reached my final adult height and weight. i`m the same size/weight/build now that i was in 8th grade. it`s something i`m quite happy about now, but it was hell when i was bigger than average. do any of yall`s family members struggle with eating disorders by any chance? i`m generation 3 of disordered eating, and know i`m far from alone in this.... and what do you think parents can do to prevent their children from ending up eating disordered?

[dietcoketree]

i have a myspace account and came across something very disturbing. there are these accounts all about 'tips and tricks' and 'thinspirations' (apparently to 'inspire' girls to starve themselves with pictures of emanciated people).

it makes me so sick. its like they are PROMOTING it. disgusting.

[sundew]

These types of things seem all very related... I think self-mutilation also stems from the same general *motivation*.. The explanations seem similiar from people who've done it.
You're in pain in some way out of your control, but if you hurt yourself, it's at least something that you CAN control. Starving yourself, cutting yourself....they're all detrimental things.
With boys, they're more likely to be aggressive to others so instead of these things it's more often getting in trouble, drinking too much etc.. and fighting in general. Creating a situation where pain will occur, but at least they're the instigator and they can get a cathartic sense of relief because they're in control for once. Same as someone who binges then purges does.
Many similiarities it seems!
Sure seems like a bit of a sick society when this is all occuring pretty commonly.

[greengoddess]

I get that too...the same girls I used to think look gorgeous for being so thin, look gross to me now. I too still struggle a lot, but for the MOST part my mind's been in the right place.

And, also, I love the color of your hair a lot. :D
thank you.. :)

[mrsmorrison27]

yea.. im the same with all of that- i hate how you just decide to just decide to eat one thing and next thing you know, youve lost all control. and then its like shit now i cant eat for 5 days.

gosh tahts how i am!! i feel like, oh no!! im gonna get fat!! i cant eat for a week!! a week will make up for my mistake!!

[greengoddess]

this pretty much sums up where i`m at as well....more or less ok as long as i`ve got fairly concrete proof that i`m not getting fat (in my case, what the scale says and how my clothes fit...i know better than to trust the mirror) interestingly enough, when i first began eating normally, i gained weight...but i`ve since lost a fair amount of it eating normally.
i used to dance & do gymnastics as well...dancing didn`t mess with my head nearly as much as gymnastics did actually. perhaps it was because i didn`t start gymnastics until i was older, but i actually ended up quitting gymnastics because i felt i was far too fat for it. i was cursed with a body that took on its adult shape and build early- when most girls my age were still curve- less little toothpicks (7th/8th grade), i had already reached my final adult height and weight. i`m the same size/weight/build now that i was in 8th grade. it`s something i`m quite happy about now, but it was hell when i was bigger than average. do any of yall`s family members struggle with eating disorders by any chance? i`m generation 3 of disordered eating, and know i`m far from alone in this.... and what do you think parents can do to prevent their children from ending up eating disordered?

my mom was bulimic and my sister has the same thoughts me and my mom do but hasn't gone to the extreams as we have.. I do think it runs in the family alot of times.. alot of girls I've talked to have had the same experiance.. plus my father will put fat people down.. or make comments about fatter people around us.. I think as a young girl hearing my dad talk like that and my mom obsessing over her weight all the time contributed to my problem.....

and yeah I've actually lost alot of "fat" in the places I've been trying to lose alot easier now that I'm eating alittle better and working out alot more..
and I look sooo much better.. I look at pictures of when I was pretty low and I was so pale, and frail looking.. my collar bones stuck out sooo much it made me sad that I did that to myself to feel whole at the time.. I'm sooo happy I have my husbands support, without him telling me that he'd admitt me if I didn't do something about this.. made me actually take a look at myself.. I'm scared that if he hadn't "woke me up" I would of turned out like some of the girls on those sites.. I was soooo sick.. I did things I am sooo embarrassed about to be thin.. it scares me now.. I was on a mission.. and I was sooo destructive.. I didn't care that it was harming me.. I'm just so happy I feel more like ME again.. I really didn't like who I was becoming..

[Apples+Oranjes]

Thanks for sharing that greengoddess...
Boyfriends/husbands can be such a great help that way. The thing that has kept me better, for the most part anyway, I think is my fiancee. He's very supportive, but at the same time he's not afraid to speak up and admit me if I lose control again too. My boyfriend met me at a time when I was starving myself for close to ten days at a time, and I almost think it was better that I met him then, because he knew what to expect, and that things might be a little difficult for a while, and here and there.

I've dated guys in the past when I was sick, and none of them were as understanding as my hunny is now. I had one boyfriend who just threatened to break up with me and screamed at me for it.... it made me just want to hide it from him more than anything.

My fiancee now, tried the threat thing, and learned from it.... I relapsed about a year ago, and was doing dangerous things again [diet pills and the like] and hid it from him because I didn't want him to break up with me either. Well, I can't lie, I just can't so I ended up telling him the truth, and he felt bad for threatening me with such a thing, and realized I just needed him there. He hasn't ever said anything so harsh regarding the issue since then, and I really appreciate his understanding and how quickly he learns. I'm glad, in a way, because I almost feel like I'm teaching someone the dynamics of an eating disorder....and that sounds odd, but I think it's important that people know about them, and the hell it entails.



And, this is sort of off topic of my whole speech there, but I was thinking that I want to take some classes in college on speech or something, because I think in the future, when I feel that I'm as recovered as I'll be.... I want to speak out in public to kids and parents about eating disorders. It's kind of my dream. :)

[barefoot beautiful]

ok so my family.... my mom`s been anorexic since college, not as much now as a coupleof years back, but i can still tell when she`s struggling. my dad`s not exactly eating disordered, but runs distance almost compulsively...he`ll just drop whatever he`s doing and run 10 miles. his weight fluctuates a lot, and he`s got an incredibly negative attitude towards obesity or even chubby-ness. my little sister`s a bit heavy, and he gives her crap about it all the time. and back a generation...my mom`s mom has been a lovely combination of starvation/extreme/radical diets and compulsive overeating for as long as anyone can remember. all she talks about is her weight, and it`s been that way for years. so yeah...that`s my lovely family, i`m just lucky that none of my sibs have picked up on my and my mom`s disordered eating patterns....

[greengoddess]

And, this is sort of off topic of my whole speech there, but I was thinking that I want to take some classes in college on speech or something, because I think in the future, when I feel that I'm as recovered as I'll be.... I want to speak out in public to kids and parents about eating disorders. It's kind of my dream. :)[/QUOTE]


I think that is awsome.. I was thinking about doing the same thing.. you should totally look into that.. I can tell from your posts that you'd be great!
HUGS!!

[dietcoketree]

yea, giving speeches sounds awesome. they really dont have to many speakers talk about eating disorders, yet atleased. i tihnk if i would have known what an eating disorder even WAS when i started my bad tendancies, i would have been more aware to the signs of self destruction.

my family also has distorted eating- almost everyones overweight yet talks about 'how they make healthy choices' and it drives me crazy, cause its starting to make me resent overweight people in a way. its just like, dont tell me how 'healthy' you are but you wont go jogging with me cause your covered in the after effect of brownies and shit like that. i hate that i think that way but in all honesty, its true. :/ they all comfort eat, and me and my sister have kind of gone away from that, to a dangerous point of just not eating.

[lynsey]

Terri Shiavo was in her stae because of potassium deficiency from bulimia
I'm not going to get into anything else but I think the above statement is pretty impactful.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Terri Shiavo was in her stae because of potassium deficiency from bulimia
I'm not going to get into anything else but I think the above statement is pretty impactful. I don't want to sound rude, but I really hate comments like these.

I understand you were probably just implying how dangerous eating disorders are, but you know... it's not like we all don't know that. It's called a disorder for a reason...because it is a disease. It's not called "Eating Choice" for a reason.

Many of us developed eating disorders without even understanding or realizing what the hell was going on... that's how mine started. I was only 11.

When I realized I wasn't eating, I understood right then and there all the risks and dangers about it, but I couldn't just start eating because I was sick. I actually developed a PHOBIA of food.

Just telling someone "You can die..." isn't going to make them any better. Trust me, me, and everyone here, and anyone else who has or has had an eating disorder, most likely FULLY understand that.

And this is why I want to speak in public...because it's like... some people think that it's just so easy to get someone to eat, who has this disorder. People just don't understand it.

And my apologies if you take any offense to that, it's not intended that way. And also, my apologies if you meant that in a whole different manner.

[Apples+Oranjes]

yea, giving speeches sounds awesome. they really dont have to many speakers talk about eating disorders, yet atleased. i tihnk if i would have known what an eating disorder even WAS when i started my bad tendancies, i would have been more aware to the signs of self destruction.

my family also has distorted eating- almost everyones overweight yet talks about 'how they make healthy choices' and it drives me crazy, cause its starting to make me resent overweight people in a way. its just like, dont tell me how 'healthy' you are but you wont go jogging with me cause your covered in the after effect of brownies and shit like that. i hate that i think that way but in all honesty, its true. :/ they all comfort eat, and me and my sister have kind of gone away from that, to a dangerous point of just not eating.
Yeah well, I think for some people learning about it, could be a good start to prevention---however, it's still not everything.

My most important issue is that I want others, who don't deal with an ED to at least be somewhat aware, and understanding of the disease. And parents especially.

What scares me most is that a lot of eating disorders go unnoticed until someone gets far too thin and sick. And one thing I really want the world to know, is that anyone can develop an eating disorder at any time...and what signs to watch for.

I also really want to stress the importance of finding treatment, and not trying to self-treat like some parents, friends, and other family try to do. My fiancee's cousin has an eating disorder, and her mom continuously tries to "fatten her up"--- which is the complete opposite way in going about reaching out to someone with an E.D. She is, finally in treatment now, and hopefully her mom is learning a little too... But, this is the sort of thing I want people to understand before hand, so that they can reach out sooner, and smarter.

I really think the sooner that a person gets treatment, the easier and more sucessful the recovery will be.

I didn't get treatment until about 5 or 6 years into my disorder, and I still have a long road ahead of me now.

My therapist at one point told me it could take anywhere frm 3-10 years to recover from something so "etched" into my brain.

I think my parents didn't get me treatment til later because there were times where I would eat okay.... but then I always relapsed more severe each time. And yeah, that's what I want to teach parents and kids about... Things like this just don't go away. You need treatment, and professional treatment for it.

[lynsey]

being in and out of the hospital and people telling me I could die because I was so dehydrated pretty much snapped me out of it...
It is a choice. It's just a hard choice, just like combating any other addiction. It's called ht e'good girls addiction' for a reason. It doesn't have the same stigma attached as somone who is addicted to drugs but it is just as bad as a hard drug addiction or even worse. People codle you and thus feed the behavior, everyone is telling you to eat or watdching you after meals, it's a lot of attention. You are the center of your families universe. No matter how much we deny we liked the attention it is still attention and any type of attention will feed a negative behavior.
but I was no better than a heroin addict and neither is anyone else who is combating this, it is just as dangerous just as nasty and is downright selfish to perpetuate it and let people worry about us like this. It's a very selfish disease that is unfortunatley glamouriized among younger women and teenage girls.I don't want to sound rude, but I really hate comments like these.

I understand you were probably just implying how dangerous eating disorders are, but you know... it's not like we all don't know that. It's called a disorder for a reason...because it is a disease. It's not called "Eating Choice" for a reason.

Many of us developed eating disorders without even understanding or realizing what the hell was going on... that's how mine started. I was only 11.

When I realized I wasn't eating, I understood right then and there all the risks and dangers about it, but I couldn't just start eating because I was sick. I actually developed a PHOBIA of food.

Just telling someone "You can die..." isn't going to make them any better. Trust me, me, and everyone here, and anyone else who has or has had an eating disorder, most likely FULLY understand that.

And this is why I want to speak in public...because it's like... some people think that it's just so easy to get someone to eat, who has this disorder. People just don't understand it.

And my apologies if you take any offense to that, it's not intended that way. And also, my apologies if you meant that in a whole different manner.

[Apples+Oranjes]

being in and out of the hospital and people telling me I could die because I was so dehydrated pretty much snapped me out of it...
It is a choice. It's just a hard choice, just like combating any other addiction. It's called ht e'good girls addiction' for a reason. It doesn't have the same stigma attached as somone who is addicted to drugs but it is just as bad as a hard drug addiction or even worse. People codle you and thus feed the behavior, everyone is telling you to eat or watdching you after meals, it's a lot of attention. You are the center of your families universe. No matter how much we deny we liked the attention it is still attention and any type of attention will feed a negative behavior.
but I was no better than a heroin addict and neither is anyone else who is combating this, it is just as dangerous just as nasty and is downright selfish to perpetuate it and let people worry about us like this. It's a very selfish disease that is unfortunatley glamouriized among younger women and teenage girls. Ok, nevermind I'm not sorry then.

Did you stop to think that maybe every person is different?

Maybe that's how it is for you...

If it's about attention how come I, and probably many other girls, HID the disorder as much as they possibly could? I wouldn't talk about it, I wouldn't act like it was a problem, I tried to wear clothes to make me look bigger and everything. I talked like I loved food and that eating was like a favorite pasttime of mine because I didn't want anyone to think anything was up or worry.

I didn't LIKE talking about it to my parents when they did realize something was wrong, because I didn't WANT them to worry and be upset. I HATED them watching my every move, it made me angry.

When a phobia is involved like it was, and still sort of is with me, then it's not much of a fucking choice. It's a chore for me to eat, because I developed a phobia of ingesting things...for many different reasons. Not because I want to lose weight, not because I want attention...

That's all fucking bullshit.

and maybe for some people it is about attention and what not, but that's not how it is for everyone, and you need to understand that.

There are biological reasons behind eating disorders aside from just plain, deciding not to eat, a biological reason that relates to a chemical imbalance. It's just like having any other mental disorder. PHYSICAL changes can happen in your brain to create disorders like these.... it isn't just a "selfish decision"

And if you could just snap out of it so easily maybe you never really had a problem. All I know is I have been STRUGGLING my ASS off to stay recovered for over a year now, and it's not something where I can just say "I need to eat" and so I do. It is much more fucking complex than that. And whenever I've relapsed I've felt awful and upset and just wanted it to go away... I didn't even know where it would come from or how it started, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Whatever, I'm done explaining myself. I fucking hate having to explain myself. And I fucking hate it when people say the things you just did.

I'm done.

EDIT TO SAY: I know what fucking addictions are like. And my eating disorder never even struck me as SIMILAR to an addiction.

[Apples+Oranjes]

And one more thing, not in the defense of myself...

The things you said are pretty offensive and upsetting to people who are actually dealing with a disorder right now.

I didn't want to get my undies in a bundle but this is a VERY touchy subject with me, and when someone insists they know what the disorder is like for everyone and act like some bigger person because you "made the choice" to not have an eating disorder... well then that gets to me.

This thread was going just fine the way it was, you could have just left it alone for girls to help each other out.

[lynsey]

it is classified in the DSM as an addiction, not a type one mental illness. There are genetic facotors, but those are actually the same genetic factors that are present when one has a tendency towards addiction. the same receptors are overly active in the brain when an anorexic is fasting or somone is throwing-up who is addicted to it. For some it's a sense of control they are addicted to, others a release ect, but from a psychological prospective it is an addiction. Any psychologist would tell you the same thing.
I worked in a group home that had an ED floor for teens for almost a year and because of my job I know the DSM like I know the back of my hand. So it's not just how it is for me but rather how it is to the APA. If you honestly want to be a health educator on this subject you should have a basic grasp of psychology and addiction first. To be an ED counselor most places actually require a cadac certificate, which is for alchohol and drug abuse recovery. So a good foundation and understanding of addiction needs to be embraced, especially in the world of psychology people stand by the dsm and the apa and it makes you look very incompetent to go against them unless you have a phd and are an experienced theorist and are ready to do case studies on your own theories of ED causes to prove them wrong.
This is also something I battled off and on since I was 10 and have now been free of it since february and haven't relapsed one time and I hid it really well for the past 6 years besides february I hadn't been in the hospital for it since I was 16. and yeah i was no better than a heroin addict, I put my family, ex fiance through the same greif as if I were addicted to hard drugs. True recovery is realizing that your addiction and controlable disease is not any better than anyone elses. disorder arrogance is very common among those with eating disorders. I used to buy into it-that I was better than 'those other people with gross addictions'

Ok, nevermind I'm not sorry then.

Did you stop to think that maybe every person is different?

Maybe that's how it is for you...

If it's about attention how come I, and probably many other girls, HID the disorder as much as they possibly could? I wouldn't talk about it, I wouldn't act like it was a problem, I tried to wear clothes to make me look bigger and everything. I talked like I loved food and that eating was like a favorite pasttime of mine because I didn't want anyone to think anything was up or worry.

I didn't LIKE talking about it to my parents when they did realize something was wrong, because I didn't WANT them to worry and be upset. I HATED them watching my every move, it made me angry.

When a phobia is involved like it was, and still sort of is with me, then it's not much of a fucking choice. It's a chore for me to eat, because I developed a phobia of ingesting things...for many different reasons. Not because I want to lose weight, not because I want attention...

That's all fucking bullshit.

and maybe for some people it is about attention and what not, but that's not how it is for everyone, and you need to understand that.

There are biological reasons behind eating disorders aside from just plain, deciding not to eat, a biological reason that relates to a chemical imbalance. It's just like having any other mental disorder. PHYSICAL changes can happen in your brain to create disorders like these.... it isn't just a "selfish decision"

And if you could just snap out of it so easily maybe you never really had a problem. All I know is I have been STRUGGLING my ASS off to stay recovered for over a year now, and it's not something where I can just say "I need to eat" and so I do. It is much more fucking complex than that. And whenever I've relapsed I've felt awful and upset and just wanted it to go away... I didn't even know where it would come from or how it started, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Whatever, I'm done explaining myself. I fucking hate having to explain myself. And I fucking hate it when people say the things you just did.

I'm done.

EDIT TO SAY: I know what fucking addictions are like. And my eating disorder never even struck me as SIMILAR to an addiction.

[lynsey]

what I am saying is true. If you girls 'want to help each other out' you will hold each other accountable for your actions and be supportive and attention giving when one is showing progress as oppossed to condoning the behavior. A lot of people in this thread have glamourized it and there is nothing really cool about freaking your parents out by not eating or sitting on the bathroom floor with your finger down your throat and passing out all the time-nothing at all. If you really cared about each other you would empower each other and be truthful. the disorder is uusually caused by a lack of power so why don't you give each other some real and honest accountability if you honestly care about each other.And one more thing, not in the defense of myself...

The things you said are pretty offensive and upsetting to people who are actually dealing with a disorder right now.

I didn't want to get my undies in a bundle but this is a VERY touchy subject with me, and when someone insists they know what the disorder is like for everyone and act like some bigger person because you "made the choice" to not have an eating disorder... well then that gets to me.

This thread was going just fine the way it was, you could have just left it alone for girls to help each other out.

[allthebrowns]

I'm 5'1 109 and want to be 93

i dont eat

[Apples+Oranjes]

I'm 5'1 109 and want to be 93

i dont eat
Well, this isn't a place to come and encourage each other like that...http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/confused.gif

[Apples+Oranjes]

it is classified in the DSM as an addiction, not a type one mental illness. There are genetic facotors, but those are actually the same genetic factors that are present when one has a tendency towards addiction. the same receptors are overly active in the brain when an anorexic is fasting or somone is throwing-up who is addicted to it. For some it's a sense of control they are addicted to, others a release ect, but from a psychological prospective it is an addiction. Any psychologist would tell you the same thing.
I worked in a group home that had an ED floor for teens for almost a year and because of my job I know the DSM like I know the back of my hand. So it's not just how it is for me but rather how it is to the APA. If you honestly want to be a health educator on this subject you should have a basic grasp of psychology and addiction first. To be an ED counselor most places actually require a cadac certificate, which is for alchohol and drug abuse recovery. So a good foundation and understanding of addiction needs to be embraced, especially in the world of psychology people stand by the dsm and the apa and it makes you look very incompetent to go against them unless you have a phd and are an experienced theorist and are ready to do case studies on your own theories of ED causes to prove them wrong.
This is also something I battled off and on since I was 10 and have now been free of it since february and haven't relapsed one time and I hid it really well for the past 6 years besides february I hadn't been in the hospital for it since I was 16. and yeah i was no better than a heroin addict, I put my family, ex fiance through the same greif as if I were addicted to hard drugs. True recovery is realizing that your addiction and controlable disease is not any better than anyone elses. disorder arrogance is very common among those with eating disorders. I used to buy into it-that I was better than 'those other people with gross addictions' I'M saying that I don't disagree that that may be true for some or a lot of cases, but it isn't the same in everyone, and psychologists/psychiatrists STILL don't know enough about eating disorders to classify them as anything, nor do they have any real tried and true method to treat a person.

I've also always had an issue, and still do, with not comprehending what enough-to-eat is. Which is maybe the biggest factor in my issue with this. Even at my best, I have to ask people around me if I ate normally, because I honestly *don't know*

It's like... my mind plays tricks on me. Everyone will tell me that I ate no where near enough, when I HONESTLY feel like I ate tons of food and binged. I try to take other peoples' word for it and eat a little more if they say I didn't eat enough, because I know I can't trust myself on what's a lot, and what isn't.

This is another case, where I really don't feel it can be classified as something like an addiction, because it's not even about being dependent on the disorder, but rather it's more or less like being delusional.

Listen, I am sorry I blew up on you, but I just think you're being a little unfair. Even PROFESSIONALS don't know enough about the disorder yet to say this or that is set in stone and define a lot of things, so I don't think it's fair for you to do that either.

And WITH today's media and what not, there ARE too many differences amongst the different causes/reasons that people develop eating disorders. A lot of young girls now days are influenced by the media, quite possibly, whereas some aren't so much and have other underlying disorders that cause the problem [OCD, BDD, as mentioned before]

It's way too broad of a topic, and far too new in the world of psychology to be so certain of yourself and what you've learned.

And, more so, even IFFFFF it resembles an addiction, that doesn't make it any less of a problem or a reason to be recognized and helped.

I would just as much codle a heroin addict as I would someone with anorexia. I feel just as sympathetic. And I don't think there is anything wrong with it either.

I personally hated the attention my parents and friends gave to me during my worst points of my disorder, but I think it helped me want to recover. I hated seeing them upset, and the only reason I agreed to go to therapy and actually cooperate while in therapy was because I didn't like what I was doing and I didn't like seeing them so torn apart; the problem is I hadn't even realized what I was doing to see that it would effect anyone like that, for a long time.

Not everyone who has an issue, craves attention.

[Apples+Oranjes]

what I am saying is true. If you girls 'want to help each other out' you will hold each other accountable for your actions and be supportive and attention giving when one is showing progress as oppossed to condoning the behavior. A lot of people in this thread have glamourized it and there is nothing really cool about freaking your parents out by not eating or sitting on the bathroom floor with your finger down your throat and passing out all the time-nothing at all. If you really cared about each other you would empower each other and be truthful. the disorder is uusually caused by a lack of power so why don't you give each other some real and honest accountability if you honestly care about each other.
Nobody glamourized it... if you can't feel the upset-tone in each girls' post on here....then I wouldn't think you're very intuitive.

