You might be an atheist if...

[Jatom]

You might an atheist if... (Atheist, don't take this personally. It's more or a joke than anything, and I'll welcome your "You might be a Christian if..." parodies.) [some of these I made up, others, I copied)

You refer to Christians as Xtians, Christmas as "Xmas", and insist on writing God with a lower case "g" while writing "atheists" with an upper case "A"
You write off any intelligible and logical arguments for theism as clearly "coming from the Bible" even though the cosmological, ontological, teleological, and anthropological arguments (among many others) are nowhere found in the Bible.
You think God not answering your prayers by healing your sicken grandmother when you were young, is "proof" enough that God doesn't exist.
When you watch a punt returner run a 93 yard touchdown, you marvel at what evolution has done for the human race. But when someone gets cancer, you blame God for it.
You think you arrived at your position because you are a free-thinker who rationally weighed the evidence, and then freely chose atheism over theism. YET, you also believe that your thinking and actions are nothing more than the FIXED reactions of the atoms in your brain that are governed by the Laws of Chemistry and Physics.
You think the average televangelist is the perfect example of what it means to be Christian.
You think a 'courtesy' reading of the Bible is enough to understand and refute hundreds to thousands of years of doctrinal development.
When the Pope says that God may have used evolution, he is an enlightened religious leader whom Christians should listen to. When the Pope preaches on the sanctity of human life from conception, and thus denounces abortion, he's just a senile religious bigot who should keep his opinions to himself.
When a Christian points out the impossibility of a biological system (or feature) forming by pure chance you accuse them of invoking a "God of the gaps". YET, when you are asked how a particular feature could come about solely by chance you invoke "Evolution of the gaps" (i.e., we don't know HOW but we do know that Evolution MUST have done it!)
You are a person who absolutely believes that life came from nonlife, yet absolutely deny the possibility of anyone rising from the dead.</FONT>
You teach a belief only held by 28% of a nation, as truth beyond any shadow of a doubt because only educated people believe in evolution. Yet of course, you ignore that fully educated scientists in most other nations have proven against Darwinian theory. Like the Chinese paleontologist who reportedly says: "In China we can criticize Darwin but not the government. In America you can criticize the government but not Darwin."
You always refer to C.S. Lewis as "that traitor."
You desperately wish that Stalin and Mao hadn't been atheists.
You think that the Spanish Inquisition killed millions (or at least hundreds of thousands), even though the population of all of Spain at the time of the Inquisition was only about five million, and the actual total killed numbers about 2000. When informed of this, you accuse the informer of belittling or being insensitive to the deaths of 2000 individuals.
You think when the Bible mentions "slavery," it's the exact same slavery practiced by America some 2000+ years later.
You think Christians are narrow-minded for believing in only one religion, but atheists are open-minded for believing in absolutely none.
You think God was cruel for killing all of those innocent babies in the flood, and that Christians are cruel for opposing a woman's right to abort her baby.
You think a Christian takes EVERTHING in the Bible literally. Even after being corrected, you still go around asking "Why do Christians take everything in the Bible literally?!"
Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching 'bible contradictions' in Google.
When you arrive at a Bible passage you don't understand, instead of trying to figure it out by applying proper hermeneutics, you use it as proof for God's non-existence...after all, if there were a God, surely He could have made the passage clearer.
Despite the Bible being written by about 40 authors and spanning thousands of years, you insist on reading it as if it were written YESTERDAY, for YOU personally in your exact situation.
Although you are a 'free-thinker' and 'rational' person, you lose all reason when reading The Bible.
You think religious tolerance does not applies to Christians
When refering to Christianity, you prefer to speak in vague 'sound bites' like "Christianity is a religion of lies" and "Christianity is a religion based off desire," rather than actually make any meaningful claims that are up for verification.

[Juiceman3000]

Some of those were brilliant!

24. You pride yourself on questioning anything recorded in the Bible (even the existance of people or places) yet you dont think twice about mass forwarding and or posting a hoax email about alleged similarities between Dionysus and Jesus even though 90% of it is blatant misinformation.

25. You take thousands of ancient mythologies, containing tens of thousands of subplots, then strain out the tiny handful of similarities to a tiny handful of Biblical accounts - then suggest this is 'proof' the Biblical accounts were 'derived' from Mythology.

26. You believe that early Christians, [most of whom chose to convert from various pagan religions], choosing to celebrate their new faith in Christ on winter Solstice some kind of evidence the Bible is unreliable. (?!)

27. You consider yourself more logically adept than 'Xtians' yet when one Gospel writer mentions one event and another Gospel mentions the same event but with added details - you consider that a 'Contradiction'. Regardless of how clearly this is explained to you - you insist its a 'contradiction'.

