It seems that my life is slowing down. The rush of my happy youth, once seeming endless, has trickled, and here I'm left holding the bag for my indiscretions. How was I to know? Fuck you Past-Me. Fuck you for not listening to your parents, for exploring, for thinking you could figure things out... fuck your ignorant joy. Here's what you got for it; a big fat heap of pain and a nine-to-five. The irony is almost hilarious. The ultimate slapstick comedy. I would agree if I wasn't still stuck in it.

I want to be on the first subway out of here. I want to be standing at the window waving blissfully as this loud, blocky place fades into the distance. I want to find a warm, sunny place in my past, where the music always plays. Where my mom and my sister wander about our beautifully disorganized little house. Where the coffee is right there in the morning, and the conversations are comforting and pointless. How I ache for that life once more. I truly think I would do anything for it.

But here I am. Just another animal in a writhing pit of animals. I cook my food and I shit in a toilet and I clean myself with fine-smelling soaps to cover up this fact - and yet it remains. My consciousness is all I have to go on, and I detest it. Nobody else needs MY consciousness to live, why the fuck should I have to put up with it? Oh sure, maybe other people have a consciousness, and maybe not. The belief that any other human, animal or object is "conscious" has the same odds as the existence of God. 50/50. All I know for sure is I'm stuck with this eternally open eyeball in my head, and things just keep poking at it.

And they'll never stop. Think about it. How does one know lack of consciousness? Through consciousness. You can't tell you've gone to sleep until after you wake up. Now that I've existed, I will always exist and I have always existed. Is that a paradox? Oh well.

I think paradoxes only exist due to incomplete or overly specific definitions. Like a riddle. "How far can you go into a forest?" "Halfway, then you're going out of it." Or like that race paradox... how can you ever catch up with someone if you're racing? First you need to go half the distance between you, then half the remaining distance and so on and so on ad infinitum, and it seems impossible to catch up. However one doesn't account for the fact that "catching up" may not be the eventual goal. Science doesn't seem to operate in the real world, which I think is its whole problem.

Take numbers, for example. All of number theory exists solely in a controlled environment, simply because 0 'exists.' In the real world, you can never acheive 0 because it's only implied by the existence of 1. You have 5 oranges and you take 5 away, how many oranges do you have? 5, for fuck's sake. What if you eat one? It still exists... just in a different form, in your stomach.

However, most people are never going to accept something like that because it states quite clearly that the answer to every equation is "everything." It's ambiguous and far too inspecific. It doesn't really EXPLAIN anything. What's the point of it then? I have no clue. It's just there. Just like humanity. :P

You know, time and time again I've determined that the reason we exist is to exist. And yet it's never satisfied me. It's like the only equation we have is "1=?" and yet "?=1" has never been acceptable. Everyone says it's ridiculous. How can 1 equal 1, for chrissakes?! There must be a variable missing here. Or several variables. Or several hundred variables. It's way too simple. Our overly complicated brains must be good for something!

And I guess they have been, in a sense. We have computers now! And cars! And factories and televisions and musical instruments and iPods! We have jobs and schools and celebrities and guns! Advertising, woot woot!

But it's just like a piece of string that goes on forever. We can roll it, try to tie knots in it, make it look like a ridiculously confusing, impossibly abstract creation. We can make art out of it, or try to find the end of it. But it remains, irrevocably, a single ENDLESS string... and if you pull that motherfucker hard and long (lol) enough I suppose maybe you'll figure it out for yourself.

So now here I am, equipped with the latest in Mind Technology. I am an I. I've been beamed down here into this body from where-the-fuck-ever. I don't really know what to do, because the things I want to do don't seem possible. I guess I'll keep trying for a while though... until things get unbearable.

Good luck to everyone out there. We're all in this together... literally or metaphorically