manic depression

[crystalstarr]

manic depression

curious if any of you folks suffer from this illness?

i was dignosed when i was 21 i didnt take that seriously and moved on. the past year though now has been hell, suicide thoughts, cutting , crying alot for no reason,wanting lots of sex, spending money i dont have, feeling homicidial,angrey... the whole package. so i went to a different doctor this time 3 years later(im 24 now) and i was told again im manic.... should i buy into this? or maybe get a third opionion? i ask this because some of my friends and family agree i have this... others disagree completly... but none of them are doctors.... of course doctors like to shove pills on us.... which brings me to the next thing..

he wanted me to take litium i said no, i've heard too much crap about it... so he perscribed me this stuff called olizapin... i havent filled the script yet because i'm really afrid of it... i dont want to feel like a vegitable!

anyways know of natural remidies, or medication that isnt so heavy?

[cshroom]

yeah they said im manic too- same basic symptoms. they put me on trileptal. itook it for about 3 months but then decide that i just couldnt function on it. it made me feel tired all day, like i just wasnt me anymore. but iguesss i wasnt so manic- just always felt like i had a hangover without the agression. im not familiar with your drug though, sorry

[peaceful420]

I used to be manic-depressive so badly to the point that I could go from extremely angry to crying to laughing- all in 5 minutes. To be manic-depressive, you need to notice your mood swings; they will be rapid and frequent and change to completely opposite moods. For example, you could be so angry that you want to kill the person next to you, and w/in the next few minutes or hours, not days, you could be ecstatic and manic. You should research it and not totally rely on other's opinions. Trust me, psychiatrists know nothing but meds. Ask a psychologist. They know so much more. A great source is DSM-IV, the mental health bible. It gives the top 8 symptoms and all the characteristics of the disease. A great medication for regulating mood swings and being so manic is Topomax. It reduced my manic-ness, but I have really bad depression, and it also lifted that a little, but not so much. So I was on anti-depressants and mood stabalizers. I'm not saying it will work for you, because everyone is different. Just really look into it and don't just assume a doctor is always right. Really research your medicine and what it does. If it doesn't seem right to you, don't fill it. Get a new psychiatrist instead. If you need more info, I've got tons.
BEWARE OF LITHIUM! It's only for the super serious cases when nothing else works. It has so many negative side effects. This psychiatrist is crazy. I highly recommend you see another one.

[Becknudefck]

reminds me of Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix. Good song

[teepi]

I have had depression ever since i can remember....although I have been severe at times I have shied away from prescriptions since they put me on imipromene about 26 years ago and it made me feel like I wasn't in my body...
3 suicide attempts...2 hospitalizations.

I don't trust doctors even more now....been through too many that i felt I knew more than they did and they were looking for "classic" symptoms and wanted to treat what they could automatically define instead of the whole me....

Seems as I have gotten older I have been able to put myself into a more relaxed state of mind and have gotten by on my St. Johns Wort, it has changed my life..although I still have some days when I'm not together (crying for no apparant reason and it turning on and off like a faucet, days when I get up so angry that I can hardly stand myself, then it just disappears, mood swings that are scary)...but I am tracking when these days show up and it seems to be around mid-cycle...so i try to prepare myself and my husband every month...make sure I up the soy a bit and I take Kava Kava and dong qui...
I used to have days when i wouldn't be right on the edge but close to it and I would "lose" time....catch myself just not wanting to do anything, happy to sit and veggitate although i had grand plans...seemed i couldn't get any gumption going...becoming more and more dis- intrested in things i used to really care about...myself included.
Then I read about this and decided I wanted to try it, made sure I got the standardized 3% hypercium (botanical name for St. Johns Wort) and about 1 month later noticed I was again becoming interested in my life...
This stuff is perscribed in Europe like 50% more than anti-depressents, in cases of mild to low severe depressision.
Although in the states they all want to put you on chemicals without even trying anything natural.

When I started taking it I was still up around 300 lbs. and in 5 months I lost 66 lbs...felt like I wanted to be a part of my life again and start LIVING and wanted to be healthy.

This is not for everyone but it has made a huge difference in my life.
If your on meds I would never advise just quitting and starting to self med. but its always worth talking to your doc about...or an herbalist.
teepi

[hippietoad]

Hey,

I have a 17 yr old daughter that was diagnosed as bi-polar abt 2 yrs ago. They put her on numerous meds including trileptol that was mentioned. Anyways, I have taken her off all meds. Slowly decreasing them so that her body could handle it. I figured if she is bi-polar shouldn't these meds be working ? Seems like she was much more suicidal when she was on them. Just be weary of doctors wanting to dope you up. They make money off of handing out prescriptions. And alot of times the effects of the meds are worse than what was wrong in the first place. My Mother read that a college gurl, in order to make money, joined a program where she would be paid to take meds so that they could see the effects on the body. The girl had been class valedvictorian and has a wonderful life to look forward to. The meds that they were experimenting with made her suicidal and depressed. She ended up hanging herself . I believe Effexor was one of the meds listed. Just be careful. Maybe some good old prayers and couseling is best.

