pphuckoff
06-29-2004, 08:48 PM
Hi All,
I am hoping that there is someone here who can help me. The problem is that I think I might be Bi-Polar, but I am not sure. I was diagnosed years ago by my PCP, who at the time didn’t even know me. She said I had depression, and anxiety disorder(as far as I understand it I do not have anxiety disorder). The way she came to this conclusion is because I told her I was depressed, and she gave me a questionnaire which was very vague and ambiguous. It posed questions such as: “how many times per week do you feel sad.” That is relative, to what has happened to me that week, or each day for that matter. It didn’t really delve into any specifics, nor did it address the underlying problems I have. She prescribed 3 different meds over the course of 2 years to see what would work for me. None of them worked to my liking, they all made me cranky and emotionless. I felt like a zombie and that to me was not normal. I couldn’t stand the feeling. I felt like there were bugs crawling in my head it was so bad. So I told her I was all better and I wanted off the meds. She said fine, and I went off, gradually btw. That was hell, it felt like coming off herion (or at least I imagine since I’ve never done it).
I have been off of the meds for a good 3 years or more now. The problem is I still think that there is something seriously wrong with me. At first I chalked it up to being really bad PMS, but I’m beginning to think it is more than that. My mother was diagnosed as being Bi-Polar when I was little and she was on lithium for a while. My father is an abusive alcoholic who is depressed, but has never been clinically evaluated, and my aunt on my father’s side was institutionalized for being Bi-Polar. I was raised in an abusive home (both physically and mentally and emotionally). Anyway, I can’t tell if I just have “issues” from my childhood, or if I have a real problem.
Most recently, I had a fight with my boyfriend. We fight pretty much like clockwork every 3 weeks (why I attributed it to my period), then we are fine for a while then we fight again. The fights are getting progressively more violent, on my part. I often end up breaking things and screaming and this past time I packed up and left. Now, he and I do have some issues to work out, but I’m trying to figure out if this could be caused by my being Bi-Polar, or if it is just me repeating the cycle of my parents because that is the behavior I have learned. I have other symptoms, including severe mood swings, overspending (I just recently got out of debt), low self esteem followed by extremely high self esteem, I can go days without sleep, then I won’t want to do anything for a week. I can’t concentrate which is affecting my job performance, and my school work and I’m often impulsive and I don’t think about the consequences of my actions (ie moving out like a freak and busting out a window).
Now, I’ve made an appointment with a therapist that I will see on Thursday. I’m just concerned that I will be thrown back on to the meds again and no one will help me with my deeper issues. I know I can get better, and I don’t want the meds, I hate them. So, I guess I need to know what to expect when I go, and how do I know if the guy is any good or not? I have only been to a shrink once before, and I felt so uncomfortable and so judged that I ended up lying to her, when I should have told her the truth because she was not able to help me (I never went back after that one time). I don’t want to lie to this guy, but if I feel weird then I might. I do keep a journal, and have since I was about 15. I only write in it about once or twice per month, and usually only when I’m feeling badly, but would it be ok to take it with me? I’m scared. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’m going to do; I can’t keep living like this, hurting people and sabotaging my own life. Does anyone here have any idea what I’m going through, or can anyone offer any support or advice?
I am hoping that there is someone here who can help me. The problem is that I think I might be Bi-Polar, but I am not sure. I was diagnosed years ago by my PCP, who at the time didn’t even know me. She said I had depression, and anxiety disorder(as far as I understand it I do not have anxiety disorder). The way she came to this conclusion is because I told her I was depressed, and she gave me a questionnaire which was very vague and ambiguous. It posed questions such as: “how many times per week do you feel sad.” That is relative, to what has happened to me that week, or each day for that matter. It didn’t really delve into any specifics, nor did it address the underlying problems I have. She prescribed 3 different meds over the course of 2 years to see what would work for me. None of them worked to my liking, they all made me cranky and emotionless. I felt like a zombie and that to me was not normal. I couldn’t stand the feeling. I felt like there were bugs crawling in my head it was so bad. So I told her I was all better and I wanted off the meds. She said fine, and I went off, gradually btw. That was hell, it felt like coming off herion (or at least I imagine since I’ve never done it).
I have been off of the meds for a good 3 years or more now. The problem is I still think that there is something seriously wrong with me. At first I chalked it up to being really bad PMS, but I’m beginning to think it is more than that. My mother was diagnosed as being Bi-Polar when I was little and she was on lithium for a while. My father is an abusive alcoholic who is depressed, but has never been clinically evaluated, and my aunt on my father’s side was institutionalized for being Bi-Polar. I was raised in an abusive home (both physically and mentally and emotionally). Anyway, I can’t tell if I just have “issues” from my childhood, or if I have a real problem.
Most recently, I had a fight with my boyfriend. We fight pretty much like clockwork every 3 weeks (why I attributed it to my period), then we are fine for a while then we fight again. The fights are getting progressively more violent, on my part. I often end up breaking things and screaming and this past time I packed up and left. Now, he and I do have some issues to work out, but I’m trying to figure out if this could be caused by my being Bi-Polar, or if it is just me repeating the cycle of my parents because that is the behavior I have learned. I have other symptoms, including severe mood swings, overspending (I just recently got out of debt), low self esteem followed by extremely high self esteem, I can go days without sleep, then I won’t want to do anything for a week. I can’t concentrate which is affecting my job performance, and my school work and I’m often impulsive and I don’t think about the consequences of my actions (ie moving out like a freak and busting out a window).
Now, I’ve made an appointment with a therapist that I will see on Thursday. I’m just concerned that I will be thrown back on to the meds again and no one will help me with my deeper issues. I know I can get better, and I don’t want the meds, I hate them. So, I guess I need to know what to expect when I go, and how do I know if the guy is any good or not? I have only been to a shrink once before, and I felt so uncomfortable and so judged that I ended up lying to her, when I should have told her the truth because she was not able to help me (I never went back after that one time). I don’t want to lie to this guy, but if I feel weird then I might. I do keep a journal, and have since I was about 15. I only write in it about once or twice per month, and usually only when I’m feeling badly, but would it be ok to take it with me? I’m scared. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what I’m going to do; I can’t keep living like this, hurting people and sabotaging my own life. Does anyone here have any idea what I’m going through, or can anyone offer any support or advice?