Mom's Staying With Us And Driving Us Crazy... Any Advise Would Be Appreciated!

Discussion in 'All in the Family' started by kozmicblues88, Dec 30, 2016.

  1. kozmicblues88

    kozmicblues88 Members

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    Hello,

    I'm fairly new to the forums here but I know there's a lot of really groovy people here. This has been... quite the year... and I'm looking for any advise/input I can get.

    My dad passed away in August, 10 days before my wedding. My mom had absolutely nobody to help her with any of the arrangements or anything. I'm basically all she has left. She's 62, disabled, and doesn't take very good care of herself. She smokes, even though she has COPD, congestive heart failure, and a laundry list of other conditions that she takes a ridiculous amount of medication for. She has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but her behavior seems to be more reflective of Borderline Personality Disorder. I doubt she is honest with her doctors so it's hard to tell...

    Anyway, given the circumstances, of course my new husband was ok with her living with us until she could get on her feet...

    Here we are, almost 5 months later, and she's now sleeping in the living room instead of the bedroom we set up for her because it's "too cold" in there. We moved her from down south up to New England with us. She complains a lot, and she is just plain rude sometimes. She's a handful, to say the least. I have to practically force her to eat and bathe, yet she refuses to go to a nursing home because "that's where people go to die".

    She made plans to go back down south and stay with her brother, but the person he was staying with backed out so now she has nowhere to go when she gets down there. The way my husband sees it, it's her fault she pushed everyone away, and since nobody else will take her in, why should I feel guilty? But despite how frustrating she can be, she's the reason I'm alive and I love her dearly. I can't do that to her. If nobody else can help her, I feel like I'm obligated. If she were to die and I had abandoned her, I would never ever be able to live with myself. This is just something he doesn't understand because she "treats me like shit, so why should I care?"

    This is ruining my marriage. My husband has Asperger's, so he already has issues dealing with living with people and social situations... and she is a very "in your face" kind of person that would drive anyone nuts, let alone someone like him. I'm afraid if she stays much longer, my marriage will be destroyed.. but I also can't put my 62 year old mother on the streets. It's awfully cozy here between this rock and a hard place...

    My husband is also drinking a lot more lately and is just straight out depressed. He loves me so much, but in any other circumstance he would have been gone a long time ago. I hate what this is doing to the two people I love the most.

    A lot of people say she is being unfair to us and I should just kick her out... but I just can't do that to her. My dad was an alcoholic and she has just been through so much anguish in her life, as have I. I really don't know what to do, but I can't keep up this miserable charade.
     
  2. Pete's Draggin'

    Pete's Draggin' Visitor

    Hi

    I'm sorry to hear that your father died.

    My wife's father died 2 months after our wedding. Her mother has been and lives alone for 17 years. Also smokes and doesn't take care of herself.

    What I'm about to say might offend but it's what I feel.

    My wife is my life. If my entire family including my wife were drowning. In less than a half second, I would save my wife.

    You have to save your husband. You have to find out someway, anyway to find your mother a new residence. Don't get me wrong , I'm all about taking care of loved ones.
    But....if it would be the cost of my marriage to the one I'm going to grow old with. I'd say to my mother, we have to find you a place to live.

    I love my mother and mother in law dearly....but my wife will always come first. No question

    Your husband completes you. You have to choose your husbands well being. It might be the end of a beloved relationship with your mother, sometimes all things come to an end.

    That's just how I feel if I were in your shoes....I would have no regrets, even if my beloved mother or mother in law died soon after.

    Peace be with you...Koz

    Welcome to a place to heal and discover ones self.
    You'll make the right decision for you.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. Vanilla Gorilla

    Vanilla Gorilla Go Ape

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    The answer involves a leaky gas pipe and some sealant for the windows and doors
     
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  4. morrow

    morrow Visitor

    I think your a selfish couple, and need to stand back, and look at what you say in bits!
    She lost her husband 4 months ago!
    You moved her away from where she knew...Why?
    She arranged your wedding on her own?
    Do you think her behaviour is because she is unhappy?
    Why did you want her living with you?
    You feel obligated!! To care for your mom?
    I think you need to help her go home, the way she chooses to live, is her business! Do you know, she isn't really that old? 62!!!
    How much money did she put into your home?
    How much did she pay for your wedding?
    Give her every penny back..Let her go home!
    That way, you all get what you want!
     