[crystalstarr]

well i start therapy on thursday and i start my new meds tommorow its called Zyprexa .... if i think about killing myself while on meds belive me i'll stop. they are supposed to help not make me crazy. years ago i took paxil , i was having panic attacks.. i took it two months i felt no difference so they upped it, then i started hearing voices and seeing things. one night my husband found me in the kitchen in the corner with a knife rocking back and forth like a baby i had lost it!


i was immedenitly taken off them and dignosed as manic depression.. i then took depokot for awhile but then i ran out of insurence, now io have insurence again so im seeking help.

[pphuckoff]

Hi Crystal,

let us know how the therapy goes, and the meds as well. They will take a while for you to notice a difference, but I know you already know that. I've been seeing my shrink for 3 weeks now and as scared to death as I am to go on meds, I think that I might have to soon. Don't get me wrong, I think my therapist is great, but I'm beginning to question whether or not I can do this on my own without meds. I haven't got any support from my family or my boyfriend or anyone. That makes it more difficult when no one believes you've got an issue simply because they can't deal with their own problems (my mom refuses to believe that I'm sick... she thinks that it looks bad on her).



Last night I had a pretty bad episode. It passed without my doing anything but more and more often I think about being dead... then 30-40 minutes later the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness pass and I feel excited and like everything is wonderful. And it all started with good exciting thoughts to begin with(moving to my new apartment), but then I started to worry about money, then one thing led to another and I started to feel like my life means nothing and that I'm just a burden on everyone and society. I was hysterical on the floor crying and I honestly wanted to be dead at that moment. I felt like I had absolutely no purpose here at all. Writing this right now isn't helping. Its making me worse today. I have to go.


I hope everyone here keeps posting. We could all use the support.

[Althea]

Well I've suffered from bipolar disorder/serious depression & panic disorder for most of my life. I've seen MANY doctors, been hospitalized, suffered through many side effects due to the drugs the doctors prescribed.....hell, I've even had shock treatments. The symptoms you mention, Crystal, I suffered (and still do at times). I've tried St. John's Wort, Sam E.....you name it. Nothing worked. It's funny you mention Paxil....that sent me COMPLETELY over the edge. Come to find out from the doc I have now (who I have come to trust) that Paxil will send a person who is bipolar over the edge. I tried Zyprexa and it made me feel like a zombie. I had to get off it (but that's not to say it won't work for you -- everyone is different). I also have been on Depakote but all that did was make me gain weight (yeah, THAT really helped the depression). A few months ago I quit ALL meds.....BAD idea. I never left the house, couldn't get off the damn couch and thoughts of suicide were very strong (basically just wanted to curl up and die). I was rapid cycling so fast I was almost put back in the hospital. I eventually got to the point in which I felt totally detached from the world. I didn't care about anything. My family was VERY worried about me. They convinced me to go back to the doctor and tell him what was going on. I did, and after an hour session he prescribed me Symbyax which I am now taking. It's only been a few weeks, so I can't tell ya if it is the be all and end all, but I'm givin' it a shot. I don't feel like a zombie as I did on Zyprexa. I've also changed my diet. I was never one to eat breakfast but I do now (along with a multi-vitamin & vitamin E & C). When I was in my manic/depressed state I didn't eat or ate the wrong things....that didn't help my state of mind. I have also started walking. It is a proven fact that walking every day helps alleviate depression.


It CAN get better. It may take time, but that's okay. Give yourself time to heal. Something that helps me in this transitional period is whenever "those thoughts" (anger, depression, self loathing etc and so on) pop in my head I tell myself I don't need to think that way.....now. If I choose to later...fine....but for THIS moment in time I DON'T have to think negative thoughts. I go for a walk, read a book, play with my kids, mess around on the computer....ANYTHING to take my mind off my misery. Almost like a recovering alcoholic who takes it day by day, or minute by minute.