But, whatever. I'm done dealing with you now.

Let's turn the thread around again please.

[lynsey]

I am a professional in the psychiatric community actually...I manage social services programs at 14 facilities and next month am moving to an area director position for two counties and this is what I studied in school...psychology isn't a 'feeling' of what the general community thinks a disorder is, it's a science, like any other science it's proven theories.

Anywho, I wish all of you luck and admire you for wanting to help others.
Here's a great synopsis that breaks down the addiction connection:
konwing the true causes can only help you better serve others. You can't help other people with their addictions until you understand the roots and neurosciences behind the addiction, that's all I was saying.

Clinical and Biological Traits



It is generally agreed that the commencement of addictive behaviors can take two motivational routes: either the seeking of positive sensations or the self-medicating of painful affective states. While current research documents a substantial lifetime comorbidity between the eating disorders and other forms of addiction, there is less agreement on the reasons for this link (Holderness et al., 1994; Wiederman and Pryor, 1996). Some researchers have suggested that a common set of personality traits predispose an individual to a range of behaviors that have the potential to become excessive (Koob and Le Moal, 1997; Leshner, 1997). Support for this idea comes from evidence that anxiety and depression are frequent premorbid characteristics both of addicts (Grant and Harford, 1995; Kessler et al., 1997) and of patients with eating disorders (Deep et al., 1995; Vitousek and Manke, 1994). Our own research has also found that among eating-disordered patients, irrespective of diagnostic category, scores on a measure of addictive personality characteristics were comparable to those reported for drug addicts and alcoholics (Davis and Claridge, 1998). Complementary to this viewpoint, an addiction to one behavior reinforces a certain style of coping pattern that leaves the individual vulnerable to developing another type of addiction (Holderness et al., 1994).

I'M saying that I don't disagree that that may be true for some or a lot of cases, but it isn't the same in everyone, and psychologists/psychiatrists STILL don't know enough about eating disorders to classify them as anything, nor do they have any real tried and true method to treat a person.

I've also always had an issue, and still do, with not comprehending what enough-to-eat is. Which is maybe the biggest factor in my issue with this. Even at my best, I have to ask people around me if I ate normally, because I honestly *don't know*

It's like... my mind plays tricks on me. Everyone will tell me that I ate no where near enough, when I HONESTLY feel like I ate tons of food and binged. I try to take other peoples' word for it and eat a little more if they say I didn't eat enough, because I know I can't trust myself on what's a lot, and what isn't.

This is another case, where I really don't feel it can be classified as something like an addiction, because it's not even about being dependent on the disorder, but rather it's more or less like being delusional.

Listen, I am sorry I blew up on you, but I just think you're being a little unfair. Even PROFESSIONALS don't know enough about the disorder yet to say this or that is set in stone and define a lot of things, so I don't think it's fair for you to do that either.

And WITH today's media and what not, there ARE too many differences amongst the different causes/reasons that people develop eating disorders. A lot of young girls now days are influenced by the media, quite possibly, whereas some aren't so much and have other underlying disorders that cause the problem [OCD, BDD, as mentioned before]

It's way too broad of a topic, and far too new in the world of psychology to be so certain of yourself and what you've learned.

And, more so, even IFFFFF it resembles an addiction, that doesn't make it any less of a problem or a reason to be recognized and helped.

I would just as much codle a heroin addict as I would someone with anorexia. I feel just as sympathetic. And I don't think there is anything wrong with it either.

I personally hated the attention my parents and friends gave to me during my worst points of my disorder, but I think it helped me want to recover. I hated seeing them upset, and the only reason I agreed to go to therapy and actually cooperate while in therapy was because I didn't like what I was doing and I didn't like seeing them so torn apart; the problem is I hadn't even realized what I was doing to see that it would effect anyone like that, for a long time.

Not everyone who has an issue, craves attention.

[DancerAnnie]

I am a professional in the psychiatric community actually...I manage social services programs at 14 facilities and next month am moving to an area director position for two counties and this is what I studied in school...psychology isn't a 'feeling' of what the general community thinks a disorder is, it's a science, like any other science it's proven theories.

Anywho, I wish all of you luck and admire you for wanting to help others.
Here's a great synopsis that breaks down the addiction connection:
konwing the true causes can only help you better serve others. You can't help other people with their addictions until you understand the roots and neurosciences behind the addiction, that's all I was saying.


With all due respect lynsey, you might work in the psychiatric community, but I HIGHLY doubt you've worked with women with eating disorders...and I'm not sure anyone in this thread glamorized it...

No one is proud to have had an eating disorder...I wish I didn't have one...and maybe I wouldn't be as fucked up as I am...

Please don't assume that we like what we've done...because I don't think any of us do.

[lynsey]

Annie with all do respect you know nothing about me to make those sorts of judgements. My arguments were for a general population-not towards a specific person.With all due respect lynsey, you might work in the psychiatric community, but I HIGHLY doubt you've worked with women with eating disorders...and I'm not sure anyone in this thread glamorized it...

No one is proud to have had an eating disorder...I wish I didn't have one...and maybe I wouldn't be as fucked up as I am...

Please don't assume that we like what we've done...because I don't think any of us do.

[DancerAnnie]

Annie with all do respect you know nothing about me to make those sorts of judgements. My arguments were for a general population-not towards a specific person.
I'm just saying, I don't remember reading anywhere that you've worked with women and eating disorders. YOu can't generalize about diseases or illness because they afffect everyone differently. Even the common cold...

[lynsey]

you're right I did not post when I worked at the group home but those who know me well on here do know my experiences there. I'm just saying that there is a cause, it's not toally a food or control thing, it's an addiction. Which I don't see how that is not true because if it was not an addiction would everyone have a short and easy recovery the second their health took a turn for the worse?I'm just saying, I don't remember reading anywhere that you've worked with women and eating disorders. YOu can't generalize about diseases or illness because they afffect everyone differently. Even the common cold...

[Apples+Oranjes]

Why does everything just HAVE to be a big debate here?

Seriously.

Who the fuck cares, just drop it and let people carry on.

[ssreetnulov]

looovee is comminggg

[dietcoketree]

alright- DEBATE DROPPED. i made this forum to make people feel comfertable and to discuss annonomously, and for 'normal' people to maybe drop in and learn atleased something about eatings disorders.

for what its worth, any attention i get having to do with food makes me nervous and break into a cold sweat. the room starts spinning and its like im DYING. and it doesnt take much either, all someone has to say is "arent you going to eat that?", and then im a mess. so for me, definitly not for attention. i do know people who 'glamorize' starving- but they DONT have an eating disorder. they are just asking for attention. its just the same as someone saying "oh my god my arm hurts so bad from those heroin needles ive been thrusting into my arm!!" it just DOESNT happen.

anyways, today i had an interesting day. my family had a get together and of course it all centered around this 'dinner' thing. and then they wanted to drink that sparkling cider stuff. it makes me sad that my whole night wasnt about my family all getting together for once, or about catching up with people i havnt seen in a while. instead, i spent the whole night plotting on how i could stay as far away from the food while mentally DEVOURING it. i sit here, still, (as they are all still at the table) thinking just how many calories were really in that bell pepper i ate, and multiplying it by two just incase.

IM SO SICK of this.

[Persephone81]

Wow this turned into a huge thread. Obviously eating disorders are a huge problem in our society but I have no idea what could actually solve the epidemic. I started going to a therapist who specialized in eating disorders a few years ago but seeing all the girls in the waiting room who were thinner than me (never mind that they were dying, I was pretty fucked up) made me try to lose even more weight. I was 5'6" 90 pounds and the nutritionist was telling me "you don't have to starve yourself, I can show you how to lose those extra pounds the healthy way." the fucking healthy way?!?!
i think what i'm getting at is that all anti-eating disorder stuff makes people with eating disorders just want to keep up their behavior. anything people told me about how bad i looked at the time just reinforced the fact that i was skinny. nothing else mattered.

[mrsmorrison27]

u know. ppl tell me alot when i say im fat and i need to lose weight and that i want to be skinny, that i need to shut up and stop cursing myself, and accept myself the way i am. and they start preaching, its the same with my depression issue. i cant say nething about either one, otherwise ppl freak out and throw God in my face, and it just makes it worse. i just dont see why ppl feel the need to try and tell you that u have a problem when its obvious u already are aware. kinda pisses me offa lil bit

[Apples+Oranjes]

alright- DEBATE DROPPED. i made this forum to make people feel comfertable and to discuss annonomously, and for 'normal' people to maybe drop in and learn atleased something about eatings disorders.

for what its worth, any attention i get having to do with food makes me nervous and break into a cold sweat. the room starts spinning and its like im DYING. and it doesnt take much either, all someone has to say is "arent you going to eat that?", and then im a mess. so for me, definitly not for attention. i do know people who 'glamorize' starving- but they DONT have an eating disorder. they are just asking for attention. its just the same as someone saying "oh my god my arm hurts so bad from those heroin needles ive been thrusting into my arm!!" it just DOESNT happen.

anyways, today i had an interesting day. my family had a get together and of course it all centered around this 'dinner' thing. and then they wanted to drink that sparkling cider stuff. it makes me sad that my whole night wasnt about my family all getting together for once, or about catching up with people i havnt seen in a while. instead, i spent the whole night plotting on how i could stay as far away from the food while mentally DEVOURING it. i sit here, still, (as they are all still at the table) thinking just how many calories were really in that bell pepper i ate, and multiplying it by two just incase.

IM SO SICK of this.
I agree 100% and know how you feel.

I'd rather run and hide than deal with people asking me if I ate or trying to pity me or something. I don't like attention drawn towards me, especially for negative reasons. If someone's going to tell me I'm a good artist or something, that's attention I'm happy to accept--- but if it's something like that, I try to avoid it as much as possible.

I hated it when I was in school and everyone would ask me questions... I never knew what to do. A lot of times I acted like I didn't hear them, and I would walk by...or I would just say that I didn't know, and change the subject. It was more humiliating than anything.

I developed agoraphobia because of my disorder; I guess I was afraid to be around ANYONE really, because of the attention that I got, I hated it... So, while I was dealing with that I missed almost 2 full months of school, and spent it literally locked inside my room, and emerging only to use the computer and talk to my parents sometimes. Well, clearly my parents took me to therapy for it, and when I started coming out again, and went back to school there were rumours ALL over school that I had been in the hospital dying from my eating disorder. It made me want to just go back to never coming out of my room again.

Then, I pretty much just stopped going to school and changed schools.... and by that time I was so far behind I would have had to stay at LEAST an extra year to graduate... So I got an HSED [kind of like a GED] instead.

I still regret it a lot, even though it wasn't really my fault.

And I still get upset and queazy when people ask me about when I graduated and all that---

Yeah.

It was always quite the polar opposite of craving attention for me. I always got enough attention, anyway...my parents were always there for me, and I had no reason to want extra attention.

[lynsey]

I wish you well :) and congrats on your recoveryWhy does everything just HAVE to be a big debate here?

Seriously.

Who the fuck cares, just drop it and let people carry on.

[dietcoketree]

I hated it when I was in school and everyone would ask me questions... I never knew what to do. A lot of times I acted like I didn't hear them, and I would walk by...or I would just say that I didn't know, and change the subject. It was more humiliating than anything.

I developed agoraphobia because of my disorder; I guess I was afraid to be around ANYONE really, because of the attention that I got, I hated it... So, while I was dealing with that I missed almost 2 full months of school, and spent it literally locked inside my room, and emerging only to use the computer and talk to my parents sometimes. Well, clearly my parents took me to therapy for it, and when I started coming out again, and went back to school there were rumours ALL over school that I had been in the hospital dying from my eating disorder. It made me want to just go back to never coming out of my room again.
wow- yea i can totally relate. ive missed so much school last year and this year (im a junior) just to stay home because either i was to weak to get up, didnt want to deal with anyone, or wanted to stay home to excersize or just be in the kitchen. i hate saying that- because it just shows how messed up my priorities are. id love to sit here and say, "yea family and friends and all that come first." but they dont. in reality, they really dont. all my mind cares about is all this eating crap. but i guess thats obvious.

id love to know- how did you people start recovery? did your family hold an intervention or did you put yourself there? was it by choice or by force?

[Apples+Oranjes]

wow- yea i can totally relate. ive missed so much school last year and this year (im a junior) just to stay home because either i was to weak to get up, didnt want to deal with anyone, or wanted to stay home to excersize or just be in the kitchen. i hate saying that- because it just shows how messed up my priorities are. id love to sit here and say, "yea family and friends and all that come first." but they dont. in reality, they really dont. all my mind cares about is all this eating crap. but i guess thats obvious.

id love to know- how did you people start recovery? did your family hold an intervention or did you put yourself there? was it by choice or by force?
Well it was both.

I was seeing the counselor at that point and time, that I'm seeing now. I was seeing her for depression. She's just a general psychologist. Well, my mom knew I wouldn't talk to her about what was going on--- and not because I didn't want help, but because it was just too hard for me to talk about. I was embarassed and I never really liked talking about myself in the first place. I wanted to tell my psych though, so I had my mom come in with me one session and explain that aspect of my life to her, for me... and well, I continued to see that lady for probably only one or two more sessions before she said that she didn't feel she was educated enough to help me with an eating disorder and recommended me to this other lady in the city, Judith.

So I started to see her, and at first my mom did most of the talking, but I really grew to like Judith, and she made sense, and she made me want recovery more than I ever had. So things went fairly well from there on out.

We did a lot of art therapy which always seemed to help me the most.

But, unfortunately, Judith retired before my treatment was up. I met with a few other therapists specializing in EDs and I loathed them all. They were your stereotypical phony-ish psychs who talked all quiet and were all "everyones beautiful".... It annoyed me to all hell, especially when one of them accused me of trying to kill myself because I got drunk one night. I was 17... of course I was being stupid, I wasn't suicidal.

So I just flat out stopped my treatment, and tried to pull myself up by my own boot straps.

It couldnt have been a better time, too, because I recently started dating the most supportive guy on earth.

However, I relapsed...A LOT. And I still have to watch myself. I still don't feel comfortable saying I'm fully recovered...I'd rather say I'm in the process of recovery.

I think it's going to take years before I'm "fully" recovered; it's something that has been a big part of my life and is almost like, etched into my brain.

My body is still adjusting too. I still get tummy aches after I eat and the whole bit, and my bowels are all over the place too. I imagine it's going to be a long time before my body is healed, and before my mind is strong.

I'm actually thinking of sucking it up and looking for another eating disorder therapist and nutritionist so that I can do it right, because lately I feel I've been a bit weak with my recovery... and I don't think I know enough about it yet to fully recover on my own.

I just have to build up the strength to admit I need help---something I'm not good at. I'm very very stubborn.

[dietcoketree]

well good for you for atleased thinking about seeking helpful recovery methods. :)

[Rivalution]

Eating disorders are horrible, My mum had them when she was young, and I am afraid that I could be on the way to getting one. But mostly I am just obssessed with getting enough exersize in to burn calories.
I think it is socitey and the media that just sets up this totally unrealistic vision of woman, that we think we have to live up too.... Its fucked up..
This is why woman like Margaret Cho are my heroes..

[dietcoketree]

does your mom still display the effects of the 'former' disorder? (like making weird food for dinner or maybe deciding there wont be dinner?) my friends mom has an ED and will make everyone dinner but then just sit at the table and watch them eat it, and she picks at raisens.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Random:

So, today is my day of reconciliation.

I relapsed a few weeks ago, about 3 or 4...and, I finally mustered up the guts to tell my family, and get help to recover [again] and...

I already FEEL a lot better, because everyone was much more understanding thaN i thought they would be.

I was so worried about hurting/upsetting my loved ones, and that they wouldn't get it, but they all seemed to understand that this sort of thing might happen from time to time in my recovery process, and I feel much much better. And I think they do too, knowing that I can come out and admit when I'm having a problem, and that I'll get help for it, rather than let it go to shit like I used to.

So, now I have to find a good nutritionist, and I'm still contemplating whether to tell my current counselor for different reasons....

But, yeah.

So that's my input for the day.

[greengoddess]

that's brave of you to admitt... I was thinking about getting a nutritionist too.. does that help?
Is there a reason you can't tell your couselor? if you feel uncomfortable telling them stuff like this you might want to consider finding someone you CAN tell...

[Apples+Oranjes]

I actually don't know if it helps because I never utilized a nutritionist before, even though, in the past my therapist HIGHLY urged me to see one....
At that point and time I think I was far too sick/distorted, and I felt like it would just make me fat. I grew up since then though, and I realize that's not true, and I really just want to get better...so we'll see. I can let you know what I think of it when I start it up.

The only reason I don't want to tell my counselor is because I saw this same counselor when I was 15-ish for depression, and when my mom had come out and told her about my eating disorder, she recommended I go see someone else, who specialized in eating disorders.

Right now I don't want to start all over with someone new, so I'm worried that if I do tell her, she's going to want to recommend me to someone else instead.

The thing is, the things that we are working on in counseling together right now, I feel are a major aspect of *why* I struggle with this disorder so much, and I think that if I can continue to work on those things with her it will ultimately help the psychological part of my E.D. as well.

So, I don't know...maybe if I just tell her that's what I want to try, maybe that could work, but on the other hand, I don't want her to feel like she can't handle me anymore, because she's doing a wonderful job....much better than most therapists I've met with in the past who actually DID specialize in eating disorders.

EDIT TO ADD:

it wasn't easy telling my parents and fiancee, but I knew that it was necessary if I wanted help, and to recover.
the reason that I WANT to try a nutritionist is because I feel that I never learned how to eat like a normal person. Even since I was young I don't feel I ever ate in a healthy manner... I either don't eat anywhere near enough, or I get so hungry that I gorge myself to the point where I'm "overfull". So I'm hoping that with the help of a nutritionist he or she can teach me how to balance that, and do it the right way. Aside from my psychological aspect of the disorder, I honestly just don't know HOW to eat right... my parents don't even know, so I was never educated on it.

[dietcoketree]

first, congradulations on coming clean to everyone. im sure its much to presumptuous for anyone to say "yea that must be hard" because no one can know the intensity of telling the people you care about the one thing they really dont want to hear.

i tihnk a nutritionist is a great start, but as you said before, you really have to let them have all control, which was the WHOLE problem in the first place! i genuinly wish you the best of luck with all of that. now that youve said it, its hit me that ive never eaten normally either. my mom has distorted eating so the whole family has been raised on these variable ways of eating. (eating to much, to little, only eating certain foods). anyways im very happy for you. your moving forward and thats GREAT!!

[dietcoketree]

I went through a period where i became highly fixated with my weight... at one point I weighed about 230 or something like that I ended up losing quite a bit... now i'm at a healthy 175... after I got where I wanted to be, I started eating healthier and taking care of my body better... not sure if you'd concider that a disorder or not...
that just boggles my mind. i cant even imagine what it would be like to 'be where i want to be.' congrats though, thats awesome!

[Apples+Oranjes]

Yeah, I gotta agree with you ^^

It *probably* wasn't an eating disorder, but no one really knows that except you. Like dietcoketree just pointed out, usually when you have an eating disorder [aside from binge eating, that is] you don't have a fixated weight that you want to achieve, the goal just keeps dropping everytime you get to your goal.

BUT, like I said... no one can say if it was or wasn't except you. Maybe you had some traits of an eating disorder without actually be affected by them to get "sick"

dig?

And yeah, either way, congratulations :) I hope I can do that one day... just stay where I want to with my weight.

[dietcoketree]

i think my mom is catching on again. im scared to death.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Well update:

I talked to my old eating disorder therapist, who's retired now... and she's being super helpful which is good. She suggested a nutritionist for me, who is familiar with working with eating disorders and...she also suggested something in dealing with my current counselor.

She said I should meet with the dietition and formulate a plan with her, and then bring it to therapy and show my counselor and explain things and tell her that I'm working on it, but woudl like to continue seeing her, and if she feels stuck, that she can give this lady a call, OR my old therapist a call.

I pretty much love my old therapist.

so it looks like things should work out much better than I expected.

I'm still a bit nervous though just because... it's going to take a lot of courage to go through with all this, and it's a big change in my life.

[barefoot beautiful]

i`m actually relapsing a bit as of late as well, as i`ve been under a lot of stress and been sick for three weeks now. the one person who knows a fair amount as far as what i`m going through with my ED now happens to live 45 mins away, and he`s quite distressed. he`s a nurse, and keeps threatening to drive out here and take care of me since i`m obviously not doing such a great job of that on my own. if anyone else were to tell me this, i`d probably get mad but it`s ok coming from josh. i know i should probably be giving some more people at least a heads up that i`m struggling quite a lot, but i`m not sure i`m comfortable doing that. people are bound to start noticing soon though...already gotten some concerned weight- loss related comments from people who have no idea i`m struggling with an eating disorder...i`m just blaming it on being sick.

[greengoddess]

I went through a period where i became highly fixated with my weight... at one point I weighed about 230 or something like that I ended up losing quite a bit... now i'm at a healthy 175... after I got where I wanted to be, I started eating healthier and taking care of my body better... not sure if you'd concider that a disorder or not...
if it was controlling your life and thoughts to the point where YOU thought it was problem then it was probably an E.D

[dietcoketree]

apples- im very happy for you!! make sure you keep us all updated. i know i dont know you but i know your story, and its really going into a good direction. i wish you the best of luck. it will be hard, i cant even imagine being in the situation you are as far as openly seeking help, but keep pushing and youll make it through. its inspiring to hear of someone going and GETTING through all this mess. congradulations. :)

[dietcoketree]

not nessesarily, all the models i aspire to be have little or NO muscle. they are just sleek and tiny. you either see bones or the hollow of one. but i agree, people that want to loose weight for the sake of loosing weight should excersize. its when you become obsessive that its a problem.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Meh, it's never been about the weight for me really. As it progresses I become obsessed with it, but it's always been like a control thing, and a coping mechanism. I know how dumb it is to take it out on that, but I feel lost without doing so....

it sucks a lot. I wish I didn't feel that way, because I think I'm smarter than that.

[dietcoketree]

well thats the whole point. its unattractive to YOU because you dont have this issue, but to me thats like perfection.

its not all about weight though, dont get me wrong, its more of something you can control that no one else really can.

[Apples+Oranjes]

If you're trying to recover, or looking to-- the message boards at something-fishy.org is really good...I joined today.

But, you have to be really into wanting to recover for that message board because anything mildly triggering to other girls is forbidden, as are numbers [weight, size, etc] and anything relating to that.

I like the reply-only forums; they have little exercises you can do that I think helps your attitude a little.

Anyway, so I guess it's something to check out if you're interested. The site also has lots of good facts and what not, outside of the forum.

