Domesticated
03-26-2006, 12:50 PM
The more I think about this, the more I've been realizing a core issue of why I'm at where I currently am.
This is the thought pattern that has to SOMEHOW be dysfunctional:
"I want freedom, but at the same time, I do not want to be lonely. If I try to be around people and/or try to make friends, I will suddenly have "obligations" and be expected to act certain ways and/or do certain things for them, at which point I will feel constricted, encumbered, and have a total loss of control over my life since I will have expectations forced upon me - if I am to maintain my relations, that is. I will feel like a slave. It's especially encumbering, given that I don't even agree with the "morality" of people in regards to this. So it's solely because I don't want to be lonely. I COULD do everything by myself and live a solitary self-sufficient lifestyle, but then I would be bitten with painful loneliness for the rest of my life, since having relationships with people conflicts with the kind of freedom I so strongly desire."
This is what has been boiling in my mind for a long, long time. I don't know what I truly want - whether what I truly want is a social life, or to not need a social life (which would allow me to painlessly do everything else I want to do with my life).
I must admit here, the thing that horrifies me and frightens me the most, of anything else in life, are things like "duties" and "obligations." For this reason I never like having anybody provide anything for me, because it leaves me with this paralyzed feeling of being somehow indebted or needing to be "thankful" and that if I don't do exactly as is expected of me, then it will fuck everything up. I like to be able to do as much on my own as possible, because then I will be freed of obligations and expectations of other people.
And in regards to what I am frightened of, I see it literally EVERYWHERE: Jobs are an obvious example. Then there's family, who make endless demands. If I go out to try to make friends, I will know (from past experiences) that they're just another greedy bunch of people who also wish to force this whole rancid "give and take" mentality (nobody "gives and takes" it's just an elaborate excuse to take advantage of someone while making them feel like they're doing a good thing). Anything where I would be in the company of others, this fear creeps in. So, in my mind, people are nothing but work and tedium and duty. So many demands to be made of me.
I have long had a dream of heading out to build a small isolated home for dirt cheap and learn to do everything on my own, largely because I do not wish to be servile to people for my whole life. I don't like the prospect of living a life where I have to constantly make sure I'm not doing anything to fuck up my relations with whomever is in my life at a given moment - JUST to avoid loneliness. I feel always tense and unsafe around people, knowing that (from past experiences) they tend to react violently and instill guilt trips in me if I don't do exactly as is expected of me or as is told to me. Preaching their idiotic shit like "responsibility" - which in my mind is just another fancy way for them to say I should just do as I am told. I have grown extremely cynical of people who talk about any kind of "values" and "morality" since it usually encompasses something like this.
I bet you wonder why I am posting something like this, to these forums? A lot of my interests involve the kinds of topics people discuss on these boards, were I not so fearful and bitter about the dilemna I've typed about in this thread. I know that my thought patterns, in regards to this, are SOMEHOW dysfunctional. Rationally, I know it, but my thought pattern still FEELS correct and accurate.
And there are a lot of things I wish to do with my life. But I find myself unable to do any of it because I'm being pulled in two different directions at once by my fear of loneliness, and my fear of social constraint.
This is the thought pattern that has to SOMEHOW be dysfunctional:
"I want freedom, but at the same time, I do not want to be lonely. If I try to be around people and/or try to make friends, I will suddenly have "obligations" and be expected to act certain ways and/or do certain things for them, at which point I will feel constricted, encumbered, and have a total loss of control over my life since I will have expectations forced upon me - if I am to maintain my relations, that is. I will feel like a slave. It's especially encumbering, given that I don't even agree with the "morality" of people in regards to this. So it's solely because I don't want to be lonely. I COULD do everything by myself and live a solitary self-sufficient lifestyle, but then I would be bitten with painful loneliness for the rest of my life, since having relationships with people conflicts with the kind of freedom I so strongly desire."
This is what has been boiling in my mind for a long, long time. I don't know what I truly want - whether what I truly want is a social life, or to not need a social life (which would allow me to painlessly do everything else I want to do with my life).
I must admit here, the thing that horrifies me and frightens me the most, of anything else in life, are things like "duties" and "obligations." For this reason I never like having anybody provide anything for me, because it leaves me with this paralyzed feeling of being somehow indebted or needing to be "thankful" and that if I don't do exactly as is expected of me, then it will fuck everything up. I like to be able to do as much on my own as possible, because then I will be freed of obligations and expectations of other people.
And in regards to what I am frightened of, I see it literally EVERYWHERE: Jobs are an obvious example. Then there's family, who make endless demands. If I go out to try to make friends, I will know (from past experiences) that they're just another greedy bunch of people who also wish to force this whole rancid "give and take" mentality (nobody "gives and takes" it's just an elaborate excuse to take advantage of someone while making them feel like they're doing a good thing). Anything where I would be in the company of others, this fear creeps in. So, in my mind, people are nothing but work and tedium and duty. So many demands to be made of me.
I have long had a dream of heading out to build a small isolated home for dirt cheap and learn to do everything on my own, largely because I do not wish to be servile to people for my whole life. I don't like the prospect of living a life where I have to constantly make sure I'm not doing anything to fuck up my relations with whomever is in my life at a given moment - JUST to avoid loneliness. I feel always tense and unsafe around people, knowing that (from past experiences) they tend to react violently and instill guilt trips in me if I don't do exactly as is expected of me or as is told to me. Preaching their idiotic shit like "responsibility" - which in my mind is just another fancy way for them to say I should just do as I am told. I have grown extremely cynical of people who talk about any kind of "values" and "morality" since it usually encompasses something like this.
I bet you wonder why I am posting something like this, to these forums? A lot of my interests involve the kinds of topics people discuss on these boards, were I not so fearful and bitter about the dilemna I've typed about in this thread. I know that my thought patterns, in regards to this, are SOMEHOW dysfunctional. Rationally, I know it, but my thought pattern still FEELS correct and accurate.
And there are a lot of things I wish to do with my life. But I find myself unable to do any of it because I'm being pulled in two different directions at once by my fear of loneliness, and my fear of social constraint.