You take care of yourself http://talk.thebabycorner.com/images/smilies/bighug.gif

[crystalstarr]

Well I've suffered from bipolar disorder/serious depression & panic disorder for most of my life. I've seen MANY doctors, been hospitalized, suffered through many side effects due to the drugs the doctors prescribed.....hell, I've even had shock treatments. The symptoms you mention, Crystal, I suffered (and still do at times). I've tried St. John's Wort, Sam E.....you name it. Nothing worked. It's funny you mention Paxil....that sent me COMPLETELY over the edge. Come to find out from the doc I have now (who I have come to trust) that Paxil will send a person who is bipolar over the edge. I tried Zyprexa and it made me feel like a zombie. I had to get off it (but that's not to say it won't work for you -- everyone is different). I also have been on Depakote but all that did was make me gain weight (yeah, THAT really helped the depression). A few months ago I quit ALL meds.....BAD idea. I never left the house, couldn't get off the damn couch and thoughts of suicide were very strong (basically just wanted to curl up and die). I was rapid cycling so fast I was almost put back in the hospital. I eventually got to the point in which I felt totally detached from the world. I didn't care about anything. My family was VERY worried about me. They convinced me to go back to the doctor and tell him what was going on. I did, and after an hour session he prescribed me Symbyax which I am now taking. It's only been a few weeks, so I can't tell ya if it is the be all and end all, but I'm givin' it a shot. I don't feel like a zombie as I did on Zyprexa. I've also changed my diet. I was never one to eat breakfast but I do now (along with a multi-vitamin & vitamin E & C). When I was in my manic/depressed state I didn't eat or ate the wrong things....that didn't help my state of mind. I have also started walking. It is a proven fact that walking every day helps alleviate depression.


It CAN get better. It may take time, but that's okay. Give yourself time to heal. Something that helps me in this transitional period is whenever "those thoughts" (anger, depression, self loathing etc and so on) pop in my head I tell myself I don't need to think that way.....now. If I choose to later...fine....but for THIS moment in time I DON'T have to think negative thoughts. I go for a walk, read a book, play with my kids, mess around on the computer....ANYTHING to take my mind off my misery. Almost like a recovering alcoholic who takes it day by day, or minute by minute.

You take care of yourself http://talk.thebabycorner.com/images/smilies/bighug.gif



all you said really helped i like it when i can relate to someone, i dont feel so alone then, well i've been on Zyprexa now a little over two weeks and so far its ok, im a bit groggy in the morning but thats really it.im trying really hard to better my health, im quitting smoking on the 31st and im hiking more in this good weather.Also im a recovering addict so im sharing with my fellowship of friends and getting by. Thanks again for sharing your stories folks!

[teepi]

Thanks for sharing that Althea...

Well it just seems we all have to hang in there and keep trying till we find something that does work, all being different is kind of a hinderance in the medical department, sad that there can't be just one thing that could help and thats it...no guess work or guinea pig feelings.

Althea is so right about the walking, before I took the St johns wort I did NOTHING...the couch and bed were my best friends, when I started taking it after about 2-3 weeks I started to want to do something and wanted to get better, and lose some of the extra packaging...so I started walking,and looking so forward to it, and soon I fell into a REGULAR sleep pattern, I was awake by 7 every morning and walking by 7:30, and I was yawning by 9:30 every night and fell asleep without any problems...amazing for me.

I wanted to let you all know too that I am here all the time if anyone ever needs to just talk...Larry is out of town all week and only home friday thru sunday so I have time to listen.

teepi

[Andy73]

It is erroneous to assume that what you are experiencing is abnormal.

Not everyone is suited to mediocrity. Part of your illness involves trying to force yourself into the "herd" of humanity in the first place, you must realize that you are not so and so or thus and thou but someone you are not recognizing.

[Andy73]

I don't know, I don't have all the answers.

I may be wrong about some things, but I just don't like the way shrinks look at the world. The ones I know see people as existing in only 1 dimension and have no clue about how the "real" world works.

[sylvanlightning]

How can the sun hide
in such a vast sky?

Each cloud a mouth to fill.

One by one
soaking up rays.

The suns energy seeps,
like rain from clouds,
as does cold sweat
from the pores
on an epileptics back.

Personality melts
like the complex facets
of icicles;
Subsides
like d-e-c-o-m-p-o-s-i-n-g
words...

Frothing, acidic and bubbling
seeping into a mental ulcer.

[sylvanlightning]

well i start therapy on thursday and i start my new meds tommorow its called Zyprexa ....

How is everything going for you now? Noticed this was an older thread so I might be talking to myself here...

What really made a HUGE difference, in my life, was t'ai chi, yoga and meditation. These are all great with stilling the mind. Focus, grace, flow, transmutation of psychic debris, spinning off karma and so on.

Bright Blessings and Namaste

[HoneySuckleBlue]

...after going to Alaska and being treated for manic depression the depakote left me with a sense of missing something greater than I was giving up by allowing the medicine to soothe me and dull all the sharp edges of life.


I find alot of strength in knowing that my deepest depths run really deep and my hieghts are, well, out there...I'm just super alive:p till I wish I was'nt, lol.

I have isolated myself alot because the ups and downs on top of being a Gemini made it very hard on the people that know me. I am very gregarious and warm and then I can be plunged into a depth so remote and so oppressive no one can reach me...I don't see how any one could want to. Any way it hurt to see how I affected other people.

