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TrippinBTM
12-29-2005, 03:48 AM
I don't really like posting unfinished work, but I can't finish this one. Maybe it's just shit anyways and that's why I can't end it, but the last line is just not coming to me...at least, a good one isn't. So, maybe you all can help me out. Of course, any other comments on other parts of it are welcome too.



Somewhere

I wanted to tell her that somewhere virgin forests remain.
I wanted to tell her the sun still shines at night.
I wanted to tell her that the grass grows all year long,
and that the flowers are always in bloom;
but she was too far gone and I didn't have the words.

I wanted to show her the spiral pattern of the pinecone.
I wanted to show her the world within the pondwater drop.
I wanted to show her that even here in the city,
the stars still shine their silent peace;
but she was too far gone, and I was half-blind myself.

I wanted to tell her of the silence between the noises.
I wanted to tell her that evil is only there for contrast.
I wanted to tell her that darkness is but an absence,
and that the light is all there is;
but she was too far gone, and I was on my way.

Keramptha
12-29-2005, 06:42 PM
no...wow.. thats really good. once again..your poems/voice is clear, direct and pointed...in a good direction. its beautiful, emotive..and holds fascination and spledour...it's also sad!!!! too far gone.. and you on your way.. different directions.. wanting to help others find their way... top stuff. very clear and raw.

Keramptha
12-29-2005, 06:44 PM
you wanted some help?... the only thing you could chnage is the repetition of i wanted to show...

Keramptha
12-29-2005, 06:46 PM
suggestions.. let her know.. help her see, find, discover, let her wonder at...be enthralled by, [like me] get involved with...appriciate, be stunned by, hear, witness the...

fulmah
12-29-2005, 09:07 PM
I agree about the repetition... it's the only thing I could suggest changing, although I wouldn't remove it completely... perhaps begin each stanza with it, ie:


I wanted to tell her that
somewhere virgin forests remain,
the sun still shines at night,
the grass grows all year long,
and flowers are always in bloom;
but she was too far gone
and I didn't have the words.
that's about all I can suggest... as far as the last line, it fits just fine, but if you're looking for a change, perhaps tell where you're on you're way to? she was too far gone, so I went ___ ?

Good poem Trippin! I did enjoy, and agree with Keramptha on the vibe it had... a sad longing within so much beauty... yin and yang... :)

Keramptha
12-30-2005, 02:51 PM
good suggestion there. it is...a GOOD poem. not shit!! not by far!!