Jumping The Age Gap

Discussion in 'True Love' started by HappyToBe, Feb 29, 2016.

  1. HappyToBe

    HappyToBe Members

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    DISCLAIMER: I would just like to start by saying I had spoken with a lawyer and looked into the statutes in my state prior to making any decisions herein, and I have operated more or less within the confines of the law (admittedly submitted myself to gray areas, but as far as written law, it remains unbroken). Don't waste text on legal cautions.

    *As far as anyone needs to know, my name is Rose, and my boyfriend is Mark. You can skip past my boring story to get to the point if you want. Lol

    I'll just get right to it, I suppose. A few months ago, when I was still 17, I made a big decision to try to change my life. I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and poor-to-nonexistent self esteem my entire life; I have always been overweight, and I view myself as extremely ugly in the face and the body. I realized my decision was strange and may have even been viewed as wrong by some, but I stand by it. I decided to look for a casual sexual relationship to lose my virginity. Even though I identified as a lesbian-leaning bisexual, I knew it would be easier on my emotions to find a male person (my attraction to pretty much anyone with tits and a vagina would make the event too emotional for me; ik it's weird).

    The search was strange, but it taught me some important lessons I was too bitter to have realized on my own: No matter who you are, someone out there is going to find you attractive; no matter where you are, there is someone worth knowing.

    Long story short (I cut out the weird potentials for your benefit!), I found a guy who was basically my last resort, I guess? I had been so creeped out by so many men (and couples) in my area in the preceding weeks (I'd even met a GI and learned that I hated kissing men) that I just fell back on a guy who sent an odd message with his phone number and a photograph of his... girthy bits. The message was in sort of broken English, so I assumed the worst: illiterate red neck in a trailer park. But being as desperate as I was and determined not to back down, I decided I'd go for it. We arranged to meet each other in my town; he said he would drive an hour to meet me. He asked for my picture, and I sent him my FB profile pic. When he saw it, he sent back, "Jesus, you're young. This isn't right. I'm too old for you. It wouldn't be fair." He made it pretty clear he thought I ought to be with some young person, and he told me he was 40. To be honest, I thought he was just trying to deflect me because of my appearance, but he actually agreed to the meetup again after we talked for a while.

    So the day comes, and I'm sitting in the parking lot of the public place I designated for our first meetup. Nobody but me and my childhood best friend knows I'm doing this, and I only told her for safety reasons. I'm feeling like death, ready to just bail, when he drives up next to me. Rather than "Stayin' Alive," my heart was more or less something by System of a Down or Amon Amarth; I could only think of how hideous I probably looked and how awful this would be (anxiety and depression kick into overdrive when you meet new people; imagine undressing in front of a stranger, even without anxiety). But, to my relief, it was a foreign man who rolled his window down next to me and gave me a wave of recognition. I actually laughed! Luckily the reason for the poor English wasn't an eighth-grade liquor addiction; it was his second language. I also learned he was a college professor. Intelligent!

    Fast forward a bit, and we're in the hotel room in town. I had had every chance to tell him I'm sorry and leave (or just bail without a word), but I stayed. Long story made less long: It was nice. Actually super nice. I had never connected with someone so well in my life. And he treated me perfectly. So I agreed I'd see him again. We saw each other steadily in secret for a while, and it started getting serious for me. He was obvious from the start he was in it for me and me only, but I initially was cautious about going monogamous. I eventually had to tell him: Mark, I lied to you about my age. I'm seventeen. And it wasn't easy. Come to find out a while later, he'd lied to me, too. He's forty-seven.

    :tumbleweed: SKIP HERE if you wanna bypass my boring story: So, now we're committed. To be honest, after the shit we've been through together and for each other, I could not imagine myself with anyone else. I truly feel like I am in love. But I know. I'm now 18, and he is now 48. The real story has more complications, but I'll leave some out for what I can salvage of brevity. He's religious; he is Middle-Eastern. Yes, he's Muslim. I'm nonreligious. Due to his high-profile job with the biggest college in the state and his affiliation with the Islamic community, he is risking a hell of a lot having this kind of relationship out of wedlock. My family now knows about us and supports us wholeheartedly (actually a huge shocker; guess they got tired of me being a bitter little bitch).

    I'm not here for advice on how to move forward, in all frankness. I know exactly what I shall do, and I shall stay by his side as long as we can both say we're in love and respect each other as we do now. But I do want to ask: what is your opinion on age gaps? Especially such large ones as thirty goddamn years.