It's been nine years now and I think I am coming to understand it all better but I get terrified by how slippery things seem sometimes. (you know that feeling you get right before you fall on your ass...that falling sensation) I have also begun a physical regimine of two hours a day of focused exercise and I am very curious about energy work in the body. The exertion and mental focus really helps me to step out of the sensation and to observe it, I still get completly caught off guard by extreme episodes but they are fewer and more intense in nature. Now just I see them as a challenge to my own Will to survive.

*breaks into a Diana Ross moment*

Woodburning has also become a sort of therapy for me :) I like to go in my artroom and close the door and just burn for hours on end listening to music. It's so soothing....and aeromatic.


Hope you find some focus for all that creative energy crystal.
Much Love!!

[nirgal]

...a light of understanding flickers on
hang on
much love

Bless all of you

[crystalstarr]

well im still on zyprexa and things are a bit better. i suppose i was expecting a miricale, but that hasnt happened. i still feel a bit nutty at times and get depressed. but all in all i was on a scale of 2 before now im about a 7 so thats improvement.

thanks for all your input.i know meds shouldnt be the answer but i've had life off and on meds since i was 12 and things are better when im on them.but thats me.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

:)

Well everyone is different, I'm just glad you feel better.


As far as manic~depression goes I am most likely on the mild end of the spectrum.

How's your art going, last I heard you were off to art school?

[child]

before i say something to someone i wonder weather espically when im tired i have very suicidal thoughts and think about hrting myself and feel very down, and i get angry with myself at other times, but i also get really excited and happy a lot of the time, sometimes very sooon after or before. because i thought i vas very happy like extatic sometimes i thought i didnt have a problem with a recognised form of depression but reading your posts im not sure, i just question the 'ligitamacy' of my depression or negitive feeling because of my tiredness. are you usuallly more vonerable to it when tired?
if anyone feels they could comment on this, thanks.

[sylvanlightning]

Yes when you are tired your much more open to unresolved subconscious streams, yet sometimes with the Manic aspects you cannot sleep... my solution is to consciously integrate the unconscious aspects as they present themselves. A good book on this and dream work is 'Catching the Thread.' Find your joy, bliss and love and you will find wholeness. Trusting yourself is impossible without conscious integration, either via meditation or with a guide be that a teacher or a psychologist. I wish you peace.

[crystalstarr]

well i'm not on zyprexa anymore ... im on a cocktail so to speak... i had a major breakdown in april... and refused to leave my house for several weeks wasnt sleeping eating i was cutting myself and i was hearing things so they put me on different meds... i wonder if i will ever be ok..

[honeyhannah]

I was prescribed Zyprexa as well, lithium first but I never took it, it was pretty helpful although it made me numb at times and fucked with my energy sometimes. I ran out of insurance though and haven't taken any meds for 4 or 5 months, and I feel so much better now. My diet has changed dramatically, I spend more time in nature, and I do yoga and I've become more aware of my body and mind and I feel better than I've ever felt before. I've dealt with bipolar disorder since I was 16 and now after all these years it finally feels as if my problems are not a problem, and as if they never existed. Your diet and your environment heavily affect your mental health, and that is what saved me. Good luck to you.

[honeyhannah]

Have you ever been in a hospital, taking a break can really be helpful as well.

[crystalstarr]

no i never did hospital, i really can't i have kids, that is what forces me to stay sane!... i did med free for several years and i was ok for awhile but then it got me again... its a funny disease... its like cancer like it went in remission but it came back.. i hope again i can be med free

[honeyhannah]

If you could get someone to take care of them for a few days, even a few days in a place like that feels like a few months, it could be really helpful, but I understand if you don't want to leave your kids for a few days as well. Also I'll have to send you the list of natural remedies and herbs that I have when I find it that are helpful at keeping one emotionally balanced. I don't know what kinda diet you have but I am sure that if you were getting a good amount of certain nutrients you would flourish without meds.

[sylvanlightning]

I was tricked into taking lithium, by my own insecurities, being told I was a destructive irrational force only causing others suffering.
We can only choose our own actions, not others responses.
Live without regrets and be gentle.

[xscoutx]

when my little brother was 15 he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. a couple months later he shot and killed himself.
i think i'm bipolar too; i'm going to my very first shrimk appointment tomorrow morning & i'm pretty freaked out about it.

[sylvanlightning]

I'm so sorry scout :(

(((((xscoutx)))))

[xscoutx]

aaaw thank you!!

