absolutly p''d off with sex!

[darkangel]

hope i dont bore yu all here goes, been married for 21 years 3 kids never had a great sex life, he gets a bit carried away with himself! got to try the whole list of things to do in one go! well things got so bad lately that after 10 years of no sex at all, he had enough and said that he would leave if we couldnt get things sorted out, so i have been to the doctors, nothing wrong there, started going to sex threapy, and thats where my problems are, the process that they have you doing well the sensate focus bit - i fall asleep within 5 mins, and to be honest some of the other things that they suggest such as masterbation - well i have absolutely no idea , well i know how to just have no interest, as they say i can flick the bean all night but it dont do a thing for me not even slightly damp nothing! i find the whole thing upsetting when they say not to expect him to be a mind reader and find out what i like myself and then tell him, any clues on that without masterbation would be great!

well as you can gather i havent ever experienced and orgasm even with the newly bought vibrator so i just feel that i am going around in circles at the moment, help please cause i have really run out of ideas.

[hippychickmommy]

It sounds to me like you are most definitely holding back for some reason. Did you suffer sexual abuse in your life?

Have you talked to the doctors about things to increase the libido? Natural herbal supplements or things of that kind?

Are you on any prescription meds that could be causing lack of sexual interest/and or difficulty climaxing? Do you suffer from chronic depression? How about your stress levels? (As a mother of three myself, I know that stress is inevitable sometimes) How does your husband treat you from day-to-day?

Sorry for all of the questions. ;) Any number of those things can have a major impact on your sex life, making desire and ability to climax nearly impossible. You've got to examine your life more closely and see what it is that is really holding you back. lack of self confidence? Fear of rejection?

[darkangel]

i had a very difficult childhood, parents very strick about everything including sex, doctors dont really know how to deal with this, and no im not on any other meds, and although i have been depressed within the last 3 years, this wasnt always the case so cant account for the last 21 years.

[ZePpeLinA]

i think your problem is more to do with how you feel inside. Can you relate to your husband in other areas of life, not only the sexual? do you feel sexy? are you happy with your body?
Women's sexual response is quite a tricky business. I think your problem is more to do with how you feel about yourself. If you can't get yourself off, its hard to expect that someone else will.

I think you should start slowly but looking at the things that have changed. If it used to be good and now it's not, there must be a reaosn, or many reasons. start by understanding why you are not interested in expressing yourself sexually and thenyou'll be able to find ways to fix the problem.

It takes more than sexy lingerie and silly things like that to help sex be a good experience. For us women, it's more to do with how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about our partners.

[ZePpeLinA]

i had a very difficult childhood, parents very strick about everything including sex, doctors dont really know how to deal with this, and no im not on any other meds, and although i have been depressed within the last 3 years, this wasnt always the case so cant account for the last 21 years.
you need to fix that before you can fuly enjoy of a healthy sexual life. The past might leave lots of things that are not needed in the present. It's important to deal with such things in the best way possible, good and bad experiences teach you things; perhaps you need to learn to deal with this in a way that it's best for you, now that you are an adult, capable of distinguishing between what's right for you.

start by treating your depression, why are you feeling like this? depression kills all sexual interest. Talking about things helps, a close friend, a counsellor....what about your husband? can you talk to him about what's on your mind?

that would draw yo guys closer.perhaps you need to communicate your feelings in order to come to terms with your past and make a fresh start.

[darkangel]

when i said i had been depressed note the word "had" i havent been on any meds for 2 years

no i dont feel sexy at all, wouldnt know where to start, feel more like a clothes hanger actually, you could dress me up in what ever you wanted but it doesnt make me feel anything different, and although i dont really have a weight issue im 5 foot 6 and 75 kgs the only other thing is that i had all 3 kids be c section and never once have i been told exactly why!
hubby and i do talk but that is all it is talk i tell him stuff he takes it on board for a short while and then he is back to his usual self, e.g. we bought the vibrator and he was using it on me, well he got into his head that for it to work it had to be banged into my clit which left me battered and bruised, even though i told him he was hurting me, ok sorry i wont do it again he said so the next time out it came and once again i had to take it off him! if it carries on this way i will just throw it in the bin!

