More.

I'm very upset now and there are a lot of things whizzing thru my mind. But I'll try to get to all of them. There are about three or four things. My neighbor friend just told me that I alienated Eric and made him abandon me by saying he should be put in jail in a public forum. (Actually strange as it sounds I am still stuck on the idea what I post on my computer might be intercepted anyways. It did happen in Spring 1989. I made a call to the suicide hotline and my call sounded like was definitely rerouted. Well it did.) But, it seems to me if Eric really cared that wouldn't be enough reason for him to leave me. Plus this all started with my doctors warning me a couple of years ago that Eric was my secret legal guardian and was misusing his power over me. To be blunt I am the real victim here, aren't I? I am a good person and I have rarely ever hurt anyone in my life with my words. But when I have it was usually because I lack social skills. For one thing I am too rational and tend to be calculating in my approach to human interaction, maybe not honestly even seeing at the time who I am hurting or how I may be hurting them. But it just seems to me that I am the real victim in all of this and that if Eric really cared he wouldn't leave me for any reason. Plus he's family. Blood is thicker than water as they say. I am just confused by how any of this could be my fault. And really a lot of the problem is, strange as it sounds, I really don't even know everything that is going on. My doctors are all obviously coerced back into silence. So I guess I won't be getting anymore information from them in any event.

The main reason why Eric must stay is because I need his money. There just isn't enough in the trust. And the main thing that comes to mind with that is my car. I realized around 2004 when I had to think about it that my car is vital to everything. Everything hinges on it. My safety now for the reasons I have given, my independence, my medical consent, my health. And I don't think there is enough in the trust to pay for a new one. Especially not one with hand pedals or other special features I may need some day. I was talking to my financial advisor yesterday and he said that there is enough money in the trust for a car. But I don't know. I seem to recall when I bought this last one about 10 years ago the lady who used to help me out said that Eric alone was paying for the car. She even made a slight joke of it I remember, for some reason. Because my understanding is the cheapest place I could go would be a place like a group home. And from my recent stay at Sinai-Grace hospital I know, I'd be horribly neglected there. I have many needs now. Some related to mobility issues brought on by years of damage done to me (while it was kept hidden) by that horrible Olanzapine. And I have many needs related to my Cerebral Palsy, which like I said should have been obvious by my physical symptons since birth. I am very weak physically. Weak and vulnerable and I could never defend myself in a fight. And at my recent stay at Sinai-Grace hospital almost all my room mates threatened me. So in conclusion, it is vital I always have a car and a home.

I'm also confused who to believe and how to tell when someone is lying. I have to work with the people in my life including my doctors, I have no choice. But they seem to be sworn to secrecy again. Although some of them hint that they are obviously lying when they say everything is fine with me and no further damage is being done. One example of this is my Type II Diabetes. My pharmacist told me a year or two ago Type II Diabetes is a lifelong illness, there is no way to overcome it. But now my doctors all tell me that it's gone, which as I said I was told was impossible ("who are you going to trust, your doctors or your pharmacist?" my one doctor said). But on the other hand, most of my problems were caused by my dangerously high doses of Olanzapine (which I am back on, as I said). And a nurse at Sinai-Grace hospital told me my 2.5 mg of Olanzapine was just a "baby dose" (even though, not to digress, my pharmacist said any dose of Olanzapine can be harmful ["it's the nature of the" medicine he said]). So maybe I am completely over my Type II Diabetes. I just don't know and have no way of knowing. Of course what is established is that I had neuropathy in my hands and feet long before my doctors warned me. Around the time I had hair loss on my legs, which was quite a while ago. I think at least 15 years ago. And while all this horrible damage was going on they were telling me I was the picture of health, which is even more troubling. Anyways, I'll just conclude on the note that that other doctor apparently wanted me to tell the public that I am suffering from kidney failure. Which is another new and very disturbing turn in all of this.