[stonerblond74]

I've been diagnosed as BiPolar for over a year now. Pre-diagnosis, I was out of my mind. My boyfriend never knew which girlfriend he was coming over to visit, the rage-filled, throwing plates across the apartment version, the depressed and hasn't bathed in a week version, or the one that was in such a panic that every little noise made me jump out of my skin. For the first 6 months after diagnosis, I went through pure HELL. Trying to find the right medication is an arduous task, and different for everyone. Lamictal has been successful for many people. Three weeks into it I developed a life threatening rash. Next was Risperdal. I was never so dehydrated in my life, drinking over a gallon of water a day and my skin was so dry it cracked and bled. Also, it made me exceptionally constipated. Seroquel made me fat and sleepy. (40 pounds in 6 weeks, and 14 or more hours of sleep EVERY DAY). And made me start producing breast milk. Lots of it. Geodon did nothing. I could have been taking a placebo for all it affected me. Finally I did some heavy research on my own, and pushed my Dr. into prescribing me Tegretol. It has worked WONDERS for me. Mood swings are down to a minimum, depression is down to mild, and the panic attacks are nearly gone. I am also on 2 different anti-depressants, so I'm sure that helps. And virtually no wierd side effects, just an occasional dizzy spell.

Anyway, just because your first med didn't work, or gave you wacky side effects, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP. Keep talking to your doctor. Tell him/her EVERYTHING you are experiencing, even if you think it's trivial or embarrassing. Each medication works differently for different people, and there has to be one out there that will work for you. Finding the right med takes time, and experiencing the hellish side effects suck, but when you find the right one, it's amazing. I am more functional than I have ever been in my life. Blessed Be, and good luck to you.

[fulmah]

Way to persevere! It’s so easy to just give up, the illness, after all, wants you to. It’s a shame that doctors can’t run a couple of tests to determine which medicine is going to work and which one’s won’t, but they can’t. The only option is to continue doing something positive, something healthy, until things click into place. What works for one person won’t work for everyone; the thing is that as long as you’re continually trying to find something that works, something will come. Leave no stone unturned, as they say.

On a related note, my mom used to suffer from chronic migraines. She kept headache diaries documenting over 60 different types of medicines, all kinds of dietary changes, different exercise routines, and found no relief. I remember finding her paralyzed, unable to even speak after trying one medicine (she recovered a few hours later, but still!). She finally tried a new medicine called Zomig that dissolves on the tongue, and anytime she starts to get a migraine now, it’s gone in minutes.

[stonerblond74]

It's also very important to have a strong support network while you're going through the meds changes. If it weren't for my boyfriend's support, I probably would have given up and just swallowed all the pills at once. On the days I couldn't get out of bed, he would force me to at least sit on the couch, and would place my crochet project in my lap. Forced momentum is better than no momentum at all. When I was raging and throwing things around, punching walls and such, he would just hold me until I calmed down.

If you have no personal support network, build one. I have made some great friends on message boards similar to this. I'm almost always available to listen to someone vent, offer advice when I can, and generally help anyone who needs it. Feel free to send me a PM if you ever need to vent.

Best of luck.

[xscoutx]

my doc wants to put me on paxil; anyone have any experience with it?

also, i have been researching and found something interesting:
caffeine allergy. sometimes it is mistaken fof bipolar and OCD. i drink a lot, a LOT of coffee and have been diagnosed w/ BP and OCD. i'm not saying i don't have mental illness, but maybe its all the damn coffee.

has anyone heard of this, experienced it, anything?

just curious and interesting stuff.
thanks,
C

[stonerblond74]

I had a very bad experience with Paxil. You should do some research, there are a lot of medications that can trigger a manic episode if you are BiPolar, and Paxil is one of them. Of course, all medications react differently in everybody. Before I was diagnosed as BP, I was misdiagnosed as having unipolar depression and put on Paxil. Within a week, I was bouncing off the walls, completely out of my mind manic. If you are BP, be careful.

[sylvanlightning]

I'm happy I trusted myself to cope without meds.
I don't mean to be cold. I just like to feel, everything, naturally.

[crystalstarr]

yeah i think we all have done that for periods of times but when you have moments with your back against the wall for months with a gun next to your head you have second thoughts about meds.

i used to be ignorant and was dignosed BP at 21 and refused meds for several years and jugded anyone who did take them... now i realize everyone has a path

some need them...

[sylvanlightning]

Sure we manifest our beliefs. I was diagnosed at 17... the MMPI test is such a new technology. Western science is less than 300 years old yet we forget that. We live in such a fast paced, high tension culture with no real community sharing. Everyone shoulders their own everything... I'm sure we all have faith in our conditioning, unless we don't. I love everyone here enough to disagree and say again that I trust my own insanity. The whole gun thing is just a pretend excape. We take everything with us in our energetic body. There is real work to be done in the mirror. Pm me if you wish. I don't want to be so personal, its just that I've been there and done that and I'm much happier without a guide. Being alive is a blessing, live with passion and without shame for your intensity. *bows to you*

[mariecstasy]

sometimes people do need help though sylvan...sometimes they can't dedicate or choose not to dedicate their entire lives to finding their fine line of sanity/insanity...

