Confessions of the Heart
Time for a confession thread.
It really sucks when you care more about someone than you know you need to, or really want to for that matter.
I don't know if it's my teen angst coming out or if it's about the whole "saving the guy" deal but I'm feeling myself caring alot more for this guy in my life than I should.
He was one of my best friends when I was an early teen. The first guy that I legitimately would have done anything to just get a smile out of him. Over the years we grew apart. He fell into drugs and partying hardcore and ended up nearly dead on several occasions. This was why I separated myself from him. I couldn't stand to see someone I cared about going through that.
However, before I moved away, he and I got back into contact and caught up with each other. There was some irresponsible "physical action" on both our parts on one occasion which he and I don't ever talk about anymore because it would have never happened if we weren't both drunk and I can honestly say that I've gotten over him. I'm no longer that psycho obsessed teen and I see that a lot of what I liked about him, I had built up in my mind to be more than what it was.
Now that we've gotten passed all of that and we just keep in contact, he has started talking to me about some of his emotional burdens and things that he's going through. And I'm finding myself feeling very emotionally pulled towards him. I care but he is my friend, but I also feel like I care a little too much. He tends to put himself in mindsets where he pushes himself far too hard. Especially when he's lonely and bored and feels he needs to reach a certain goal. First it was drugs...and now working out. He's having to go to the hospital now because of pushing himself to the point of passing out. Then when he takes a break and needs to let loose, he goes out for a drink and overdoes it again.
He tells me this is because he misses his ex. And I find myself feeling upset about it. Not because of jealousy, but because of my not wanting him to back track and go back to the unhealthy relationship he was in before. I continue to encourage him to move forward, but his constantly overdoing things worries me. It makes me so sad to see him so emotionally unstable. But who am I to judge?
After 2 1/2 years of the same relationship, the girl still never told him she loved him.
He is a recovered drug addict.
His mom is dying from cancer (this is pretty much guaranteed at this point) and continues to get worse every day.
He's struggled with his image since we were kids (due to an extreme lazy eye after a terrible ear infection when he was young)
Only recently he found out that he has a 3 year old daughter. She fuels him and he constantly tells me how she is his reason for everything he does in his life now and the mother will hardly let him see her.
So it hurts me to see him hurting so. He's lonely and still searching for himself in certain ways. And it seems like every time we talk about it, I keep telling him that he will meet her one day. He's far too great of a guy not to. That he needs someone he can relate to...someone that respects him...someone that will treat his daughter like hers but not try to BE Mom.
All the while I can feel the energy of the conversation. I know that he's aware that I fit this. I can feel him thinking this but he's aware of the situation and he would never intentionally interfere. And I'm sure that these thoughts don't help at all.
And I should not be having them. I shouldn't care so much, but I do. So here I sit...glass of wine and a cigarette. Because it's the only thing that can drown out these thoughts.
Listening to: The Temper Trap