i have been to all the counselling sessions i can take, but giving one last chance to the sex therapy, i even had a talk with hubby and asked him once if he had any idea what he was fishing around for when down there, answer "no not really" so i got the clitorus . com and got him to read it thinking it might make things a little easier for him to understand, rather than me directing him, very informative he said, but know when hes experimenting he is watching me like a hawk to see if i do the things that the site said would happen, which it obviously doesnt when hes staring and going through the motions, why not get a magnifying glass out and check dear! it makes me so mad, im 41 years old never had a great time like others, been married for 21 years and feel like i have a properbility of facing the rest of my life in this awful situtation, no i wouldnt consider leaving him, if that was the only way of improving things, i would just have to learn to accept it. surely there must be an easier way than this?

[tigerlily]

do you really have any interest in sex? Do you get horny? you say you don't feel anything when you play with your clit and you've never had an orgasm and you don't feel sexy... i really think some ppl just aren't very sexual at all. sometimes i get to where i'm just uninterested. i don't get horny, don't get "tingles" down there, don't want to masturbate or do anything to cum. is there anything sexual that you enjoy? if you really aren't capable of orgasming (which i think some women might not be) then is there anything you like while naked with somebody else? low libido is definitely the most difficult thing to fix as far as sexual problems but i do believe it is fixable.

[darkangel]

well after amother night ending up crying in bed, i am totally confused with what the hell he wants from me. we went away at the weekend without the kids and on the friday night it was ok, did some stuff and then went to sleep, when im with him i feel like i become a different person, and although in my head it saying dont do this or that cause youll end up getting it wrong again, i have been going against what it going on in my head and just doing it, well as i said that was a week ago, we came back on the sunday and when we got into bed he was snuggling up and something came "up" so i got busy, i asked him twice if he wanted me to stop which he didnt then after he came he said thankyou and turned over and went to sleep, i feel like a prostitute! when we where away he became so engrossing in what we were doing and he thought that i had cum, i hadnt, but he went on about it and i couldnt tell him for a few days as i didnt want to break his bubble but at home he just went on about it and then i told him i hadnt, which he was dissappointed "for me" yeah right!

so to answer your question, no i dont really have any interest, not unless i spend the day trying to think about it which can be hard work! do i get horny? whats the point if its one way and he is going to reject my usless attempts at getting him interested, again its all a one way thing with him, im suppossed to be ready for him after dark in bed when to be quite honest i dont have anything to work on through the day to let me even a little bit know that he would be interested,

playing with my clit - well i get more out of picking my nose ( not literally)than touching that, is it possible that its dead?

anything sexual i enjoy - cant think of anything! he once told me i havent got a sexy bone in my body and hes right.

anything you like while naked with somebody else - not really, although my hubby is the only person i ve been with so cant really say, but i dont have any fantasies about others and have no inclination to find out,

low libido - more like no libido! i dont feel anything not just with him but towards others, to give you an idea we could watch a porn movie, or if im out with the girls, and see a few lads the others may get turned on but i feel more like "can i have a bag of chips please!

feel like im from a different planet - and talk a different language, may be this is more the nearest you can get to being dead while still being alive and walking around i dont know.


but i do believe it is fixable. - maybe , thats why im trying, but the trouble is it seems like its only on my hubby s terms, i told him that i need some cognitive threapy from him, i.e. if he trys and makes love tries and tells me through out the day how much he wants to be with me, makes me feel special then eventually i might start to feel and believe it, at the moment i get a hug when he comes in from work, then after tea if we are on the sofa he may rub my back a bit and that s it. i just feel like a "thing" that provides for his kids, does his washing and cleaning and warms the bed for him! i feel like i am there for his pleasure as and when it suits him, and when i do say something about our situation, all i get is oh well i was tired or this happened or that, excuses excuses, i am beginning to doubt whether he really has much interest in going to the sex/relationship threapy as he never talks about it and certainly never understands that i am bricking myself about it, not that i am bothered about telling a complete stranger about our problems but more because he will be sat there listening to what im saying, which i may get a reaction for 5 mins and then its bussiness as usual.

sounds like im talking about a really horrible bloke dont it, he isnt, hes the most kindest person i know, and i love him to bits couldnt see myself with anyone else, hence me going through all of this shit.