    To be honest, there are days where I hate myself for it. People call me a gold digger or say I have daddy issues. He's been accused of being a predator. We get the most horrid/confused looks from people in public. But beyond even that, I know I will outlive him. Thirty years is a large, large gap to breach. I know if I want children, I will have to make haste. I will never be able to be as open about my relationship as others my age are about theirs. Even for all of this, I cannot convince myself I would be better off without him. When he says, "I know you'll find a young guy in college, and I'm okay with that," I honestly start to cry; I know it isn't true, but his dismissing opinion of himself hurts me to hear. There were days when I wanted to leave him and even tried to brush him off and meet someone else, but I just couldn't stop thinking about how I had to see him again. I have never had the feeling that I could scarcely survive without being able to lean on a certain person. I think it's silly, but it's how I feel. (And tbh, it isn't just the sex, so don't go there. I don't even reach orgasm from penetration. I just enjoy being close to him, being in his presence, hearing his voice and his words.)

    What happens when you fall in love with someone like that? The odds are continually stacked against us. Society has deeply fermented in a starkly objective view of sexuality and love. What do you think about people who fall outside of the norm?

    Please try to refrain from insulting my intelligence or intentions, or his for that matter. I provided context so that hopefully you will be dissuaded from making inflammatory remarks. I only wish to pick up on some honest and mindful opinions, as I have heard so much misinformation and ignorance regarding age gaps in my lifetime
     
  2. abarambling

    abarambling Banned

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    You and I have somewhat of a similar story. Though, I was a bit younger, and I wasn't trying to lose my virginality. I was just trying to find a friend. And I found a friend in someone much older. Same elements of meeting someone in the non-transitional way, having a relationship with someone you're not particularly suppose to have a relationship with and being ugly. Those elements are the same. I would say that I didn't want to do anything sexual with him and he sort of turned into a stalker towards the end, but he was a good friend overall. He was very nice to me. And attentive. Which is what I was looking for. I just needed attention from one person, and I needed one person to be nice to me, because I felt so alone and I hated myself so much.

    I still feel that way. I'm just more accepting of it. So, I don't really bother nowadays to reach out to people, in order to not feel alone and the self-hatred.

    Anyways, as for my views on age gaps go, as long as nothing sexual is done before legal age, no one is forcing anyone, both physically and emotionally and eventually the couple does out themselves to the public, then I don't see any problem with any kind of age gap, starting from age 14ish. The general rule is the younger you are the smaller the age gap SHOULD BE. So, if you're a 14 year old dating a 20 year old, I would think it's okay with the guidelines I stated above. But, if you're like a 14 year old dating a 40 year old then I would not encourage such a relationship, or I would at least need more validation that it's a healthy, nurturing relationship.

    In a perfect world, I would like 14 year olds to date someone that is their age. But, I understand that this world is far from perfect. There are adults with the mentality of kids and kids with the mentality of adults. Age doesn't always mix when it comes to someone's psychosocial development and experiences, or lack of.

    However, if you break any of the guidelines I stated above, because it's just three, then I'm crucifying your ass. If you really cared about the relationship and the other person, you would have kept it in your pants until everything was legal and no one cared. If you really cared about the relationship and the other person you would have been honest and open about the relationship. You honestly think a secret relationship will last? And if you really cared about the relationship, and the other person you wouldn't have forced them to do anything. Which is often the case with these kinds of relationships.

    I'm not saying, "You", as in you the OP. I'm just using "You" because I can't write. And I don't care to learn. As for you, you... the OP.... I think you're doing pretty good so far in the relationship. And he seems like a lonely, but sweet guy.
     
  3. Alternative_Thinker

    Alternative_Thinker Darth Mysterious

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    I can actually relate in parts, because I'm in a long-term relationship with someone 20+ years younger than me, and while I never lied about my age, she did about hers. But she became "legal" in both of our countries(neither of us are from US) a few months after we met, so I really don't see any problem there any more. The only reason why she had to lie about her age was because the website we met on had an age restriction of 18+. And it wasn't a website with a mature theme, either. It was just an online community that happened to have an age restriction.

    After over two years of being in this long distance relationship, I finally got to see her in person last year in her country, and we got to spend a lot of time together. As the result, her country has become sort of my home-away-from-home. One thing that I noticed right away when I met her for real was just how comfortable it felt to be with her. We didn't have to be talking all the time. We could just be sitting quietly at a park and enjoying the peace and quiet, and we would be content just to be there in each other's presence.

    Getting back to the original topic, I must say follow thy heart. I've always been with girls younger than myself, and my current girlfriend is by far the youngest of all......and the one I've been with the longest. I don't see that changing any time soon. In fact, it is my wish to spend the rest of my life with her, and the feeling is mutual which is always wonderful. The odds are against us, just like in your case. But in my case, my girl and I are trying to stay strong and patient, so that our sincere wishes will come true. So if you believe deep down in your heart that this guy is special, then trust your instincts. Don't be blind about it all, but don't worry too much either. Love happens because it happens. And it happens when it happens. No one can control that.

