Lemongait
04-22-2006, 06:58 AM
It's some time in the morning now and I'm too tired to cry
So I gaze through the ceiling at the wandering sky
And the only thought keeping me alive
Is that one day
I'll die.
...uugh. My pillows are drenched with tears now. I just want to sleep, is that too much to ask? I took two sleeping pills tonight, though I normally don't use them... no bloody difference.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to find a new job soon, but I'm too scared, of what? I couldn't say. But I'm terrified. I'm going to hitchhike out to the Maritimes this summer, but I really don't know if I want to... sometimes I do. If I had someone to go with, it would be fine, but no one will come with me (even though they'll all go travelling with each other)... it's all so overwhelming.
But anyways, jumping to the point, what set off tonight's emotional breakdown was the culmination of all this thinking about the future, when the thought crossed my mind that my mom will die some day. I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO DIE!!!http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/sad.gif I know everybody dies, but still... Oh god... I've tried to kill myself but I'm too scared of everything. I don't eat much, so perhaps I could just stop eating and kind of waste away. Would that be so unpleasant? But NO! I don't want to make my mom live through that, or my brother... I don't care about my dad though. I may live with him, but he's a jerk.
What this boils down to is that I don't think I'm emotionally ready at all to fend for myself. I dread people, the world, everything, but I love them too. AND I'M INCREDIBLY EXHAUSTED, SO I'M RAMBLING INCESSANTLY!!! This must be horrible to read.
I think I'll have to go back on medication, but I really really don't want to do that... for months I was smoking a gram of pot a day, and it really helped, but I can't keep doing that, it was messing with my mind too much. That and I'm running out of rent money, after which I guess... I don't know.
I'll definitely call up my old therapist on Monday, if I can find him. These breakdowns have been becoming more frequent lately, which really can't be good.
Yeah, so, sorry about the lengthy post. I hope it was entertaining and relaxing and all that. My pillows seem to have dried. I'll try sleeping again.
love
So I gaze through the ceiling at the wandering sky
And the only thought keeping me alive
Is that one day
I'll die.
...uugh. My pillows are drenched with tears now. I just want to sleep, is that too much to ask? I took two sleeping pills tonight, though I normally don't use them... no bloody difference.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to find a new job soon, but I'm too scared, of what? I couldn't say. But I'm terrified. I'm going to hitchhike out to the Maritimes this summer, but I really don't know if I want to... sometimes I do. If I had someone to go with, it would be fine, but no one will come with me (even though they'll all go travelling with each other)... it's all so overwhelming.
But anyways, jumping to the point, what set off tonight's emotional breakdown was the culmination of all this thinking about the future, when the thought crossed my mind that my mom will die some day. I DON'T WANT MY MOM TO DIE!!!http://www.hipforums.com/forums/images/smilies/sad.gif I know everybody dies, but still... Oh god... I've tried to kill myself but I'm too scared of everything. I don't eat much, so perhaps I could just stop eating and kind of waste away. Would that be so unpleasant? But NO! I don't want to make my mom live through that, or my brother... I don't care about my dad though. I may live with him, but he's a jerk.
What this boils down to is that I don't think I'm emotionally ready at all to fend for myself. I dread people, the world, everything, but I love them too. AND I'M INCREDIBLY EXHAUSTED, SO I'M RAMBLING INCESSANTLY!!! This must be horrible to read.
I think I'll have to go back on medication, but I really really don't want to do that... for months I was smoking a gram of pot a day, and it really helped, but I can't keep doing that, it was messing with my mind too much. That and I'm running out of rent money, after which I guess... I don't know.
I'll definitely call up my old therapist on Monday, if I can find him. These breakdowns have been becoming more frequent lately, which really can't be good.
Yeah, so, sorry about the lengthy post. I hope it was entertaining and relaxing and all that. My pillows seem to have dried. I'll try sleeping again.
love