[Weeble]

Have you ever considered hypnotherapy? It might be an underlying sub-conscious event, mind set (due to your parents strict up-bringings) or something along those lines. If you haven't tried it, it may not help and it may; but you also may learn things about yourself that you never knew exsisted. It may be worth a try.

Also, sometimes if something traumatic happenes to a child they block it out completely. Sometimes parents actually harm their children by pretending nothing happened while trying to protect them from it. Hypnotherapy could make you relive the possibly hidden event and unlock the mystery of why you can't enjoy anything sexual.

Do you have any siblings? If you do, talk to them. Ask them if they have any issues with anything of a sexual nature. Were your parents always strict and do you know the reason why they were strict? Did they become noticably strict at some point in your life?

Just something to think about.

[2shy_olhippiegal]

I have some of the same problems, a low sexual drive, a really hard time reaching an orgasm and I think I was in my late 20's to early 30's before I had one. You seem to be in a routine comfort zone, take or leave it, don't really feel like it sort of mind set. I will say that the person of 12 years that I've been with has done a lot to help me out.
My 1st husband said I was frigid and I never got off with him. What did it take? I tried all the cock shaped vibrators and rings and toys and ribs and squiggles until I found my favorite. Now it's my friend for life tho with the man I have I don't need it. It's a vibrator that has all the attachments, a massager I think with 2 speeds. There's a cap type one that has little rubber pin type things spaced about 1/4" from each other, almost looks like a rubber hair brush. It's hard to find just the right spot and right postitioning of those little spiny things. I manage to hook one under my clit and to one side of it and start massaging up and down. The pins have to be a stiff plastic and not the soft pliable ones. Sometimes pretty hard but not to damage me. When we make love it's always him on top and once he's erect he puts his legs on the outside of me and mine are together so he's using the top part of his penis to massage me directly. It may take a half hour or more so your man has to have staying power and that took some practice on his part too. By having my legs together it helps to keep your muscles positioned so you have some control as if you're using your own little penis. I never talk, I never tell him what I want, I have some mind issues and blocks and I just can't. I had really strict parents too. Videos make me feel like I'm not good enough cause they wanna teach me how it should be and it's just not me. Some days I think even a jackhammer would be lame. My man has prided himself in being an awesome lover. He always spends a minimum of an hour and insists I get off every time and god bless him he succeeds every time. There's nothing wrong with you, I use to think so myself for yrs. n yrs. I'm not frigid, I'm different, what works for one bombs for another. I'm sure gettin bold in my old age but I wanna help the few of us who aren't sex goddesses. Who knows maybe it'll be a success story for someone out there and I hope it's you. Take care!!

[darkangel]

thanks to the two of you for your replies, been away for the weekend, hence the delay

weeble - i had thought about hypnothreapy, but have decided that it might not be all that helpful, due to my problem seems to be one of desire, i feel dead from the neck down. although i have a sister, we arent that close that i could ask her as to her views and as she is 2 years into a marriage and has a new baby i dont think that it would be terrible productive asking her.

2shy - i wouldnt really call it a comfort zone that im in but i do understand what you are talking about, i have a vibrator, a rabbit one, however i dont feel the urge to practise on my own with it, and when with my hubby, well he is just to damm rough!
how long should it take to get off with it? as last night 3 hrs later i came so damm close 5 times then something just switched off in me everytime and start again! well after changing the batteries several times i ended up nearly throwing the thing out the window, hubby was left comforting me as i cried myself to sleep and he was telling me how much of a good time i had, and as far as positions go, well nothing seems to reach there, and to be honest i am really starting to think that maybe even when it is supposedly aroused its just so damm small cause visually there is no difference in size, nothing changes at all. videos, well i never watch tv anyway i just cant settle to watch it but yes i think that they would do more to re enforce some ones problems than much else and at my age well how the hell does someone stay in some of those positions?

my hubby isnt that proud that it would hurt his feelings when i tell him his technique might be good for him but it isnt doing much on my body, and he will always try to take time but well after such a long time looking after himself he had forgotten what was needed to do me, he is working on this,

[sonador_hermosa]

maybe the problem isn't you...maybe it's your husband.