28. You insist you are interested in 'real facts' yet constantly insist that our modern Bible came to us from one-to-one translations over 'eons' and somehow each previous copy was destroyed by time. Although this is impossible and no semi-serious researcher ever believed that - you continue to repeat the tale ad nauseum to anyone who doesnt know better.

........

Meh... its late and thats all I could think of for now?

Jatom.. feel free to be the unofficial compiler of these. Some of them were golden.
There are probably a few unfair ones too.

Good stuff!

[mother_nature's_son]

You think Christians are narrow-minded for believing in only one religion, but atheists are open-minded for believing in absolutely none. Exactly... Except your definition of atheism is a bit off. '...but atheists are open-minded for not believing in any at all', is what it should read. :)

[Juiceman3000]

errr... What a 'dangerous' comeback MNson!

Ouch!

[ChiefCowpie]

humanity domesticated cats around 8,000 years ago and yet according to the bible, the universe is only 5,000 years old

[Juiceman3000]

Cats were created about 6,000 years ago, yet according to you they were already domesticated 3,000 years before they existed.

Wierd.

[know1nozme]

Blah, Blah, Blah...

A person claiming to be a Christian might accuse you of being an Atheist if you don't agree with their ideas about what a Christian should believe, regardless of what religion you actually practice.

[Lilyrayne]

LOL... Love these... did you come up with them yourself, Jatom?

[HuckFinn]

Juiceman,

I wouldn't hang your hat on "young Earth" creationism:

http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/q1112/q1112.html

http://www.reasons.org/resources/apologetics/trap.shtml?main

[Juiceman3000]

Juiceman,

I wouldn't hang your hat on "young Earth" creationism:

http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/q1112/q1112.html

http://www.reasons.org/resources/apologetics/trap.shtml?main
HuckFinn, Dont worry - I dont.

Although I think its unnecessary to hold to 'Gap theories' or 'Day=Age' theories a Christian certainly 'Can'.

Disproving or Proving Evolution would not 'in intself' change Biblical truths and teachings (or their reliability) since Adam.

Many anti-Christians love it when they can make the reliability of the Bible hang on Evolutionism.
Some actually have falsely convinced themselves that if they can just demonstrate and OLD EARTH they are 'somehow' toppling Christendom LOL!

In my case, Im just an enthusiastic earth sciences keener and have become convinced the earth is much much younger than once believed.

Doesnt necessarily have anything to do with my religious faith and certainly not where I want to hang my hat.

[Jatom]

Juiceman and Bree, unfortunately I can't take full credit for my above post. I only made up about half, the rest (including my favorite, number 10) I copied. But my second part below is completely original:

Logical arguments against the existence of God:

Argument 1

My nose is itchy
If God were omnipotent, He would have the ability to stop my nose from itching
If God were omniscient He would know how to stop my nose from itching
And Dangit! if God were benevolent, He wouldn't want my nose to itch
My nose is itchy
Therefore God does not exist.
Argument 2

gawd is a BIG, fat, lying STUPID HEAD!!!!
I HATE hIM!!!!
Therefore gawd does not exist...and I HATE hIM!!!!!!111
Argument 3

Creationist expect us to belive that there was a "Clauseless first cause" with their cosmology argument. How absurd is it to assume that everything had a cause except one being who, conveniently remains exempt from this notion, and who has, therefore, always existed?
There is no need for this absurd notion of some uncaused thing that has always existed
The universe is uncaused and has always existed
Therefore God does not exist
Argument 4

There are no logical reasons to believe in the existence of God
For those of you theist who actually believe you have logical reasons, see premise 1
Therefore God does not exist
Argument 5

The Spanish Inquisition
Therefore God does not exist
Argument 6

God is a spiritual, non-physical being
I cannot test this spiritual non-physical being via a physical, non-spiritual process
Therefore God does not exist.
Argument 7

I had a test last week that I didn't study for
I prayed that God allow me to pass
I failed the test
Therefore God does not exist
Argument 8

I had a second test last week that I didn't study for
I prayed that God allow me to pass
I passed the test
Me passing the test was purely a coincidence and had NOTHING to do with a "god." Besides, argument 7 has already proofed that God doesn't exist; moreover believing in God would make me feel too uncomfortable
Therefore God does not exist.
Argument 9

Nothing can be known for sure, because all truth is subjective
You theist claim to "know" there is a God
I know for sure that premise 1 is true, therefore you cannot "know" that God exist
It would than be false to say you "know" there is a God
If what you say is false, it must then be truth that there is no God.
Therefore I know for sure that God does not exist

[Juiceman3000]

"Argument 5


The Spanish Inquisition
Therefore God does not exist"
----------------------

Classic!

