Well,I blew it this time. I can only describe the result as being pathetic. It has to be agoraphobia. I just can't reason it out any other way. My 1st cousin passed away and all his kids,grand kids,his two deceased brother's kids and grand kids and my cousins widows--just about everyone left on my uncles side of the family gathered at the house in Reno where he resided when he died,for a memorial.
I drove down to Reno,checked into a low rent motel and looked forward to seeing family members,some of which I had not seen since '65 when they were little kids. I started out for the house several times both on Saturday and Sunday--but just couldn't go!! I knew there was to be a few dozen people there and since I am the last living cousin/relative from that generation,they were very excited about me coming.
I never went-I never called and I never answered their calls. I am so ashamed to have acted that way. It seems I am withdrawing more and more from people. I don't know what to do about it or if it even matters. I've never been a rude person in my life-I have tried to be considerate of the feelings of others--but--this one is over the top. I hate to blame this on some "condition"---I'm frankly stumped.
scratcho
Kind of a "condition" I suppose.
So much of what we See and how we Act depends upon our perspective.....course to access that we must become aware of just how and why we react the way we do.....follow the trail within.
Life IS an Adventure everyday....and when it is not - you know we start looking for a Way out of a not necessarily so great situation;
Blessings (lessons learned)
Namaste (my Spirit bows to your Spirit)
Dealing with a loss-even if you weren't extremely close to the person or the family-can cause severe anxiety.
I had the same thing happen with my great aunt who passed away last year-only months after my father. I couldn't face the family. I couldn't deal with the heartache of seeing them.
Someday, your reason will hit you as to why you couldn't bring yourself to go.
Not to mention, facing family you haven't seen in decades is just as hard. Especially under these circumstances.
I am think of you, brother. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive yourself.