I don't know how some people can remain positive and hopefull ALL the time. I've tried many routes. I've been positive when others have been negative. I've cheered them up. Now when I look at my life it's going through a downward spiral. I'm unhappy. I'm losing my hope for myself and I don't see much hope in mankind. We are ignorant towards each other and what needs to be done. We blame people to remove the blame from ourselves. Then we blame ourselves to remove the blame from other people. People are confused and I am among them. Steps to happiness hasn't worked, therapy hasn't worked, medication hasn't worked. A period of time when things go okay and then multiple days and weeks attack you all at once leaving you completely drained. I am drained. We keep encouraging others to continue on- but I keep wondering for what purpose? What gain will I get from your encouragement? What gain will you get?

Sadness and attachment, anger and lust. Let's hide behind our addictions so we don't have to look at each other and admit we're all fucking stupid. We all get shit for our opinions and even fight to cling to them even when we are wrong for them. I am sad, I am attached to a world that has no real firm belief in much of anything besides it's own destruction. I am angry at myself and at everyone. I lust for better days for me and for all. I've always been a peaceful person, but no, I get attacked by some evil to screw up my life into a violent act that I would condemn someone else for doing but now I understand perfectly why I shouldn't have and understand why others continually do so. We hide behind things that make us afraid "I could never do that". Fuck you, you will. Dreams of evil, facing satan and telling him "fuck you". Waking up in the night with a scream and goosebumps. It exists, it did for me. I don't forget, it's my curse or my gift, I'll never know.

I hate people, I love people. I need people. People don't need me. I hate people for their angry and violent ways and in turn I hate myself cause I'm a part of it all. I love people, they can be so kind and giving...but I hate it only when it's convenient for them. I need people to need me. Need need need, need turns into greed so I become un-needed cause and 'cause I can't conform to ways that are insane.

Cheer up, don't be so hard on yourself I have heard throughout my life and others lives. Family, friends, neighbors, managers, co-workers. Yet they get hard on themselves equally so. I've talked to many about their feelings. I've been a listener. I've been the guy outcasted. I've been the guy popular. I've been the guy at parties just sitting there watching everyone. The fool and the foolish. The dumb and the intelligent. First appearances set the course of mindset for a person and yet there is no clue behind the mindset of the actual person's feelings and whom they are. There intentions, there wants and desires. Wishes, fantasies. We act, we put a facade about us, a mask to the world of whom we are. For what purpose I wonder quite frequently though I already know my own answer. A perpetual state of denial. Why are we really here in this land of confusion? Why-why-why?? Why ask why? Live and let live, words upon words we tell each other and words that we can't take our own advice on. Hypocritical b.s. Down, up, down and up, west, east, turn around, drive through the streets wondering where to go. Where is my calling? Look down at your hands and wonder wtf? What am I doing?

What am I doing, what are you doing? Why am I reading this? Why are you reading this? Try to find an answer, any answer that works, makes sense, to keep breathing, to know I'm not alone in this messed up existance. What if I'm already dead and dying is the out into life? Life can't be had without death. Death can't be had without life. Do I tell these things in person? What will they think of me if I do? "you're strange, that's messed up, you need help" - don't we all? Then the flip side of "that's deep, you should write that down, you're intelligent, you're sweet for feeling that way, if you need help let me know, you can trust me- share anything with me" - words are so easily said. I'm waiting for proof. A person to stand out among the rest to be a real hero. A hero of the day, of life. Do I call that person Jesus or should I call that person a wife? At least a wife I can see in the flesh and know does without a doubt exist...if I even exist.

Does the tree make a sound in the forest if no one is around? - If I cry out in pain in my mind for help does anyone hear it? I hear God is supposed to. Keyword is "supposed". I've been spiritual, I now know that I'll never know God's intentions but I can be angry at that entity all I want for the misery that's been created for myself and the rest of mankind. God is love? Riiiight, we are God's creation and we are unloving unless it's convenient. That sounds like God's counterpart. There's too many out there that are the opposite of what is stood for.

Human is from the root word humane, are we really all that humane? Take the mask off and take a good look around. What answer do you come up with? I've been asked myself, and I have told it myself. Some agree, some do not. And hopefully by the end of it I've reached the end of the downward spiral, pick myself up, and leave all this behind for the next adventure that is in calling.