Right Brain-Left Brain and Getting Wrapped Around the Axle....

[~Sam~]

"In general, each side of the brain has its own functions. The left side is the practical side. It likes to handle things in a linear manner, organizing and arranging the details of life. It likes to be rational, analytical, and verbal. It is the busy side of the brain in the technical world that surrounds us. The right brain deals with much larger areas, in wholes instead of parts. It is intuitive and full of imagery. It likes to integrate and synthesize, allowing things to happen simultaneously, and has little use for words.

Have you had times of physical activity when your body gave you pure joy, when what you did seemed infinitely easy and correct? Maybe it was that perfect fluid tennis stroke, or perhaps a flawless run down a ski trail. These are the breakthrough moments when the right brain is allowed to take over the responsiveness of your body with no interference from the left brain."

~ Salley Swift from Centered Riding


I was born a Right Brained Pisces, back in '46. Which makes me naturally left handed. At that time, my parents were the victims of Catholicism. "The Left Hand is the tool of the Devil."

So everytime that I reached for something with my left hand, either It got smacked or I did. When I was enrolled in Catholic School, things just got worser. Let me tell you, those Nuns are everything that's ever been said about them... and more.

Having no other options open to me at that time, I became Right Handed. Still write with my right hand, although I can do most things equally well with both hands... but handedness is not what I'm getting around to in this post. Besides, this adversity of my younger days, as in everything, has hopefully made me into a more understanding person. I'll admit to being Scatter Brained most of the time, however.

Allow me to fill you in on some of the details of the past 28 years that I have lived through and shared with Ken.

Being a 'mind picture' person living with a scientist type, direct opposites, has not been easy for either of us at times. We see things in a different light, we think about things in different ways, and we operate our individual lives differently on an hour-to-hour basis.

Southernman once said he admired (I think that's the word he used) Ken for being able to deal with a girl like me. And I'll admit that I haven't made life easy for the man. I've balked at the slightest provocation, I get defensive with no reason and on and on... blah, blah, blah....

But I'm not putting myself down, nor am I saying that my way is best. I'm just saying that for a 31 year old Thinker to get enamored with a 30 year old cigarette smoking, Jack Daniels drinking, acid dropping, pot smoking, foul mouthed, scatter brained, day dreaming Freak bitch was quite a courageous leap of faith on his part. The rest is history as they say.

No need to tell you that our differences have brought about some horrendous fights. Those fights have never been worthless. They have always led us to examine our individual motives, try to see the problems, and try our best to resolve our tiffs... Without losing our sense of self in the bargain. Life ain't always perfect around here by any means, but it looks to be gaining some awesome insight these days.

The past 28 years have presented us with a succession of fallings out and gettings back together... for what it's worth, I'll continue with the story of my Solstice Fire below.............

[~Sam~]

From reading my other posts in this forum, you've gathered that I have realized a 28 year old dream... to have another horse to love.

Oh, I thought that I'd have this wonderfully mellow Rocky Mountain Horse that I could saddle up and ride the trails around the reservoirs around here on...

He ain't mellow folks...

What he is, and why he has come into my life at this point in Time and Space is becoming very apparent to me. He has come to show me who I am and what I can become if I just relax and give it all a chance. He IS my mirror, and he IS himself.

Raven is an extremely sensitive creature. He reflects back everything that comes into his world, without the lies of human beings. Horses don't lie... they give back to you exactly what and who You are, complete with all the baggage that you bring to the relationship. This whole, brand new experience has been mind boggling for me. It has been frustrating, fullfilling, tense, mellow, spaced out, confrontational and cooperative.

Raven is not a biomechanical conveyance who takes me down the road under saddle, no he's not! When I first acknowledged this dream to have a horse in our barn, Ken was under the opinion that a horse was a stupid animal who transported a saddle from here to there. He has been pleasantly surprised by Raven's personality and by the depth of his intelligence. In other words, this "Horsey" thing has turned into one of the most incredible of Life's Lessons that either of us have Ever shared.

But... somehow, I've become wrapped around the axle of expectations and approval. I want for everything to be perfect and it's not... not yet anyhow. I want my horse to respect me, and I don't have a clue as to how this works.

What IS respect? What is trust? How does one become consistent and maintain an entertaining variety of ways of dealing with things at the same time? And while I'm asking myself these questions... What IS Love? Maybe it's all of the above, I'll be fucked if I know at this date, but I'm gonna find out.

