i don't care.

[Pablo]

What is it that won’t let me say it?
When I try I find my gears have stuck
No will, no power, a loss of words

The fact is I don’t care anymore
And I've forgotten how
But then why cant I
Why don’t I want to tell you?
If it’s broken why can’t I throw it out

Memory is all this brings back
And the memory is sad
I don’t want it to be empty
And so it fills it's self
with everything I've lost

It's empty now, no
A broken shell is not empty
just full of something else
That wasn’t meant to be there


It is all I have

A hatched shell of the space inside
It's gone

[Incubus]

Reminded me of the things I try and forget about, the things in my mind I put as far back as possible, the hurt, the shame the pain... I dont know if thats what your poem was aimed at but it sure was a powerful piece.

[Pablo]

sorry man, misery loves company. But then im over this now so i guess there was no need to get you like that.

[veinglory]

What is it that won’t let me say it?
---The repitition of 'it' seems just a bit odd. You could use 'won't let me speak'?
When I try I find my gears have stuck
No will, no power, a loss of words
---good metaphor
---I suggest not using the double spacing. This works well on paper but not so well on 'screen'. (IMHO)


The fact is I don’t care anymore
And i've forgotten how
---I see a lot of people use small 'i' in poetry now, but in my opinion it still looks odd and even faintly juvenile. e e cummings got away with it but still...

But then why cant I
---can't
Why don’t I want to tell you?
If it’s broken why can’t I throw it out
---I like the picture you are building up but the use of 'it' seems a bit unpoetic?

The memory is all it brings back
---You could remove 'the'
And the memory is sad
I don’t want it to be empty
And so it fills it's self
---itself?
The broken pieces cut me
---It fits here but cutting images are becoming something of a cliche.

Its empty now, no
---It's
A broken shell is not empty
---original idea, nice
It’s just full of something else
That wasn’t meant to be there

I like this last verse.
Overall I think each verse is good but you could strengthen the theme running through the entire pieace by using the metaphors more consistently throughout i.e. gear, shell etc


It is all I have

The hatched shell of the space inside
It's gone

[Pablo]

yeh ill get that, the double spacing doesnt look good to me either, the text editer did that on its own. I like your criticism, all the stuff you say is something i...oops, that is... I had been disatisfied with myself but coulden't put a finger on, so thanks.

[saffronfrancisburnet]

what a lose to feel so apart from this life love...

lovely piece reflecting a long path from sadness to peace of heart and mind again

it reminded me of how i felt long ago before i moved on
to newer pastures of life and love ............

love n peace from saff

keep writing it brings out so much for yourself and others....

[Pablo]

thank you, i will, im glad i wrote this, because if i hadent i couldent remember the feeling i felt when i wrote it. Not what it was really like anyway. Poems like these kinda serve as photos for emotions to me. and i wrote it cause i even want to remember the bad ones.

[saffronfrancisburnet]

thank you, i will, im glad i wrote this, because if i hadent i couldent remember the feeling i felt when i wrote it. Not what it was really like anyway. Poems like these kinda serve as photos for emotions to me. and i wrote it cause i even want to remember the bad ones.
too right pablo sometimes the bad things get us through
as well as the good in emotions..

i write also to reflect and remember all i have experienced
and your poem was very telling on how you were at that moment
so to look at this again for you yourself i bet you smiled
in a way for now you will feel alittle different and the thoughts
will have moved on too

photos in words lovely ..
love n peace from saff