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Out Of The Fire




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#1 lode

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Posted October 05 2016 - 05:09 PM

So after a rocky two year relationship, I'm single again. I've lost everything. My fiancee, our dog, and her daughter. 
 
It was my choice. She had been diagnosed multiple times with bipolar disorder, and refused to seek treatment for it. She had a 80-20 personality 'til recently. 80 percent of the time she was happy and in love and thought I was a great future husband/father. Than 20 percent of the time she would rage. Not normal couple fight stuff, rages.
 
The worst of it started a year ago and had gotten progressively worse. Last September She quit her job and went into the psych hospital after having invasive thoughts of killing herself. Other really dark things too. During that three weeks I was a single parent, taking her 5 year old daughter to and from school, cooking meals, reading bedtime stories. 
 
Things got a little better for a while. She was out of a job for the past year, so I supported the three of us, but otherwise she seemed happier. But there were still storms. Once a week or so, she'd fury. Towards the beginning of this summer things started getting really out of hand, and her mood swings became increasingly more volatile.
 
She started hitting the dog when she was in her rages. Telling me horrible things like 'I was like my father'. Who she'd never met, she just knew it was the most hurtful thing I could hear. She would scream in my face trying to provoke a reaction out of me. 
 
A week before we broke up I was tucking her daughter into bed and I saw a bunch of bruises on her back. I asked my fiancee about it, and she responded "she bruises easy."
 
At the last fight she smeared cake all over my face. Threw a jacket at my head, and started knocking things off the table to try and provoke a reaction out of me. When that didn't work she started picking up and dragging the dog around violently. I walked up to her and grabbed her wrist so she wouldn't hurt the dog anymore. She starts screaming at me that I'm abusive. 
 
The next day it's like nothing ever happened in her mind, she tries to seduce me. I tell her that accusations of abuse are deal-breakers and we need to see a therapist. She agrees, and walks back what she said, but when she sees I'm still mad, she doubles down, and calls me grabbing her wrist so she stops dragging the dog around abusive. She starts claiming then that I gave her an Indian Burn. 
 
The next week that follows is full of our break up, an attempt to reconcile, her deciding to join AA despite not drinking (because she refuses to accept diagnosis) and a lot of screaming in my face. I'll spare more details... I'm tired.
 
It's been almost three weeks now since she's left our home with her daughter. Before she left, she told her daughter that I never loved her in front of me. I told her daughter this wasn't true, but I know this was said repeatedly to her... she's been calling me dad for over a year.
 
It's not true. If there were anything else... we could have worked through about anything else. I love her and her daughter.  
 
Now she's a ghost to me. Doesn't respond to my texts. I only know she and her daughter are safe by texting her sister. 
 
My home is so quiet now. 

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#2 Meliai

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Posted October 05 2016 - 05:14 PM

I'm sorry to hear that. I imagine not knowing how her daughter is doing makes it doubly difficult. That is a sad situation.

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens ~Tolkien


#3 newbie-one

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Posted October 05 2016 - 05:42 PM

It's a rough break-up, but it probably had to happen.

 

I don't know if she just that she refuses to accept that she has an illness, or if not wanting to go on meds is part of it.

 

I recommend acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine a lot.  It would be best imho if she went on some meds, but acupuncture and herbs would be better than nothing.

 

I suspect that she might have more going on than just bipolar.

 

If she is suicidal at least some of the time and goes into rages, gets abusive, etc., then she's a danger to both her daughter and the dog.

 

You might want to talk to someone who knows something about how child protective services work in your state.  I suspect that a court could order her to be on meds and go to therapy if she is to maintain custody of her child.  I don't know if you, her sister, her parents, etc. are willing to accept custody if she lost it.

 

The fact that she's been in the hospital and is not on meds is a pretty powerful piece of evidence, if you want to go that route.  If her daughter still has bruises on her back and someone from child protective goes out to observe that, that's even more compelling.


Edited by newbie-one, October 05 2016 - 05:43 PM.


#4 Meliai

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Posted October 05 2016 - 05:46 PM

It's a rough break-up, but it probably had to happen.
 
I don't know if she just that she refuses to accept that she has an illness, or if not wanting to go on meds is part of it.
 
I recommend acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine a lot.  It would be best imho if she went on some meds, but acupuncture and herbs would be better than nothing.
 
I suspect that she might have more going on than just bipolar.
 
If she is suicidal at least some of the time and goes into rages, gets abusive, etc., then she's a danger to both her daughter and the dog.
 
You might want to talk to someone who knows something about how child protective services work in your state.  I suspect that a court could order her to be on meds and go to therapy if she is to maintain custody of her child.  I don't know if you, her sister, her parents, etc. are willing to accept custody if she lost it.
 
