shanialovestheearth's Blog

The first time we met I was a mere 14 years old. Wow, did I think I was the shit back then. It was freshman year of High School. Funny enough, he didnt call me by my real name for 6 months. I had the nickname "freshman" cause he was a senior and he had dominance over me. We all drank up the rum, smoked all the weed and ate all the cereal wherever we went. He would snort Xanax in front of me and always refused to let me try. Then he vanished one day, it was like he never existed. It was like that for a while, I dont remember how long. The next time I saw him, he didnt even look the same. His face was sunken in, he had dark circles. He was shaking and just needed a cigarette. We walked and talked for about 2 hours that night. We sat behind the Family Dollar and smoked all my cigarettes. He didnt think I knew what was going on. He didnt think I was smart enough to tell he had gotten into heroin, as if I'd never saw the signs before. As if I was still that little freshman. After that day, I really did feel connected to him. I felt like I needed to be the person he needed in life. So, of course I became that person. I remember being at his house and finding burnt spoons under the coffee table. He didn't hide them very well I must say. I still stayed though. He had become my best friend in the period of 5 months and i wasn't going to let him fall deeper. I should have known what I was getting in to. Talking every day, hanging out, it all turned into so much more than I thought. I fell in love with him, much sooner than expected. WHY did I tell him? WHY did he feel the same way? WHY did I say yes to being his girlfriend? Because I just knew deep down I was what he needed to get better. I worried every day if he was going to shoot up for the last time, or take his last hit of meth. If he would be gone forever... I cried countless times over him not changing like he had promised, over and over and over. But I was still there. God knows how jealous and angry I got over him wanting to hang out with his "friends". The people he got high with, the people who wouldnt even call the cops when he over dosed. Why did he want them more than me? I didn't understand at the time. I do now. He is getting help now. No more meth, heroin, weed or pills. BUT every time he gets drunk he tells me how much he loves me. How he misses our intimate moments, how he wants to see me fall asleep at night and just be with me. Should I believe him? After him telling me how he doesnt look at me that way? Or after lying to me about so many things? It's been almost 3 years, he's the only guy I can see myself with. He's the only guy I talk to. I love him with my entire heart even if its hard to trust him. I really think he might be my soulmate. He's got a vibe like no other. He has said I'm the reason he's alive.. He just means so much to me. Advice..please..anyone. ​