First post, nice to be here.
This may be a long post, so bear with me. I have to elaborate a bit on my past to put my current problem in context. At 20 I was diagnosed with a softball sized tumor in my chest. To make a very, very long story short, I basically spent the entirety of my twenties and a large majority of my thirties fighting to survive. This battle entailed years of chemo, botched surgeries, narcotic detoxes, substance abuse, mental hospitals, remissions, reoccurances, etc etc. Needless to say it's been a ride. I'm currently 39 and I've had it.....treatment is over. I'll just get to the point, will probably be laughed at, but whatever: I'm still a virgin. During those many years I simply had neither the time, the energy, nor the psychological or emotional mind-frame or stability conducive to intimacy in my life. Its relevance was non-existent even at a time when my hormones were raging. Pretty much everything was put aside for pure survival. Now that I'm trying to return to a "normal" life (which is foreign to me), I don't know where to start in getting what I want. But trust me when I say I'm in torture not having sex. It's literally a daily torture.
Yet there's an incredible gulf to getting laid as I know nothing of how to connect with others. All that growth as a person had to be put aside. I have no career, a few college courses, very sporadic menial work experience. I also suffer Bipolar II and PTSD. I simply cannot relate to anyone my age to form any type of intimacy that I desire. The thing is, I'm desperate. I've considered Tinder and hook-up sites, but I don't want a terrible first experience, especially with a stranger who will more than likely run off laughing after discovering I'm a two-pump chump. I want to find someone who understands my situation and would take things slow. I'm already insecure enough due to my inexperience so am reticent to open myself up. I'm not unfamiliar with women, before my diagnosis I was a lifeguard and in college and was with plenty of chicks. I fooled around a lot, pretty much in every way otherwise, but never actually went all the way home because I wanted to wait for someone I cared for. This makes it all the worse as I know what I'm missing. Then the diagnosis came and ripped me out of life into one of terror, chaos, isolation and misery. Now, it's 20 years later and I'm lost and frustrated. Trying to network is incredibly hard because I have nothing in common with anyone and it's very difficult to make friends, much less partners. Masturbation only goes so far, it's nothing but an obligatory pressure release.
I'm looking for advice on how to find someone to lay down with. I'm not going to hire a hooker, not an option. A question to the ladies: would any women even be interested at this point in me? I hear being a virgin is not a big deal.....to a certain time. Then women desire experience and don't wish to have to "baby" a guy or play the mother role. I'm not a bad looking guy (I'll post pic if anyone likes). People tell me I'm attractive, and I get very attractive women sending me signals trying to engage me, but it all falls apart past superficial pleasantries because there's no commonality. I feel like I'm from Mars.
I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on one of the best things life has to offer, I'm not getting any younger, and I just don't know what to do. This is reaching suicide I'm so hopeless. People say that not having sex isn't the end of the world, but when you've never had it and see others enjoying it, discussing it in forum topics like these, and have it hammered into your head through media constantly.......yes it is. Not being included in the party sucks. Sex is everything to me at this point and it's the only thing on my mind. It's infringing on my life. It's a hunger like I've never felt, and I've been unable to satiate it.
Any advice is much appreciated.