i agree with what you have written but i also understand the fear and anxieties that lead one into taking the medications.....some people need them...or least they think they do...it would be wonderful if we all could find our spirit and use that burning light within us to balance this insane body and chemically induced mind. centering is hard work and takes a great deal of dedication. dedication i have not yet given....

crystal how are you doing now? and in all honesty, there is so much truth behind what Sylvan has shared.....he is a bright spirit, though sometimes shines too blindly for some....you do have what you need inside you....i have seen it in your artwork...something so beautiful doesnt come from someone who doesnt have it in her....
can i ask a question(and i always ask out of curiousity) how do you feel inside when you take your medications? i know in January i went on anti-depressants cause life was getting to me and i was in so much chaos....i hated myself and life...i couldnt give to my daughter or to myself....so i took the medication for 6 months...in that time period i was floating and i absolutely loved it....but i wasnt the same...my depth had changed...i stopped questioning things and trying to find my higher self....my mind was numb in so many areas but my heart was content....i realized, for me, i needed to feel every emotion fully so that i could learn to cope with them....and i am learning. its all a process, that is for sure....a long, difficult process!!!
since i stopped taking them and becaus i had learned different coping mechanisms, i feel much better, but my lows are still so low....but its only in the darkness that the light shines and we recognize its comfort...

[crystalstarr]

honestly i hate the medication, but i also hate not being on it...i don't win...at least i am balanced now instead of swing.


it wasnt fair for my children to put up with me for days laying in bed crying refusing to do anything, or locking myself in the bathroom to cut on myself. nor was it fair when i got so high that i would spend my entire check in two days on crap and forget rent or bills then be fucked.and be so iratable that if they even whined i would scream!

i hate medication and i hate not being on it.... its only fun when i'm on that high... then it all comes to shit..

i'm young and i may not know all the answers but i've tried a few different things. i've tried to talk my way out of it, mediate my way out, give it up, surrender, turn it over,fight it... and so far the only balance that has worked for ME the best even though it still isnt the best is medication and therapy.

[mariecstasy]

thats exactly why i went on mine too crystal...i had to give to my daughter...
and shit i dont have all the answers either...i am sitting in my own darkness for the last couple days....
at least you are taking care of you....and i dont hold any judgement any way you do it....((((((crystal)))))) life sure is hard, aint it?

[crystalstarr]

it is ,we need answers oh mighty one of the universe !!

hugs marie!!

[mariecstasy]

lol....thats what i am personally working on right this moment crystal...answers...what is and what isnt....whats illusion....what we create in our minds....what is tangible....what to believe...what not to believe...
and i tie myself in knots...and i hurt my head and i hurt my stomach....all because i dont know how to find them....
i know things intellectually....but within my heart....i have a hard time...i have a very hard heart and that scares the shit out of me....

anyway, i am going off subject...sorry

back to being depressed nutbags;)hehe...j/k

[sylvanlightning]

Open your heart, love yourself,
be gentle with yourself...
then give what you have to others.

[joker]

manic depression

curious if any of you folks suffer from this illness?

i was dignosed when i was 21 i didnt take that seriously and moved on. the past year though now has been hell, suicide thoughts, cutting , crying alot for no reason,wanting lots of sex, spending money i dont have, feeling homicidial,angrey... the whole package. so i went to a different doctor this time 3 years later(im 24 now) and i was told again im manic.... should i buy into this? or maybe get a third opionion? i ask this because some of my friends and family agree i have this... others disagree completly... but none of them are doctors.... of course doctors like to shove pills on us.... which brings me to the next thing..

he wanted me to take litium i said no, i've heard too much crap about it... so he perscribed me this stuff called olizapin... i havent filled the script yet because i'm really afrid of it... i dont want to feel like a vegitable!

anyways know of natural remidies, or medication that isnt so heavy?
I'd say get on depakote. It helps me level out my moods. I was prescribed to seroquel along with the depakote about a month ago, but I've now been recently taken off it. I don't know of any herbal drugs or olizapin, but I was prescribed to lithium at a younger age. Don't blame you for not wanting to take it because I recall having to go in for a level check more than usual. Good luck finding the right meds.

[Vegan Girl]

I am diagnosed with bi-polar and it my psychologist who suspected it. I take Cymbalta for anxiety and depression and Lamictal for mania. I still have small cycles, but nowhere near what I had previously. Medicines aren't necessarily evil, but it CAN take time to find the right one.

[dylanzeppelin]

yup i got it. not fun. but hey when is life ever fun?

