Something I've Always Hidden

In my past I was an Addict. This is something that I honestly hated about myself and punished myself about it for the longest time. I felt weak inside and hated what I saw anytime I looked into the mirror. Remember sitting on my friend's bed and being so out of my mind that I had no idea what was going on anymore. I slept so much and anytime I was awake I was looking for my next fix. Sometimes it took so long for me to get my hands on anything and I was desperate, lonely and numb inside. Even the guy I was dating at the time was so out of it. I loved him so much and in the end he overdosed. This is something I blamed myself for and beat myself up almost every single day. He was my friend and became my lover. As soon as we tried drugs, our lives were history. Remember waking up in the middle of the night and crying in the shower. As he heard me, I remember him hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be okay. Nothing was okay. How can everything be okay???? My life was a waste. I lost my job in the end. So many of my friends won't talk to me that much anymore or look at me. There's only a select few who forgive me and my family knew I was changing. Anytime they brought it up. I'd lie. Lie again and lie some more. Pretty soon my lies were so out of it, that everyone was onto me and confronted me for my behavior. As I look back and try to remember the days, everything is a blur. Things still come to me in pieces and I'm still trying to put the pieces all together. This isn't something I plan to tell my grandkids about or nephews or nieces. This certainly won't be something I tell my true friends about either.

Everyone has secrets. Everyone has done something that they're not proud of. If I ever to bring this up to anyone..like a friend for example I'd have to trust them a lot. I brought this up because it's something that's been been on my mind for so long lately and I'm tired of this haunting me. The withdrawal was horrible. I don't even want to utter the words of the drugs I did or what I was addicted too. I'm afraid the minute I mention it, I'll just start craving it again. People can judge me. People can say what they want about me. I'm aware of people judging others or having something smart to say. The important thing is that I'm still alive. My boyfriend who I was dating at the the is now dead and I've actually had people come up to me say to me, "Yeah he's burning in hell right now." They'd so many horrible things to my face and make fun of him. Anytime they did this, I so desperately wanted to shout at them and cuss them out. I walked away in the end though. I'm tired of fighting with people. I'm so mentally drained. Now I just want to focus on my future. Again this is something I'm proud of at all. I'm disgusted with myself almost. I wish I never tried the drugs I did but I can't change that, can I? At the time I was so addicted to it that I couldn't even think straight. All I remember is me sitting on the couch or on the bed and being totally out of it. All because I was abused as a child by my father and wanted to escape, I wanted to numb myself so much that I didn't want to feel anything anymore. I just wanted to close my eyes and forget everything. Being sexually abused messed me up. Now I'm in therapy for all the abuse that I went through and trying to make the best of my life. It's not perfect. In fact it's far from being perfect, but that's okay. The main thing is that I'm alive and I'm trying. I'll always remember him though. He was a great boyfriend and I haven't talked about him or mentioned him for so long. I'm seriously glad to get this off of my chest. I'm tired of hiding this.

 

Awwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhh....I am so sad and sorry that your boyfriend died....

That is all I feel....sadness...no judgements on you or him.....

 

That is so true Moonglow.

We should never judge others - we all make mistakes in life, and there for the grace of God.....

The important thing is that the OP has been able to tell her story, to almost unburden herself, and this is part of the healing process.

Good for you PLF - very proud of you....

 

I'm so proud of you, now it's time for you to love yourself!
We all have pasts! I don't think I know anyone that doesn't have some regret!
It's in the past, look, at how far you have come, what you have achieved since!
Love yourself, you deserve it.. you did it, you changed your life, you moved on! The people who are horrible to you, haven't, pity them..But love you

Peaceful lotus flower.. Beautiful name..hugsx

 

I don't know personally what u went through, but I do have an older brother that went through the same thing for a long time. It was very hurtful to see some of my family turn their backs on him, and my heart ached so much for him. We were close growing up and to see him like that...ugh. I was no perfect angel, I tried my fair share of drugs, but I never tried the hard ones for that reason. im so happy to say he has cleaned himself up, which couldn't have been easy, he's been going through it for years. Now he's with this awesome chick and they're expecting in March.
No one has the right to judge and it pisses me off so much when they do. No one knows what or why you did what u did. It couldn't have been easy going thru that and huge hugs for u for making it out. And u really have to know that u are the bigger person to walk away from others that r being dicks. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do that. Know that you're a beautiful person.

 

Thank you for all your kind words. I've been going to therapy for my healing process because I've been a victim of being sexually abused by my father and I was abused by one of my ex boyfriends. I no longer want to date people like that anymore. I want to be respected and appreciated. It took me a long time to get where I'm at right now. Inside I feel a little bit stronger each day. There's times where I cry when I think of my past and then there's days where I'm feeling completely happy. So many people tell me, "Just get over your past." It's so easy to say when they haven't been through it themselves. I'll tell you one thing, I do feel a lot peaceful than I did a few years ago. Lost interest in hobbies, tv shows, anime that I used to watch, movies, music, you name it, I lost interest in it. Everything was clouded and I didn't know who I was anymore. All I felt was numbness and I didn't care about myself. I had so much anger inside. Deeply depressed and I thought of killing myself on many occasions. So I thought the easy way out was to do drug because I no longer wanted to feel anything anymore. Every single day I was crying on my bed and I felt so alone. Once I smoked too many pills off of tin foil and I wasn't thinking. At the time I was sitting on the back porch with him and I got up and I felt sick to my stomach. My body was sweating and I felt like I was going to throw up. In his backyard I was throwing up and after I threw up I started sobbing and he came up and hugged me and I remember sobbing saying, "I no longer want to die!" He washed the vomit off his back porch with the hose as he was smoking a cigarette. As he turned around and looked at me, I saw tears going down his face. He looked so damn sad and miserable and I could see the track marks up his arm. So many times I wish I could have begged him to get clean but it was his choice and I know I have no control over the path he took. For so long I blamed myself for his overdose and punished myself. I'm so tired of punishing myself.