[greengoddess]

If you're trying to recover, or looking to-- the message boards at something-fishy.org is really good...I joined today.

But, you have to be really into wanting to recover for that message board because anything mildly triggering to other girls is forbidden, as are numbers [weight, size, etc] and anything relating to that.

I like the reply-only forums; they have little exercises you can do that I think helps your attitude a little.

Anyway, so I guess it's something to check out if you're interested. The site also has lots of good facts and what not, outside of the forum.
I've joined there too.. it is a good site, the girls there are very nice..

[Apples+Oranjes]

Yeah I honestly don't see anything sexy about a lot of models and such these days...

The only reason I ever think I'm fat is because I don't see what other people do.

In my head I know that I'm not otherwise I wouldnt be losing weight, or a certain pants size, etc... but when I look down at my tummy, or in the mirror...I see something different from what I know, and it plays tricks on me.

I don't try to get down to that "model size"---it happens because I don't see it.

It's weird, and I hate it with a fucking passion and I wish it would just go away and that I could just see myself from the outside so I wouldn't be so retarded and self-critical.

My problems with eating go far beyond that, but when in the midst of dealing with that sort of thing, looking at myself and seeing something that I think looks terrible, pushes it farther. I want recovery more when I don't look at myself.

So yeah I've been trying to avoid mirrors and such lately.... then maybe I can come to my senses more quickly and easier.

It's not as easy as it sounds though. I'm so used to looking at myself, in the mirror, or otherwise just looking at my arms and stomach and stuff---- I'm not even vain like that either which is the weirdest part. I just have an unhealthy obsession with examining myself.

Like, if I'm up north and I know that ticks thrive there... I will CONSTANTLY be checking myself....like nonstop every couple minutes.

That's how I am just in general.... it's weird :S

[hippychickmommy]

The only reason I ever think I'm fat is because I don't see what other people do.

In my head I know that I'm not otherwise I wouldnt be losing weight, or a certain pants size, etc... but when I look down at my tummy, or in the mirror...I see something different from what I know, and it plays tricks on me.


Oh do I know what you mean. I go through that almost every day of my life. Distorted self image, I never really see myself as I appear to others.

[dietcoketree]

i went through a time where i would avoid mirrors at all costs. even seeing my reflection in at window would make me feel just HORRIBLE. i wouldnt even look in the mirror getting ready for school, i think i was a bit OCD about it. however lately, ive been looking in mirrors nonstop. if im watching tv, ill go run to a mirror during a commercial. when im sitting in class at school ill take out a small mirror from my purse.

i dont know what im checking for. i guess what im thinking when i look in a mirror is "did i gain weight since i drank that tea" or whatever. i guess im checking to see if im still 'there,' if that makes sence. its hard to explain, im sure you guys have atleased some idea what im talking about. its not that i like looking in a mirror, cause i dont, i just feel like i neeed to.

[dietcoketree]

today has been such a hard day to get through. i hate this.

[spooner]

life is a bitch like that.

[dietcoketree]

soo... update... hows the week been going?

[Apples+Oranjes]

Well, my mom got an appointment for me to see the dietition on Thursday, June 1st. Now my only issue is getting a ride there, because I don't know my way around the city well enough to take myself. I get lost everytime I attempt to drive in the city.

Basically what I gotta do is go in there, have a consultation with her, formulate some sort of plan and the proper exercise I should be doing, etc. and then I gotta go in for two follow ups afterwards to see how I'm doing and where I need improvement or help.

Total, it's going to cost 180 dollars from my pocket which isnt bad but I'm not excited about it either.

Otherwise, I'm not doing so well. It seems to get worse with each passing day. I need to tell my therapist asap... I'll probably have my parents do it because i'm chik'n.

[dietcoketree]

things are getting worse with me. im going through a breakup so im really hating myself right nto and trying to supress all these feelings of loss.

its funny- at times i feel sad because ive lost him, but others im just glad that i havnt eaten so atleased i have that going for me. people keep telling me, "you seem like your dealing with the breakup well!" and its just like, "yea. i am." i figured out i could be replacing the hurt with just the mentality to keep going with the habits that keep me sane.

i always loved the quote, "what nourishes me also destroys me." its true with everything ive experienced in my life. wheres the healthy balance? is there one? are there really people out there who will just eat a burger and not freak out, just a little? are there people who actually deal with things? or do we all have a way of destructive self medicating- whether it be seriously destructive or not?

i guess i just cant imagine a way to deal with things productivly. i dont know what 'productive' means anymore.

[greengoddess]

wow I'm so sorry for both of you.. I hope you the very best in the crazy battle...
I feel so bad.. hugs to both of you.. I was feeling pulled back to it a few weeks ago but coming here everyday and reading all the posts in this thread has made me feel much stronger knowing I'm not alone...
you guys are in my heart and thoughts all the time..
please be safe!
much love always,
Hollie*

[Apples+Oranjes]

things are getting worse with me. im going through a breakup so im really hating myself right nto and trying to supress all these feelings of loss.

its funny- at times i feel sad because ive lost him, but others im just glad that i havnt eaten so atleased i have that going for me. people keep telling me, "you seem like your dealing with the breakup well!" and its just like, "yea. i am." i figured out i could be replacing the hurt with just the mentality to keep going with the habits that keep me sane.

i always loved the quote, "what nourishes me also destroys me." its true with everything ive experienced in my life. wheres the healthy balance? is there one? are there really people out there who will just eat a burger and not freak out, just a little? are there people who actually deal with things? or do we all have a way of destructive self medicating- whether it be seriously destructive or not?

i guess i just cant imagine a way to deal with things productivly. i dont know what 'productive' means anymore.
Yeah, I think I understand what you're saying and how you feel...

Although, when I'm dealing with things by not eating/restricting... I don't feel fine. It is the only way I know how to deal with things, and how to feel like I have control, when everything else is out of control, and out of my hands... However, I always understand that it is quite the opposite, and it ends up tearing me apart.

Like, right now... I'm scared to death of recovery, because I feel like I "need" my disorder, otherwise I'll feel lost and more out of control... but at the same I fully recognize and understand that my disorder has control OF me. And that is a fact. And knowing that, inside, is what depresses me... because I feel like I'm in this constant battle of a lose, lose situation.

If I eat, my disorder makes me feel like a failure. If I don't...my real, true inner self is ashamed and disappointed in me for letting the disease distort me, and consume me.

It's weird...sometimes I just feel as if one side of my brain is playing tug-of-war with the other side. And it hurts a lot.

The whole thing fucking sucks.

99.9% of the time I'm exhausted, or I have a terrible stomach ache, but I still can't make myself better. I don't know which I'd rather be sometimes....mentally sick, or physically sick... If I eat, I feel mentally unstable, but if I don't...I physically feel like death. And neither are much fun....

ugh. I'm going to shut up now, I sound like a whiney bitch.

[greengoddess]

god ^^ that is exatcly how I feel.. like word for word..
mostly the tug of war comment...
when I was contemplating getting healthy I freaked out thinking if I didn't have my E.D I had nothing .. I felt like it was the only thing that was MINE.. I completely know how you feel..

[Apples+Oranjes]

wow I'm so sorry for both of you.. I hope you the very best in the crazy battle...
I feel so bad.. hugs to both of you.. I was feeling pulled back to it a few weeks ago but coming here everyday and reading all the posts in this thread has made me feel much stronger knowing I'm not alone...
you guys are in my heart and thoughts all the time..
please be safe!
much love always,
Hollie*
Thanks, sweetheart. I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, and I'm glad that coming here is of some help to you... although I'm still dealing with it, talking about it here and on the something-fishy forums makes me feel a lot better.

On the something-fishy forums they have these "games" you can play that are supposed to jog your mind on why you want and need recovery, and how the disorder affects and ruins your life.... and I think they are really helpful, although very very emotionally draining.

[greengoddess]

thanks hun.. I'm not doing great.. I still have my days but I feel atleast more mentally stable.. I was planning on going to the something-fishy forums.. I seem to like putting stuff like that off though.. this place makes me feel more normal, when I go there I don't feel like I'm nearly as healthy as I need to be.. ya know what I mean..

[barefoot beautiful]

i`m actually doing better this week than i was last week...one final from being done with school this semester, and looking forward to being able to relax some. last week was terrible, though....had friends worried and loveliness like that. thank goodness things have stabilised this week. when things are like this, i don`t necessarily consider myself to be completely eating disordered, though i do know and admit that i`ve definitely got some seriously disordered habits at times. do any of you ever wrestle with what exactly `normal` is? i`m always forced to concede that my understanding of the word/concept is pretty skewed and end up having to rely on someone else`s understanding of it to keep moving forward in recovery....otherwise i`d have stopped and decided i was done a long time ago...

[Apples+Oranjes]

i`m actually doing better this week than i was last week...one final from being done with school this semester, and looking forward to being able to relax some. last week was terrible, though....had friends worried and loveliness like that. thank goodness things have stabilised this week. when things are like this, i don`t necessarily consider myself to be completely eating disordered, though i do know and admit that i`ve definitely got some seriously disordered habits at times. do any of you ever wrestle with what exactly `normal` is? i`m always forced to concede that my understanding of the word/concept is pretty skewed and end up having to rely on someone else`s understanding of it to keep moving forward in recovery....otherwise i`d have stopped and decided i was done a long time ago...
Yes, well, that's the nature of eating disorders really... the fact that the person's outlook on things can be a bit distorted...or as you said, skewed.

The reason that they get to the point that they do is because of that distortion, and the inability to see something for it's true self---whether it be your eating habits, how you look, what "healthy" is...or whatever.

That's the most difficult part of the disorder, and recovery...is dealing with that disorted outlook on those things, and trying to change them to more realistic perspectives and adapting to those realistic points of view. It's harder than it sounds.

A lot of people who don't deal with it, say what I just said, as if it is really easy to just change that, and quickly adapt...but it's not, especially when it's something you've been dealing with for a long, long time.

I think even when I was doing really well, I think I still had a distorted perspective on what "normal" eating was...or what normal habits were, etc.

[barefoot beautiful]

I think even when I was doing really well, I think I still had a distorted perspective on what "normal" eating was...or what normal habits were, etc. ^this is very much true of my life as well....something i`m still wrestling with on a daily basis. i`m moving towards normal gradually...but it`s a slow, difficult process- and most importantly, one which we eating disordered ones cannot undertake alone. were it not for the people in my life who love me enough to speak truth to me- those closest to me- i wouldn`t have made any progress whatsoever.

[dietcoketree]

i dont even understand what 'normal' is.

last night i went to my brothers play, wizard of oz, and he did a wonderful job as the wizard. we had family from out of town come in that we havnt seen in a while. everyone was so happy afterwards and decided to go out to ice cream. i wanted to go so bad. SO BAD. but i couldnt. i just couldnt. i went home instead and sat in my room for the 1 1/2 hours they were gone. i know why i said no to going, but i dont understand why i felt so inclined that i wouldnt just go anyways, even just to sit and talk and laugh with everyone. see, this is what scares me. its like i cant even control myself.

ive been thinking about it and its like i was mezmorized and just robotically said no. im so used to doing that when someone is like, "wanna go get something to eat?" NO I DONT! I DONT WANT TO GO GET "SOMETHING TO EAT." "why not?"

because it makes me feel like shit.

sorry, ranting, but im having a really hard time dealing. im so tired of living day to day like this. i hate it- if im not upset over not eating, then im upset that i dont. and if i do eat, i cant live with myself either. i know my problems root deeper than 'food' but its like i cant pinpoint it.

wow, sorry this was so long. i just have so much on my mind and this little forum here is the only place that wont 'go tell my mom' lol :/

[Apples+Oranjes]

Yeah I understand.... I feel the same way. I rarely say no when my family wants to take me out for dinner or something, because I feel horrible, and I know that I should try to eat... as well as, I know I won't eat alone, so I better do it when I know I can.

[odd because a lot of people with eating disorders DON'T like eating around people, but I'm almost opposite... I have to, otherwise I know I won't eat at all]

although, my mind is still there and present... though not much, it's enough for me to WANT to get better, and to want to try and do what I can in the meantime before I'm all better. When you're still really warped into the disorder, and it's still fairly "new" [meaning, you haven't yet tried to recover] it's really difficult to WANT to recover, because the disorder doesn't allow you to want that.

Anyway... I wanted to rant about something.

I've been doing what I can as I said... and I set up an appointment with the dietition and tomorrow I have a meeting with my counselor that I think my mum's coming with me to, to help me explain things to her, so that I can start taking care of the problem once and for all, before I get sick, physically, and more sick, mentally.

Well, my fiancee is growing impatient, and expects things to be better now. RIGHT now, even though things are still in the process of being set up.

On the way home from work yesterday, he asked me if I ate anything at lunchtime, and I told him no... and naturally he became upset. But, I honestly was planning on eating with him, because it's the only way I can get myself to eat right now, as I said before... well before I could say anything about that, he got all worked into a tizzy and started snapping at me, and telling me that he was getting pissed because I keep saying it will get better "but things are only getting worse"

I explained to him, that they may get worse before they get better, but it will get better....because I won't let it destroy me. I've tasted what it's like to feel close to stable, and I want more of it.... and there's no way I'm going to let this shit drag me right back down, only to kill me. And I keep telling him this, and that it's not my fault that I have to wait two more weeks to see the dietition, but I don't know... I think he's just upset.

I just hate it because, I am doing what I can right now... I'm not just letting this take over my life, and not asking for help... you know?

I know and understand why he's upset, but I wish he understood where III am coming from, and I wish he would have a little more confidence in me, that I will get better. I almost feel like he lacks faith in me on this matter.

I don't know... And I explained to him later, "You don't have to get upset if I hadn't eaten anything yet by the time you see me, because I will... I always make an effort to eat, everyday."

And I do. I know I don't eat enough to stay healthy right now, but I'm trying as best as I can, I really am. I think I've only not eaten anything at all for one day out of this whole relapse, so I'm already doing much better than I ever had in the past...

arrgh I'm just so frustrated right now.

I WISH I could just make myself all better, I want that more than anything, and I hate hate hate upsetting HIM on top of upsetting myself, but ugh unfortunately it doesn't just happen that way.

This past weekend, I tried to eat like a normal person on Sunday or Saturday... I don't remember...either way, I felt like jumping off a cliff after I completed a full meal, and ended up exercising the rest of the night to alleviate all my stress over the subject... and then, after freaking out like that, the real me, felt even worse for letting it get to me so much. I just wanted to be able to eat normal, and feel decent about it, and carry on. WHY CANT I DO THAT RIGHT NOW? WHY AM I SO UPSET WHEN I EAT?

I keep asking myself that, and I honestly don't know the answer. I can't f*cking figure it out and it's getting to me more and more everyday.

ok Im going to shut up now because I could go on forever about how sick of this I'm getting, and how I wish June 1st would just come, and how I wish I would know what my therapist is going to say and how things are going to work...because I just want stuff better. ASAP.

[dietcoketree]

see, people dont realize the constant hurt that E.D.s haunt people with.

im very sorry your fiance isnt seeing eye to eye with you, but its good that you understand he just wants whats best. its easy to push people away in times when you absolutly need them, so just make sure you keep that in mind, but ive no doubt that you know that clearly.

thats intersting youll only eat with people- i find it almost physcally impossible to pick up a fork and repeatedly put food into my mouth when im with people. maybe a raisen here or there but definitly no a meal. i start getting nervous as if they are all watching me, and i KNOW they are thinking that im eating so much and that im just getting fatter by the minute. and once i start eating i feel like either i have to stop completely or keep going at a brisk pace, so then i feel like they are watching my inner turmoil play out for them. theres probably not a whole lot more that i hate than that feeling. i guess i feel vulnerable in a way. weird.

and keep ranting, it helps to read it. anyone. :)

[Apples+Oranjes]

see, people dont realize the constant hurt that E.D.s haunt people with.

im very sorry your fiance isnt seeing eye to eye with you, but its good that you understand he just wants whats best. its easy to push people away in times when you absolutly need them, so just make sure you keep that in mind, but ive no doubt that you know that clearly.

thats intersting youll only eat with people- i find it almost physcally impossible to pick up a fork and repeatedly put food into my mouth when im with people. maybe a raisen here or there but definitly no a meal. i start getting nervous as if they are all watching me, and i KNOW they are thinking that im eating so much and that im just getting fatter by the minute. and once i start eating i feel like either i have to stop completely or keep going at a brisk pace, so then i feel like they are watching my inner turmoil play out for them. theres probably not a whole lot more that i hate than that feeling. i guess i feel vulnerable in a way. weird.

and keep ranting, it helps to read it. anyone. :)
yeah well I feel under pressure a lot too, but not for the same reason... I feel under pressure to eat more than I can handle eating, because I feel like they are watching me to make sure I clear my plate. So I get nervous that, if I get full...or if I start to feel shitty about eating, that I won't be able to stop because then everyone's going to get upset about me not eating again.

It IS odd, but I think it's because I've been through the worst stages of an eating disorder, and went through therapy/recovery... So it's like now, there is more of MY mind present than there was in the past... in the past the disorder consumed me to the point, where I didn't have a mind of my own anymore.

I do still.... not enough, because I still get upset over eating to the point that I cant force myself to eat enough, but its there enough for me not have the worst worst behaviors that I did in the past.

I hope you get better.... I know how it feels, and I hope someday you look to recovery

[Barefoot_Surfer]

I have an eating disorder. I know I have it but there is nothing I would do about it.

I am a comfort eater. I tend to eat lots of cakes and sweets. It is an addiction really. When ever I feel stressed I tend to go for a cake or a chocolate bar. It is kind of my vice but it is not doing me any good.
Matt

[dietcoketree]

i think everyone takes comfert in food to atleased some extent, i wonder where the line is drawn that classifys it as a problem. i guess its not too different from any other disorder- its a problem when it consumes your thoughts and actually creates a never-ending stress in your life. do you thnk you have binge-eating disorder?

[gaz or jazz]

comfort eating is dangerous as it is usually a substitute for a deeper seated emotive,well tahts what i found in my own case and it wasnt too long before it ties in too the other side of a balanced diet.
not trying to scare any body just writing from experience.
if any body cares to pm me to alk directly with a eating disorder i will try my best to help as i hve a history of one in particular.
wishing you all good health and peacefull minds

[dietcoketree]

yes, i realize that whether you over eat or undereat, its all just as dangerous.

feel free to share your story, i know atleased i am hearing in your story, and anything else you ahve to say!

[Apples+Oranjes]

Yeah I feel absolutely terrible about myself today.

I would love to write about it on something-fishy but it would probably get locked for being "triggering"...almost anything that isn't talking about recovery is locked, and while I'm all for recovery, I still have to deal with these issues.

I ate pretty close to what a normal person would yesterday, and ever since I've been feeling awful about myself. And I exercise like crazy when I feel like that... not even just because I feel awful about everything I ate, but because if I don't do something to keep myself occupied and active, I start to get insane inside thinking about what I ate and how I wish I wouldn't have, and how I feel like I'm a failure for doing so.

I know that I'm wrong feeling those things.... and that eating is essential, not BAD... but for whatever reason, if I tell myself I'm not going to eat a particular thing, or I'm not going to eat at all, and then I do anyway, I feel like I have NO self-control and that I'm just a big failure with no willpower what-so-ever.

I hate it... because one part of me feels all that, and the other, smart part of me knows that's just a silly thing to feel...but I still can't help it!!!

It really is an obsessive compulsive pattern, because I have this constant back and forth, repititive battle inside me all day long concerning the issue.

It's ruining my fucking life.

Now I'm in pain in my hips from walking so much...in pain in my stomach for overdoing the crunches, and my shoulders hurt from walking with a 5 pound weight in each hand. And I just want to cry and stop doing what I'm doing...but if I stop now without help and support, I'm going to go even more mad.

I'm so out of control....

[Apples+Oranjes]

And yeah,

Eating is necessary to life, as dietcoketree said once...
And I think that's the catch... if I can't be in control of anything else, then to be able to say NO to something so essential to my being, and tough out the hunger and the pain, I feel as if I have conquered something, and that I have power over something. It's the ultimate thing to be able to say NO to.... if I don't cave in to food, which is vital, then at least there's something that I CAN say no to, and be "strong" with.... because I'm not with anything else...and something as powerful as food, is a big thing to be able to say no to and control....

I know that it's exactly opposite.... but what I feel often controls me, more than what I know.

I'm always caving in to what people want, because I sympathize for others more than I do for myself all too often... and I think then, it leaves me in this position where I need to have a hold of something to make me feel tough and strong and like Im not always caving in and weak....

yeah. that sounds fucked.

[dietcoketree]

tears built up reading your post apples.

i dont even know what to say. my body also hurts- yesterday i ate a bread roll that i told myself was just full of carbs and fat and that theres no reason i needed it. but for some reason i just got up and picked it up and ate it. all of it. every-last-crumb..

i ran to the bathroom and started to cry. i knew what i had to do next. but then i came to my senses, and remembered how bad my throat hurts to sing (im a singer) when i purge. so i dried my tears and took me and my full stomach and walked away.

i walked away to the treadmill, where i proceeded to walk 3 miles to burn 300 cals, double the amount in the bread, just incase.

in result i got NONE of my homework done, falling behind in classes and loosing my social life. i know exactly the hurt and turmoil behind each and every one of your words written. now, your doing a lot better than i am considering you getting yourself help and being positive about it, so i hope im not bringing you down. just know that i feel your pain. your not alone. i wish people could realize the things that really make this horror a real pain- its not 'getting skinnier' and just whatever. its those moments where you feel like your fucking worthless cause you cant even control your own self.

[Apples+Oranjes]

tears built up reading your post apples.

i dont even know what to say. my body also hurts- yesterday i ate a bread roll that i told myself was just full of carbs and fat and that theres no reason i needed it. but for some reason i just got up and picked it up and ate it. all of it. every-last-crumb..

i ran to the bathroom and started to cry. i knew what i had to do next. but then i came to my senses, and remembered how bad my throat hurts to sing (im a singer) when i purge. so i dried my tears and took me and my full stomach and walked away.

i walked away to the treadmill, where i proceeded to walk 3 miles to burn 300 cals, double the amount in the bread, just incase.

in result i got NONE of my homework done, falling behind in classes and loosing my social life. i know exactly the hurt and turmoil behind each and every one of your words written. now, your doing a lot better than i am considering you getting yourself help and being positive about it, so i hope im not bringing you down. just know that i feel your pain. your not alone. i wish people could realize the things that really make this horror a real pain- its not 'getting skinnier' and just whatever. its those moments where you feel like your fucking worthless cause you cant even control your own self.
Yeah, exactly...

Although over-exercise is equally as dangerous, I am still proud and glad you walked away from the bathroom. Even though you went straight for the treadmill, eliminating that one thing because it affects something you enjoy in your life, is a step in a good direction... a small step, but a good one. Because you thought of yourself, and what you enjoy in life to the point where it made you a little stronger.