Last night... after I chased Ken away from my fire... after I finally stumbled my way out of the woods on the moonless dark path at around 12 AM... after I had told him everything that I've held against him for the past 28 years (in a not so nice manner)... after a day long series of nasty comments and hateful behavior on my part... I asked him what respect was. He thought about it for a moment and said; "Respect is listening to the other person and giving their comments due consideration."

"In other words", I replied, "listen with half an ear, and be polite in your reply. That's not respect, that's dealing with people the way that you've been taught. Be polite, don't rock the boat, make everyone feel OK, then go your on with own way."

I think from the simple concept above, you can see just how much trouble we two old farts can get ourselves into around here. But, I digress again. It was respect we were speaking of, and it's respect for the lifeform with whom you're dealing in the moment, that has to be, above all else, Honest..............

[~Sam~]

So? What is respect? And what does it have to do with my facing myself, recognizing who I am, Accepting myself, and taking on the job of improving all my faults?

Everything, I guess.

I could blame my early upbringing for my faults, and I still do at times. But in recognizing where my behavior towards others comes from, I can also see that all this happened more than 55 years ago, and it's high time that I allow myself to be influenced by the more positive aspects of my friends and husband and to learn to let go of the past. Time to grow up? I don't think so. I think that I have to learn to be a child again, but in such a way as to nurture myself... to learn that adversity can also bring pleasure and not just pain, embarressment and distress.

Raven is showing me... with great disrespect to my person... how he needs me to be that child. To use the dominent side of my brain that I have been gifted with as it was intended. To use it with joy and abandonment... as a child would. To learn how to become myself by being good to myself and allowing myself to let go and be here in the recent future.

As Sally Swift said in her book; "In order to learn most efficiently, you must be able to concentrate. You can't force yourself to concentrte, however, if you do, you will immediately find yourself tense - with a scowling face, set jaw, and tight shoulders, holding your breath, with your center of gravity rising. This is the left side of the brain being busy and getting in the way. Most people want to be in total mental control of everything they do and find it difficult to allow their bodies to function without step-by-step instructions from the left brain.

Watch a child or puppy playing. It has total concentration on whatever it's doing, be it chewing on a toy, chasing a ball, or building with blocks and throwing them down again. The concentration may shift from one thing to another, but when it's there, it is total, complete, relaxed, and happy. In total concentration like this, the left brain is not interfering. Children and animals have not overdeveloped the left brain as most of us have learned to do." ........

So, I guess that my goal for today is to Chill. Learn to have FUN with everyone over at the barn... learn to be myself in a whole 'nother way... learn to bring back that sense of innocence that I allowed to be taken from me years and years ago. I want to learn amnesty. (We all learn from one another, eh Skip?) I want to forgive all of the past transgressional assaults against my Right brain, real or imagined, and breath freely. (Maybe I'll play in the mud today, feel it squish between my toes and fingers. Make me some mud pies, paint my face with it, get it all stuck in my hair.)


My celebratory Solstice Fire was not what I expected last night, by any means. I wanted to commune with the spirits of the Earth, but instead I ended up keeping everything and everyone away from me with my intentionally hateful energy. Just as well, because I truly was a very hateful, repulsive woman last night. I believe that I hated myself more than anything else. Oh, I would love to blame others for that state of mind, but that just ain't kosher.

For I have seen myself reflected in the still pools of my horse's eyes... and what I have seen there is enough to stop a tractor and trailer loaded with 20,000 pounds of cold rolled steel, and I have become wrapped around it's axle, going downhill on a twisty, winding road, and I have forgotten where the brakes are.

At this time, I would like to thank my husband for being the man he is. Any other person would have packed up their belongings and made their way, down the road, away from this bitch... Post Haste. But he didn't. He sat up in bed and truly listened to what I was trying to say. And when I had reduced myself to sobbing tears, he held me.

He also asked me for amnesty. Which I verbally granted on the spot.

Now... putting that amnesty into play, and leaving the past behind will be, and has been, the work of my life lessons this time around. And perhaps by my learning how to be the wonderful little child that I was born to be, I just may succeed.

You guys have a Good Day....

Sam

[grendel 44]

Wow Sam- Give yourself a break. You expect too much of yourself and the book you wrote this morning shows you got really upset and I hate to hear that sweetie. You are a strong powerful woman and you have kindness and compassion for others, take a little for yourself. Sorry your solstice didn't work out. We old women get crazy, freaked out and mad at the world sometimes. It happens to me too, I just wake up hating everyone and get all paranoid and wanna throw things, or machine gun the traffic. That's one of my favorite stress breakers by the way, I just sit on that freeway and dream that I have a great big automatic weapon on my car that I can shoot out all the RVs and trucks with. It works for me... I'd probably go to hell for it if I believed in hell, but.....