[darkangel]

in what way do you think it could be him, i really do know that its me though as i have been chatted up many times and been very close with a few blokes and it really doesnt do anything, where as hubby doesnt have to many issues other than those that are related to us, so thats why i see it as me being the problem

[sonador_hermosa]

i was talking psychologically. it may be because you are having internal, emotional trouble with your husband (and it might be hidden, actually) and that is the root cause of your lack of sexual interest. it was just a theory.

[2shy_olhippiegal]

We just recently bought one of those rabbit vibrators. I thought sure it would work. I tried to imply that maybe it was upside down but it was impossible. It was just me. Up and down, up and down, I feel your frustration. I get so close but very rarely. I have thing going on in my brain that tells me it's going to end before I climax. You really need the type of vibrator I described. If you want to pm me I will send you a pic so you know what to look for. It was a waste of $40 for a speed controlled rabbit for me.
My man hates my vibrator cause it can do what he spends over an hour at times to accomplish in just a couple minutes. What can it hurt? I know it changed my life for the better and not to leave out him as he's been so helpful in my overcoming so many of my inhibitions tho he still can't get me to talk. I feel comfortable enough to masturbate in broad daylight in front of him and I never use to be able to do that. I've come a long way and there's still a long road ahead of me but it's never too late.

[darkangel]

last night i actually asked him to help me, with or without the bloody rabbit! didnt happen mainly cause of me i was actually a bit upset involving me and him getting a bath together, i got hold of the wrong end of the stick, anyway, i feel that after such a long time that if things are going to improve then my my body/ brain needs to make the conection and to see that happenning then i am going to need to make sure it doesnt get any chance to relapse into its old ways! so as they say little and often! whether t hat be just a kiss and cuddle, or him only or him with the rabbit, well i thought that buying it would take the pressure of him "to perform" i dont think he has much of a clue as to my problem, when we have been making love in the past i have allways been the one to think was that it and left in discomfort for the next week, then we do it again and it repeats its self. after a time you just dont want to go through that everytime do you?? so doing nothing was easier than being left like this, well i am trying to change, i have told him about it, he knows that i have never orgasmed which he wants to help me with, he says that cause of last night he has to watch every word he speaks in case i take it as an intention, well if he doesnt make his intentions clear then i just wont know will i? is that the part of desire? or arousal?

if you can send me info on the type of vib your talking about thanks

[ChaosD]

Before meeting your husband did you remember feeling attraction or arousal towards anyone else? What exactly made you want to marry him? It's very possible that you may just be Asexual.

[darkangel]

when i met my hubby i couldnt get enough of him! i remeber the times coming back in the house and my dad would have been sat up waiting for me and i had trouble walking in a straight line!!!! nevermind upright!!! we always try to behave as if nothing ever hapened but im sure they knew.

what made me want to marry him? well apart from loving him - thats a very difficult question and to be honest i dont think i could ever come up with a answer

[Nickmast]

If you have been getting close and losing it, I would think that its a mental connection between your body and your brain. Sounds to me like your putting too much pressure on yourself and losing it when you get close.

[darkangel]

boy oh boy do i loose it when i get close for the 6th time in one night and then yet again it just suddenly goes! last time i was kicking and flinging stuff around the room/! shear frustration 6 bloody hours 8 batteries half a bottle of bloody lube never mind the effort hubby puts into it! mental conection oh sure it is thats a real time when its enough to tip anyone over the edge and unfortunatley not the one they were hoping for

[tigerlily]

do you drink? i definitely find it easier to relax and let myself go when i'm a bit tipsy but not too drunk, the brain doesn't seem to get in the way as much as when i'm totally sober... . just a suggestion... and not to say do it every time.