I hope you realize how brave of you that was, even IF you went to exercise... it was still brave to break that habit, if that's what you'd call it.

Treadmills are addicting though... for some reason I always had more of a problem over-exercising when we had a treadmill in the house, than any other time. I still exercise quite a lot, outside, and inside doing my sit ups and curls, but no where NEAR as much as I did on that treadmill. That's all I would do for hours and hours on end any free chance I got...even if it wasnt really free time, as you said you had to do homework and you didnt... that's exactly why I never graduated high school, and got a GED instead.

If these disorders were just an issue with weight... they wouldn't GET to the point where the person is literally dying, and ruining their life to the point where they can't graduate, work, or talk with friends....and they often do get to that point, before they ever get better.

I know it seems as if I'm doing really well because I'm getting help...but dealing with this relapse feels almost harder than before, because now I have a past to compare to... like, sometimes I feel like "I used to go 10 days without eating a thing...and now I can't go two, I'm a fucking loser" And the fact that I have myself to compare TO myself makes it that much more devastating when I'm trying to recover.

I know that everything I feel is a lie, and is absurd, but it's there, and I can't turn it off like a switch....it takes a lot of hard work,and a lot of emotional turbulence to get to the point where you don't feel that way anymore.

It fucking sucks.

[dietcoketree]

haha you said it...

it fucking SUCKS.

[dietcoketree]

interesting tohught- does summer trigger you guys more than in winter because of teh bathing suits and wearing less clothing?

i guess in a way it does for me, but not really. im pretty much this crazy all year round...

[Apples+Oranjes]

Actually, USUALLY it works opposite for me, because I have SAD... so because I get really depressed during the winter months, it often triggers a relapse because of the down-mood I'm in---

But, I guess this year is different than most years.

I believe a lot of my relapse has to do with the fact that I quit smoking, and heightened anxiety/depression, mixed with a little weight gain and what not... I should have been more careful, and paid attention to the signs, but...too late now.

I'm supposed to get my period today and don't even feel PMS in the slightest [I PMS hardcore before my period] ...so I'm a tad nervous about that... I suppose if I miss my period, I need more medical attention/therapy than I thought.

I thought I wasn't doing THAT bad...but then again what I think is really distorted right now.

I hate this... I was doing so well, and then BAM. Ugh....

[barefoot beautiful]

i guess this is something i should probably know already....but have always wondered about this. guess i might as well throw it out there and find out. i have, at times, gone months without a period as a result of eating- disordered patterns (8 months last year being my longest continuous period of this). however, what most of my 5 year battle with this has been characterized by is extremely infrequent and irregular periods. in the past year and a half or so, i haven`t had more than 4 periods- and none of them have been normal (like they were before i started restricting hardcore) as of now, i`m eating fairly normally but my periods haven`t yet returned to normal. first question is whether or not nutritional deficiencies can lead to infrequent and extremely short periods (maybe 3 days of bleeding total); second question is whether or not having a period every couple of months carries the same health risk that complete amenorrhea does.

[Apples+Oranjes]

i guess this is something i should probably know already....but have always wondered about this. guess i might as well throw it out there and find out. i have, at times, gone months without a period as a result of eating- disordered patterns (8 months last year being my longest continuous period of this). however, what most of my 5 year battle with this has been characterized by is extremely infrequent and irregular periods. in the past year and a half or so, i haven`t had more than 4 periods- and none of them have been normal (like they were before i started restricting hardcore) as of now, i`m eating fairly normally but my periods haven`t yet returned to normal. first question is whether or not nutritional deficiencies can lead to infrequent and extremely short periods (maybe 3 days of bleeding total); second question is whether or not having a period every couple of months carries the same health risk that complete amenorrhea does.
Well I actually sort of asked about this on the something-fishy forums just a bit ago, and what I know is vague....but maybe this helps answer your question a tad:

Some people will get their periods back almost immediately.
Some people will take as long as YEARS to get their periods back, and regular again.
And some people NEVER get their period back, and become infertile as a result.

However, since you are getting yours, I would ASSUME that maybe it's just taking a little longer for you to become regular again... keeping eating right, do what you can to keep stress levels low, and don't overdo exercise, and wait it out a bit and see if you get it back more regularly.

Also, someone told me that if you go to the gyno you can have them check your hormone levels and what not, and see if you're still ovulating normally and all that good stuff...and they should be able to tell you whether you are on the right track.

Everyone is different, so no one can really answer that question except your doctor. I have friends who don't get their period every month, don't have an issue with eating, but are completely healthy and normal in their reproductive health....it just is a matter of stress levels for them and what not, and it affects how often or little they get their periods....some people are very touchy like that.

I don't think I am, because I've been under a great DEAL of stress for the past few years, almost consistently and haven't missed a period.... unless I do now...which if I do is probably only because of my eating issue, and nothing more.

Still....like I said, I would go to the gyno if I were you and have it looked at. If I so much as miss this one period, I'm going for sure and being checked...I don't want to take risks of letting it go too long without medical attention, because I'm only 19 and there will be a time when one day I want a kid of my own.

[gaz or jazz]

apples- what is the fear that is driving this problem.is it a fear of putting on weight?
so what!
if that is you in the picture than let me tell you you are a stunning beautifull woman and you have such strong looks.
if not the weight what else emotionly or psychologicaly is driving it.
i know its addictive but it has to stop for the benefit of your long term health.
i have written this without reading in their entirity your posts,so forgive me if i have missed something obvious.
to all those who are suffering from disorders let me tell you i almost lost my life becase of mine but i had to make a choice whether to live or die.
i was within days of losing my life!
but chose to recover,dont know why, just felt i could have a better life.
and although life has thrown some awful things at me since i recovered i have recovered.
maybe the mental process has moved to other areas of diffuculty but i have conquered mine and you can too.
if anyone needs to pm me for help please do.
this is not an illness that discriminates it can afect anyone.

[gaz or jazz]

just a quick line.
apples- i cant beleive you saying you have no self control or will power in my case that what was driving me my obsession with losing as much weight as i could even tho i didnt know why.
you are the queen of self control and when you are ready to recover you can go for it using that will power.
you can overcome this, i did.

[Apples+Oranjes]

apples- what is the fear that is driving this problem.is it a fear of putting on weight?
so what!
if that is you in the picture than let me tell you you are a stunning beautifull woman and you have such strong looks.
if not the weight what else emotionly or psychologicaly is driving it.
i know its addictive but it has to stop for the benefit of your long term health.
i have written this without reading in their entirity your posts,so forgive me if i have missed something obvious.
to all those who are suffering from disorders let me tell you i almost lost my life becase of mine but i had to make a choice whether to live or die.
i was within days of losing my life!
but chose to recover,dont know why, just felt i could have a better life.
and although life has thrown some awful things at me since i recovered i have recovered.
maybe the mental process has moved to other areas of diffuculty but i have conquered mine and you can too.
if anyone needs to pm me for help please do.
this is not an illness that discriminates it can afect anyone.
Thank you--
to answer your questions:

Do I fear gaining weight? Well yes, but not because of the weight itself. Because the issue is centered around control/self-control and the dangerous need I have for feeling in control, the only way that it relates to weight is that... if I don't see the numbers on the scale down, I feel I must not be controlling myself enough. I really, in actuality don't want to be skinny-skinny, or anything to that affect... I think most celebrities are disgusting with how thin they are... so it's not REALLY weight, and as long as I avoid the scale, weight is no part of it what-so-ever. [meaning, if I use the scale, I become focused on relying on the numbers to tell me how 'in control' I've been] And, I do try to avoid the scale at all costs

Is it something else? Yes, like I said it's a control thing. And where does that come from? I'm learning....
Through counseling I have been learning that it has a lot to do with the fact that I am bad at balancing out my spunk and my passiveness--- There are times when my spunk is heightened, and I'm good at telling others "No" when I need to and what not; and when I'm good in terms of having that spunk and utilizing it, my eating is better... and then there are times like now, when I am void of that spunk, and I begin to feel as if I don't do anything for myself, and that I let people walk all over me, because I don't feel strong enough to say no when I need to... and the reason I don't is a fear of hurting others feelings.

Other issues I have directly are related to how I was brought up in terms of food; Both of my parents were a little over the top about meal times, and focused lots on their weights, calories, portions, etc; Not to mention lots of arguments were ignited over dinner time. Perfection was crucial at the dinner table---must sit up straight, no elbows on the table, hold your fork right, eat all your vegetables, chew with your mouth closed, etc---and if any of these "rules" were broken, hell broke loose, and sometimes I was sent to my room.

It's really more than just one thing or another, or even just a couple things.... a lot of small and moderately sized factors have aided in and do in aid in my problems with eating. I'm a sensitive person, and I absorb everything around me.... as with any anxiety people have, they release it somehow, and usually in a negative way, before they ever learn how to cope in HEALTHY ways...and I'mstill in the process of learning healthy coping.

I am finding help, so I can assure you things will be fine. But, I expect it may take a while to get through this.

Thanks for your kind words, and I hope my answers cleared up any confusion :-)

[gaz or jazz]

youre humility and altruism is beautifull.
so many people of your age ,and thats not trying to be dismissive or patronising, are so full of themselves and arrogant an full of bs.
you are obviously a submissive personality,but iwant to ask you if people are prepared to walk over you are they worthy of your sensitivity to them?
to hell with them they aint worth a jot.
youre right about the scales and seeing them move down,that brought back a lot of memories to me! but i got over it by getting something else that was more important!
you already realise that!
you can do it.
what else do you have in your life that you can focus on with as much strength of character where you can prove to yourself and others what a strong and onderfull person you are?
Youre parents no longer control you do they?
so you can get out of there table routines.
i can remember how awkward it was when i was ill,and she seved me a meal and i had to have everything just right on the plate,the portions and how they were seved how to get rid of them when she wasnt looking, how to hide food,how to make it look like i had eat it and so on.
thankfully those days are gone.
id like to thank you .apples for thestrength you are giving me in through youre writing.
you are a beautifull woman.

[nayanrajeev]

i m careless and do not care food. m i suffering from eating disorder

[dietcoketree]

probably not,because eating disorders are all about caring- just not for yourself. and ususally, people with an e.d. DO care about food, just not in the normal way. i tihnk about food all day long. how many calories, the ingredients, the taste, and the fear of it really. its all a mind game- because i can rarely bring myself to actually eat the food.

but i cant tell you if you do or dont have an ED, everyone feels and deals with them a bit differently. maybe your way is to just disregurd and not care about food. have you read these posts? do any of them relate to you? you dont have to be diognosed as anorexic or bulimic, you could be EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), which is still as bad and can/ will morph into a more visible problem.

[Apples+Oranjes]

youre humility and altruism is beautifull.
so many people of your age ,and thats not trying to be dismissive or patronising, are so full of themselves and arrogant an full of bs.
you are obviously a submissive personality,but iwant to ask you if people are prepared to walk over you are they worthy of your sensitivity to them?
to hell with them they aint worth a jot.
youre right about the scales and seeing them move down,that brought back a lot of memories to me! but i got over it by getting something else that was more important!
you already realise that!
you can do it.
what else do you have in your life that you can focus on with as much strength of character where you can prove to yourself and others what a strong and onderfull person you are?
Youre parents no longer control you do they?
so you can get out of there table routines.
i can remember how awkward it was when i was ill,and she seved me a meal and i had to have everything just right on the plate,the portions and how they were seved how to get rid of them when she wasnt looking, how to hide food,how to make it look like i had eat it and so on.
thankfully those days are gone.
id like to thank you .apples for thestrength you are giving me in through youre writing.
you are a beautifull woman.
*blush* Well thank you...

I know I will overcome this, it's just a matter of time, patience,and hard work. :)

[Apples+Oranjes]

oh yeah. today I ate like a normal person, and i feel like i'm going insane inside. i can't stop pacing and freaking out.

it really sucks that i want to be healthy, and eat healthy, but when i do, i feel like im a loser.

i hate myself for eating all that i did, and i know to people who dont have an ED or dont get it, think that's absurd.

so i cant even talk to anyone else about this right now

so i just get to deal with tossing and turning in bed all night thinking about how much i suck and just want to cry until my stomach hurts.

;aldskjf

[dietcoketree]

its that same feelign that makes me not want to get better. i dont really even think about getting better. one day i was with my familyy all day and ate like they did for a day, and that night i cried myself to sleep for about 2 1/2 hours. all because my stomach hurt so bad and i felt so bad. i felt such guilt, such pain inside. i promised myself id never do that to myself again. id never allow myself to attempt to eat more than i "know" i should, because its not worth the pain. it was tehn that i decided the lyign and manipulating was WELL WORTH the pain inside id feel otherwise.

i watch myself write these things and i know in the back of my head they are not logical. but actually, they are quite logical to me. ugh i dont know. im sorry about your bad day apples, i really am. :(

[Apples+Oranjes]

Yeah, I dig what you're saying... But, when I feel that way, although I feel the way you do, I also just plain and simple feel like... I just wish I could eat normal like that, and just not feel upset. Rather than just being upset, and thinking that not eating is worth it...or whatever, I just feel like I wish I didn't have to feel that way.

Ugh, I can't explain it.

But, I AM apprehensive to proceed with recovery, because I know I'm going to have to feel this way a lot through my recovery, and right now I don't feel like I can deal with that. I don't feel strong enough, or prepared for it. But, I want recovery so bad ...so I'm all torn up inside. I still haven't told my counselor.

I went to counseling yesterday... and we do a lot of dream work in my counseling, which is helpful to me, because I have very very vibrant dreams, and they often really affect me in some way or another--- Anyhow, the dream I told her about yesterday, when she was asking me questions, to help me analyze what this dream may have meant to me, I knew for a fact it related to issues with my eating, but I couldn't and didn't tell her...and I think she could see through it. When I told her "I Don't Know" or came up with something else to answer with...I could see in her eyes that she knew I wasn't being 100% honest. Sure, most of the things I said were truthful, but I didn't give her the whole truth, and I gathered from her reaction to everything that she could sense there was more to it, than what I was giving her.

I feel like I am making a lot of progress with her in a lot of areas that are huge concerns of mine... But, is there going to only be a limit to the amount of progress I make with her, if I don't tell her about my eating? I'm still debating inside, about that, because... I have one theory, that maybe, if I work out all these other issues with her, it will have an affect on my issues with eating, because eating disorders have very very little to do with the actual eating/not eating part...and more to do with the way you feel about other issues in your life. BUt the other part of me thinks, and knows, that if I don't tell her, it will probably get in the way of important things that I'm currently feeling that she may need to know about to help me.

*sigh*

Anyway... I pretty much set in stone for my boyfriend that there is no way in hell I am going to go out to eat with him ANYMORE for a long time, because I just get too upset. He always begs me to go to all these chinese places and what not with him, thinking that if I just go through with it and tough it out that I will end up being okay, but im NOT. It makes me feel worse, and it seems to further my behaviors.

I.E. I will starve myself for days after eating that way, or I will exercise til I hurt so bad that I'm practically immobile the next day, etc. And, when I just eat the little amounts that I do from day to day, and keep with it, I don't go crazy to the point where I completely starve myself or OVERDO exercise.

I know myself and my disorder better than anyone else does, and I'm sick of people trying to tell me how it is, or will be, etc.

Unless its coming from a therapist or dietition who deals with EDs, I highly doubt they get what I'm going through.

;lasdkjf;alksjdf

[gaz or jazz]

but apples a lot of us have shared your thoughts who went through this in the past so we know and remember your pain and unsettled mind.
dont over eat just eat the right amount and settle your mind.
once you decide to eat a balanced diet on a regular basis it will become easier in your mind i gauruntee that,honest it will.
but you musnt give in to these thoughts of it being wrong when you eat too much.
just relax and eat the right balanced amount and you will get there.

[dietcoketree]

I know myself and my disorder better than anyone else does, and I'm sick of people trying to tell me how it is, or will be, etc.


its like you took the thought right out of my mind.

[Apples+Oranjes]

random note:
I feel really violent when I hear/see of pro-ana websites and the like. I wish I could find those fucking morons and break their fucking faces.

rant, end.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Yeah also, I have come to the conclusion that the something-fishy forums are lame. I understand that they have to watch and regulate it so that no one puts anything triggering or the like on there, but, they get really carried away with the posts they close.

I don't know if I'm going to go back there again, it's annoying. You can't really talk anything of much importance without it getting closed. It's lame.

[dietcoketree]

yea i used to go to a site like that, it may have even been that one, (i dont remember cause i was on it for only like 2 days) but it was so dumb cause they let you say almost nothing at all.

so thats why i like this site. except the few people who think they know everything. its funny; im not a hippy AT ALL but this is one of my favorite sites, this and myspace.

so my ED is getting crazy- and im feeling some serious pain. ive been realyl sad and depressed lately and i just dont care to eat drink or even swallow my spit (ive noticed i spit my saliva so i dont retain it as water that could be making me bloat).. and tongiht i was out with family for dinner and ordered teh usualy: vegeburger, no bun, only lettuce and a tomato. and wow, eating just like 3 bites made me literally sick.

ugh. it hurts but it feels so good. i dont know why i tihnk this but i really like this hurt, even though all it makes me want to do is lye down and cry. i deserve it.

[spooner]

yea i used to go to a site like that, it may have even been that one, (i dont remember cause i was on it for only like 2 days) but it was so dumb cause they let you say almost nothing at all.

so thats why i like this site. except the few people who think they know everything. its funny; im not a hippy AT ALL but this is one of my favorite sites, this and myspace.

so my ED is getting crazy- and im feeling some serious pain. ive been realyl sad and depressed lately and i just dont care to eat drink or even swallow my spit (ive noticed i spit my saliva so i dont retain it as water that could be making me bloat).. and tongiht i was out with family for dinner and ordered teh usualy: vegeburger, no bun, only lettuce and a tomato. and wow, eating just like 3 bites made me literally sick.

ugh. it hurts but it feels so good. i dont know why i tihnk this but i really like this hurt, even though all it makes me want to do is lye down and cry. i deserve it.
that really sucks, hun. :(

[Suncatch22]

I have weight problems too ... I was normal-sized until I was four years old and my grandmother started to take care of me. She encouraged me to eat A LOT more than I should ... because I was a little kid and I liked cookies and candy, right ... ? Plus my mother worked at a vending company, so it was all free.

I carried extra baby fat all through elementary and middle school, hating every minute but not knowing enough to relate bad eating habits to extra weight. The other kids teased me to the point that I attempted suicide in SIXTH GRADE.

Then I got to high school, and learned about diet and nutrition. I started to work out, run, and so on, in addition to riding horseback and doing farm chores.

But then I began to compete horseback, and saw how I looked in sleek tan English riding pants compared to the other stick-thin girls ... and hated myself for it. So the eating disorder began.

"Fortunately" for me I had an extremely overweight friend who kept me clued into new dieting trends ... I tried low-fat, low-carbohydrate (though I used *naturally low-sugar foods, not those icky packaged crap foods ... plus I was vegetarian so I used soy meats), then low-EVERYTHING -- which got old VERY FAST.

Then I started to eat only all-natural foods, and felt better very quickly. But I watched what I ate and when I ate, like a hawk. I would eat 150 calories or less, every two hours or more ... my life was spent counting minutes because I was so hungry and couldn't wait for the next two-hour marker.

Once I got to college I only got worse, because I could barely afford food ... plus I had access to free gym equipment so I worked out to the point of exhaustion every night, in addition to playing on a soccer team and taking a kickboxing class. But I finally looked GREAT, even to my own eyes. And the scale read 112 and dropping ...

which finally terrified me. When I saw that I, as a 5'5" girl, weighed 112 pounds but STILL had a little extra at the tops of my thighs and on my lower belly, I realized that something was amiss.

I might not have stopped, though, if I hadn't got pregnant. I lost the baby and plunged into a deep depression -- stopped working out, started eating more, and gained back all that I had lost, until I weighed 130 pounds.

That was a bit too much, so I got back to 125 ... started to date the poet and felt really good about myself ... but now that he is gone I find myself hating the reflection in the mirror. Now I can barely eat without getting sick, and I am trying to diet again. I have no idea what I weigh, but I am visibly thinner, and since I am living mostly on nutrition bars, fruit, and pita bread, plus taking ridiculously long walks just to clear my head, it's no wonder.

I wouldn't mind getting nice and fit again ... but I hope I don't get too thin.

Thank you, ladies (and any gents ... I didn't read all 17 pages here), for giving me a reality check ... and for finally letting me admit this!

Much peace and love to you all !!

-- * Kristi *

PS: I love the lack of rude comments ... thanks to everyone who has considered posting one but decided not to. :)

[lynsey]

my mom expressed worry to me tonight I was bawling not becuase I am in pain fron spraining a muscle, not becuase I just started a new stressful job but because I thought I gained weight from not being able to go to the gym yesterday and today and do not know how I will make it rhough the week. I had a relapse of my bulimia for the first time in a really long time. I ate a piece of cake and felt disgusted with myself that I ate that when I can't burn it of tommorow and I got rid of it and then drank more and more water and kept making it come up until it was clear and I can see I was em,pty again. I've been so good. I ahven't been getting enough calories but still at least 1000 and I haven't purged in so long I feel like I blew it ):I have weight problems too ... I was normal-sized until I was four years old and my grandmother started to take care of me. She encouraged me to eat A LOT more than I should ... because I was a little kid and I liked cookies and candy, right ... ? Plus my mother worked at a vending company, so it was all free.

I carried extra baby fat all through elementary and middle school, hating every minute but not knowing enough to relate bad eating habits to extra weight. The other kids teased me to the point that I attempted suicide in SIXTH GRADE.

Then I got to high school, and learned about diet and nutrition. I started to work out, run, and so on, in addition to riding horseback and doing farm chores.

But then I began to compete horseback, and saw how I looked in sleek tan English riding pants compared to the other stick-thin girls ... and hated myself for it. So the eating disorder began.

"Fortunately" for me I had an extremely overweight friend who kept me clued into new dieting trends ... I tried low-fat, low-carbohydrate (though I used *naturally low-sugar foods, not those icky packaged crap foods ... plus I was vegetarian so I used soy meats), then low-EVERYTHING -- which got old VERY FAST.

Then I started to eat only all-natural foods, and felt better very quickly. But I watched what I ate and when I ate, like a hawk. I would eat 150 calories or less, every two hours or more ... my life was spent counting minutes because I was so hungry and couldn't wait for the next two-hour marker.

Once I got to college I only got worse, because I could barely afford food ... plus I had access to free gym equipment so I worked out to the point of exhaustion every night, in addition to playing on a soccer team and taking a kickboxing class. But I finally looked GREAT, even to my own eyes. And the scale read 112 and dropping ...

which finally terrified me. When I saw that I, as a 5'5" girl, weighed 112 pounds but STILL had a little extra at the tops of my thighs and on my lower belly, I realized that something was amiss.

I might not have stopped, though, if I hadn't got pregnant. I lost the baby and plunged into a deep depression -- stopped working out, started eating more, and gained back all that I had lost, until I weighed 130 pounds.