[That one kid]

i had some bad depression problems a few years back and they put me on wellbutrin wihich does not work for me at all! Which is funny cause my dad cant live a day without his meds and he is on the same thing for the same reasons. So i uped my dose a few time to try and get it to work for me but still the meds failed. After still being on it for awhile I started smoking pot. And at first it was all fun, untill i realized that i was not depressed at all anymore and I was smokin pot everyday! so I stoped the meds and kept smoking everyday and and Ive been fine since! so if your a smoker go get some pot and smoke 1 bowl every morning and see if it works for you!!!

[sylvanlightning]

Indeed, I've found the same that ganja is a healing herb.... a teaching plant if you will.
Keep it sacred and have fun. :)

[HoneySuckleBlue]

Most definately. I was on depakote for a while a long time ago and it worked fine but it did'nt really address what was wrong with me.


So I took my self off it and began smoking herb daily for about 12 years. It has helped me to develop a mindfulness practise and find ways to ground myself and it showed me that the emotions or deep funks i would spiral into can be trancended with concious effort. Ultimately I realised that I am not what I am feeling and can now witness my self with out having to react. Which is a huuge step inthe right direction because the things i would do when I was manic would get me in so much trouble and the funks would take me to the brink of suicide to escape the pain.

Now I don't smoke any more and just practise what the sacred herb has shown me, because there comes a point when you realise you know everything you need to know and all that is left is to apply it, and even though I still feel very slippery or very melancholy I've accepted those as part of my dynamic self and embrace nurturing my self durring the times when it is very powerful. I've also accepted that I may never be like everyone else and have a 'normal' life but atleast I can function with creating minimal chaos in my circle of influence.

Do the internal work. Heal your self for real. The rest of your life will be so much Richer and vibrant.

[mariecstasy]

Most definately. I was on depakote for a while a long time ago and it worked fine but it did'nt really address what was wrong with me.


So I took my self off it and began smoking herb daily for about 12 years. It has helped me to develop a mindfulness practise and find ways to ground myself and it showed me that the emotions or deep funks i would spiral into can be trancended with concious effort. Ultimately I realised that I am not what I am feeling and can now witness my self with out having to react. Which is a huuge step inthe right direction because the things i would do when I was manic would get me in so much trouble and the funks would take me to the brink of suicide to escape the pain.

Now I don't smoke any more and just practise what the sacred herb has shown me, because there comes a point when you realise you know everything you need to know and all that is left is to apply it, and even though I still feel very slippery or very melancholy I've accepted those as part of my dynamic self and embrace nurturing my self durring the times when it is very powerful. I've also accepted that I may never be like everyone else and have a 'normal' life but atleast I can function with creating minimal chaos in my circle of influence.

Do the internal work. Heal your self for real. The rest of your life will be so much Richer and vibrant.
I can't wait to read your book:) You have such a way with words and you apply your stuff way more than me. Took a while for me to hear the same messages over and over again, and for me to nod my head, like "YES, Yes!" when I would read things of consciousness, the victim, detachment, and the like. I would still think this Love concept was too far and too foreign to me. But I now get it so much. I need no more knowledge right now, I need application. Then all answers will be revealed to me. How wonderful to know that I live a life of such a range of emotions and turmoils and that I am as dynamic as I am. Then also to know that I don't need the parts of me that I don't want as part of me anymore.

Pot does help with that and is a brilliant teaching tool. I am not ready to go without it just yet because I have a grand old, silly time when I smoke it:)

[HoneySuckleBlue]

This was the first thread I read this morning and it startled me to my core to read about the book, lol. Imagine that :) I have been asking with much intent the last couple days what am I here to do and other things have been melting away...things I have thought I was here to do and last night I fell asleep going through posts in my mind and using the things I have written in the past as a sort of outline...for a book. I also dreampt about you and Andy and Arianna last thing before I woke up. You guys had this great gift idea and we were making it and it was soo much fun!


Hehee I adore you guys:)

Yesterday I melted down. You've seen how the things I have been dreaming of for so long have kinda evaporated. The ship, now massage school has to wait until the fall...I was feeling very doubtful of my own process...then add moontime impending and my jacked up hormones and new moon is tomorrow. It's always worse when those two overlap. On top of that it's been so gorgeous out and I have been walking the three miles around the 'block' and my sciatic nerve felt like it's on fire from my lower back down to my ankle and my spleen felt like a very painful tennis ball when I breathe...I was having a very hard time trancending the storm of feelings and stilling the thoughts.

It's one of the reasons I love the walking so much because it is so easy to stop the thinking mind then and just be the motion of my body and to melt into the infinite bigness of the wind like a drop of dew into the lake...I try to bring that home with me, lol. Yesterday was very powerful though and I found myself still on the verge of a crying jag and loosing my self in the pain and chaos of my mind...so I wandered out to the garage and there just happened to be a little bit left in the bowl from when Rich and one of his buddies were hanging out and I noticed a baggie stuffed by a box that had just enough left in a corner to top off the bowl with a green hit and just like that everything was right again.
The universe provides...just what we need. No more, no less.

