Maggie
07-28-2005, 06:40 PM
I feel hopeless, confused and completely lost right now, and I just need to vent and let the thoughts pour out. I'm not necessary looking for advice or even responses, but if you feel inclined to comment please do so.
First I should start off by saying that I'm bi polar, and this might all be irrelevant come tomorrow morning, or 10 minutes from now.
I feel completely alone right now, and I am. I've driven all of my friends and family away. I have no one left to lean on or even to talk to, and social anxiety and depression make it impossible to change this. I'm terrified that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, and if that's the case I see no point in living. I don't want a bunch of friends, all I want is one person who will accept my flaws and love me unconditionally. You'd think I'd beable to get this from my family, but about 4 years ago I went through a difficult period of anorexia and bulimia followed by extreme depression, self mutilation and suicide attempts, and my parents cut emotional ties with me because "it was too painful". I love them and have forgiven them for neglecting me in a time I needed them most, but I think the emotional connection has been cut for good, and I'll never beable to trust them again.
Since them my anorexia turned into binge eating and compulsive overeating, I no longer self injure, and I'm not suicidal. On occasion I still get thoughts of "I want to die", but that's as far as it goes, it's no longer "I want to kill myself". When I get depressed now I turn to food, and since I've gotten so fat it makes me even more depressed and hopeless.
Who the hell is ever going to love me like this? I feel like such a failure. I dropped out of highschool because I couldn't cope with it, I can't get a job because some days I just can't make myself get out of bed or take care of myself, and I can't make friends because when they get too close I freak out and push them away. I'll avoid them at all costs and turn to food to ease the lonliness. This isn't fucking working!
My past is a fucked up mess and my future looks like it's going to be the same. I want it to stop. I want to be loved unconditionally.
I love people so much and feel so compassionate towards people, and it's so frustrating that I can't express it. I want a friend so badly, I want a sweet boyfriend more than anything. But who the hell is going to put up with my mood swings? I want someone to accept me for who I am and stick by me when I go through tough times, but I'm afraid that I'm never going to find that person who understands and is dedicated enough to love me unconditionally. It's unfair for me to expect someone to continue being my friend when out of the blue I stop answering their phone calls or don't want to go out and do anything.
And how the hell am I ever going to get through college or get a job? I'm motivated and thriving one minute, then all of a sudden the world seems to drop out from under me and I run from everything. This is what happened in high school, this is what happened to my friendships.
I feel so hopeless right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they'll never desert me, and honestly mean it. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't go on like this forever. Fuck.
First I should start off by saying that I'm bi polar, and this might all be irrelevant come tomorrow morning, or 10 minutes from now.
I feel completely alone right now, and I am. I've driven all of my friends and family away. I have no one left to lean on or even to talk to, and social anxiety and depression make it impossible to change this. I'm terrified that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, and if that's the case I see no point in living. I don't want a bunch of friends, all I want is one person who will accept my flaws and love me unconditionally. You'd think I'd beable to get this from my family, but about 4 years ago I went through a difficult period of anorexia and bulimia followed by extreme depression, self mutilation and suicide attempts, and my parents cut emotional ties with me because "it was too painful". I love them and have forgiven them for neglecting me in a time I needed them most, but I think the emotional connection has been cut for good, and I'll never beable to trust them again.
Since them my anorexia turned into binge eating and compulsive overeating, I no longer self injure, and I'm not suicidal. On occasion I still get thoughts of "I want to die", but that's as far as it goes, it's no longer "I want to kill myself". When I get depressed now I turn to food, and since I've gotten so fat it makes me even more depressed and hopeless.
Who the hell is ever going to love me like this? I feel like such a failure. I dropped out of highschool because I couldn't cope with it, I can't get a job because some days I just can't make myself get out of bed or take care of myself, and I can't make friends because when they get too close I freak out and push them away. I'll avoid them at all costs and turn to food to ease the lonliness. This isn't fucking working!
My past is a fucked up mess and my future looks like it's going to be the same. I want it to stop. I want to be loved unconditionally.
I love people so much and feel so compassionate towards people, and it's so frustrating that I can't express it. I want a friend so badly, I want a sweet boyfriend more than anything. But who the hell is going to put up with my mood swings? I want someone to accept me for who I am and stick by me when I go through tough times, but I'm afraid that I'm never going to find that person who understands and is dedicated enough to love me unconditionally. It's unfair for me to expect someone to continue being my friend when out of the blue I stop answering their phone calls or don't want to go out and do anything.
And how the hell am I ever going to get through college or get a job? I'm motivated and thriving one minute, then all of a sudden the world seems to drop out from under me and I run from everything. This is what happened in high school, this is what happened to my friendships.
I feel so hopeless right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they'll never desert me, and honestly mean it. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't go on like this forever. Fuck.