This Life

[TrippinBTM]

This Life

As soon as we finish all our works are undone,
and our tears as we cry all burn up in the sun.
Prayers we send skyward go answered by none,
and our bones pile up, by the pound, by the ton.

This life that we live is cruel straight to the bone
for as long as we can we neglect to atone;
but up goes the cry, for we'll reap what we've sown,
until here in the dust shall we die all alone.

***

Critiques and comments welcome and appreciated :)

[kokoyo112]

It seems in a way very true to life. It doesn't seem very pleasant but neither is life.

[Scarlit Rose Flowz]

that was pretty good. really like and our tears as we cry all burn up in the sun.
i agree , life is cruel and meaningless a lot of the time... but i dont think its totally fucked. theres some magic and miracles and many blessings for us as well.

[Keramptha]

okay, i'll CRIT. you!


great tone. very disparate. this is what i'd do differently.



As soon as we finish every work is undone,
and our tears as they cry all burn up in the sun.
Prayers we send skyward go answered by none,
and the bones will pile up, by the pound, by the ton.

This life that some live is cruel straight to the bone
while as long as it is, we neglect to atone;
still up goes this cry, for we'll reap what we've sown,
until here in the dust shall we all die alone.


i actually loveit nowive got to read it over and understand it form my own way of changing it. thanks trippin!

[pagansrule!]

VERY COOL, your poems are always enlightening

[TrippinBTM]

I'm not entirely sold on the first stanza, but I think I like what you did with the second one, it's better than mine for sure :)

For the record, this was the result of a moment of frustration at work. I felt like as soon as I finished something I had to do it again, anyone who ever worked retail (especially stock) surely understands, haha. But I generally don't feel this way about life :)

[Keramptha]

aha.. well that just my aspect of nihilism coming out then1

[Bhaskar]

Its very insightful. I like it.

[sylvanlightning]

Ah, the cycles of retail....
job security found in the changing flux,
is as a parent addressing a childs needs;
our service tends to allow irresponsibility,
yet, how often we rely on unseen others
is measured by personal responsibility.

There are many who set an example
by fronting stock after selecting a gift.
When will the emphasis shift from
getting for oneself to giving to others...
without a tangible reward.

Thank you for the thought provoking poem.

[Corvuspirit]

well...the lines flow nicely - each one an equal breath. the message is familiar to anyone having one of those days (months, years, lives). overall, i'd say you have a winner here.

~corvuspirit