But I wanted to say in conclusion the strangest thing in all of this is my Cerebral Palsy. I know that doctor told me in 2011 I showed the signs of it on his EEG. From "birth trauma" he said. Now my doctors are in denial about that. What is that even all about? It doesn't make sense. Why would a diagnosis like that be in question? I know I have had the obvious signs of it all my life. From the way I walked. To my many bowel and bladder issues. And many other things. I am a big complainer and I was telling people all these symptoms since I could talk. And people were obviously observing thing. Someone must have seen something. I still can't figure what that last one is even about. I have many of the pieces to the puzzle of my life. But that is a puzzle in itself. And that is the only piece I have to it. That I have had the obvious signs of Cerebral Palsy all my life and my doctors are sworn to secrecy about it for some reason.

I also wanted to say in conclusion to that, if all Eric wants is for me to apologize to him in some public forum I'd be glad to. And I would also add to that my main concern is the money issue. I guess I really don't know what would be the best course here. What I need is some good advice from someone I can trust. But there is no such person in my life now.

EDIT: I was just talking to a man at my financial consulting firm. He said in his opinion Eric always did right by me. So I guess I could issue a public apology to Eric online. There are still a couple of things that need to be addressed. One is the secrecy surrounding my having a guardian. It doesn't make any sense and I still want to remove that. I agree I need a guardian. As I've said many times I have always agreed I needed help. Long before 1997 when the trust was drawn up. And I have always been approachable and reasonable. All Wayne County court ever had to do was to talk to me directly. Removing the secrecy will still be my top priority whatever the outcome of this. That ironically is the main problem here. There is so much secrecy I don't even know what's going on. I need good advice. But to get that I'd have to trust the people in my life. And they have already shown that they knew there was damage being done to me and did nothing. And the damage is real, that's for sure. My feet are numb with other weird symptoms every day. And the symptoms seem to be changing as I said. One doctor told me the damage is permanent, and I know that's no lie. My second priority as I said is to get the status and diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. Something I really should have had a long time ago. That one just makes no sense as I said.

Sorry for so many messages this morning. But my world is collapsing around me, my little beloved kitty is dying and I am very upset now. (Plus I don't know if I should say this. But what I really need now is a drink. Maybe just one.) But I was going to say, and I am going to wax philosophical for a minute now. Lying is never justified. Even a utilitarian would agree. Because utilitarians believe that even an evil motive can a have a good outcome. And here is where I am going to wax philosophical. Take Fordism. Fordism tells the story of how the very greedy industrialists of the Gilded Age like Ford gave way to the US's unprecedented years of prosperity and having the highest standard of living in the world because the paid their workers higher wages. Higher wages, actually at the time the highest in the world. And it all funneled back to them in the form of profits. But even a utilitarian would say that lying, whatever its motive or result, never is justified. I think the only example they give where it would is where you are about to be eaten by cannibals. And you tell them that an eclipse of the Sun they see is their god telling them they should let you go. What I am getting to is that I will never go along with this lie that I don't have a legal guardian. Eric, or someone else if he is replaced. (And you're not fooling me. Even if Eric leaves the next conservator will just be my legal guardian again.) It is a horrible lie. And it has hurt me in the past with the damage that Olanzapine did to my body. And I did nothing to deserve it. I am a good person and there is no need for deceit with me, there never was. I will still fight the lie the rest of my life if that's what I have to do. I'll stop criticizing Eric if that's required. But I won't stop doing the other thing, fighting that lie and fighting to get back my full rights as citizen. And I don't even want to know what harm it will do to me in the future. I'm not ever going to a group home. You'll just never get me in the front door as I said. And there is a lot I can accomplish with that with just passive resistance if someone is still planning that. Remember that. People have underestimated me in the past. But even if some day it's unavoidable I end up in a home for people with dementia, say, it will still hurt me horribly if there is still deceit and lying in my life. They'll be still giving me that Olanzapine I never should have taken to begin with. And they'll be forcing me to take it, or slipping it in my food like did at the old age home my grandfather went to in 1989. It's frightening and it's very wrong. I'd rather spend the limited time Wayne County Probate Court left me enjoying the simple existence I like doing things I like taking a walk in the park or with my recent renewed interest in cooking. But if I have to spend it instead fighting this horrible injustice then I will. Don't count me out.

But I have reached out to other people just now, including Eric. And I will also be listening to what advice people have to give me. Listen to their advice and trust it, since I have no other choice. I have to work with the people in my life.