That was a bit too much, so I got back to 125 ... started to date the poet and felt really good about myself ... but now that he is gone I find myself hating the reflection in the mirror. Now I can barely eat without getting sick, and I am trying to diet again. I have no idea what I weigh, but I am visibly thinner, and since I am living mostly on nutrition bars, fruit, and pita bread, plus taking ridiculously long walks just to clear my head, it's no wonder.

I wouldn't mind getting nice and fit again ... but I hope I don't get too thin.

Thank you, ladies (and any gents ... I didn't read all 17 pages here), for giving me a reality check ... and for finally letting me admit this!

Much peace and love to you all !!

-- * Kristi *

PS: I love the lack of rude comments ... thanks to everyone who has considered posting one but decided not to. :)

[Apples+Oranjes]

dietcoketree:

That's no good.... at my worst, I was like that too. It got to the point where I couldn't walk more than probably 20 feet without feeling like I was out of breath and going to pass out. My body started aching terribly.... Not even being able to injest liquids is very very dangerous, because the number one thing that keeps you alive is water.

your body can and will survive without food for periods of time [it's built to be able to do that in case of emergency] however, water is something it needs, and can't live without for even a matter of days.

I know it's hard but please, dear, try to drink some water.

Suncatch:

Thanks for sharing your story... if you ever need anything this is a good place to come, it has been for me. :)

Lynsey:

I'm really sorry to hear that.... I know you've been on this thread before, and you sounded like you recovered... I'm sorry to hear that it fell through a little. But, that will happen. Have you ever had a relapse since you decided to get better? If not, don't worry, it's still 100% possible to get back on your feet again, relapses are completely normal for anyone who has had a problem with it.



And I don't feel like talking/sharing my own stuff right now... I'm dreading seeing the nutritionist. I'm scared to death.

[lynsey]

no this is my first relapse ): I had been really good. I think I am just going to eat really lightly and healthy this week until I can work out again just to make sure I don't do it again. I was on pain meds so my head was not on straight, when I chose to eat the cake and when I chose to get rid of it and I slipped back into old habits. I am really upset with myself but I guess I just have to move on and try harder. Guess I wasn't as over it as I thought I was ):dietcoketree:

That's no good.... at my worst, I was like that too. It got to the point where I couldn't walk more than probably 20 feet without feeling like I was out of breath and going to pass out. My body started aching terribly.... Not even being able to injest liquids is very very dangerous, because the number one thing that keeps you alive is water.

your body can and will survive without food for periods of time [it's built to be able to do that in case of emergency] however, water is something it needs, and can't live without for even a matter of days.

I know it's hard but please, dear, try to drink some water.

Suncatch:

Thanks for sharing your story... if you ever need anything this is a good place to come, it has been for me. :)

Lynsey:

I'm really sorry to hear that.... I know you've been on this thread before, and you sounded like you recovered... I'm sorry to hear that it fell through a little. But, that will happen. Have you ever had a relapse since you decided to get better? If not, don't worry, it's still 100% possible to get back on your feet again, relapses are completely normal for anyone who has had a problem with it.



And I don't feel like talking/sharing my own stuff right now... I'm dreading seeing the nutritionist. I'm scared to death.

[Apples+Oranjes]

no this is my first relapse ): I had been really good. I think I am just going to eat really lightly and healthy this week until I can work out again just to make sure I don't do it again. I was on pain meds so my head was not on straight, when I chose to eat the cake and when I chose to get rid of it and I slipped back into old habits. I am really upset with myself but I guess I just have to move on and try harder. Guess I wasn't as over it as I thought I was ):
aww don't beat yourself up over it though.. I know it can be disheartening, but it happens. I felt the same way, too, and I have come to the conclusion that to believe you're completely over something like an eating disorder probably makes you more vulnerable. I think with an eating disorder you always have to be aware, and self-aware to avoid slipping back into it. But that's just my theory.

If it does get worse...I hope you get help for it. Don't let it get the best of you <3

[dietcoketree]

all things get worse before they get better. maybe this is the turning point that will make you put every ounce of effort into getting better.

im not religious at all, but sometimes things happen for a reason. best of hope to you.

[lynsey]

I'm starting to crave the thiness I used to have again. I had a picture taken the other day for work, got so many complments I couldn't stop noticing that my collarbone wasn't showing as much as I would like it to. This makes no sense I was chubby even fat at times for almost the past two years and then I got mono lost a lot of weight and now I feel like I just can't get skinny enough I hit my goal wieght, my body fat percentage goal and it's not good enough for me i went from a 12 to a 10 to an 8 and now i wanna be a 4. In my head I know I am 5'10 a 4-6 is crazy for my height, unhealthy but fat digusts me on me i drive past fast food places and the smell of frying makes me throw up in my mouth, I grab the fat on my stomach and wish i could take a knife and cut it off

i got so mad in this thread a few weeks ago because i knew i was having a problem again and i wanted to deny it and pretend i was better than everyone else who was still going through it but I am 24 years old and I am still struggeling with this my heart aches for me. I know it is so wrong but i can't stop thinking. i don't act on it a lot. i eat 1k calories a day at least so I am ok but it is hard to not go below that it's a struggle.

aww don't beat yourself up over it though.. I know it can be disheartening, but it happens. I felt the same way, too, and I have come to the conclusion that to believe you're completely over something like an eating disorder probably makes you more vulnerable. I think with an eating disorder you always have to be aware, and self-aware to avoid slipping back into it. But that's just my theory.

If it does get worse...I hope you get help for it. Don't let it get the best of you <3

[Apples+Oranjes]

I'm starting to crave the thiness I used to have again. I had a picture taken the other day for work, got so many complments I couldn't stop noticing that my collarbone wasn't showing as much as I would like it to. This makes no sense I was chubby even fat at times for almost the past two years and then I got mono lost a lot of weight and now I feel like I just can't get skinny enough I hit my goal wieght, my body fat percentage goal and it's not good enough for me i went from a 12 to a 10 to an 8 and now i wanna be a 4. In my head I know I am 5'10 a 4-6 is crazy for my height, unhealthy but fat digusts me on me i drive past fast food places and the smell of frying makes me throw up in my mouth, I grab the fat on my stomach and wish i could take a knife and cut it off

i got so mad in this thread a few weeks ago because i knew i was having a problem again and i wanted to deny it and pretend i was better than everyone else who was still going through it but I am 24 years old and I am still struggeling with this my heart aches for me. I know it is so wrong but i can't stop thinking. i don't act on it a lot. i eat 1k calories a day at least so I am ok but it is hard to not go below that it's a struggle. I feel bad for kind of freaking out on you a few weeks ago now http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/embarassed.gif

You sound so much like me, and because of that, I sympathize...rather empathize for you, because it's not a fun feeling to have. Wishing you cut off your fat with a knife is something I've been feeling like since I was YOUNG... and everytime I think about how long I've been dealing with such hardcore feelings, it makes me really sad inside.

My point is...just because you're 24 years old makes no difference. You can be 5 or you can be 60 and still have a problem with it. Some girls develop eating disorders when they are too young to even know what's going on... other WOMEN develop eating disorders not until they are well into their middle ages, it's not an age issue.

And it has NOTHING to do with your maturity or intelligence, if that's what makes you feel bad. I know it's hard to look at it realistically when things are distorted, because the disease is what distorts it... But you know that inside YOU are there, and YOU know what's realistic and healthy and just because you have a disorder doesn't make you any less intelligent or grown up.

I was actually reading, very recently, too about how being ill can "trigger" someone who has had issues with eating in the past, because of weight loss or loss of appetite, and the fact that you got mono probably has a lot to do with it.

You sound like a very smart woman, and I'm sure that you won't let it get the best of you.




The only issue with eating disorders is the "voices" of yourself, and the voice of your disorder are sometimes hard to distinguish, and choose between. I often have a problem siding with myself, rather than the disorder. I want help so bad, but my disorder wants me to be sick.

I'm literally dreading going to the nutritionist next week because my disorder is causing me to fear being healthy again, and afraid of getting "fat" even though the real me knows that's not true at all.

But in any event that you know which part is you talking [thinking] always go with YOU. It will save your life...

p.s. 1k calories a day may not be enough either... it's not as dangerous as it could be, but especially if you do start exercising again 1k will not be enough. 1k sounds like a lot to me, as someone with a distorted perception on the whole thing, but I know facts too, and the fact is most normal, healthy adult human beings need around 2k calories a day to stay healthy and obtain all the vitamins they need. Some people even need to eat more than 2k a day BECAUSE they work out a lot, or have high metabolisms.

[MoonjavaSeed]

I've had issues with my weight since I was about 8 or 9 years old.. It didn't really get very out of hand till this past year. It's been to the point where I didnt eat for days and just told people I was "fasting" and cleansing and whatnot, and I used laxatives for quite a while... I lost my period for about six months (its back now, thankfully), I exercised compulsively, and I had some bulimic tendencies for a couple of months. For a while I went vegan and then raw vegan in hopes to lose weight and I just kept losing my period, and feeling weak (physically) all the time. The lowest point was when I wasn't even letting myself have a glass of water because I was just so afraid it would make my stomach protrude out... Also, I realized shortly after that someday I might not be able to have kids, and it hit me how selfish it was, and how much help I needed, and I just couldn't take it any more because my life was just based on food. What I was going to eat, how much, when, where, calories, fat, fibre, how quickly it digests and will get out of my system, and all that.. agh.. It hasn't left me entirely yet.

Finally I got help and started talking to a counsellor/health nurse at my school privately and she's really helped a lot... I still can find myself seeing food as my enemy a lot of the time, but it's definitely getting and gotten a TON better. I am extreeeeemely thankful it only went as far as it did, as I never quite got to a point where I was just skin and bones. To all of you out there who responded about having eating disorders, I sincerely hope you all overcome them and to those who have, you have a deep respect from me. Thanks Dietcoketree, for posting this thread. It's good to know I'm not the only one around here who's dealing with it all...

[dietcoketree]

my heart just aches for everyone here. isnt it funny how we have no problem telling eachother, "youll get better soon" and "i know youll overcome," even though, i know me atleased, has NO intention of seeking recovery?

this is really bad but ill just admit it on here- ive known people at my school become very thin from anorexia or bulimia and i desperatly hope for their recovery.... so that they will look bigger and maybe i could BEAT them...

ugh i feel so dirty thinking that. but its the truth. and not only that, but i sometimes wish i could be the only one with the problem so i could look like i have the most self control and i dont know.

i also am disgusted with people around me when they eat. i feel a lot better then them when im not eating and they are pigging out on extreme calories that i can basically see go straight to their hip.

im not trying to promote eating disorders, nor do i want to convey anything 'triggering,' but i just want this forum to be honest. and thats honesty- i have never before admitted such selfishness.

[MoonjavaSeed]

I've had those same sorts of feelings before too actually.. My mom is a friggin stick figure and she eats like a horse. She's so tiny.. She's 48 and honestly I've had myself wishing I had her body, many many times. There's been times when she offered to get a gym membership with me or exercise with me.. And I wouldn't let her because I was afraid she'd wind up looking better than me.. I can't believe how horrible that sounds.

I always felt a little better when I got to school because there are a lot ( a lottt) of overweight people, and I just felt like...I just felt a little more adequate and not so worthless... But when you actually look at it.. I can't believe how I just measured my own self worth for so long on my waistline..

When you were talking about "no intention of recovery," dietcoke tree... I can definitely remember going through that. It was so hard to even comprehend just .. being normal. Throughout it all, I was just wishing (well, still am now..) that I could just eat normally and be satisfied, not have to deal with all that stuff. But then it seemed like "if I eat normally, I'm going to be fat." Eventually after talking to my counsellor/an assortment of close friends(one of which I found out was going through the same things as me), I knew I had to stop it all.

Not even sure how the hell it happened, but I've just been feeling better. We only get one life, and I need to enjoy it while I can, and I won't be enjoying anything or experiencing much if my life revolves around my guilt for eating something that really won't hurt me. For me, at first, to stop eating was just a lazy approach to lose weight, but then it transformed into a whole.. whatever it became. It obsessed me and broke me apart for a very long time. I've come to accept that it was just hurting myself, hurting my chance of having a family, hurting the family and friends I have now, and wearing everyone out. I saw a picture of myself from the side about two weeks ago and it really hit me, that I didn't/don't need to lose weight. When I actually saw myself and I wasn't looking in a mirror, I saw what other people see, and then I realized how ridiculous it all was. I'm a size 2/3 and I was trying to get down to a 1 or zero. A zero for god's sake. Nothing. Ahh god now that.. it just seems so stupid now that I see it. I finally started to just exercise for an appropriate amount of time, and I eat good healthy foods, good portion sizes, but if I slip up, (heres where I have trouble a lot of them time) I try my hardest not to dwell on it.

Anyhow, I just.. It's been even more eye opening to write that whole spew right there, and to read everyone's posts also. I'll say it again, but thanks for making this thread.

[Apples+Oranjes]

I really can't honestly say I've ever felt that way...

I've felt that whole not wanting to recover thing, but wanting others to recover, but not for the same reason. For me it's always just been a factor of having a hard time breaking away from the disorder, especially now because I've been dealing with it so long, sometimes I feel like it's part of me...even though it's really not. I never felt competitive with it, but I guess a LOT of people do...

But, like I said before, mine's not so much a weight issue.

I fear recovery, because I fear losing that control that I feel like I have... but the reason that I go ahead with recovery is because I know that fear is completely off base, and that in reality I'm nowhere near in control...the disease controls ME.

It consumes me to a point that I can't live anymore, because my every day is dictated by my disorder... What I'm going to, or don't want to eat dictates me, what I have eaten or hadn't eaten dictates me, and controls how I feel, and what I do, and the kind of person I am, and it's not ME. I've become ridiculously careless with my health, even though I care probably more than anyone I know, about health.

I even slipped up and smoked a few times this past week, because of the stupid disorder. Something that I worked so hard to quit, and was so proud of, in a matter of seconds didn't matter to me anymore, because my disease has such a grip on me that the only that matters is being "in control" no matter how much I worry about how it's going to physically hurt me, I go through with it anyway.

Anyway my point was.... this isn't something I want. I only hold on to it because I'm afraid of letting go. This isn't something I want other people to have because I know how much it ruins your life, and I hate to see others go through what I have/am. I don't envy girls smaller than me, that have eating disorders, rather I wish I could help.... I will admit though, I envy people that eat like pigs and stay like toothpicks, but I'm pretty sure it's normal for people to wish they were like that. And anyway, weight for me, isn't an issue, rather it's only a small part of the result of my "control", and the only time I really get concerned about the weight, is if I gain, then I think I'm "losing control" again.

dietcoketree, don't take this to offense, but because you are still a LITTLE younger, you're going to notice changes... as you grow older, your eating disorder will change too. I might have been like you a few years ago [though I don't really remember because that period of my life is kind of a cloud...] I was very full of angst, didn't really care that anyone around me was upset about it, and I felt very selfish in my ways. But as I grew it changed... [and you DO change a TON just within a few years around our age range... I still see myself changing, day to day, growing and learning] through experience, and lots of let-downs I had realized how much it was ruining my life, and how terrible of a person I had become as opposed to the person I really was. But, I had forgotten who I was. When I started recovery... I had to like, re-learn anything I ever knew about myself all over again, because the disorder had overshawdowed it to a point that I couldn't see it anymore.

I want recovery more than anything, honestly....
I'm just scared. There is nothing wrong with that though. I'm NOT going to let my fear stop me from conquering this.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Also, do you think that your habit of observing others eat, is something you sort of "trained" yourself to do to make you disgusted in eating, so that you wouldn't?

I ask only because, I used to do that a lot... and it was a result of me conditioning myself to become disgusted with food.

The real fact of the matter is, basically ANYONE with an eating disorder does NOT hate food, in fact, even those with anorexia are quite obsessed with food.... rather they train themselves to hate it because they are disgusted in the fact that they are obsessed with food. That's how I've always felt.

I will fully admit I'm pretty much obsessed with food. And I won't lie, I love food... but I often find myself making comments about food being disgusting, even when it really isn't, because I rather "yearn" to NOT care about food, and to not like it so much.

I used to do this thing... where when I would go to eat, say it was a salad, I would picture something like a leaf worm crawling in it, so that I would lose my appetite for it. It got to the point where yes, I was not only disgusted with food, but I was AFRAID of it... I was afraid that anything I would try to eat would be contaminated with pests or droppings, or dirt, or mold...etc. and that made my recovery VERY difficult....

It got to the point where I didn't have to imagine it anymore, it was something I automatically assumed about the food in front of me or something. It was terrible.

Anyway.... my point was, often times, it's not that you really find it disgusting, it's that your disorder has trained you to find it disgusting

[dietcoketree]

i totally agree with that... i absolutly love food.

and i also do that where i make myself disgusted. for example ill get a bowl of ice cream and right before i eat it, ill look at it and think, "this is so gross. theres part cow in here (dairy), and disgusting sugar, and it will be so cold ill shiver" and i just make it seem to myself like theres no reason why id volentarily put that into my body. when i see people eating, ill tihnk of how many calories they are eating and i tihnk that they are also 'just gross.'

i know that its just mind games but they are so beleivable at the time.

[em girl]

I've been struggeling with it for years now. I'm doing better than I was before but I still have a ways to go. What is the worst part about it though is how sneaky you become to hide it from everyone- I became really good at it no one ever knew, they just thought I couldn't keep weight on. when I got down to 94LBS and I'm 5'7" I finally started to wake up. I'm now up to 110LBS but like I said I still have a long way to go not only with gaining back some more weight but also changing the way I think about my body.

[em girl]

wow after reading what I just posted it made me sound so much more in control than I actually am. I really did get up to 110LBS but for the past 3 days I went hard core back to my old rortine of fasting, eating pills and chain smoking, exercising . I wanted to be thin again b/c my x-bf is coming up to see me and I have a lot of social events to attend this weekend and I wanted everyone to see me thin. In actuality most people, rob included (thats the x-bf) think I'm way too thin- in reality I know its for me but convincing myself its for everone else just some how in my head makes it more ok to do it. its just so disgusting but its so hard to stop I feel like I can never be too thin.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Ok, this isn't meant to encourage your behaviors, because I know sometimes compliments can do that, but I just looked at your gallery and you're fucking CUTE!

I understand what you mean totally though... and 110 at 5'7" is already underweight... I'm 5'7" as well, and I currently weight 120. 118 is considered the lowest weight in the healthy range for our height. I'm obsessive, so I kind of looked into that =/

[dietcoketree]

the past couple days ive just been like whatever.. i leave my house early in the morning and dont come back until 9 or 10 and eat NOTHING. i ate a raisin. my family problems are stressing me out so bad and its like food just bothers me now. its like, why even bother. why even BOTHER.

i just want to cry all the time now. i feel so ugly, so numb, just so unnessesary. its not like a i feel unloved, because that would be disrespectful to those who do so much for me, but i just feel like things would be just fine if i wasnt here. i dont feel suicidal, just maybe like a long vacation wouldnt hurt. just go somewhere else and start over. just all new.

this old routine of waking up and fighting with my mom, getting in tiffs with my sister and then just hiding out in my room or leaving is getting so old. i miss my old boyfriend so much. he was my get away. i could escape life with him, even if just for an hour. now i feel like i have nothing.

and all i can think to myself is, if im going to feel this miserable, i mind as well look good doing it.

:(

[Apples+Oranjes]

I go see the nutritionist tomorrow... eeek! I know there's nothing to fear, in reality... but I do.

I know it's going to be overwhelming, simply because the mere thought of eating right now is stressful for me, and the whole session is going to be focusing on planning out my meals and discussing food and what not.

Tomorrow, I'm sure I will be pretty drained... blah.

[barefoot beautiful]

random question....how and with what can my boyfriend help with my struggle with an eating disorder? josh knows and is supportive, but we`re unsure as to what exactly he can do to best help me. obviously he can reassure me that i`m beautiful when i need to hear it most, take me out to eat what i will eat on days when i`ve not eaten enough, be there to listen when i need someone to listen, etc....but at what point does his desire to help me and be there for me begin to place unnecessary stress on the relationship?

[Apples+Oranjes]

random question....how and with what can my boyfriend help with my struggle with an eating disorder? josh knows and is supportive, but we`re unsure as to what exactly he can do to best help me. obviously he can reassure me that i`m beautiful when i need to hear it most, take me out to eat what i will eat on days when i`ve not eaten enough, be there to listen when i need someone to listen, etc....but at what point does his desire to help me and be there for me begin to place unnecessary stress on the relationship?I'm not completely sure what you're looking for...

But I think the best thing that a significant other can do in this particular situation is to let you feel in control with it... meaning, not to push you into anything you don't feel comfortable with. I think someone that close to you, needs to let you feel somewhat empowered, as that's the main cause of most eating disorders... feeling a lack of control.

I think once a significant other becomes to obsessed with trying to help you, it does more harm than good.

Of course you need a sense that he still cares, but... too much questioning about what you ate, or telling you have to eat, or get help, will tend to wear on you... even if you know the intentions are coming from a good place.

The other most helpful thing is to listen to your feelings about things, specifically your disorder, no matter how hard it is to hear them. The single most irritating thing to me, about the way my fiancee handles it is he seems to tune me out when I try to vent about my feelings, because its too difficult for him to hear about it... but then that makes me feel upset, and less supported by him. Also, along with listening, is he needs to listen to a point where he can try to see your point of view. Though he will never fully understand it, to at least listen to what you say, and take it in and believe that what you're saying is rock solid and truthful... that will help a lot, because I think it will put some of his fears or assumptions at rest.

If he knows that its because of this or that, or not because of this or that it will help HIM to naturally avoid putting you in certain situations or avoid saying triggering things, etc. Dig?

It will always put unnecessary stress on the relationship no matter how you go about it though, and there's no way you can avoid it, other than to get help and recover. An eating disorder is stressful for you, and everyone around you is included into that equation... it doesnt matter which end you approach it from, it's still going to be just as stressful on friendships, relationships, and family relationships.

[dietcoketree]

let him be whatever you allow him to. do you want him to do more than take you to eat on days that you need it? do you want him to do more? less?

its really all up to you- i know that i dont let people do ANYTHING. my last boyfriend of 6 months saw me eat once and whenever he brought the topic of food up, i became very cold and somewhat bitter. he soon learned it was not a topic to bring up with me.

then again, he didnt officially know i had a problem. but since yours does know, i say just let him have whatever part you want him to. come out and tell gim what you want from him, becuase he probably is a bit overwhelmed about how he fits into this whole situation.

[awake in my sleep420]

i am 14 and since i was nine i only eat about every other day sometimes i wouldnt l\eat 4 a few weeks well they caught on to that eventualy so now i eat but i think it is possible thaT I HAVE BULIMIA CAUSE 4 the last 4 months i started making myself puke again and now when i eat i feel the need top puke physicaly i can look at a toilet now and and immediatly puke nobody knows my parents lost custdoty of this weekend cause my step dad did things to me and my mom beat the shit outta me sooooooooooo things have realy gone to hell and to top it off i was last night i was literaly about 6 feet away from being in a car accident it was a head on collsion and i saw the guy dead in his car after he rolled down the hill i saw them cut him out and put him in a body bag the mental images have been driving me insane can u help me???