I could see what I was clinging to, and how all the parts of me that I was holding on to were creating suffering as they fell away. There were small quiet parts that were asking to be embraced because they were the authentic parts of me but sometimes it is easy to look past those parts because they are not as flashy as the things we want to be us...

Needless to say when I really let go and and embraced the ordinary things into my extraordinary life a feeling of profound and deep harmony settled in. Which was affirmed and reflected by things outside of me, something that had been missing from all of the other choices I had made.

It is one of the beauties of feeling as dynamicaly as we do. When we get it right we know it in ways that can only be described as cosmic orgasm.

Depression and confusion are the mind/bodies way of letting us know we are missing something;) Find that thing and we can unlock a new world that we will fit into infinitely better than the one we are existing in now and it is usually something that we had never even imagined...

[mariecstasy]

oh, oh....what did we make?

I had a dream the other night that I was in a dream. All these random people in my life just kinda kept appearing in the dream(at my house). People who were connected with me, some how, but who didn't know one another at all. Kara had come over(in real life that night) so she seemed to be my buddy in the dream. Each time more people came or something would happen she would tell me that it was only a dream. We got to the point that it was really exciting to recognize the dream parts and we even got out the camera to try to capture the moments.

I checked on the camera the next day and unfortunately they were not there....but hot damn that would have been bad ass.

I am glad that you had the medicine you needed, when you needed it. That's wonderful. However, I am confused as to what happened with the massage school? And since you missed a week or two of the ship, you can't go back? hmmmmm....and what of the greenhouse?


I'm gonna tell you that I would have been really struck by that day as well. How very "bubble" popping:( And not the fun bubble wrap popping that at least gives you the satisfaction of the sound.

[HoneySuckleBlue]

We made creme brulee in these really neat earthen crocks :)

That woulda been a real 'wow' moment to see the pictures come through the veil like that ;) my earth woulda been shattered, lol.


Well massage school wanted 2200 dolla by this coming monday...and it's not gonna happen even though it could if I begged and pleaded. My will can manifest anything...but It would have an equal and opposite affect and create more difficulties & resentment and now I am more about opening to experience rather than forcing it you know? So I am just going to save up over the summer and let come with ease and patience.
And yeah with the ship, I missed too much plus it is just too much studying for me to do right now. I am putting in alot of hours a day getting the bussiness set up on quickbooks and sorting out the bussiness taxes. The two were competing for my time and creating alot of stress. I felt like I was spinning very fast. It got to where it was hard to do anything at all and I got sick.
I went up to the greenhouse yesterday morning and she said she needs sales help at the begining of April. Sounds cool if it works out, just as an excuse to get out and be around other people, can't imagine getting paid much...but on my way back I talked to Rich and he said he'd much rather just pay me to work his books and that there is just more money in that than working a cash register at a nursery...and now I am gonna keep track of my hours and he willactually pay me intead of taking me for granted.

So I don't know, it looks like all of this had to happen the way it has to help me to distill my working relationship with my husband and help us come to a fair agreement where we are both happy. Just like moving to Vancouver, going through all those motions has shifted the energy and something new came through.

It's okay that the bubble popped because a new one always takes it's place( ;) every ending is a new begining). This new one is even cooler than the last because it is real and authentic with no stress and leads to a deepening of me and Rich's relationship. So I gotta tell you suprisingly enough there actually is alot of satisfaction from the popping, lol. It also reminded me that I think too much instead of just spontaneously Being what I am. Alot of my distress comes from all the thinking and planning I do too. I am living in a time other than the present so it has nothing to do with reality...as I plan less I am confident there will be less dissapointment and more energy to be fully present and answer my source energy as it calls to me in the unfolding Now instead of living in projections and contorting to reconcile them with what is really happening.

It's all good...that's what earth school is all about eh?

[HippyChick1960s]

Hey, i've only got a few minutes, but I know something about this stuff- had to study it. Anyway, if someone wants to get a handle over mania naturally that also works, do a net search and check out what I'm saying here. Look up the amino acid GABA and Taurine. Could be lots of other issues, like parasitic infection or extremely poor digestion (so nutrients don't get up to the brain enough), but start with the calming GABA and Taurine. Its scientific. 'Course Omega3's but I figured most know about that. :) Good luck.

[Ariesmother]

I also have the manic issues. Try Relora and Valarian root. It wont zombify you like chemicals. Valarian root helps mellow your mind so you can be rational for once and not jump on and off board ship so quickly. Relora also helps with these things in a more naturall feeling way. I am not a physician but do not reccomend lithium, it can do as much damage as good. Lithium is also a natural occuring substance within our bodies and the earth, it is just not meant to be delivered in a capsule full of a prescribed amount and drowned in misc agents.