The fact that she's been in the hospital and is not on meds is a pretty powerful piece of evidence, if you want to go that route.  If her daughter still has bruises on her back and someone from child protective goes out to observe that, that's even more compelling.


Agreed. I understand you probably dont want to throw her under a bus because you love her, but if her child is in danger and there have already been signs of abuse it should be reported

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens ~Tolkien


#5 lode

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Posted October 05 2016 - 06:13 PM

It's a rough break-up, but it probably had to happen.

 

I don't know if she just that she refuses to accept that she has an illness, or if not wanting to go on meds is part of it.

 

I recommend acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine a lot.  It would be best imho if she went on some meds, but acupuncture and herbs would be better than nothing.

 

I suspect that she might have more going on than just bipolar.

 

If she is suicidal at least some of the time and goes into rages, gets abusive, etc., then she's a danger to both her daughter and the dog.

 

You might want to talk to someone who knows something about how child protective services work in your state.  I suspect that a court could order her to be on meds and go to therapy if she is to maintain custody of her child.  I don't know if you, her sister, her parents, etc. are willing to accept custody if she lost it.

 

The fact that she's been in the hospital and is not on meds is a pretty powerful piece of evidence, if you want to go that route.  If her daughter still has bruises on her back and someone from child protective goes out to observe that, that's even more compelling.

 

It did have to happen. It was untenable. Being in love with someone isn't a reason to stay in an absolutely toxic relationship.

 

I've already talked it over with a family member who worked as a crisis counselor. I took her up on her recommendation which was to call the school and ask for the counselor to give courtesy visits to her daughter. 


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#6 newbie-one

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Posted October 05 2016 - 06:56 PM

That family member probably has a better understanding of how the system works and what to do than I do.

 

Still, the chances that your ex decides to commit suicide with her daughter in the car, etc., are not zero.  While better than nothing, I'm not sure that courtesy visits from the school counselor would prevent that, nor are they necessarily going to pick up on the full range of possible abuse.

 

Does the family member/ex-counselor know the whole story, including the untreated bipolar, hospitalization, suicidal ideation, rages, and abuse?

 

It seems to me that the danger to your ex and her daughter is significant.  I'm not sure that anything short of intervention by family court would be able to change that.  I'd recommend having another conversation with your family member.



#7 aoabai

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Posted October 05 2016 - 07:08 PM

Are you sure the daughter and the dog are safe with her?

Sounds a lot like my ex boyfriend. He got diagnosed with bi-polar as well. But, instead of wanting to take his medication he wanted to take xanax and adderall, which didn't really do anything. It just made things worse. Also, he wanted to see one of those quick doctors to see if the medication is working, instead of actual therapy. And he claimed that was him going to therapy. Of course, he would just flick out completely at times, and not do anything as well.

It's weird that you talk about how she hit the dog, my ex did that too. Now, the dogs are scared of things that they weren't scared of before. It sucks.

#8 lode

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Posted October 07 2016 - 03:24 PM

That family member probably has a better understanding of how the system works and what to do than I do.

 

Still, the chances that your ex decides to commit suicide with her daughter in the car, etc., are not zero.  While better than nothing, I'm not sure that courtesy visits from the school counselor would prevent that, nor are they necessarily going to pick up on the full range of possible abuse.

 

Does the family member/ex-counselor know the whole story, including the untreated bipolar, hospitalization, suicidal ideation, rages, and abuse?

 

It seems to me that the danger to your ex and her daughter is significant.  I'm not sure that anything short of intervention by family court would be able to change that.  I'd recommend having another conversation with your family member.

 

I appreciate your concern. Right now she's staying with her (other) sister, which is the best possible outcome for her daughter, and the one that would happen if CPS got involved. As I did not take photographic evidence at the time, there is honestly nothing more I can do.

 

And she is back in contact. Actually the day after I made this thread. Of course because she needed money. But I did find out that her daughter is doing well, and my dog is staying with her family friends in the country. With some other dogs to roam around with. 


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#9 lode

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Posted October 07 2016 - 03:27 PM

It's weird that you talk about how she hit the dog, my ex did that too. Now, the dogs are scared of things that they weren't scared of before. It sucks.

 

There are two dogs. We each kept one.

 

We each named one of the dogs, so I could see how it was 'my dog' and 'her dog' now in her mind. Both times she hit the dogs, it was my dog she hit. I didn't realize it at the time, but my dog was just an outlet of her resentment.


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#10 aoabai

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Posted October 16 2016 - 09:39 PM

There are two dogs. We each kept one.
 