[lalalamort]

eat?

[lynsey]

blaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh i am ready to do it i feel it if I was home I would but im at my grandparents, house got broken into-in a creepy non-burgularly way just someone warning me basically, aunt is dying...shitty day all around. i dont need sny consoling i just need to suck it up and deal but sometimes its hard but hey i guess life is hard. it can only get better from here;right?

[dietcoketree]

blaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh i am ready to do it i feel it if I was home I would but im at my grandparents, house got broken into-in a creepy non-burgularly way just someone warning me basically, aunt is dying...shitty day all around. i dont need sny consoling i just need to suck it up and deal but sometimes its hard but hey i guess life is hard. it can only get better from here;right?
i guess i dont really understand why your posting this in here, although i am sorry for your situation...

but im assuming your talking about how the stress is makign you want to either binge or starve when you say "im ready to do it i feel it." and all i can really say is thats pretty much the nature of this disorder- the need to feel control over soemthing when you loose control of other aspects.

i have a favorite quote that i look to when my day is just going to hell... and that is "this, too, shall pass."

[dietcoketree]

so i had a pretty sad experience the other day. you guys may know from my other posts that the relationship i have with my mom basically consists of yellign and screaming and then fake smiles. well the other night, we got into a big arguement and she basically told me that i should move out. our fight was pretty heated, as we are both very stubborn.

while she was yelling i ran to my room just to get away. i felt angry, but im so numb to our fighting that its just like whatever. i looked in the mirror and began to cry.

it upsets me that a fight with the one person thats always there for me doesnt upset me as much as the image i see in the mirror.

[StingingPistol]

I hate saying this, because to me it's kind of embarassing, but at 13 I went through 4 days without eating a single thing, only drinking a glass of water sometimes.
I wasn't able to do anything. I didn't have a life, and my body looked horrible too...
I was afraid eating would hurt my throat or kill me, aswell as I thought I was too chubby. Of course I wasn't...

I can say I'm off of it now. I still do have a low self-esteem, but I can often eat without really minding it.
Sometimes I afraid it slits my throat or does something else that doesn't makes sense, then I feel like the little girl who refused to eat again.
But if I get these thoughts, I just go outside for a bit and have some fresh air. Just think about something else. And then I go inside again and it goes okay.
I can even snack again sometimes!

I'm -I think- at a healthy weight again.
Though, I still hate my hips for being so wide.
Doesn't matter how thin I am, they're always wide and they'll always be.
But it's just a part of me, and I'm in the process of accepting it.
There are so many more important things out there than your own weight!

[Apples+Oranjes]

Random things:
I feel empowered right now, and I want to put it to use. I sat here for hours thinking, and writing, and I have SO many of my own reasons to recover...and I want to conquer this once and for all.

I don't hate myself, so why the hell am I killing myself?

I'm talking to my counselor on Friday. Hopefully that helps.

The appointment I had with the nutritionist went fairly well. I learned a TON of things, which although interesting, and helpful, was quite overwhelming. It's a lot of information to think about and digest, and start working on. It will probably take a while, but I'll get there.

I'm overwhelmed mainly about how often she wants me to eat, when I'm so used to eating something tiny once a day, if that, but... I'm sure this is something I can work towards getting over with help of my counselor, good self-talk, and continuing to see this nutritionist. I like her a lot, she's an awesome lady.

I won't lie and say things are all better now. I still haven't started with her suggestions and could only find enough strength to choke down some apple slices so far today... but I have a good feeling that eventually this will come together.

The biggest issue I'm dealing with aside from having to feel this tug-of-war inside my head, while taking all this new information in, is the fact that the two people I am around most [my dad and my fiancee] EXPECT me to be better right now, right away. It's stressful, and I don't know how to explain things to them. I wish they would be more patient...

[lynsey]

I am glad everyone is doing so well. congrats. I was force fed comfort food by my family last night and didn't do what I wanted to do when I had that ridiculously full feeling-I hate feeling full. I like eating to the point where I am not hungry but feeling full disgusts me. Today I am doing better and am feeling a lot better. I am proud of my self for not inducing/expelling (sorry still can't say the correct word). I am going to the spa now and am getting my hair darkened (lo lites) and a massage so hopefully all of my feeling of dirtiness and self-loathing right now will fade as the day ends.
off topic but I love my mom and grandpa they are the best people int he world.

[Apples+Oranjes]

I am glad everyone is doing so well. congrats. I was force fed comfort food by my family last night and didn't do what I wanted to do when I had that ridiculously full feeling-I hate feeling full. I like eating to the point where I am not hungry but feeling full disgusts me. Today I am doing better and am feeling a lot better. I am proud of my self for not inducing/expelling (sorry still can't say the correct word). I am going to the spa now and am getting my hair darkened (lo lites) and a massage so hopefully all of my feeling of dirtiness and self-loathing right now will fade as the day ends.
off topic but I love my mom and grandpa they are the best people int he world.
Hmm that could actually be helpful... Whenever I did something like changed my hair or otherwise part of my appearance that helped me a little. It didnt get rid of it of course, but it helped a bit because it made me feel like a new person. Sometimes changing is good and helps a lot.

You'll be okay, you're so smart :)

[prismatism]

i think i posted in this thread a while ago, i'm not quite sure what i said but i read from page 13 to catch up and i want to share what's going on right now.

today i ate two english muffins and i made pasta. i ate too much of it. then my sister said she had drank 9 glasses of water in a row, and it turned into a water drinking contest. by the 7th cup i was finished, and i went to look in the mirror and i was absolutely revolted. i keep trying to go to the bathroom but i still feel enormous. if i push out my belly, i look like i'm pregnant. my mom brought me a smoothie, and when she told me there was ice cream in it i couldn't drink it. but i feel like an asshole writing this, because i ate so much today that it seems ridiculous to say i have an eating disorder. but then, my sister ate the same dinner as me, and breakfast + lunch (i don't know what she had...) plus a chicken sandwich, a whole smoothie, and cookie dough today. is that what normal people do?

i don't think i'm too skinny. i don't think i'm skinny enough. but you never do, do you? i don't want to "recover" because i'm not where i want to be. i find myself thinking, i can't wait until i really am too skinny, so i can eat without feeling like a pig.

i have all these cans in the fridge because if i eat something, i want to eat at most one serving, and then once i eat it i don't want to eat it again.

i don't think i've lost weight since when i used to be able to eat cookies and chips and drink soda. i look the same. but now if i eat a cookie, even though i know it doesn't affect me, i feel like it does and i'm just one more cookie away from being "fat".

if i'm the same, why am i putting myself through this? if it's not working why bother?

i don't want to be fat.

i think i'm eating the same amounts, but just feeling worse about it...

my mom and one of my best friends are going through the same thing. my friend and i talk about it and instead of helping, hearing about her just makes me feel like i'm not doing this good enough.

[dietcoketree]

i am kind of like that too...

a couple years ago i lost a lot of weight and i felt skinny. not skinny enough, but i felt like i could finally eat something without feelign totally guilty. i gained a bit back, and since then ive been on this rollercoaster again. since then i think i may eat the same amount that isnt 'good', but i havnt lost any weight.

ive recently bought this dieters green tea from a health shop and umm wow lets just say its kickin my butt. i tinhk ive lost alteased a ton of water weight, which isnt FAT, but its something off my whale-ish body.

the other night i went to my grandparents for dinner where they were barbequeing. i was so hungry and decided i could eat a half of a hamberger and 1/4 of the bun. well 1/2 a hamburger turned into TWO hambergers and 1/4th bun turned into TWO buns. so basically i ate like a ton. i came home and cried myself to sleep.

it hit me today that i really have no life except what i eat. i used to have a ton of close friends, and now they all seem distant. i used to look forward to fun things and plan stuff and now i just stress out about what i have or havnt eaten.

[prismatism]

i think we might have that diet green tea where i work. hurray.

i know how that feels to be in a social situation, and eat so much, and then you're alone afterwards and think "...oh...my...god..."

just tell yourself, you've been going without eating until you're full for so long that you deserved it and even FIVE burgers won't make you explode like a cartoon :). eating a lot once in a while won't affect you that much.

i went downtown today and saw some friends, and one of them is SO tiny. she does... quite a lot of drugs, (which is fine, her choice) so that's why she's so small. but i was SO jealous. and when i came home, i looked in the mirror and realized we are almost the same size. i am just barely bigger than her, and i'm on my period right now so i'm bloated. i can't believe it, but in health class a few months ago she even said her weight and it was the same as mine. if i remember right, i was a pound or two less than her. but i don't FEEL like that. i feel like i must be 20 pounds heavier.

[dietcoketree]

yea i have a friend like that who i consider to have like the perfect body- shes not fat but not rail thin... and i was over at her house one night and forgot pjs and so she lent me some of hers. i was like NO WAY are thses going to fit me... but they did. i still dont consider us the same size though- i feel a lot heavier than her.

[Rigamarole]

"what you condemn will condemn you.
what you judge you will one day become."

If you judge black people, will you one day become a black person?

[Apples+Oranjes]

You will always feel heavier than most people around you, no matter how tiny you get, that's the nature of the disorder, and it's not really "you" that's "telling" you that.

I totally understand what all of you are going through, but I also really hope you overcome what you're going through.

It's not easy, and never will be, but all the things worth something in life are NEVER easy, and always remember that.

It is easier to give into the thoughts and feelings that anorexia/bulimia makes us feel, and become a slave, but it is much more difficult to resist and overcome those feelings, and because it's difficult it makes you a stronger person for overcoming it.

This might not make sense to anyone who isn't even close to thinking about recovery, but one day it will.

I think with an eating disorder you really just have to get to that ultimate point of ANGER towards your disorder, to want to get rid of it.

I'm not recovered, nor am I even doing so hot with my recovery, but I know what I need to do to get there, and gradually I'm getting there.

Sometimes you need things to climax before resolving the issue.

I talked to my counselor on Friday, and things went much better than I expected. Turns out she actually recommends the nutritionist I'm seeing to her other patients, so that will be helpful regarding recovery for me.
She wants to put me back on anti-depressents, but I'm still unsure of this.

I don't want to do it, and I don't trust them, but at the same time, some of the anxieties and OCD behaviors/qualities I have right now will only get worse if I don't do something immediately in the meantime before therapy starts making more sense to me. I don't know what to do about that really. I hate the idea of medication, but at the same time, I don't want my behaviors to get worse.

I am not technically obsessive compulsive, but my anxiety follows and obsessive compulsive pattern, and eventually could turn into something even more difficult to handle...

The mild OCD that I have is the most traumatizing part of everything going on right now, and I really feel it is the main "cause" of my eating disorder... Once I can get the OCD helped, I really feel like my eating disorder will start to dissipate as a result. The repetitive thoughts in my head about what I ate during the day, or didn't eat, or what I should or shouldn't eat will NOT stop no matter how much I want them to and how hard I try...It brings me to the point of tears most of the time. I feel like a fucking basketcase because of it, I just want to make my head stop. I can be doing everything else in the world to "take my mind off of it" but its always there in my head, repeating, and nagging me.

I don't use the scale because I even care all that much about my weight, but rather because I feel like the "balance" of my whole day will be thrown off if I don't.

I am a "routine" person, not because I want to be or because I am that unadventurous or whatever, but rather because I am afraid if I break the routine something will go horribly wrong. These are OCD qualities in the early stages, and they are completely mentally destructive. I don't have "rituals" or weird habits like counting my steps, rather I just can't disrupt what I do every morning or whatever without feeling uncomfortable.

Anyway that seems irrelevant, but it's not. I really feel that an eating disorder is an obsessive compulsive quality in it's own.

I am not going to lie, the whole IDEA of recovery is a very scary thing for me, but living my life like this forever is equally as scary... And I realize that recovering, though I feel afraid, is in reality nothing but GOOD for me... However, if I continue like this, that is scary, and will end up ruining me completely.

I'm not afraid of packing on pounds, as much as I am afraid of what "pounds" symbolize to me.

Why does weight symbolize such utter control or lack thereof?
I'll tell you why...
Because that whole idea is all around us 24/7.

If you turn on the television you will notice commercial after commercial for weight loss centers, with this whole idea that people who aren't twigs "eat too much" and are out of control for doing so.

You see these in magazines as well, and many children are even brought up with this idea. You hear it from your friends. It is a common belief everyone has that if someone is bigger they must not be able to control what they eat.

While some overweight people might NOT be able to control what they eat, remember they have the exact opposite end of an eating disorder... And some overweight people are simply overweight because it is difficult for them to lose.

My whole family has major difficulties losing weight. And it's not because we are lazy assholes who just sit around and eat all day, it's because our metabolic rates our different, our bodies are built differently, and genes also play a role.

People often forget frame sizes. I look at my friend, and she has the tiniest wrists, and fingers, her legs have always been twigs, and her arms are tiny as well... but her mid-section has always been bigger than mine, and it's because she is simply structured differently than I am. When she gains weight, it goes to her tummy, when I gain weight it goes to my boobs, hips, butt, and upper arms. My wrists will NEVER be as tiny as hers no matter how much I starve myself, because losing weight, does not magically chisel your bones down.

I think with eating disorders this is something we ALWAYS have to remember, because I think we often think of weight, and body types as something we can "achieve"... because it IS a common idea that we are brought up with. Like in those commercials "Do you want to look like THIS????? TRY WEIGHT WATCHERS!" Well, it may be true you can shed a few pounds doing those things, face it, you will never look like the person they are showing you, because we are individuals, all built differently.

Just like I will never have my friend's tiny wrists, she will never have my insanely long torso. [I have a long ass torso like Gumby style, it's quite annoying lmao]

Anyways, I have more, so if you have the patience, keep reading lmao...
Because an eating disorder consumes you, and your time, for a long time, the scariest part of recovery is finding yourself again. We lose touch with ourselves when we struggle with eating disorders, because a disorder is NOT who we are as people. Just like someone who is an alcoholic, that is not the person they are, rather it's a disease that they have.

I am shit scared of recovery simply because I keep thinking "What if I meet me, and I don't LIKE me?" It sounds fucking foolish, but it's the truth. I know it's foolish in fact, but I can't help but wonder how accepting I will be of myself when I begin to learn more about the real person that I am, and not what this disorder made of me.

I am also scared of recovery because my eating disorder has always acted as a security blanket. If something terrible happened in my life, I turned to my eating disorder to take my mind off of it, do something with my time... And it gives me a FALSE sense of control, which makes me feel almost EUPHORIC at first... But after a while of dealing with it day in and day out, it wears off, as I'm sure the rest of you know.

The things I need to learn is how to not be so hard on myself to the point of perfectionism, I need to learn how to control obsessive compulsive thoughts and behaviors, face my fears, do something out of the normal, not use food as an outlet for my sadness, not use weight as a symbol of my "control", and to learn how to cope with triggers around me.

I am not triggered by thin models and the like as much as others are, but rather, I'm triggered by certain scents, and places, and people that were present when my disorder first developed as a younger "pre-teen". If I so much as hear a certain song that I loved as a 12 year old, it triggers my mind into that old way of thinking again... And though now, I realize how tiny I was then... I never did when I was going through it, and that's something I have to remind myself.

Relapses are difficult to deal with, because you have a past to compare you to you. I don't compare myself to models or others around me, rather I compare myself to how I was years ago, and begin to feel upset when I can't "achieve" what I did, then.

Everything I am thinking is irrational, unhealthy, and destructive to my whole life, both emotionally and physically. My spirit is dying along with my body, and that's not something I ever wanted to do to myself.

Anyway I'll shut up now. I just have a lot to say about this lol.

[dietcoketree]

i read every word. i love your long posts.

isnt it weird how you can understand every aspect of what and why you do things, but as soon as you try to change it, you loose all rational?

sometimes i think that, yea, this problem sucks. it really does. but doesnt everyone have their way of dealing? some people yell, some people may do some type of physical activity, some people do art... so why is it that MY method of dealing is a 'problem?' dont get me wrong, i know that painting a picture to release feelings is a lot more productive than shoving your fingers down your throat, but really.

maybe im deceiving myself but i really see no reason why i cant just continue going on with this. its not like im 80 pounds. people cant even tell i have this issue.

i dont even think i want to get rid of it actually. its annoying and sure, id like to not have to think about how many calories cereal has with and without milk 200 times a day, but i dont see HOW i could really get over it.

i could go to therepy and i could take meds; i could go to classes and get 'support,' but id still think about it. even in secret. which isnt that the whole point anyway? hiding the ways you think?

i hope that makes sense to atleased one person, sorry if i just totally said nothing :/

[Apples+Oranjes]

makes perfect sense, but I sense a bit of shame in what you're saying... I think deep down you know that your thoughts are a bit irrational.

Just give it time, hun, I'm sure in time you will do what's best for yourself, and you don't have to recover if you're not ready for it.

If you're not ready for it, it doesn't work anyway.

And I promise you, there will come a point and time in your life where you DO get sick of dealing with it... but it does take quite a lot. I had an eating disorder for about 4 or 5 years before I went to counseling for it.

I'm just encouraging it is all. I hope I didn't offend you. Because I DO understand exactly, to a T what you mean.

And though I might be more fixed on recovery than you are, because you don't feel the urge to at all, I still also have the urge to NOT recover, because it is something you have to battle with to get there. Last night I was extremely tempted to purge after eating a salad out to dinner with my boyfriend and dad... I stopped myself, and thought about it for a couple hours afterwards, but that doesn't mean I don't ever feel like you do. I do a lot... I've just come to the point in my disorder where it's done more harm than good for my soul.

And yeah, I still feel like sometimes, "I'm not underweight, so what the hell is the point of recovering?" but I'm sure you realize, just because you're not overly skinny doesn't mean you don't have an unhealthy way of thinking, and that the things you do aren't ruining your health.

Purging, as you mentioned you do, earlier in this thread and now... is one of the most damaging things you can do to your body, but that doesn't mean you're going to become a stick from doing it. Many bulimics never are underweight but still accumulate multiple health problems from it.

I'm not trying to preach or tell you that you have to recover, I just want you to remember the things that are NEGATIVE about your disorder.

I think you're a sweet girl, and I would hate to ever hear of anything bad happening to you. <3

[Apples+Oranjes]

Oh and, also, I know that what I'm saying might even annoy you a bit, these sorts of things annoyed me when I didn't want to recover too.

But I would feel terrible saying nothing at all, especially having exerpienced it first hand.

[dietcoketree]

no i dont take anything you say as offensive or annoying. i look forwrad to reading what you have to say.

its stupid because i only know you from online, but knowing that someone else out there is working on recovery and realizing they dont have to live this way (you), i have stopped myself from purging/binging/not eating a couple of times. i know, 'big deal.' well it is a big deal for me.

i admire your hard work and am greatful that you are willing to be so personal on here. it helps me to read about what you, and others have to say.

thank you. :)

[Apples+Oranjes]

no i dont take anything you say as offensive or annoying. i look forwrad to reading what you have to say.

its stupid because i only know you from online, but knowing that someone else out there is working on recovery and realizing they dont have to live this way (you), i have stopped myself from purging/binging/not eating a couple of times. i know, 'big deal.' well it is a big deal for me.

i admire your hard work and am greatful that you are willing to be so personal on here. it helps me to read about what you, and others have to say.

thank you. :)
That honestly makes me really glad... :)

And no, it is a big deal. It might seem like "baby steps" and it is, but in due time those baby steps will get you somewhere far. Its like a penny jar, you start out putting a couple in everyday, and it doesnt seem like much, but one day you crack it open and count it up and you got yourself enough to buy something nice.

[My crazy analogies]

And its not stupid, sometimes online support is one of the best most effective ways, because its much easier to find people that understand what you're going through, and it is less personal... like you dont have to worry about me going and telling your parents or something about what you say haha...and vice versa.

I talk to a girl who is in recovery almost on the daily on MSN, and I find it more helpful than almost anything.

I don't know how long you have been dealing with this, but it takes a long time to start understanding it, really. I think in the earlier stages of an eating disorder its hard to comprehend exactly what's going on or why you're doing what you're doing.

It's taken me years to get to where I am now and have the grasp that I do on it. And there are still many things I don't understand, or am just not sure how to deal with.

Its a long learning process... and I think of it in a way that, it will only make me a stronger person. I hate being this way, but at the same time, I can't be angry with it, because I have learned so much about myself, and psychology and other things along with it that I think will be useful in my lifetime.

Like I said before I really want to do public speaking one day, and without dealing with it firsthand, I wouldn't be able to be as helpful to others.

[prismatism]

[/center]



If you judge black people, will you one day become a black person?
i think so. i think we're reincarnated as whatever we feared being the most, to help us learn. if you go through life thinking "thank god i don't have a big nose" you will have a big nose in your next life, so that you can come to terms with it and accept it as part of the perfect and beautiful infinite universe :). but in a less literal sense, i think if you judge someone based on some characteristic you think they have (for a stupid example, lets say you think black people talk funny) then you will have that same characteristic. i used to judge stoners. so there's your proof. haha.




and now i'm gonna read what everyone else wrote :). i just had to reply to this first.

[prismatism]

The repetitive thoughts in my head about what I ate during the day, or didn't eat, or what I should or shouldn't eat will NOT stop no matter how much I want them to and how hard I try...It brings me to the point of tears most of the time. I feel like a fucking basketcase because of it, I just want to make my head stop. I can be doing everything else in the world to "take my mind off of it" but its always there in my head, repeating, and nagging me.
i love and relate to everything you say, but that part really got to me...

fun social situations where people are snacking and laughing and having a good time, are ruined for me because i'm thinking "five cheetos. one cookie. one cup of juice..." over and over, calculating calories in my head, and if i get past the number i wanted to stop at i'm just in a horrible mood for the rest of the day, unless i do some kind of exercise or make up an excuse. i'll be having fun on the outside, and nobody will know how badly i'm obsessing, but i can't fully enjoy myself.

i don't think i'm at the point where i'm not eating enough. i eat at least three times a day most days, and i usually end up at around 1300 calories. i think that's healthy enough. it's just the mental torment of listing and counting and regretting and planning and not feeling good when i look in the mirror that is driving me crazy and scaring me.

i blame my health teacher for all of this. we had to write down everything we ate and how much exercise and sleep we got, everyday in his class. and i would list everything i had eaten, and look at it, and think "jesus... that's a lot of food. that's embarassing. i'll try to make my list better tomorrow." we learned a lot about nutrition labels and all the disgusting things in food. so every time i would eat something, i would look at the nutrition label and ingredients list and think about how i had to write it down later. that started the repetative thoughts about what i had ate, how much, etc. and i kept the list going after i left the class.

yesterday i went out and walked to this hill, and climbed all the way up it (i was trying to work off a milkshake i had, which i was hoping would guilt me into not eating later, but i ate some rice and pasta too so i felt awful, even though i was in a great mood) and took pictures. i'm a horrible photographer, so i got about 4 pictures of just my stomach and legs in different places in this forest. i really couldn't believe how small my legs looked, and i thought "it's just a camera angle, or the way i was sitting, or something", but all the pictures in different poses and in different places looked the same. i didn't eat last night or today, and it's 2 pm. i'm not hungry. but i should find something to eat.

i'm sorry i'm not helping very much, but just talking about it helps me and so does reading what you guys say. whenever i'm done here i usually go eat something, when i wouldn't otherwise :)... so that's good.




according to what i said a few minutes ago, i'm going to be really fat in my next life.

