Old_Crone~help a sister out

[TheLittleOne]

Hey, it's me, TheLittleOne. I have a situation. i dont think you read my post before the server went down, so i'll re-explain.
I have been with my bf for six months now...our relationship hasn't been as great as it was when we first got together...he seems sullen and depressed when he's around me....and i am frustrated when i'm alone, but he makes me happy to just see him, so i never say anything about my problems w/ the relationship. i finally did last weekend, and he kinda just tuned me out. he thought there was nothing wrong w/ our relaitonship. meanwhile, he's still in high school, works a butt-load...and rarely has time to spend with me. i love him...but he still has another year of high school left ....and then he'll go off to a good college, and i'll be left here....
i havent gone back to college...i'm having problems at home. i have no car anymore. i sleep on the couch, and am always on my toes around here, cuz my parents are just ready to kick me out. i'm borderline alcoholic...an insomniac...i havent been faithful to my bf because he never has time to be intimate with me....which i really have a problem with....
annnnnd there's more. my good friend is back visiting from the army and claims to be in love with me. he wants to buy a house and move me to florida to be with him. i like this guy alot.....love is a possiblility in the future...but i dont know if i could make him happy...or if i'd be happy with myself. by that point, i dont know if i will be with my bf....i will probably be willing to leave him....my parents want me to be a slave in their house forever and be their little bitch....
the army guy, sean, is leaving for korea this saturday, and will return in december to come get me, he says....and i trust he will....he's crazy about me....
i know you cant tell me what i should do, but i sure could use some advice from someone wise, which i know you are. my parents want me to go back to school and be stuck here forever, which i cant see myself doing, and will not enjoy. i cant make it here. there are too many temptations...
so, your advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you in advance.

[old_crone]

Hi TheLittleOne

I sit here with tears sliding quietly down my face while reading your post. I wonder who am I to answer such questions or give advice when my own heart lays open with vulnerbility and shyness. So if you do not mind I will come from a place, not of adivce but from just loving you. To me that means first being true to myself, and the willingness to be whole inside the choices I make.

In my head I remember the words (You are where you are because you want to be) (Face the lessons not the emotions) (Be your own change) (You must save yourself no one else can) (Love does not always choose you) Co-dependance is not love) ( Possesiveness, and exclusiveness are walls not buit from trust) (Control is ego looking for a way to hold on, not embrace the truth) Like an avalanch words come falling down, and I find I am left with me facing myself. No excuses, and buts will change this.

I remember, and ask where is spirit in this place. I come to understand that Spirit was always waiting for me to come home to my own healing, and growing up. I remember my open heart, and how easily I let it close. I remember what my choices were, and what the ramifications of those choice came to be. Then I saw myself, and ask is this who I want to be inside these steps. I remember pain that took me to the core of my being, and ask me to trust me..... This hurts, and yet the only way home to your own center, and truth is not holding on, but embracing the lessons you are drawing unto yourself. What you do with these is your choice.

Then I ask my center about accountability, responsability, hope, inner fires, and passion, and the wanting to be held or know I matter to someone, or am special in their eyes. I weep for this inner torment that frustrates me, and ask me to heal myself. Courage is not born when you have no need for courage. Its not about the ego, and I want, or the saving of the flesh made woes. This is not about others. This journey is about coming into your own wholeness, and face being true to your higher self, and spirit.

In this place love is a choice that will be as breathing. Loving only as deeply as you love yourself. Being all you can be, and your own healer will face you with your many faces, and lies, or truth you tell. In the end you still have only one hope that will face you inside... Were you true to yourself in the letting go, the embrace, and the places you choose to let your steps take you. Are you being whole knowing that when you do find a connection where the intimacy takes you closer to being alive then you ever dreamed...are you the best you can be. Anything less will seek to destroy long before the choices save you. Doubts are shallow ponds of weakness where you still wait for someone to help you face yourself.

loving you because I now know how to love me. This is not about forever until death do us part or even about promise. This is about this moment that we choose to see what we ask of our own spirit, heart, soul and healer within. What you choose matters as much as how you choose. How you see and treat others is really about how you see and treat yourself. Honesty comes from knowing your own heart and leaving no room for less than being whole and true unto yourself. There are two sides to co-dependance. The one who seeks to be cared for and needy, and the one who enables the the seeker and neediness. Both are choices. I remember trying to ride a bike with one petal. There is a balance that will demand much from the steps you take.

so love to me is a choice that comes from how far you dare to reach inside your own intimate places and embrace the wholeness of being true to your self.

loving you

[TheLittleOne]

thank you

love you, lisa

[chandra anjali]

even though that wasn't for me, it helped and i thank you