Take it easy on yourself, you are better than you think you are. Look at how admired you are on these forums. Go to the place in your mind where you love yourself and say "hi" from me.

PS: Don't ya wanna break the face of people who says it's just hormones!

[~Sam~]

Oh Grendel, thank you so much. I'm granting myself amnesty for yesterday, and instead of playing in the mud I picked respberries and stuffed my face until my lips turned purple.

This all started as I was force-feeding Annie, our dog, yesterday morning. She has taken to eating horse shit and Nothing else. she hasn't eaten in two weeks and has lost a lot of weight and walks like she has a tummy ache. Probably does.

When we finished with chores, I looked down into the pasture to find Raven freaking the fuck out Big time. Looking further a field, I saw the neighbor's geese on the bridge, just a flapping their wings and having a grand old time of it.

I hate geese. Especially when they are supposed to be confined on the neighbor's property. He just got rid of his tennents who had a million ducks that shat all over our place and wreaked havoc in our pond. I spent 4 years chasing their little ducky asses off of the place and now this.

Well, let me tell you, I was ready to rip their little goosey throats out with my bare teeth for spooking Raven so badly. And upon due consideration, after the fact, I have figured out that it was these freaking geese who caused Raven to spook and Kai to break his leg.

Kenny goes over on the tractor and tells them that having his geese run loose is definitely Not and option.... Meanstwhile, as I walk back into the top of the barn where Ken has just pulled the tractor... I'm outta breath from chasing the geese through the stream, throwing stones at them and screaming obsenities on them, their future children and the neighbor's habits...at the top of my lungs... and he tells me that I have to chill! That did it! I wasn't fit to live with for the rest of the day and half of last night. Damn! I hates geeses to pieces.

Anywho... All of this turmoil between us has needed to be aired out for years now. I figure, upon looking back at it all today, that what had happened was a god send. I'll take the lessons given to heart, try to put into practice what I've learned... and carry on in more mellow manner. It's working so far. And don't we old women get all carried away with events... Sheesh!

I was glad that I didn't smash the coffee pot on the sink last night. I thought about it, but then I slammed a few doors instead. Real Hard.

A Howitzer, Baby! That's what I dream of... a goddamned, flippin' howitzer. I'd show them freakin' geese whose bridge it is... might not have a bridge left when I got done ... but I'd show them little geesey asses ... wouldn't I? AND those hormone causes everything guys too... might as well, since I have it out and all warmed up.

Glad for your input, you got me laugh at myself.

Love Ya,
Sam

And what could be more appropriate for a Summer Solstice than a good, old fashioned soul cleansing party. I haven't allowed myself to cry for years now...Well, with exception of Ray Charles' death... and it sure felt good to let it all out at long last.

Thanks Again.

[grendel 44]

Glad I could make you smile. I told you to watch out for those elves, I hope you didn't leave them Jack Daniels yesterday. That could account for your crappy solstice.
I am not having a good day either. I have done nothing worth anything today. Have the house to myself, which is normally a good thing, I live with Scott my youngest son (now 37 ) and dtr-in-law, Eda, they went to Santa Fe last week, they do love their road trips, and just called from Arizona, now they are going to the grand canyon. Anyhoo, I have been sitting on my bed nearly all day with my laptop.
I am glad you are feeling better about things, it's always good to get things out in the open, it sounds like you have a good loving relationship with Ken (who sounds like a saint). He, from what you say, seems to understand you better than you understand yourself.
Rasberries are much better than mud as you found out! It's to hot for them to grow here, so we pay a lot for them. Whenever they are on sale I get a bunch and make jam with them, then give it all away because I cannot eat it and haven't figured out how to make it with no sugar yet. I just think of it as communing with my grandmother who taught me how to make it.

