The ObServer: Iraq

[Lozi]

Every pace
(within the race of knotholes)
lies a man
in corpse corporal green,
smudged.

His breath,
adept in icy froths
begins to choke on yester-smoke:
the dust of ashen asians/eastern shrouds.

Too long have they fought.
Too long have they jumped
in front of the fronts of range rovers,
meshed in crisscross khaki netting.
Too wide the rivers of blood
seep through the watermained streets
My eyes cry silently in my head
as i watch from a distant me.
Inside. Foreign.
Helplessly the figure i am within
sees the eyes of terrored teens,
as they stand the bullets,
stand their ground.
What lunacy.

[TrippinBTM]

This is a good read about an important topic, good job

One thing, though. I think some punctuation could help set the rhythm and pace a bit better.

[KittenX]

Excellent and touching.

[Rafaela]

lozi.... why is it i love your poems most? this was just brilliant, you have some serious talent. very inspiring to me. keep writing because you make this one girl react. beautiful.

[Lozi]

rafaela-*blush* thanks raf it's nice to have a fan!
kittenx-cheers for reading it:)
trippin-thanks for the critique, i need to explain the poem more i guess: i was trying for a stumbling blind disjointed feel, making it awkward and numblike. did i manage to do that?

[KittenX]

I think so! I had to re-read this again....really really liked.

[sylvanlightning]

Powerful, echoing this observers
sadness at the futility of waging war,
through brute force.

[natural23]

Thank You, Lozi.