Argument 5.1

1. The Crusades
2. Therefore God does not exist

[cerridwen]

Cats were created about 6,000 years ago, yet according to you they were already domesticated 3,000 years before they existed.

Wierd.
pretty trippy, huh?

[ginad1026]

A question for atheists ---


Isn't belief in nothing a belief in something?

[SharyBobbins]

humanity domesticated cats around 8,000 years ago and yet according to the bible, the universe is only 5,000 years old
If the bible says 5,000 years i'd have to say that is wrong. the earth is like 4 billion years old. it is part of the universe or did it exist alone by itself until the rest of the universe filled itself in. that statement makes no sense.

((I am not an atheist or christian. I am a Buddhist.))

[ericf]

A question for atheists ---


Isn't belief in nothing a belief in something?
Quite the paradox you have there... good thing atheism isn't about believing nothing. An atheist doesn't believe in God. Any god... my favorite quote on that is "I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - - Stephen Roberts
Atheists believe in many many things... they just don't believe in God. See, isn't that simple?

[FreakyJoeMan]

I really hope this doesn't turn into a stupid fight, like most of the Phil/Reli. threads.

[ericf]

lol, I am not looking for a fight. I actually found the list very amusing.

I just think the biggest misconception Christians have is that atheism is a belief in nothing... :D

[EllisDTripp]

A question for atheists ---

Isn't belief in nothing a belief in something?

Atheism is NOT a belief in "nothing". It is simply the lack of belief in a deity.

"Belief in Nothing" would probably be best classified as NIHILISM.

[Alsharad]

Ellis, head over to the God is Dead thread on the Atheism forum for a discussion on atheism and "lack of belief." I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter, but this forum and thread are not the place for the discussion.

Needless to say, I disagree with your definition of atheism and find that it is insufficient to cover the wide range of atheists. "Lacking belief" is also a logically inconsistent position to hold. Again, for more details and an explanation, go to the aforementioned thread.

:)

[FreakyJoeMan]

"we Beleive In Nozzing, Lebowski! Nozzing!!"

[Meagain]

I've sworn to myself to get out of this forum, but I can't resist.


Top Ten Signs You're A Fundamentalist

Anonymous Author On Usenet.



10) You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9) You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8) You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7) Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" -- including women, children, and trees!

6) You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended to heaven.

5) You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth was a few generations old.

4) You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs --though excluding those in all rival sects--will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering, and yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3) While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2) You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works, and you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1) You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.


BTW I am not an athesist, but I seek truth.

[Brocktoon]

Not bad Meagain.. hehe..

I'll see if I can muster one up of top of my head...

You know your an Athiest when:

You pat yourself on the back for being a rigourous skeptic who questions and examines the veracity of not just all four Gospel accounts but also any archaeological confirmations, any outside sources backing them, any sociological evidences, and absolutely any proponent who does not serve you with an iron-clad video-tape of the actual events (which even then you suspect would be staged)....

... Yet, your instantly willing to completely and unconditionally accept any 'anti-biblical analysis' from some anonymous guy who owns a domain name and writes a website questioning the Bible.

Ok I tried lol!

[mynameiskc]

You think the Bible is a devinly inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of your neighbor.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! i love that one. we have jesus fucking christ (as opposed to Jesus) living across the street from us. we, the Sinnin' Family, aren't good enough for her to wave at.

[Mui]

i didnt thinkt hat was funny at all.. i wasnt offended... just couldnt get laughter from it.

Silly christians.

[DoggoD]

I like this thread and find it funny/interesting. I am an atheist simply because I understand the human primordial instinct to believe in a higher power, or something bigger, more powerfull than us. This instinct created religion(s), God(s), etc. I embrace most of my instinct but feel that I have to dismiss the most primordial ones.

[Brocktoon]

I like this thread and find it funny/interesting. I am an atheist simply because I understand the human primordial instinct to believe in a higher power, or something bigger, more powerfull than us. This instinct created religion(s), God(s), etc. I embrace most of my instinct but feel that I have to dismiss the most primordial ones.
I agree with you and so do many psychiatrists - there definately is some 'instinct' hardwired into the human soul which makes us seek to worship a God.

My question to you: Is that not evidence of a Creator God?

If not - then why would you think it evidence there is no God?

[DoggoD]

I dont see how that is evidence, I just think it has something to do with us feeling lonley as an intelligent self aware being. I dont think it is evidence that there is no god, i am aware that I could be wrong, and there could be any number of gods. It is just an opinion, there is no way anybody can know if there is really a god or not, and there is really no hard evidence (I am also aware that this is highly controversial and that some people think there is evidence).