If you are getting tired of my rambling, STOP HERE. Otherwise, continue and I will tell you about my grandmother. She was born in 1878 on a small farm in england and went into service when she was 14 as a downstairs maid in a big house. She had to get up in the middle of the night (to me) 4am or something horrid, and empty, clean and polish all of the fireplaces and set new fires. Then she had to help the cook with the morning tea for the family, the servants were not allowed to eat until after the family had been fed, so by the time the tea was made the servants were pretty hungry and still had to wait. She said they used to put eggs in the water for the tea and so had boiled eggs for the hungry servants. Then, it was clean scrub and polish, wash clothes by hand and do all the menial tasks that took another 14 hour day. She was a strong woman, after she got married her and her husband owned a public house, so by world war one, she was the belle of the neighbourhood. I used to have a picture of her standing outside the pub with lots of soldiers, looking as if she was having the best time. She taught me the old ways and they have stood me in good stead ever since.
Gotta nap now. Talk to ya later. V

[~Sam~]

god, Grendel... I don't mind your rambling... as you can tell from the length of most of my posts, I have a lot to say. And I love to talk to someone who talks back and keeps things going and interesting. So please, Ramble all you wish on this forum... that's why I started it. And we're out of the mainstream here, so it's nobody's beeswax if we take up 5 pages with our thoughts and feelings.

Saint Ken... well it's apropos isn't it. Isn't the "Poke" cannonizing a lot of dead people these days? I think that they have to wait until someone dies to elevate them to sainthood, no? That way folks can't see that their hallows are on just a bit cockeyed.

Your Grandmother's life and times sound like the characters that I read in sci-fi fantasy books. God but I love to read them. It takes me back to the times when people were people. They lived their lives in the shadows of greatness, didn't complain and accepted life on life's terms. This business of "Protect Me from ALL harm", has given Rumsfeld and his cohorts carte blanche to take away our liberties and protect us in ways that are beginning to resemble the Bund of Germany.

You know, folks like us who deal with chronic illnesses have to learn the fine art of Doing Nothing. They've given it a fancy name these days; "Creative Indolence". And I'll grant you the same consideration here... you may choose to stop here if you don't wish to read My ramblings...

You know of the Frontal Cortex-Temporal Lobe net? This net is woven by the habits of thought our language imposes on perception and the small amount of sensory data that makes it through this mental sieve.

When a society functions primarily through its frontal cortex, its members engage increasingly in secondhand thought... thought based less on direct sensory experience and more on assumptions passed down by others. Too much secondhand thought leads to a kind of voluntary sensory depravation, to the point where modern city dwellers find it advantageous to attend sensory awareness classes. In extreme cases, the habit of emphasing neural pathways between the temporal lobes and the frontal cortex, while ignoring input from the sensory-rich limbic system, leads to a loss of creativity and emotional responsiveness; the personality becomes flat. The effect is similar to that of a lobotomy, when the connections between the frontal lobes of the cortex and limbic system are severed surgically. It is disturbing that our cultural and educational systems can have a similar effect on healthy brains over time.

John Briggs, in his book Fire in the Crucible: The Alchemy of Creative Genius, gathered numerous studies illustrating how artists and inventors keep their thoughts pulsating in a field of nuance associated with the limbic system. In order to accomplish this feat against the influence of cultural conditioning, they tend to be outsiders who have trouble fitting into polite society. (sound familiar?) Many creative people don't do well in school and don't speak until they're older, thus increasing their awarness of nonverbal feelings, sensation and body language cues.

Briggs also found that creative people spend a lot of time, "doing nothing," alternating episodes of intense concentration on a project with periods of what he calls "creative indolence."

This was interesting for me to read, mostly because one of my life's mottos is; When there is nothing to do... Do nothing.

I hope that you don't mind some quasi-technical stuff here, but this book that I'm reading now; The Tao of Equus, A Woman's Journey of Healing & Transformation through the Way of the Horse, is no Namby-Pamby Bull Shit stuff. Most of the aspects of both human and equine thought are most forthright. I had said that I would share some of the things that I read if appropriate, and your reply sort of tripped my trigger on this line of thought.

I hope that you're doing a little better today... I'm sort of up and down. Mostly working on an ongoing process of recognizing stress when it pops-up its nasty little head, and releasing that stress into The Nothing. It must be working to some extent, because I'm even feeling a little hungry for food and water. Things that I usually forget about, so I go through most of the day sometimes without eating or drinking.

I was always a picky eater though. My Grandma would chastise my mother when she was still feeding me at the age of 5. I remember my Mom telling her; "I'll feed the girl until she gets married, then her husband can feed her." Guess what? He does do this... he sometimes has to go to extraordinary methods to intice me to eat, but it does work.

Thing is, I'm not a meat and potato kind of eater... I like exotic fare... like Emu, alligator, squirrel ( I once made Ken back up so that I could pick up the squirrel he had just run over. He only squashed the head, so I cleaned it, and roasted it on the open fire, applying lots of herb butter. He liked it just fine.) Mostly I'm a grazer, and eat leaves as I walk along, but rabbit, snake and fish are high on my taste preferrence list.

