Father issues

Well, going to the sex question. Being the father of a 15 year old boy does wonders for ones nerves. Every time he goes out with a girl, I'm pacing the house, trying to keep busy, hoping he comes back with a nice tale of scrabble. Why couldn't he have fallen for the chick who hangs out in the library and has never cussed, etc... Nope already attracted to wild spirits and nothing I can do about it. We've had extensive talks on intimacy, respect, and he reflects that so I'm not worried about him being an asshole but it still drives me nuts. Still a virgin, but from the looks of things, it ain't lasting till he's in his 20's, let alone by the time he gets out of high school. I just hope, cross fingers, that he does the right thing, protects himself, and has a good first experience in mutual respect and love. I'd hate to see him have to walk in the shoes I did, young and dumb with a baby on the way, or as mentioned, with a lingering death sentence in his blood.

 

I have an awful relationship w\ my father, good luck to all those of you who didn't or are trying not th screw it up

 

Because that would be living in a Fantsy World. We, as Father's can't afford to do that. We were that age once ourselves. We know what's going through our childrens heads. The BEST thing we can do, is teach them the way things REALLY are, and hope they listen. And thereby prevent OUR kid from getting STD's, or getting pregnant. Or worse case, HIV. OUR job, is to protect them as LONG as we can. Even from themselves.
It's only when they get older, and wiser, they become attracted to the girl at the Library, or the Nurse's Aide.

 

We can help you change that! That is what THIS thread is about. No Mother's in here. This is the MALE point of view. After all. MEN are parent's and Children too!
I hope we can help you make things right with your Dad.

 

Hi everyone,

I'm fairly new here, sooo many forums, but this is one I can definately use. Anyhow, I'm a single dad of a seven year old girl (who lives with her mom.) I am on the every-other-weekend-and-one dinner-every-other-week-plan.

My daughter has no brothers and sisters. Her mother has her attending a school where independence is ~not~ stressed. For example, the only school pic I could get was one of her entire class. Individual pics were not made available. I really don't like how this entire school insulates the children from reality... Think of the PC school Bart Simpson had to go to, and playing musical chairs where "everyone is a winner."

Bah... so much history to get to my predicament... I will provide more background information if asked...

Anyhow, over the past year now, I've noticed my daughter not being able to deal with competing with other children; say in a party environment, where the kids smack a pinata and scramble after candy, or going hunting for easter eggs. When the time comes, she doesn't dive in, she starts to cry about how she didn't get candy. Of course, another parent will jump right in to make sure she "equalled up." This is NOT what I want, I don't do it, but it's hard to explain to the person who genuinely wants to help a poor crying kid, especially in the middle of the situation.

I try to explain to her that she has to go for it, that she has to try in order to succeed. It doesn't really seem to help, and she gets very depressed.

She gets along fine with my girlfriends kids, though she does not assert herself, preferring to let an adult hadle her problems for her. I admit I'm duped into it a lot of times and I'm not even aware of it.

Anyhow, other dads, how can I encourage my daughter to be more assertive when it comes to other kids, and social situations?

jon

 

I'd LIKE to agree with you. But I can't. Even a "Part Time" parent can make a difference in a child's life. The child see's his/her own roll model in one or the other parent. And ONLY the child can decide which one it wants to be like.
If DADDY doesn't have Hatred, and the child favors Daddy over Mum? The child won't have hatred either. Who can say which the child will choose? All we CAN do, is teach them as best we can.

 

I was being slightly sarcastic when I wrote that bit in the post. The part I left out of the post was " Just like his Dad at that age", mostly because that often comes off as the male ego rather than an observation, but it's true and I agree with you. I do my best to not create illusions about sex and it's possible outcomes.

Too true that there is no quick fix, but some of us have our hands tied when it comes to being around our children daily. It's just not going to happen. This is a sore spot, because I know full well that if my son could live with me, his outlook would change. I know this because the few times he has spent a week or more, his whole demeanor changed and I started to see him shine. Everytime he goes back it breaks my heart because I know we'll start over again the next time. Over time, small steps, things have changed though as a result of pouring every bit of my being into our relationship.

Jon, I can relate. I want to talk to my buddy though that has a daughter who was describing almost the same thing. Maybe I can convince him to show up here because he and his daughter got past it somehow.

 

Cooldaddy, That's what I started this thread FOR.
So us older fella's could help the younger guys be Dad's and not just Fathers.
Men have things we need to learn to deal with just like Moms do.
In your case, It's having no decision in who your kids become.
That's the HARDEST thing any of us will face.

 

Thank you cooldaddy and Matt for understanding...

Indeed, my hands are somewhat tied here. My ex lives in the same neighborhood as me, but unfortunately makes sure I only see my daughter as much as our agreement says.

I have to clarify what I meant in my original post... My daughter is definately not shy... in fact shes very outgoing.

I think that her problem is with physical competition, where there is bumping and jostling... My gf suggested that, when we take her to her friends party where there are activities like pinata etc, maybe taking her aside and explaining to her the rules of the game... maybe that will help her understand why the other kids are pushing and shoving....

jon

 

That's just part of the School Of Life! We all went through that. Dad's? Did you play "Pop-Warner"? Or maybe JV? Where do ya think WE learned to compete like that?
Shoving others out of the way so WE could get the candy for one. Or better still. To teach NEW dad's something. From competing with a brother or sister for a Parent's LOVE. My point here? DO NOT choose FAVORITES!