[aloneinabigbadworld]

I have read many of this posts here and had one sister die of an illness related to anorexia (though she was never diagnosed as anorexic) and another who destroyed a portion of her life because of her obsession with food, so I would fully agree with many of the negative aspects of anorexia and the food aspects of people's self perception.

I would say, however, that anyone who gets so obscenely overweight that they 'pass beyond the ordinarily overweight' have issues with food too.

[dietcoketree]

definitly, and its not much different from bulimia or anorexia. they are both a fixation on food, and all a mental game. people who dont eat are basically showing themselves that they can choose not to. and people who overeat choose to comfort void feelings with food. (generally.)

i actually switch back and forth. there will be weeks that i eat basically nothing. then, for like 3 days, ill eat anything and eveything i can. i stop caring. and then, i realize how much i ate, and starve it off for a couple weeks.

im cringing just writing this.

[prismatism]

isn't anorexia a "loss of appetite" by definition?

sometimes i'll think about food all day, and sometimes i'll realize it's 6 pm and i haven't eaten.

[Apples+Oranjes]

isn't anorexia a "loss of appetite" by definition?

sometimes i'll think about food all day, and sometimes i'll realize it's 6 pm and i haven't eaten.
Yeah that is the definition of anorexia, but what you're looking for is the definiton of Anorexia NERVOSA.... which is the disorder, not the disease, I'll explain more later, but check out the definition of Anorexia Nervosa here:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/anorexia%20nervosa

I have to get ready for work, but I saw that you girls wrote a lot and I want to read and write back <3

[Apples+Oranjes]

definitly, and its not much different from bulimia or anorexia. they are both a fixation on food, and all a mental game. people who dont eat are basically showing themselves that they can choose not to. and people who overeat choose to comfort void feelings with food. (generally.)

i actually switch back and forth. there will be weeks that i eat basically nothing. then, for like 3 days, ill eat anything and eveything i can. i stop caring. and then, i realize how much i ate, and starve it off for a couple weeks.

im cringing just writing this.what you said here is now days defined as a type of bulimia.

for the three days you eat everything you can, thats the binge aspect, and then when you ate basically nothing for weeks, is your purge period.

I dealt with an issue like this for a short period of time when I was 16, and thats how my eating disorder therapist described it. If I didn't starve myself after I binged, I would work off all the calories I ate, and then some.

It didn't last long because I was already in therapy when I developed that... but I am having the most difficult time battling anorexia because it's something that's almost engrained in my head now, since I've been dealing with it since I was 11.

It's going to take a lot of time, patience, and hard work.

Anyway, you're lucky in a way, because now days they know FAR more about eating disorders than even just 9 years ago when I developed mine. More knowledge on the subject = better help.

You also have to look at, are you really binging for those few days or do you just THINK you are??? Because there is a huge difference, and sometimes our minds play tricks on us to fool us into believing we are eating tons more than what we really are.

There are days where I feel like I eat a ton, but when I ask my boyfriend or dad if it seemed as if I ate a ton, they tell me I ate hardly anything and say something like "All you ate was rice and vegetables, how is that a ton?"

It's hard for me to realize that unless it's pointed out to me. I never actually binge, but sometimes I think I am.

Also, do you realize WHY you're probably binging? Your body is starving, and is becoming very malnourished... when that happens sometimes it becomes hard to control how much or what you eat because your body needs so MUCH. It's refeeding itself. It tries to compensate for all the lost calories and nutrients and grab them back.

I'm guessing you probably instantly gain weight quickly when you do, and although it's hard to remember this, it's not permanent. Your body is just grabbing the food and keeping it there in preparation for another period of starvation.... if you would say, eat normally instead of starve though, your metabolic rate and everything would soon go back to it's normal state and you would lose the excess weight again. [and I'm just giving you facts, I'm not saying in any way that I always remember this and follow this... I still have a really difficult time remembering this, and it scares me out of eating healthy a lot of times]

I won't lie, when you refeed yourself more fat comes back in comparison to lean fat and muscle tissue, INITIALLY... but after getting in the habit of eating right, proper exercise, and keeping it that way, your body goes back to what it SHOULD be.

It's scary for people who have eating disorders to recover because of that, because that initial "fat" becomes our worst enemy...that's a big part of why relapses happen often before fully recovering.

My nutritionist also brought up a good point; she said she has seen in her patients the one last thing your body needs to go back to normal, and start acting and processing healthily again, is for your mind and heart to believe you won't starve again. Your mind is even more powerful than you probably already know, it controls everything that happens in your body, so if you are still in doubt inside your head that you might relapse or starve again, the body will have its defenses up just in case. And this might just be a theory, I'm not really sure, but I completely agree with it.

That's the struggle with eating disorders, we often feel mentally unstable if we eat because of the disorder, but if we don't eat, we physically feel ill... the project is getting both the mind and body working together, and back to normal.

[aloneinabigbadworld]

definitly, and its not much different from bulimia or anorexia. they are both a fixation on food, and all a mental game. people who dont eat are basically showing themselves that they can choose not to. and people who overeat choose to comfort void feelings with food. (generally.)

i actually switch back and forth. there will be weeks that i eat basically nothing. then, for like 3 days, ill eat anything and eveything i can. i stop caring. and then, i realize how much i ate, and starve it off for a couple weeks.

im cringing just writing this.That's what I don't understand about people with eating difficulties. You're obviously a bright, sparky kid. I can't understand how someone as obviously smart as you can develop that sort of thinking. (That isn't meant as an insulting by the way)

[Apples+Oranjes]

fun social situations where people are snacking and laughing and having a good time, are ruined for me because i'm thinking "five cheetos. one cookie. one cup of juice..." over and over, calculating calories in my head, and if i get past the number i wanted to stop at i'm just in a horrible mood for the rest of the day, unless i do some kind of exercise or make up an excuse. i'll be having fun on the outside, and nobody will know how badly i'm obsessing, but i can't fully enjoy myself.
I have a problem explaining this to my fiancee. Somedays I just want to stay home and do nothing because I know that I will just feel awkward in situations where there will be people and food, and that I won't have any fun... and he will usually say "But you always have fun once you get out, I can tell" I must be really good at not showing the inner conflicts and turmoil I'm going through on my outside. Even in situations without food, I'm thinking and wondering IF I'm going to encounter it, and how I'm going to excuse myself out of eating it.

A lot of times I simply can't stop thinking about how terrible I feel, and my thoughts go back and forth with each other... I'll think "I am not going to eat, I am too frustrated" and then my rational thoughts will argue with it, and I'll think "But I want to get better and not eating isn't going to get me anywhere" and this will play out in my thoughts for hours on end, and I don't feel like I can function when the inner me is consumed by this battle. It's stressful to be around people right now, especially people who don't understand what I'm going through, and it sucks because I love being around people, I'm very social.

i don't think i'm at the point where i'm not eating enough. i eat at least three times a day most days, and i usually end up at around 1300 calories. i think that's healthy enough. it's just the mental torment of listing and counting and regretting and planning and not feeling good when i look in the mirror that is driving me crazy and scaring me.
Hun, that isn't enough even though it seems like it. Not for a female of your age, your reproductive organs require about 500 calories to function and even though 1300 is more than you may have eaten in the past, or because it's "close to" 2,000 calories, over prolonged periods of time this equates to semi-starvation. Especially if you're active, which it sounds as if you are. Three times a day is good, but if you're eating barely anything those three times a day, that doesn't matter to your body. It NEEDS calories and nutrients, even though our whole fucking society is scared to death of calories. I don't blame you for thinking and feeling this way, and I feel this way too most times, but I do know the facts, and what we are thinking and feeling doesn't coincide with what is actually the truth. And, even if 1300 calories was enough, that mental torment needs to be taken care of one day, or a relapse or more severe eating issue will develop. Everyone has these thoughts and feelings from time to time, but when it becomes torment is when it becomes dangerous. Any little thing could trigger you in that state of mind and that's not good. I am not trying to be a hypocrite, I just really care about the issue and people who struggle with it, and I hate to see anyone dealing with it. You're a sweet girl, you don't deserve to be putting yourself through that mental torment [and I don't mean you choose to have it, I just mean you should think about doing something about it one day, and resolving the issue]

i blame my health teacher for all of this. we had to write down everything we ate and how much exercise and sleep we got, everyday in his class. and i would list everything i had eaten, and look at it, and think "jesus... that's a lot of food. that's embarassing. i'll try to make my list better tomorrow." we learned a lot about nutrition labels and all the disgusting things in food. so every time i would eat something, i would look at the nutrition label and ingredients list and think about how i had to write it down later. that started the repetative thoughts about what i had ate, how much, etc. and i kept the list going after i left the class.
Don't be offended by this, but you can't place the blame on your health teacher for it. I think that yes, it triggered the problem, and ignited some thoughts and feelings you may not have realized before, but something so basic and simple shouldn't have sent you into a whirlwind of eating disorders. We often look for what "causes" our eating disorder, but in reality, it's a mixture of a number of things that we experience and the way we digest it. One person could be teased for being fat, and just cope with it, and another person, like you or me, could be teased for being fat and it would sit in the back of our heads and nag us. Sensitive people are more prone to things like this, because it's difficult for us to let things like that go, it hurts us or at least, more so than it does others.

I think there is definitely a biological explanation for eating disorders, because of that. Some people can be thrown into so many situations that would be triggering for people like us, but never have an issue with it. I really believe that some people are just more prone to developing an eating disorder. I do think with proper research and knowledge, even those people can be prevented into developing an eating disorder, but unfortunately we still dont' have all the missing pieces of the puzzle. Eating disorders are one of the most complex mental issues in my opinion. A series of other mental issues tag along with eating disorders, and there are so many different causes, factors, and aspects to it. Eating disorders also tend to differ with age groups. A 13 year old with an E.D. will treat it tons differently than a 40 year old would.

Anyway, my point is, I don't doubt that your health project was a very specific and profound trigger for you, but you can't place all the blame on that. Triggers, and actual causes are two very different things. A cause would be say, you carry a specific gene that is more proned to an eating disorder [they are actually doing research on this now, and finding that there might be a very genetic and biological explanation] or another cause could be never learning proper eating habits, or having a chemical imbalance, or struggling with mild OCD, etc. Triggers are things that would be simple to most people, but either worsen or onset an eating disorder in people that already either have one, or have the probability of developing one.

We often think of triggers in relation to the media, and models, and actresses...but triggers can be a number of things. Triggers can be a bad experience such as a death in the family, being abused or raped, or as simple as a mean comment made directed towards you. It's important to recognize what triggers are, which things trigger you, and how to deal with them.

I think I stated before that some things that trigger me are smells, places, and things that I liked or dealt with when I first developed my E.D....it triggers relapses for me. Much more than any model or actress has.

Sometimes I find myself dealing with triggers, but only being able to accumulate them until a certain point. Such as I can handle having a dream about an ex who triggered me , and I can even handle having to wear a bigger size of pants, on top of using a scent I used when I developed my eating disorder...but then there comes a point when just the smallest thing will set me off because I've already taken in too many. Does that make sense?

And often times, I don't realize how many triggers I have "brushed off" before that one small thing, until it sends me into a relapse. Then it makes sense to me, that I just took in more than I could withstand without properly dealing with them. I never properly deal with them, because I never learned how to... they just sit in my subconcious.

I don't want to offend you by saying that you cant blame your health teacher, but there is so much more to it.

We find comfort in finding answers to things, but in reality, there are many things we will never have the answers to, so instead, we must learn how to cope and deal with things regardless. It's difficult, but it is possible.

yesterday i went out and walked to this hill, and climbed all the way up it (i was trying to work off a milkshake i had, which i was hoping would guilt me into not eating later, but i ate some rice and pasta too so i felt [i]awful, even though i was in a great mood) and took pictures. i'm a horrible photographer, so i got about 4 pictures of just my stomach and legs in different places in this forest. i really couldn't believe how small my legs looked, and i thought "it's just a camera angle, or the way i was sitting, or something", but all the pictures in different poses and in different places looked the same. i didn't eat last night or today, and it's 2 pm. i'm not hungry. but i should find something to eat.
There are many good things about what you said here, and I give you props. First of all, despite the bad feelings, you listened to your body, and that's GOOD... You should feel proud...even though I know it's really hard to do because of the way your disorder might make you feel. You ate rice and pasta probably because your body needed it, and that's much more important than what that little demon inside you tells you to do or not do. I know, because I deal with that little demon.

Also, the fact that you did realize that you looked small is a good thing as well. Your self body image is one of the most important steps to recovery. Once you can see you for your true being, it's much easier to get past the terrible thoughts and feelings you have.

It's quite a coincidence, because I had a similar experience just the other day. I was walking through the grocery store looking for cinnamon sticks [so I can quit smoking again] and I walked past one of the mirrors they have behind the produce, and realized I looked smaller than what I always thought I did. It was awkward for me, because it was probably one of the first times, if not the first time I had ever experienced seeing and thinking I looked thin.

And, even more of a coincidence, later, my disorder battled with my step forward and tried to convince me that "It was probably just the kind of mirror, it probably just seemed like I looked smaller" It sounds so absurd when I write it out now, but I really thought that to myself.

One important thing as well, is recognizing the type of body you have and accepting it. And accepting it is the most difficult part. I realize that I'm not built to be as thin as I am right now... I have a fairly large bone structure, I'm a little above average on my height for females, and even when I'm eating healthy I have to make sure to exercise properly and eat healthy things rather than junk or I gain weight almost instantly. But I'm having a problem accepting it because I don't want to be bigger than I am right now. I'm not saying I'm meant to be fat, but I am certainly not meant to be where I'm at right now... If I was, my collar bone and ribs wouldn't be jutting out the way they are.

Insecurity and unacceptance of the self is so prevalent in today's world, but I want to do the challenging thing, and overcome that unacceptance, and love myself completely no matter what.

I totally admire bigger people who don't let it bother them and reek of confidence. [And I don't mean obese, because like it was said before, that is usually a problem as well] And I also admire those who are thin and physically attractive but display compassion, humbleness, and shame. To me, that is truly beautiful and it's something I want to achieve more than anything.

[Apples+Oranjes]

That's what I don't understand about people with eating difficulties. You're obviously a bright, sparky kid. I can't understand how someone as obviously smart as you can develop that sort of thinking. (That isn't meant as an insulting by the way)Unfortunately it's not about smarts.

Just because someone has avoided cigarettes all their life, doesn't mean they won't end up with lung cancer, it's kind of the same thing.

It's really hard for people to understand because eating disorders may seem like a choice, or as if it is caused by irrational thinking, but it's just as much a disease as like, schizophrenia is.

It is believed that chemical imbalances in your brain is the main cause of eating disorders. And unfortunately, a chemical imbalance isn't something you can "smart" your way out of, lol.

Also, it's not a way of thinking that we develop, it's not even actually how we ourselves think, it's what the disorder leads us to believe... it's called a disorder for a reason. The reason that many of us on here talk about our actual thoughts vs. the thoughts created by our disorder, is because we realize that it is irrational and dangerous, but we simply don't know how to extinguish those disordered thoughts. And by the time we attempt to extinguish those disordered thoughts and feelings, it's difficult, and scary to do because it is something that not only we have learned to live with day in and day out, but because its a process to get rid of those feelings, it's not something you can just take a pill and be all better for...so while recovering, those thoughts and feelings are STILL there and only gradually disappear over time, and it's difficult to fight with those disordered thoughts, because of the mental and emotional anguish the thoughts put us through. It is a great deal of emotional pain to fight against those feelings, because they are persistent. And, no one wants to deal with that sort of mental anguish, so the easiest thing to do is give in, to stop the pain. It's incredibly weak in a way, giving in like that, but everyone just wants to feel good, or somewhat happy.

Does that make some sense? This is by far the most difficult thing to explain, really...

[aloneinabigbadworld]

Unfortunately it's not about smarts.

It is believed that chemical imbalances in your brain is the main cause of eating disorders. And unfortunately, a chemical imbalance isn't something you can "smart" your way out of, lol.

Does that make some sense? This is by far the most difficult thing to explain, really...All of that makes sense. But what really confuses me about those with anorexia and bulemia is the fact that I always assumed that people with those conditions started with an element of support for their point of view.

Don't get me wrong I'm NOT saying that teenagers that get anorexia are necessarily huge, but when people go through puberty their body changes and sometimes during that change they gain a little weight (either that or they have siblings who would tell them they had). I've always thought that it was that weight gain or name calling that acted as the trigger.

There's a difference between attempting to lose weight and anorexia, so when does a conscious decision become a chemical imbalance? Or is my assumption about the consciousness of the original decision completely up the wazoo?

I'm not sure you can answer that but any rresponse would be interesting.

[Apples+Oranjes]

All of that makes sense. But what really confuses me about those with anorexia and bulemia is the fact that I always assumed that people with those conditions started with an element of support for their point of view.

Don't get me wrong I'm NOT saying that teenagers that get anorexia are necessarily huge, but when people go through puberty their body changes and sometimes during that change they gain a little weight (either that or they have siblings who would tell them they had). I've always thought that it was that weight gain or name calling that acted as the trigger.

There's a difference between attempting to lose weight and anorexia, so when does a conscious decision become a chemical imbalance? Or is my assumption about the consciousness of the original decision completely up the wazoo?

I'm not sure you can answer that but any rresponse would be interesting.
Alright, I'm going to do my best here, it's a hard topic to explain to someone who either hasn't experienced it firsthand, or known someone who has.

First of all, these questions are difficult to answer, because it really is different for everyone. Some are triggered into disorders by things like prismatism said, some by being teased, some don't even know what happened [I'm not sure how or when the actual onset of my issue was, I know how old I was generally, but it's a blur] and others deal with it because of some sort of unacceptance either in themselves, or a way to outlet things that traumatized them.

For example, Fiona Apple developed an E.D. after being raped... had she not been raped, I really couldn't tell you whether or not she would have dealt with it.

But the underlying point in what I'm saying is, it normally has very little to do with weight or food, and in actuality really BECOMES about weight and food.

Sometimes, I think it's possible, that a person might start out just trying to diet, but if they already have that "perfectionist" type of personality, or any type of OCD, it could just dwindle out of control... that makes sense to me a lot.

I am not sure how to explain, but it's not really about food and weight, rather what the subject "symbolizes" to people. Some people tangle up food and weight and associate it with emotions, qualities, and coping mechanisms.

For me, my weight isn't really about how I look, the numbers symbolize control to me. If I get beyond a certain weight I feel "out of control" ...I am not sure how or when I associated those two very different things together, but I know that I do, and it's something I'm trying to break away from.

Food for some, can represent comfort in stressful situations...and others feel as if they cannot eat when they are stressed.

I can't explain where the thoughts and feelings come from, because I really don't know. This is WHY I believe it is some sort of chemical imbalance.

Like, this relapse for me, was sudden, unexpected, and overwhelming. I literally woke up one day and couldn't get myself to eat anything. I can't even figure out how it came on the way it did, or what I must have been associating eating with... I was fine, and then... I wasn't. And that's all I can honestly remember. All of a sudden I was just FRIGHTENED to eat...literally frightened. And that's what is awkward and unexplainable about it.

I am not sure if anyone else here knows how it happend, or what did it for them... but I can and will honestly say I don't know. I know many things that could have aided in it... I do remember feeling more and more bothered by the subject of food from day to day as they passed, but the whole fear of eating came virtually out of nowhere.

I am quite certain is a series of steps... but I can't tell you what they are. I know they happen, because when I look back, there were many signs before my relapse, but I didn't see it coming, and then it happened.

So, really, it is not a concious descision, it never was for me. I can't speak for everyone else, really.

I want to specify, too, that teenagers aren't the only victims of eating disorders. Now days they are becoming more prevalent in younger children, and middle agers.

And let me tell you, when you have an irrational, unspecified fear of food, it makes it very easy to resist it...and once you resist it, it becomes not only habit, but slavery.

I really... can't go on about it. It's something that is quite UNexplainable, and I can't seem to express what I do know.

And I'm quite burnt out on the whole subject today... Just had a family gathering with my fiancee, and his anorexic cousin was there today, and it was intense for me. Too many emotions in too short of a time.

[aloneinabigbadworld]

Thanks for the reply.

Incidentally (and this is going back to 1988 when I was 18), one of my sister died of heart failure at 17 (having battled anorexia for 3 years, she had a week heart alreasy) and another battled it (and if I'm honest I think still battles it but has generally mastered it) for 12 years, so I have seen it from the outside a little but don't understand the psychology of it.

In the period that started about 6 months before my sister died, I was the most vocal in my family about doing something. I was saying we should do all the wrong things I guess, but to this day I can remember my parents telling me that it was a phase and it would pass (they're doctors, I was 18). It wasn't until my other sister developed all sorts of other problems that grew out of her bulemia that they eventually decided to act.

The day after my sister died (only 1 other person knows about this, so you all should feel honoured), I looked in her room for some evidence that I was right. For some really dumb reason, I knew it was there. Don't ask me why, I just did. Eventually I found a diary she kept. It was in the lining of the tuba case that she played. It was page after page of what she ate, the callories, the exercises she did and three weights that she took of herself. One in the morning, one at lunch and one at the end of a day to see if she put any weight on (she'd count the sit ups if she had 'gained weight').

What got to me was a comment that she'd repeat time and again. She'd want to weigh herself because she'd want know if 'the balance of her life was found wanting' (i.e. she'd gained weight).

I wanted to yell at my parents that I was right. That they should have done something. Don't worry. I didn't. I'm the only one who has seen it. It has, however, ensured a certain distance between me and the rest of the family.

A few years later when they eventually stepped up over my other sister, my Dad called me out of the blue to tell me what was happening. It is the only time we have had any form of discussion about it. The conversation ended with him saying 'I bet you're feeling smug now, knowing you were right all along.'

So as you can tell, we're a close family.

[dietcoketree]

ok oh my god i have been feeling like such a fuckin FAT COW these past two daysand i got chicken strips (so fattening with the breaded crust omg i cant bear to think about it dear god) at a resturatnt (this is the first time ive gotton something other than a vege burger for 5 YEARS, no kidding). its been in the 90 degrees but ive been wearing pants and sweatshirts but because i feel so fuckin huge. well i come home tonight and put on my usual pjs (boxers and wife beater) and i feel so fat but i look in the mirror and i think i look alright. i mean, i dont look skinny but i look like i have all teh curves in the right places. but as soon as i walk away from my mirror, im crossing my arms because i feel huge again. and then i look in the mirror and i look fat.

