you ever feel super anxious?
not anxious like "i really wish this week were over"
but anxious like - this lifetime is taking way too long
anxiety that brings about a realization of a constant shifting in powers that be - ones that maintain your absolute existence and ones that hold your relative baseline in place.
i can see my future playing out in fabulous and horrendous ways, all beginning in the next moment if I were to just simply make action, any action.
then the deadening thought that action would just be inadequate as the end is already in sight and there is something about the moment that should be savored. but you can't savor it because the moment is somehow tainted.
a crushing reality that rolls over only a minute aspect of what you perceive as being what YOU are made of. the future is too distant, but it is also the now. that without action now, the future will not manifest - but because there is some sort of inadequacy felt int the present, no matter what becomes, it won't be as grandiose as i dream of it.
perhaps the anxiety lies within a motion, and that coupled with procrastination and fear of that motion, i am hindered only by my self.
it is easy to say 'just do it' or to imagine that i am the only thing to hold me back - because i say it all the time. what is hard IS the action, and the action, similar to the moment, is unsatisfactory.
while i know lying in static will bring more unhappiness and anxiety for change, i also know setting in motion will draw me away from enjoying my moment.
why should i spite myself now in order for a chance of satisfaction later? what is keeping me from doing what would truly bring me peace of mind and happiness is that outside force compelling me for something more.
every time i come down this road i imagine that the only solution is in death. either way - planning for future or living, somehow inadequately, in the present - my only escape and rest lies in death.
i can only conclude that life under the human condition is a struggle to balance pain and discomfort with happiness until i can release my anxiety in death. it just doesn't seem like a very appealing way to live - or maybe i need to practice better time management.