    All the best!
    ::The AT::
     
  4. HappyToBe

    HappyToBe Members

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    I agree mostly, but less so about the law. I think it's responsible to follow the law in such situations (fuck if I want someone to be a registered sex offender because of me!), I don't think the law is necessarily end-all be-all. Personally, I would 100% follow the law in that case. It is just not worth the risk. But I don't think breaking it is a moral issue in itself. I had a friend who did so, and while I don't agree with it for safety reasons, I don't believe the law-breaking itself was an inherently poor choice. She's now of legal age in our state, so it no longer matters lol. But to just be real, if you did care so much about someone, it seems to me like [imo] you wouldn't risk them being registered because of consensual sex. But that's just me. I understand sometimes things happen, I guess.

    I think it's a largely complicated issue, and you're right. I know myself at 14 might have been able to handle a 20-year-old, 30-year-old *tops*, but knowing many kids in that age group personally, I can't say the same for most of them. And the sad thing is that many of them have these relationships and end up getting hurt. It's very sad because it is entirely preventable. This is one reason why we need to be open about sex and relationships with young people. One of my ex-girlfriends had a seriously messed-up relationship with an older guy who turned dangerous. And she was sixteen, not fourteen. So, it really does depend on the individual's preparedness and maturity, you're very right.

    And yes! Secrecy in relationships can be a killer, especially when there are insufficient reasons to keep it secret. It just breeds insecurity, in my experience. Usually a red flag that one or both individuals are far too immature.

    I think it's really neat to hear others' experiences, though. It's something that isn't always safe or comfortable to talk about, but I think it's always an opportunity for learning. :) Glad to know everything turned out okay in the end. I don't think anything can ever truly "fix" deep self-esteem issues, but there are healthy ways to cope with them and circumvent some of the negative effects. It's pretty much always a strain on relationships, though.
    You're right about him being lonely! Haha we are mirrors of one another in many ways, and unfortunately depression is one of them. He describes us both as "sad people," but that's okay. We supplement each other nicely. lol!
     
  5. HappyToBe

    HappyToBe Members

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    Wow! First of all, kudos to you both. I know long-distance relationships are often very difficult.
    Omg though, that is the same reason I had to lie about my age. Haha! I was legal already in my state, though. I just needed a couple months of age-padding to allow me to use the site. Weird sometimes which websites enforce 18+ restrictions, isn't it? lol!

    :) I like to hear this because it's important to be able to share a comfortable silence. Sometimes nonverbal communication is the most important, too. I hope you get to spend many more comfortable silences together! :)

    You're certainly right. Having been in same-sex relationships (one of which was very important to me), I know very well about wishing you could change your feelings. I also know that you can't really do it. It's hard, but ultimately you have to live with it either way. :p Why not enjoy yourself to the best of your ability, right?

    All the best luck to you both, by the way! I hope things get even easier for you both as time goes by. :) You have such sweet words about her!
     
  6. abarambling

    abarambling Banned

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    I wholeheartedly believe the law is the end-all. Sex is just sex, even when you're in love or really horny. So, stop being a careless bitch and just follow it. It will be worth it in the end. If you really want to, there are other countries with younger legalization. Trust me, we don't want you. So, go ahead go.

    Again, not you... OP.
     
  7. Karen_J

    Karen_J Visitor

    I've been with guys old enough to be my grandfather, but not in a serious relationship, just a fun thing.

    I don't think anybody can tell you what kind of relationship is best for you. You will seriously hate yourself later, if you don't play this one out and see where it goes. I don't think this is going to be the last sexual relationship you ever have, but that is beside the point.
     
  8. Alternative_Thinker

    Alternative_Thinker Darth Mysterious

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    First and foremost, I appreciate your kind words. :)

    I think some long distance relationships are easier than others....... Unfortunately, in our case it's an international relationship, so we have to deal with things like the time difference and travel expenses when we do see each other for real. But we've been lasting this long because, I think, we're pretty compatible with each other. That's basically what convinced me to pursue this relationship in the first place, despite the age difference and her lying about her real age in the beginning. When the truth finally came out, it was just not as significant any more. And I, in turn, told her my own secret, and I guess the rest is history.

    Yeah, it's always nice to be able to share silence with your partner. I totally agree, nonverbal communication is important. That's why I always say compatibility, besides communication, is the key to a long-lasting relationship. In my experience, the more compatible you are with someone, the better you can learn about them, thus you don't necessarily need to say much, and vice versa.

    Again, thank you for your kind words. I hope it all works out for you, too. :)
     

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