Lying in a field
12-05-2005, 08:28 AM
I have spent years trying to be happy since I left school, trying to attach myself to beautiful ideals like the good of humanity, and the beaty of interconnections. I have watched movies, listened to music,. played music. I've done just about anything to keep myself from become completely detached from others. I've struggled constantly with relationships, finding them to be shallow and filled with delusion, as if people only have relationships just so they can convince themselves they exist, or that they don't exist. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I am a good strong person, a social person and I can have meaningful relationships with people, and for a while I can be happy. I have recently become so confident in myself that I held a belated 21st party and I am planning a trip around Australia.
Yesterday I had my 21st, I lost my confidence and once again became very afraid. Instead of the tender, patient, honest person I thought I was, and have been quite a lot recently, I became fake and basically talked as if life was just made up of concepts, logic and ideas (me one of them). The reason I have the friends I do is I have this ability to be very honest and tender which seems to stem from somewhere very natural, as if love truly exists. People didn't see that in me yesterday and I think they were very dissapointed. I was dissapointed in everyone else too, I thought they were disgusting cafe culture freaks. I thought of killing myself all night. Today I am cold ashamed and isolated once again. I have this feeling now which is a lot like what Jean Sartre describes in Nausea. It is a "beautiful day" but I dont feel any love for it, instead its like the sun is scorching and everything is going to burn. I seem to drift around, having no compassion or sense of attachment to anything, I only do what I have to to avoid further complications. I dont want to be disturbed, I'm so volatile, my dad lost his temper because I turned the sprinkler on him so I just sprayed him with the hose and told him the fuck off, but I didn't think it was funny, it was like my arms and mouth were moving and my head is off in another world, a world of nothingness. I sit in my room, desperately wanting to attach myself to something, some possession, a person, but nothing in the world could stop me feeling so sick. None of my friends, my family, no chocolate, no food, no sex, no smiths or belle and sebastian (its all empty) could stop me from feeling like I exist in this world as some sort of sick joke, but really im not supposed to be here at all. Its a feeling I can not describe, its almost like you're completely dead but you're still alive at the same time, you're not frightened, or depressed, but you can't feel anything. You desperately want to, but you cant, and it tears you ever so softly inside, im all shaky. I just want to write in these forums all the time because at least I exist there, or at least I have the ability to lie and not feel bad about it. I don't know how else to describe this.I've had this for about 4 years, sometimes for weeks at a time, sometimes only once in 6 months and sometimes a lot more. An ex-girlfriend had it too, but she only got it in really bad short bursts after which she couldnt handle it anymore and she'd have an anxiety attack.
Does anybody else feel this way? does it pass?
If it ever does pass, what will happen then, will it allow me to grasp existence for what it really is?
Yesterday I had my 21st, I lost my confidence and once again became very afraid. Instead of the tender, patient, honest person I thought I was, and have been quite a lot recently, I became fake and basically talked as if life was just made up of concepts, logic and ideas (me one of them). The reason I have the friends I do is I have this ability to be very honest and tender which seems to stem from somewhere very natural, as if love truly exists. People didn't see that in me yesterday and I think they were very dissapointed. I was dissapointed in everyone else too, I thought they were disgusting cafe culture freaks. I thought of killing myself all night. Today I am cold ashamed and isolated once again. I have this feeling now which is a lot like what Jean Sartre describes in Nausea. It is a "beautiful day" but I dont feel any love for it, instead its like the sun is scorching and everything is going to burn. I seem to drift around, having no compassion or sense of attachment to anything, I only do what I have to to avoid further complications. I dont want to be disturbed, I'm so volatile, my dad lost his temper because I turned the sprinkler on him so I just sprayed him with the hose and told him the fuck off, but I didn't think it was funny, it was like my arms and mouth were moving and my head is off in another world, a world of nothingness. I sit in my room, desperately wanting to attach myself to something, some possession, a person, but nothing in the world could stop me feeling so sick. None of my friends, my family, no chocolate, no food, no sex, no smiths or belle and sebastian (its all empty) could stop me from feeling like I exist in this world as some sort of sick joke, but really im not supposed to be here at all. Its a feeling I can not describe, its almost like you're completely dead but you're still alive at the same time, you're not frightened, or depressed, but you can't feel anything. You desperately want to, but you cant, and it tears you ever so softly inside, im all shaky. I just want to write in these forums all the time because at least I exist there, or at least I have the ability to lie and not feel bad about it. I don't know how else to describe this.I've had this for about 4 years, sometimes for weeks at a time, sometimes only once in 6 months and sometimes a lot more. An ex-girlfriend had it too, but she only got it in really bad short bursts after which she couldnt handle it anymore and she'd have an anxiety attack.
Does anybody else feel this way? does it pass?
If it ever does pass, what will happen then, will it allow me to grasp existence for what it really is?