We each named one of the dogs, so I could see how it was 'my dog' and 'her dog' now in her mind. Both times she hit the dogs, it was my dog she hit. I didn't realize it at the time, but my dog was just an outlet of her resentment.


Agh, resentment. My ex would hit both dogs that I live with (I don't like saying, "that I have"), but he hit one more than the other, because he claimed it was due to the fact that it belonged to the guy that raped me a few years prior. To provide a bit of a backstory. I took, well... more like stole the dog of the guy that raped me. I knew who he was. So, it wasn't like he was a stranger, and I knew how he treated the dog, which was badly. So, one day I just took him. This was right after the rape. Anyways, I'm not sure if my ex was delusional enough to think that hitting the dog that used to belong to the guy that raped me was suppose to make me happy, or he just had resentment towards me, therefore hurt the dog to hurt me. I really think it's the latter, because my ex never gave a shit about me. So, I totally know how you feel.

My heart goes out to your ex girlfriend. It's hard living with any kind of mental illness, of any kind of degree. It's not a simple "Get Help" situation. I hate when people say that. It makes me wonder whether they're being passive aggressive, or they actually think that is advice. It's not that simple. With a lot of mental illnesses they mesifest themselves through really bad experiences, such as rape. So, if you address that bad experience, or experiences... odds are you can reprogram yourself to think, feel, and behave differently towards that negative experience, or experiences you had. However, with bipolar disorder, and mental illnesses similar to that... it's not caused by negative life experiences. Though, some of these people do have negative experiences that adds to their mental illness. It's something in their genetic makeup. We all have a level of temperament, our own personality traits, our mannerisms, defense mechanism, and ways of regaining equilibrium. But, with these people... all that is off, or considered not socially acceptable. So, I personally think those mental illnesses are harder to control, and deal with. Of course, people with these types of mental disorders do it everyday. So, it is very possible to be able to do it. So, I hope one day she will 'wake up' and see that she is hurting others, and in turn hurting herself because I bet she doesn't feel good hurting others.

#11 lode

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Posted November 29 2016 - 06:03 PM

It ended up getting crazier.

 

She contacted me again asking me for money which I ended up giving her. Then at the beginning of November she asked me if she and her daughter could stay with me for one month while she found a new place. 

 

Within one week, she had kept her daughter out of school and I was very concerned. At the end of the week, I drove up to my house to find her sister, a CPS agent, and four police officers there.

 

She had been living with her sister, and had been inducing vomiting in her daughter to keep her out of school. The CPS investigator asked if she could stay with me. I agreed, but my ex took her daughter and ran off that night. 

 

I had to file an affidavit to CPS. Results are pending.

 

In the mean while, my ex is trying to sue me for $4,000 as revenge for testifying to CPS. She's also suing her sister.  

 

On a positive note: I have my puppy back. 


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#12 OldDude2

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Posted November 29 2016 - 06:17 PM

Never get attached to other people's children.
When they go, their kids go too.

Sounds like a lucky escape ....... she didn't accuse you of child abuse.
PS. Never give women money, actually never give anyone your money.

Edited by OldDude2, November 29 2016 - 06:21 PM.

 Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


#13 lode

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Posted November 29 2016 - 06:31 PM

Never get attached to other people's children.
When they go, their kids go too.

 

That seems naive. We lived as a family for two years. Of course I grew attached.  


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#14 Lynnbrowngreen

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Posted November 29 2016 - 07:27 PM

Oh my...what a hard, sad situation. 

 

At the risk of sounding cold, her daughter does NOT need to be around her!  Not alone, ever!!  Since your ex is an adult, my sympathy doesn't go a great deal toward her when she has hurt the daughter (bruising and inducing vomiting are all we "know" of) and the dog.  I am so glad CPS is involved in this.  Hopefully her family will remain realistic about this and maintain a close eye on her when she is around the child.  

 

Since y'all were together for years, I understand you can't help but love her; but, I also hope you never forget how dangerous this woman is. 

 

I love animals so much, I can't (won't)  even say what I would do should I see someone that refuses to get psychiatric help harm an animal, much less an animal I love. 

 

She doesn't need to be around anything (human or animal) that is defenseless since it seems she has no scruples about taking out her fury on whatever can't take up for themselves.  Some people would argue that since she is bipolar she doesn't have any control.  However, I have personally known bipolar people out of control, off their meds.  These people would definitely flip out on an adult; but never harmed a child or animal.  Perhaps the difference being that those I knew at least admitted/accepted they were sick.  I don't know.  

 

Bless you in this plight since I'm sure it will not simply end here.  I think it is a good idea to at least let the child know you love her and will always care.  God knows this little girl has already had to deal with more than many adults.