  5. Meliai

    Meliai Banned

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    I guess it depends on the money situation, but if there are funds have you looked into assisted living options rather than a nursing home?

    There are communities where residents can even live in their own apartment and retain a high degree of independence but a nurse is on call 24/7 if they need them.

    But these communities are very expensive so definitely not an option for everyone
     
  6. rollingalong

    rollingalong Banned

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    you misread the op....the widow had no one to help with the funeral and end of life arrangements...other than the woman writing the post[the daughter]



    I have no advice
     
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  7. newo

    newo Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    Dealing with the loss of a loved one can be especially hard for people with mental issues such as bipolar disorder. I suggest getting your mother some professional grief counseling to help her get back on her own two feet so she's not so dependent on you.
     
  8. rollingalong

    rollingalong Banned

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    ffs
     
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  9. pensfan13

    pensfan13 Senior Member

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    My only advice is from what was said about mom. I don't know why anyone should feel responsible if she died. She seems to be doing that all on her own...no matter where she is staying.
     
  10. Pete's Draggin'

    Pete's Draggin' Visitor

    I hope that you've had time to reflect on some ideas about your situation. Any plans or resolutions in this new year with your moms?
     
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  11. kozmicblues88

    kozmicblues88 Members

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    Wow... why don't we look at your judgemental reply in bits...

    Yes, it is sad she lost her partner (not husband, they never would have got married because it would have ended in divorce), but he was an abusive alcoholic and she's better off to be honest. She definitely needs some serious counseling, but I have tried so many times to get her to go, and she just has no interest in any sort of self growth.

    Umm, where did I imply that she helped with the wedding or our home in any way? The arrangements I was referring to were the funeral arrangements, which I had to go down to VA to help HER with. She didn't give us a dime for the wedding.. not even a wedding gift. She's living on $400/month right now, so WE have been supporting HER. She's my mother, of course I'm happy to help her financially, but you completely misunderstood my post. I'm not some money grubbing daughter... quite the opposite. She also didn't help in any other way with the wedding. My mother-in-law did help some with the decorations, but that woman is a saint and I honestly wouldn't mind taking her in, but she would never do that to us. She's already said she's going into Assisted Living. She's preparing for her future. My mom can't afford any sort of Assisted or Independent Living. She quit working when I was very young. I'm now 28.

    She's 62, but her lifestyle has aged her significantly. Her smoking, poor diet, lack of exercise, and inability to handle any amount of stress have made her physically, and mentally, more like someone in their... maybe late 70s.

    This isn't just because she's grieving. She has always behaved this way. She's just a really, really hard person to live with. She's always been dependent on everyone else, insanely emotional, and she uses guilt on people to get what she wants. As a matter of fact, other than you, she's the only person who has ever called me selfish. I was selfish as a teenager when I wanted to spend time with my friends. I'm selfish now because I want to start a life with my husband without her here. I think these are perfectly natural ways to feel, and so does everyone else I've ever talked to. I'm learning it's okay to be "selfish" sometimes.

    Thanks for assuming a bunch of shit about my family and life that you don't know. Have a nice day. :)
     
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  12. kozmicblues88

    kozmicblues88 Members

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    Thank you so much for what you said. It really helped me find some peace about this whole thing.

    Well, we've looked at a few options. A family friend from Tennessee just messaged her out of the blue yesterday saying she could come stay with them, rent free, at least until she gets on her feet but as long as she needs. I'll be sad to see my only family member go that far away, but I think it's the best option for everyone involved. This way she can save money, and I can always come visit.
     
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  13. Pete's Draggin'

    Pete's Draggin' Visitor

    Wonderful news.

    Im glad your mother will be with the family friend. It's a start of the healing process. I can imagine your mother is excited to go.
    You can concentrate on your husband now. Be with him, care for him , love him. I'm sure he'll reciprocate. You'll feel like a married again.

    I happy for all three of you.
     
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