[darkangel]

i do drink occassionally but even a couple of bottles of wine dont work! i have a diazapin tablet let over from being shit scared to go to the dentist was thinking about that as it might just make me switch my brain off for a while, not really a good idea but well desparate time deserve desparate measures! its not really a route i would like to go down though as i see it as a sort of crutch, even a vibrator is that really isnt it?

[Graffixninja]

I noticed something you said a few posts back about not having any desire to try and practice by yourself and when your husband is with you he is too rough. I think you should try and do it by yourself, I think you should try it in a setting where you feel most relaxed. For example, if you enjoy a bath, try it while taking a bath. If you really have never "discovered" yourself alone, i think you should start there. Your husband can show you all the websites, books, therapy sessions, dildos, vibrators, whatever, he wants to but he can't sho you what you need you have to find it for yourself. And the only way is self exploration. And not just the clit, touch yourself all over, the body has many errogenous (sp.) zones.

[Trickster]

Like with everything, sometimes you just don't feel like having sex. Why should that be any different than other things. Unless it's a condition etc i would not worry. I didn't have sex for years, did not bother me at all.

[darkangel]

I noticed something you said a few posts back about not having any desire to try and practice by yourself and when your husband is with you he is too rough. I think you should try and do it by yourself, I think you should try it in a setting where you feel most relaxed. For example, if you enjoy a bath, try it while taking a bath. If you really have never "discovered" yourself alone, i think you should start there. Your husband can show you all the websites, books, therapy sessions, dildos, vibrators, whatever, he wants to but he can't sho you what you need you have to find it for yourself. And the only way is self exploration. And not just the clit, touch yourself all over, the body has many errogenous (sp.) zones.
this is the sticking point in our relationship, he wants me to be more sexual, however, i dont feel like that, never really have for a long time now, but he just doesnt actually put much into this change, he doesnt help me to feel things that i could use as a starting point! he has little to no interest in trying to encourage change in our bedroom, he sees that he hasnt got a problem its my problem, im expected to make all the changes by myself! it was me that went to the doctors and got the sextherapy started it was me that bought the vibrator, its me that looks at the web sites for help and inspiration, its me that goes into the bookshops. what more can i do?

last night ended up in a hugh row! everything was going well, so well in fact that on a scale of 1 -10 he, on his own without battery help, got me to a 9! then he just stopped, no warning just stopped. his excuse he thought i had cum! bollocks he thought like that 15 -20 years ago thats when the problems started cause he has got his satisfaction (he came) and then thats it! he looses interest with me, i feel like a domestic whore! he knows this, i have talked to him about it till the cows come home but it goes in one ear and out the other, he proclaims taht he wants to help me but his actions say different.
well it has come down to this now, he doesnt know this yet, as its his mums birthday party this weekend and i want to get that out of the way first but he is out of here on sunday. ive had enough, i cant go through this mental torture any more, ive had that from my parents all my life and i dont want to spend anymore time going through it again.
last night he sat there on the bed after well curled up in a ball actually, blaming himself, crying, i was just so annoyed with him, i didnt want him to be near me, i wish to god he would go and use someone else and find out what sex is about, get told from someone else that he really doesnt listen to what others want and need, and then once he has learnt and understood then come back because this so called learning curve is just about killing me.

[Graffixninja]

I personally think he is causing you more harm then good. From what you are saying it sounds like not only is he causing tremendous pressure on you to have an orgasm he is also causing you to have a negitive self-image of yourself which probably isn't helping either. I can't imagine the pressure you must be feeling. When he leaves i highly recommend you doing it alone.

[Keramptha]

well, he does sound like a pillock, the way you describe him... sorry but.... if you say to somebody... 'you havent got a sexy bone in your body'.... would you really expect that person to feel turned on in your presence???, theyre more likey to be repelled by you... SO i wouldnt shag him, he sounds crap. and if he makes you feel 'used' then how are you going to enjoy it?

god he turns me off just thinking about him.. UGH.