OK... I'm done, for now. I have to go out and see if Raven has made the decision to cooperate with me. If not, I'll be back and forth until he does. I'm through fucking around with him. I've come to find out that I am the boss here after all. When you have a thousand pound animal on the end of a rope... he had better Wish to cooperate through his own decision making processes... otherwise I could get seriously injured, and I don't like pain.

Hope You have a Good Day, Grendel.
Sam

[grendel 44]

I see a lot of sense in the left brain/right brain thing. If we hear negative stuff (you are ugly, you are stupid, you will never amount to anything) we hear it with our ears and disagree with the right side of our brain, however, the left side is not critical and if it gets enough of the same thing it will not trouble to sort out the wheat from the chaff (what the fuck is chaff anyway).

In other words, our subconcious is really what makes us what we are. I love the theory about the horse. I have not been around them very much, but there is something in their eyes that tells you that they understand us.

Also, WHY ARE YOU NOT EATING!!! I really understand why, it's a bit of an inconvenience and you don't always think of it when you brain is going a mile a minute. I have learned the hard way (insulin shock) that I must eat on a regular basis or I WILL go into shock, it's a very scary feeling and comes on so fast and you cannot even think straight. I have sat there sweating and shaking and been too stupid to go to the fridge and get some juice.

I am not sure that I would like to try the exotic fare you enjoy (thanks for not being a vegetarian). My husband (dead for many a year from diabetes and heart problems) used to eat anything. He was raised in a little town in New Jersey (born in 1935) and his grandfather used to go out and catch possum. squirrels and whatever. He also ate snake, nasty smelly wild ducks, and chitterlings. He was never so happy as when he found a food stand somewhere in Texas where they had pig ear sandwiches. His nickname was oink because he said you could eat everything on a pig except the oink!

Me, I love salty spicy saucy things. I'm gonna have some ribs tonight. I like veitnamese food (but not Thai) and most asian food. I like sushi, but have to eat it without thinking or I will barf at the thought. Small amounts of meat and lots of vegetables (the anti-low carbohydrate diet) and FINALLY Ben and Jerry are making "no sugar added" ice cream. I am pretty happy about that.

I am short (5'1") and just a bit tubby, I would be better off with about 10 less pounds, but fuck it, I am nearly 60 and being a bit tubby is the least of my problems. Still waiting for the bone scan results to see if I have pagets (or is it padgets) disease. I am sure I don't but the doc says my lab work shows that I might. Oh well, what the fuck is one more thing anyway.

Well on that bright and cheerful note, I will go pig out on ribs now. Love V

[~Sam~]

Hey Grendel, how're ya doing today?

Chaff is the seed covering and other debris resulting from threshing grain... barley, wheat, oats....

Boy, do horses Ever understand us. Mine sure understands that I don't know shit from shinola about giving him direction... Pissed! Hoo Boy can he get pissed at my clumsy attempts to do so... But I'm taking the steps to learn his language. Somehow, observing herd behavior with one horse is not giving me a clue and to how they interact with one another, lol.

I'm going for another lesson tomorrow. This time I think I won't ride, but ask this wonderful woman trainer just how the hell I'm supposed to deal with his refusing to go down into the pasture.

He has been so spooked by those gosslings that yesterday when I tried to lead him down there, he shouldered me out of his way. As I let the lead rope out all the way to the end, he turned and reared. I took him back to the barn and put him the other stall while I stripped his.

The thing about this is; is that I failed to be there for him, to offer comfort and direction. For 3 weeks! That's a big No-No as far as horses are concerned... and it's gonna take me some time to work through his fear enough for him to begin to rely on me again.

I thought about going over to the neighbors to ask if I could borrow 2 of them damned geese and a cage. I would put them, in the cage, somewhere on the barn floor where he could see them and become used to the site of them.... I think I'll wait to talk to her tomorrow.

About the eating... I don't seem to get all that hungry anymore.

Listen... I have something important to tell you about myself that probably can't be handled in writing. Let me know if it's OK to give you a ring.

Talk with you soon,
Sam

[Fractual_]

Listen... I have something important to tell you about myself that probably can't be handled in writing. Let me know if it's OK to give you a ring.




now you got me curious!

[~Sam~]

Fractual... It was a comment to, first of all ....

let Grendel, a woman of my own age group, know that I had a past here on the forums. And before she began to like me too much, there were things she needed to know... (as far as I was concerned.)

Secondly... to let those who were directly involved understand that I haven't forgotten. But one does have to carry on.

Nuf said,
Sam