GOD I HATE THIS.

[lalalamort]

who gives a fuck

im sorry

but 1/3 of your population (perhaps more), is overweight or obese

if you have a few curves who cares......you will still be skinnier than most of the population

im sorry i just cant understand an eating disorder

i guess its kind of like OCD and low self esteem put together

how much do you weigh by the way?

(or is that a bad question to ask)

[Apples+Oranjes]

Thanks for the reply.

Incidentally (and this is going back to 1988 when I was 18), one of my sister died of heart failure at 17 (having battled anorexia for 3 years, she had a week heart alreasy) and another battled it (and if I'm honest I think still battles it but has generally mastered it) for 12 years, so I have seen it from the outside a little but don't understand the psychology of it.

In the period that started about 6 months before my sister died, I was the most vocal in my family about doing something. I was saying we should do all the wrong things I guess, but to this day I can remember my parents telling me that it was a phase and it would pass (they're doctors, I was 18). It wasn't until my other sister developed all sorts of other problems that grew out of her bulemia that they eventually decided to act.

The day after my sister died (only 1 other person knows about this, so you all should feel honoured), I looked in her room for some evidence that I was right. For some really dumb reason, I knew it was there. Don't ask me why, I just did. Eventually I found a diary she kept. It was in the lining of the tuba case that she played. It was page after page of what she ate, the callories, the exercises she did and three weights that she took of herself. One in the morning, one at lunch and one at the end of a day to see if she put any weight on (she'd count the sit ups if she had 'gained weight').

What got to me was a comment that she'd repeat time and again. She'd want to weigh herself because she'd want know if 'the balance of her life was found wanting' (i.e. she'd gained weight).

I wanted to yell at my parents that I was right. That they should have done something. Don't worry. I didn't. I'm the only one who has seen it. It has, however, ensured a certain distance between me and the rest of the family.

A few years later when they eventually stepped up over my other sister, my Dad called me out of the blue to tell me what was happening. It is the only time we have had any form of discussion about it. The conversation ended with him saying 'I bet you're feeling smug now, knowing you were right all along.'

So as you can tell, we're a close family.
I'm really sorry about your experience... that must have been really difficult.

I completely understand why you said you don't get the psychology of it, because I think it's very hard for anyone to understand, even people who deal with it. It's confusing even for me.

The best way I can describe what it's like, dealing with it, just came to me this morning when I woke up... it's really just as if I'm PLAGUED by the disorder. It's like a dark shadow that follows you.

It's difficult to get away from, mainly because of fear. Whether it's fear of losing control, fear of being yourself, or fear of hurting because the thoughts are punishing... I feel all of those really. I have been putting a serious effort into getting better, but everytime I eat something, I don't really obsess about the weight as much as I just feel like a failure from inside out... which is why I know I am associating food with things that are very very different. Did that make sense?

I always describe it as the little demon in me. And that's what it feels like.

There's a part of me there now, but it's tied in along with this other part inside me, that doesn't feel like me at all... I know it has to be, but it must be just this creation of the bad things I've ever felt.

I like myself a lot for the most part, but I do feel unhappy with myself somehow and I can't figure out what it is, and that's where I think part of it stems from. This part of me, that doesn't like me, sees how much it can bring me down and persists??? I don't know, really I'm just writing my ideas out, I'm not even sure.

But I do think for a younger kid, an eating disorder is even harder for people to understand, because they don't understand it themselves. I have dealt with it for years, and been in recovery, and went through and am going through relapses, and I have to and always do explore what's going on inside me. My point is, your sister was still quite young, where I think, it was easier for her to make it all about weight and food, because she didn't get to go through therapy and learn about herself, and because her brain probably still wasn't mature enough to grasp what was going on with her. It comes with time. I'm sure that even 3 years from now, I'll understand it better than I do now. You gradually pick up the pieces and find answers... but if you don't have the time or chance to do that, then it appears to solely be about losing weight.

What I am having troubles understanding about MYSELF is the fact that I am so shit scared of what's going on, but yet I can't seem to stop it. It made more sense when I was an angsty teenager who was suicidal because I was just too dumb and emo to realize how good my life was... But it's not like that anymore, so I can't understand why I can't stop something that is killing me.

And I know the weight symbolizes a lot to me, because I don't like how I look right now... but yet, I still wish the scale would go down. I don't like feeling bony like I do, it's scary... it makes me cringe. But I'm equally afraid of seeing those pounds go up... and I can't figure out why I must control my weight, and not something else if I'm feeling out of control.

I hope that with time and learning I can answer more of your questions, and my OWN questions more coherently and precisely. I think the kind of questions you asked are important to finding answers to, so that more people from the outside can understand. It's important that they do, because of situations like yours with your sister.

And there are ways family can help out, but I think they have to understand it more to do so. Because some days, Ijust need to be left alone about food and do it on my own, otherwise it's too emotionally overwhelming...but other days, I want them to nag me to eat, because I know I should and I know that otherwise I won't. There are days when I need to talk about it, but days that Idon't even want them to MENTION my eating disorder because I'm ashamed of it.

So it's a really difficult thing for family to deal with. It is a mental health mystery in a lot of ways and it varies from person to person.

I did find a biological explanation a year or so ago, on a video I watched... and I wish I remembered the intricacies of it so I could explain but it made perfect sense.

I'll try to find it again, I think it's interesting.

[Apples+Oranjes]

who gives a fuck

im sorry

but 1/3 of your population (perhaps more), is overweight or obese

if you have a few curves who cares......you will still be skinnier than most of the population

im sorry i just cant understand an eating disorder

i guess its kind of like OCD and low self esteem put together

how much do you weigh by the way?

(or is that a bad question to ask)
First of all, you could probably think of a way to say what you think a little nicer. This is a fragile topic, and that's quite insensitive and an unhelpful thing to say. If you just can't understand it, and you don't even seem like you want to, then don't post here...?

She needs a place to express how she feels... she probably can't to her parents and the like from what I gather... and it's CRUCIAL AND IMPORTANT for anyone battling an eating disorder to be able to express themselves. I, too, find this place to be somewhat of a sanctuary where I can say what I want and need to, and calm down.

And just because 1/3 of the population is overweight or obese doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean that's healthy or okay either, and it certainly doesn't make things all better simply because there are people "fatter than she is"

As we said before obesity is usually a problem in itself.

If you want to talk about it, and try to understand it, then please be a bit more polite... we'll all be glad to explain things to you if you're nice about it.

[Apples+Oranjes]

ok oh my god i have been feeling like such a fuckin FAT COW these past two daysand i got chicken strips (so fattening with the breaded crust omg i cant bear to think about it dear god) at a resturatnt (this is the first time ive gotton something other than a vege burger for 5 YEARS, no kidding). its been in the 90 degrees but ive been wearing pants and sweatshirts but because i feel so fuckin huge. well i come home tonight and put on my usual pjs (boxers and wife beater) and i feel so fat but i look in the mirror and i think i look alright. i mean, i dont look skinny but i look like i have all teh curves in the right places. but as soon as i walk away from my mirror, im crossing my arms because i feel huge again. and then i look in the mirror and i look fat.

GOD I HATE THIS.
Hun, it's okay, remember tomorrow is a new day. Sooner or later you will feel more relaxed and okay again.

I know how that is, and it always passes with time, and I know that it's hard to realize that right now when you're upset. Go for a light, scenic walk or something to blow off some steam, it really helps a lot. Don't get carried away and walk like 10 miles, lol, but do what you need to calm yourself down a bit.

I know how that feels to see yourself differently everytime you look in the mirror, I do. It's confusing, and frustrating. I think we see ourselves as "fat" when we look in the mirror because we get so upset and unhappy with ourselves, that we EXPECT to see some big ugly person in the mirror, so our mind plays tricks on us, and shows us just that. But, try to remember that, and try to remember that you probably don't really look like what you're seeing in the mirror. I know it's upsetting because you want to see yourself for what's really there, but with patience I think it will come. Just take it one day at a time. I wake up everyday and feel differently, and that always reminds me that tomorrow I can wake up and feel better, and start over.

Do you have the sort of mind that can picture things easily, and sees things in pictures instead of words? Just curious.

[lalalamort]

First of all, you could probably think of a way to say what you think a little nicer. This is a fragile topic, and that's quite insensitive and an unhelpful thing to say. If you just can't understand it, and you don't even seem like you want to, then don't post here...?

She needs a place to express how she feels... she probably can't to her parents and the like from what I gather... and it's CRUCIAL AND IMPORTANT for anyone battling an eating disorder to be able to express themselves. I, too, find this place to be somewhat of a sanctuary where I can say what I want and need to, and calm down.

And just because 1/3 of the population is overweight or obese doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean that's healthy or okay either, and it certainly doesn't make things all better simply because there are people "fatter than she is"

As we said before obesity is usually a problem in itself.

If you want to talk about it, and try to understand it, then please be a bit more polite... we'll all be glad to explain things to you if you're nice about it.sorry if i caused offence to anyone.......but I found the the best way to get over my problems was to be told bluntly.

Im not saying obesity is healthy. But this isnt about health anyway. its about body image. All im saying is that everyone in this thread has a beautiful body and shouldnt feel this way.

But im not to nieve to think its that easy.

Im not judging anyone for this.....if thats the impression i gave

i just think i need to understand

[lalalamort]

ok oh my god i have been feeling like such a fuckin FAT COW these past two daysand i got chicken strips (so fattening with the breaded crust omg i cant bear to think about it dear god) at a resturatnt (this is the first time ive gotton something other than a vege burger for 5 YEARS, no kidding). its been in the 90 degrees but ive been wearing pants and sweatshirts but because i feel so fuckin huge. well i come home tonight and put on my usual pjs (boxers and wife beater) and i feel so fat but i look in the mirror and i think i look alright. i mean, i dont look skinny but i look like i have all teh curves in the right places. but as soon as i walk away from my mirror, im crossing my arms because i feel huge again. and then i look in the mirror and i look fat.

GOD I HATE THIS.
is it innappropraite for me to say "you're hot"

oh well .....said it now

[dietcoketree]

what do you mean im 'hot'?

yea thats another problem i have. me and the is guy broke up a while ago and since then, guys have been trying to pick me up. all of these guys are really nice and sweet and its logical for me to like them but i dont. and its because i feel embarrased that they'd have to be seen with me. i realized that last ngiht when i was with this guy whose so sweet and cares a lot about me. i needed to go to the stroe real quick and so he drove me and asked, "want me to go in with you?" and i told him no. looking back now i know its stupid but i really didnt want to embarrass him by being seen with me. i wish i could wear a bag over my head.

:(

[ssreetnulov]

To some, this is such a 'fragile' topic. Well, newsflash, you wouldn't be fragile if you didn't starve yourselves. Sorry if some people don't want to play baby with anas. If I were to treat you like you treat your body, then why should I be nice? If you want someone to baby you, It's called a shrink. First of all, quit reading magazines, as I suspect the majority of teenagers do. They only create a lower self-esteem.

[Apples+Oranjes]

hahaha, ok.

because magazines cause eating disorders? *laughs* I don't even look at magazines, PERIOD. I don't compare myself to models and actresses and the like. You need to understand how different it really is from what you perceive it as. Some girls might struggle with the media, and others don't... I don't. I barely watch tv, I don't read magazines, I just don't care period. I am NOT fucking vain, it has nothing to do with a fucking beauty contest.

And if you had something in your head that just keep plaguing you and repeating itself no matter how hard you try to stop it, I'm sure you would want some comfort too. I didn't fucking ask for this.

I'm glad you're happy with your ignorance.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Oh and please don't call it fucking "ana" that drives me nuts.

That's what the little 12 year old Nicole Richie wannabes call it, like its some cool thing to have...

Honestly, just shut up.

[.Hannah.]

I don't understand eating disorders and don't really think highly of those who suffer from it as a result (of my own ignorance) but at the same time why are people coming in here to flame when all these posters want is a "sanctuary" as someone else mentioned? If they want to be "babied", then fine. If they want a sympathetic ear, that's wonderful too. Just stay the fuck out unless you really want to learn without being abrasive.

I've had friends/coworkers in the past who went through eating disorders but we slowly lost contact as we couldn't relate anymore and their thoughts were so consumed with this problem that only seemed to be in their heads (or something that others couldn't get through their thick skulls - mine included). Is there any way you (dietcoketree) speak to a councellor? Most campuses have free services like that or workshops and support groups outside of that.

As convenient as it is coming to the internet and writing about it here, I'm guessing one on one interaction with group leaders and fellow others going through the same thing will help much more.

[lalalamort]

I love you

[.Hannah.]

I was trying to help dietcoketree. Are you a little dense?

[Apples+Oranjes]

I don't understand eating disorders and don't really think highly of those who suffer from it as a result (of my own ignorance) but at the same time why are people coming in here to flame when all these posters want is a "sanctuary" as someone else mentioned? If they want to be "babied", then fine. If they want a sympathetic ear, that's wonderful too. Just stay the fuck out unless you really want to learn without being abrasive.

I've had friends/coworkers in the past who went through eating disorders but we slowly lost contact as we couldn't relate anymore and their thoughts were so consumed with this problem that only seemed to be in their heads (or something that others couldn't get through their thick skulls - mine included). Is there any way you (dietcoketree) speak to a councellor? Most campuses have free services like that or workshops and support groups outside of that.

As convenient as it is coming to the internet and writing about it here, I'm guessing one on one interaction with group leaders and fellow others going through the same thing will help much more.
I really admire people like you, honestly. I give you a lot of props for being able to say you don't understand, but still have a good amount of respect for the whole thing.

And, I agree that there needs to be some other support for those who are struggling but not seeing a counselor.... I just started talking with my counselor about it, but I have seen a counselor that specializes in eating disorders in the past, and she was basically my best friend during that period of time. It's a good thing to follow through with, but many people with eating disorders put it off out of fear... It takes a long time for most, before they think about recovering.

Anyway, thank you for your respect, it is appreciated.

[lalalamort]

I actually interpreted that as being fucking rude adn annoying......


ill just leave now

[lalalamort]

I was trying to help dietcoketree. Are you a little dense?Obviously so

[dietcoketree]

im sorry, i was not trying to whine. i was letting out some instences that i thought were very disturbing. i think everyone should know that i dont think highly of what i do either- it wouldnt be a 'problem' if i was inducing it and being proud of it.

would you honestly make fun of a heroin addict? im sure they dont enojy sticking a needle in their arm. or would you ask an alcoholic to just 'stop drinking?' it seems logical to do so but it just isnt that easy. im not good with analogies but i hope that you get the point im trying to make. i dont wake up in the morning wondering how i can bother hipforums members with a post. this thread is for people who have experience with eating disorders and anyone else who cares to respectivly talk along.

go ahead, ask questions, give your opinion, but DONT come here and tell myself and whoever else that we are whining and looking to be 'babied.' i come here for the very reason that i dont want to be babied- i could get that from my mom and friends who 'feel bad' that i dont love myself enough to nurture it with food.

im sorry, i just cant sit here and let people tell others that they are just looking for sympothy. eating disorders are serious, not a 5 year olds idea of getting attention.

[Apples+Oranjes]

im sorry, i was not trying to whine. i was letting out some instences that i thought were very disturbing. i think everyone should know that i dont think highly of what i do either- it wouldnt be a 'problem' if i was inducing it and being proud of it.

would you honestly make fun of a heroin addict? im sure they dont enojy sticking a needle in their arm. or would you ask an alcoholic to just 'stop drinking?' it seems logical to do so but it just isnt that easy. im not good with analogies but i hope that you get the point im trying to make. i dont wake up in the morning wondering how i can bother hipforums members with a post. this thread is for people who have experience with eating disorders and anyone else who cares to respectivly talk along.

go ahead, ask questions, give your opinion, but DONT come here and tell myself and whoever else that we are whining and looking to be 'babied.' i come here for the very reason that i dont want to be babied- i could get that from my mom and friends who 'feel bad' that i dont love myself enough to nurture it with food.

im sorry, i just cant sit here and let people tell others that they are just looking for sympothy. eating disorders are serious, not a 5 year olds idea of getting attention.
thank you for breaking that down better than I could...

if you don't feel comfortable posting here anymore, feel free to PM me, I am here for you.

I won't sugar coat things, but I empathize and understand. And I think you know that by now.

This thread was doing so well before...

Comments made like the ones today, are something I get to deal with everyday, and I was hoping this place wouldn't turn out to be like that frustation I have to deal with day in and day out from people who don't get it.

It's not about being babied, it's about finding people who actually understand, and knowing that we aren't alone.

Trust me, anyone with an eating disorder beats themself up enough the way it is, we aren't asking to be babied, but comfort is nice sometimes. I don't need to hear how fucking "ridiculous" i'm being for suffering from a mental illness, when I already feel fucked up enough the way it is.

We aren't fucking stupid, we know this isn't right, or healthy, or safe or whatever... it's not something we can just snap our fingers and be done with though, either.

I really fucking hate it when people don't treat eating disorders as an illness. You think fucking schizophrenics try to become schizo? Do you think they like it? Do you think they chose it? NO... and it is on the same level as that.

Something goes fucking haywire in our brains, and it's not our fault. I feel crazy enough, and I don't need to be told that by 100 people a day aside from how terrible I feel already about how I can't seem to get my shit together.

Anyway, sorry dietcoketree none of that was directed at you, I'm just venting about that misunderstanding the majority of people seem to have that, we're just being "dumb" and starving ourselves because we enjoy it or something. Oh yeah, I love feeling like I can't even walk up the stairs because my body's too weak, it makes me feel all fuzzy inside... [insert sarcasm here]

Anyway yeah PM me if you wanna talk and dont feel comfortable coming on here anymore.

<3

[dietcoketree]

thanks apples.. i will take you up on that.

iwill continue to talk on here because i think that for every person who chooses to be ignorant about the topic, there are 10 people reading it and benefiting. i have no doubt that there are people who read these posts who DONT post, simply because they dont want to awkknowledge haveing the problem or dont want it to be known even online, which is totally fine. thats what this is here for.

[Apples+Oranjes]

I like your attitude.

I think it's great that you use your experience to try to help others...I'm like that too. I feel like if I'm going to go through this much hell, I might as well use it for some good, if I can't for myself in the meantime.

:)

[aloneinabigbadworld]

Just out of interest, watching what you eat is often a wise thing to do. When does watching what you eat become something more serious? I understand the chemical imbalance thing but does it start with that?

[Apples+Oranjes]

Like I said I'm not really sure... I'm always sort of this blurred state of mind when it onsets... it's weird...

I am not sure whether it happens gradually and I just don't realize it, or what.

[aloneinabigbadworld]

Thanks again for that. Looking at it from the outside are there any signs apart from a drop in weight?

[Apples+Oranjes]

for the signs, go here:

http://www.something-fishy.org/isf/signssymptoms.php

[aloneinabigbadworld]

Thanks for that. The website was a little scary though, because it implied I have some of the characteristics of an eating disorder (I don't).

[lynsey]

I just spent a week in the south and being forceed being around southern food and I am disgusted by fat on myself and on anyone else at the moment. I know I'll get over it and I ate today just all fruits and veggies but just all these grease and the careless people concerning their bodies scared the shit outta be and made me disgusted with every ounce of fat I have on my bodyyes and I honestly wish I were anorexic again.

[Apples+Oranjes]

Thanks for that. The website was a little scary though, because it implied I have some of the characteristics of an eating disorder (I don't).
well everyone will have just about 1 or 2 or a few of those things, I'm guessing yours were the more "minor" signs ....To be diagnosed with an eating disorder, doctors look at the ratio of symptoms you fit... which are all based on behavioral, emotional/mental, and physical symptoms. If say you still have many of the qualities of one of the eating disorders but don't fit the physical criteria, like your percentage in weight loss, or whatever, they consider it ED-NOS [eating disorder not otherwise specified] which is still considered an eating disorder; people who fit that group are usually people who recently began dealing with an eating disorder.

I was diagnosed with anorexia by the nutritionist I see because I lost my period, and am underweight for my height and body structure, and have troubles maintaining a healthy weight too... because I have been dealing with it for a while, it's actually difficult for me to gain back. It's also based on the mental attitude, but my mentality is actually doing a lot better. Which I will talk about in my next post ;)

[Apples+Oranjes]

Ok, I have good news.

Yesterday was a huge step for me. I ate some cereal, which clearly isn't enough for a days worth of food... and I started to feel weak, and short of breath, so I ate a banana. I knew that wasn't enough, and I just got so angry with my eating disorder that I literally told it to "fuck off" and went and got a pb&J sandwich and onion rings and ate it all without caring how many "calories" were in it, or anything. No remorse afterwards either, I just felt good, and had energy, and was happy.

That doesn't sound like much to a normal person I suppose, but it was a HUGE step for me, and it gives me tons of hope for what's to come :)

[aloneinabigbadworld]

Congratulations on the eating thing (I think). Incidentally, how do you know when you've lost enough weight?

[lynsey]

I got my period today. I thought I developed amornoheria (sp?) again. I lose my period if I get the slightest bit underweight (I'm meant to be a bigger girl) but I am glad I got it...well not glad but you know glad that I'm not letting old patterns/habits consume me

[lynsey]

Great Job!!!!!!!!!! I bet the onion rings were your AAHAA moment. I know when I was recovering in high school eating fries was my step over to the side of normality again.

I think you are just amazing and even though we rarely agree I have tons of admiration and respect for you *hugs*

Ok, I have good news.

Yesterday was a huge step for me. I ate some cereal, which clearly isn't enough for a days worth of food... and I started to feel weak, and short of breath, so I ate a banana. I knew that wasn't enough, and I just got so angry with my eating disorder that I literally told it to "fuck off" and went and got a pb&J sandwich and onion rings and ate it all without caring how many "calories" were in it, or anything. No remorse afterwards either, I just felt good, and had energy, and was happy.

That doesn't sound like much to a normal person I suppose, but it was a HUGE step for me, and it gives me tons of hope for what's to come :)

[Apples+Oranjes]

Congratulations on the eating thing (I think). Incidentally, how do you know when you've lost enough weight?Heh... I didn't know, my nutritionist just diagnosed me as underweight.

It's hard for me to decipher because of the whole distortion thing... Though I suppose I realize it because I'm a bit embarassed of how thin I got, and how quickly.

I'm not emaciated or anything, but I don't look healthy and I hate that.

[Apples+Oranjes]

I got my period today. I thought I developed amornoheria (sp?) again. I lose my period if I get the slightest bit underweight (I'm meant to be a bigger girl) but I am glad I got it...well not glad but you know glad that I'm not letting old patterns/habits consume me
I'm still waiting to see if I get mine... It's a week overdue so...