SillyGreenMeep
03-21-2006, 03:03 PM
every evening
five o clock rolls a round
like the hand on the clock
that i watch
like the earth that spins
blessing us
after every darkness
with a new day.
and i catch myself waiting
again
this seems to have become
a hobby of mine
to get my hopes up and keep track of time.
maybe i take pleasure in this pain.
somewhere there is pleasure
i just misplaced it,
for a moment...has gone by.
and still no sign of him.
i give in.
you know.. i wanted to write more about the this, and about how hard i try, how i count every god damn day that goes by without having him at my side, how i cross off the blocks on my calendar, how i buy expensive paints and markers, only to find myself creating masterpieces of his favorite artists...how i faithfully call him every day, excited only to know that hes still breathing, only to hear the monotone voice at the other end of the line, maybe its the end of my line. Maybe I should write instead about how sick i've been, how sore and tired my body has been how ive been confined for 5 days now to my own bed, how on top of that my back aches and my internal cycle dropped in to drop me just one step lower, while i've been immobile and useless, unable to study for my finals tomorrow i'm almost too sure i'll fail at this point without preparation...and how hard i tried to be optimistic, to make a joke about my throat making it impossible to swallow .. back these tears that are just now coming....not for the congestion, the estrogen, not for the waste of all of my work up until this point. but for this god damned monotone voice at the end of the line, who i love, too much, i think it might be time i just give up, get tough, and let go of this sorrow.
god dammit why does this hurt so much more than everything else i have to deal with right now. it just doesnt make sense. he always tells me that every things okay, i just dont believe him.
i think my emotions are overflowing, i apologize for this mess of a post i just left, when i stop bleeding, i'm sure my mind will be more level.
five o clock rolls a round
like the hand on the clock
that i watch
like the earth that spins
blessing us
after every darkness
with a new day.
and i catch myself waiting
again
this seems to have become
a hobby of mine
to get my hopes up and keep track of time.
maybe i take pleasure in this pain.
somewhere there is pleasure
i just misplaced it,
for a moment...has gone by.
and still no sign of him.
i give in.
you know.. i wanted to write more about the this, and about how hard i try, how i count every god damn day that goes by without having him at my side, how i cross off the blocks on my calendar, how i buy expensive paints and markers, only to find myself creating masterpieces of his favorite artists...how i faithfully call him every day, excited only to know that hes still breathing, only to hear the monotone voice at the other end of the line, maybe its the end of my line. Maybe I should write instead about how sick i've been, how sore and tired my body has been how ive been confined for 5 days now to my own bed, how on top of that my back aches and my internal cycle dropped in to drop me just one step lower, while i've been immobile and useless, unable to study for my finals tomorrow i'm almost too sure i'll fail at this point without preparation...and how hard i tried to be optimistic, to make a joke about my throat making it impossible to swallow .. back these tears that are just now coming....not for the congestion, the estrogen, not for the waste of all of my work up until this point. but for this god damned monotone voice at the end of the line, who i love, too much, i think it might be time i just give up, get tough, and let go of this sorrow.
god dammit why does this hurt so much more than everything else i have to deal with right now. it just doesnt make sense. he always tells me that every things okay, i just dont believe him.
i think my emotions are overflowing, i apologize for this mess of a post i just left, when i stop bleeding, i'm sure my mind will be more level.