 

I know what you're saying! When my own DAD passed, my youngest sister's husband took over where he left off. I'm the person I am today because of my Bro-In-Law.
He gave a damned MORE that my own blood does.

 

I'm going to change the subject now.
I have just joined the "Amber Alert" network. You can too if you like.
I now have on MY website, the Amber Alert banner. It scrolls any active "Amber Alert".
Let's bring these kids HOME SAFE!
Just add this code to ANY html or php page.

Code:

<!-- Begin Code Amber Ticker code. -->
<P ALIGN=CENTER>
<SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript1.2" src="http://www.codeamber.org/js/codea.js">
</script>
</P>
<!-- end of Code Amber Ticker code (c)Copyright codeamber.org 2002, 2003, 2004-->

 

Cooldaddy,
I Just Read Your Story And Just Wanted To Tell You That You Sound Like A Wonderful Man And Father. Being A Woman Myself...i Know How Bitchy We Can Be, But We Shouldn't Hurt Our Children Or Put Them In The Middle Of Any Situaion That Is Not Their Fault. A Child Not Only Deserves But Has A Right To Have Both Parents In Their Lives, It's Very Sad What Your Son Is Going Through. I Feel For You Both. I Don't Know Alot Of Men Who Would Make Such Sacrifices For Their Child, And That's Crazy, Because....how Do I Put This??? It's Such A Blessing To Have A Child To Begin With, I've Never Felt That Anything I Did For My Child Was A Sacrifice, I Never Felt I Was Missing Out On Anything. Making Her Happy, Makes Me Happy. She Is The Reason I Exist, And The Future Of Any Child Should Never Be Determined By Anyone Other Than The Childs Parents, And It's Not Fair That A Child Has To Miss Out On All The Love And Joy He Or She Deserves From His Or Her Parents, Especially When It Is Being Denied By A Parent, Ya Know What I'm Trying To Say? Anyway, I Just Wanted To Tell You That You Are A Good Man And A Good Father And Your Son Is Lucky To Have You. It's A Shame That His Mother Is Depriving Him Of Such An Important Relationship. She's Being Very Selfish, And One Day, When Your Son Is Old Enough To Say What He Wants, I'm Sure She Will Be Very Regretful That She Denied Him Of Something So Important As A Relationship With His Dad. Good Luck And Take Care.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, Suzy. We guys need all we can get!

 

Wow, Thank you and I'm humbled. (blushing). I've thought alot about later in life too. Sometimes it takes alot not to go on a tyrade about it in front of my son but I know that wouldn't be good. He's a good hearted kid and he does love his mom even though he knows what's up. So, I encourage that, maybe one day they'll work it out. Right now he talks alot about how he can move out when he's 18 and then he can be free, so I'm sure it's going to be stormy when the time comes. When it does come too I'm staying out of it except to help him find a place or go to college, or even travel around. I'm supportive but really that's going to be between him and mom and they have to settle those demons between them. I honestly hope they do and he doesn't have to lug that around with him wherever he goes.

I don't see any of this as a sacrifice either. He's really the light of my life. Without him in it, it really means nothing, so sacrifice isn't the word, more like just the thing to do to bring us both happiness and peace.

Good news though, he's quit acting out and has gotten into acting and really really likes it. His whole demeanor has changed for the positive. I can't really put it into words but it's like a big relief, great joy, a huge thank you to the universe to see this change going on. Ha ha I wanted to go up and give his drama teacher a great big hug (but didn't, figured it would freak her out) but kept shaking her hand and thanking her and telling her anything she needs, any help at all just call me. She was telling me how brilliant he is and how glad she is to have him and he's complimenting her and saying she's an awesome teacher and wow, what a difference.

 

Cooldaddy, it seems like you've found a way to "Spark" his interest. If you're careful, it'll become an interest in LEARNING. New things everyday. He'll THANK you for this one day!

 

Thread movement accomplished! I will leave a "redirect" in Parenting, so people can follow it.

Carry on, Papas!

 

Nah! This is a semi EASY problem to solve for me. She's 13 you say? She is at an age where you can trust HER judgement. Just keep talking TO her, and not DOWN to her. She'll listen.

 

If you're worried about Abduction and shit like that, You, and your kids get involved in the "Amber Alert" system. Follow it, and help out if possible. You'll ALL learn GOOD things.

 

This is EXACTLY what my uncle is going through. My aunt is making it extremely difficult for him to see his kids. The only way he can see them is in the presence of a doctor (like a psychologist or psychiatrist or something). My uncle's been depressed about the whole situation, and eventhough he wants to see his kids he doesn't feel like he should have to go through all the bullshit my aunt wants him to do. I don't know if he should just swallow his pride and see his kids with a doctor there, or if he is right in not going through all the shit my aunt wants to put him through to see them.

My ex-aunt doesn't want my mom or my other aunts and uncles to see the kids either. She says that she would be uncomfortable if my mom took them out to lunch or anything like that. I saw one of my cousins the other day at the library, I hadn't seen him in about a year. I tried to strike up a conversation with him, but it was like we were strangers. It just about broke my heart. I used to LOVE being with my cousins and now I never see or hear from them anymore. It's a damn shame.