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Old 02-15-2012, 07:46 AM   Anxiety
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PurpByThePound
hate it or love it
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Anxiety

you ever feel super anxious?

not anxious like "i really wish this week were over"
but anxious like - this lifetime is taking way too long

anxiety that brings about a realization of a constant shifting in powers that be - ones that maintain your absolute existence and ones that hold your relative baseline in place.

i can see my future playing out in fabulous and horrendous ways, all beginning in the next moment if I were to just simply make action, any action.

then the deadening thought that action would just be inadequate as the end is already in sight and there is something about the moment that should be savored. but you can't savor it because the moment is somehow tainted.

a crushing reality that rolls over only a minute aspect of what you perceive as being what YOU are made of. the future is too distant, but it is also the now. that without action now, the future will not manifest - but because there is some sort of inadequacy felt int the present, no matter what becomes, it won't be as grandiose as i dream of it.

perhaps the anxiety lies within a motion, and that coupled with procrastination and fear of that motion, i am hindered only by my self.

it is easy to say 'just do it' or to imagine that i am the only thing to hold me back - because i say it all the time. what is hard IS the action, and the action, similar to the moment, is unsatisfactory.

while i know lying in static will bring more unhappiness and anxiety for change, i also know setting in motion will draw me away from enjoying my moment.

why should i spite myself now in order for a chance of satisfaction later? what is keeping me from doing what would truly bring me peace of mind and happiness is that outside force compelling me for something more.

every time i come down this road i imagine that the only solution is in death. either way - planning for future or living, somehow inadequately, in the present - my only escape and rest lies in death.

i can only conclude that life under the human condition is a struggle to balance pain and discomfort with happiness until i can release my anxiety in death. it just doesn't seem like a very appealing way to live - or maybe i need to practice better time management.

 

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02-15-2012, 12:35 PM Old
 
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stinkfoot  stinkfoot is offline
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Culture programs us to be unhappy. it's very possible to be content even as you decide what direction to take. The powers that be want us to see happiness as an amount of money and a pile of expensive shit. The game is by design time intensive- to keep us occupied and distracted as well as to leave us with little energy to do much else. The punch line is that when one achieves this arbitrary pinnacle of success they find that it does not include being happy and an accumulation of wealth really begins to ring hollow..

As cliche as it sounds, the key to happiness invariably is inside each person. It has nothing to do with a nice car or expensive things. It doesn't even come with status- all that is like a drug- it may well furnish a short term high but when the hollowness of it sinks in the person crashes, A shiny Porsche isn't as cool when no one is around to be impressed by it. it is the thrill of the chase and not the actual acquisition that holds more- the process of becoming someone means way more than actually owning the status.

I don't believe humans are meant to lie in static. Instinctively, the species is likely nomadic. We're supposed to keep moving- we're built for it- physically, digestively (eat anything according to changing habitat, environment), and intellectually. A sedentary culture is a subliminal assault on the spirit. It comes as little surprise that there are so many mental issues and illnesses these days if you think about it. Animals kept in a zoo tend not to do so well. Their captivity prevents them from behaving as they are engineered to do. it is the same with humans. Our lives are little more than a form of captivity- an existence that we were not designed for.

If you are finding it difficult to process life as it is then that's a pretty good indication that your head is screwed on firmly.... and ironically enough reason to be happy. You're not yet entirely consumed by the disease that is western culture.
02-15-2012, 08:52 PM Old
 
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PurpByThePound PurpByThePound is offline
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That last bit seems to resonate. The insane ones are the ones believing themselves to be free of insanity.

The rest of what you said all makes sense, too.

As I wrote this I kept thinking about karmic yoga and finding peace and rhythm in day-to-day life - in doing what is required of me to maintain. But I still get this notion that there has to be more than that - that you can't just be complacent with your position in life. After all that's how the caste system has remained in place in India and places around the world (including America) - that you are poor, untouchable or a peasant and that THAT is your calling in life. Be the best peasant that ever was so that you can support the next higher up. Smells like shit to me.

And I realize that as one climbs the social rankings, different causes of unhappiness will arise as well, which leads me to believe that unhappiness, anxiety and a feeling of being not-whole is a condition of being modern human - third or first world. There are only very few tribes of people (I suspect) left that exist without this sort of negativity permeating through their core.
02-16-2012, 12:31 AM Old
 
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stinkfoot  stinkfoot is offline
truth
Location: nutmeg
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Unhappiness and self loathing are marketing tools but we allow it to happen. You do seem to realize that you have the key and that puts you ahead of most. It has only been within the past couple years that I've actually begun to confront so much of my own toxicity in this area. Climbing social and economic ladders should only be incidental because what one gains from those pursuits ultimately is impermanent. You can't take the stuff with you.

If you have the time and inclination I would suggest picking up a copy of "The Art of Happiness" by H.H. Dalai Lama. I'm no Buddhist but so much of what is written in that book hit home. It may well resonate with you.
02-16-2012, 02:53 AM Old
 
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kill0025 kill0025 is offline
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sane people are capable of insane arithmetic, however our societal norms is definitely something to be free of; regardless if sane or not
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