Real Talk About Me.

Discussion in 'True Confessions' started by FireflyInTheDark, May 29, 2015.

  1. FireflyInTheDark

    FireflyInTheDark Sell-out with a Heart of Gold

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    In relationships, I am possessive, obsessive, jealous, and I have no idea what my boundaries are or how to ask for what I want. I expect the person I am with to know how much they can take before they have to start giving back, and I do expect something in return for my favors. I don’t realize this when I am handing favors out, which I do automatically, but later when I am drained, I feel resentful and accost him for taking what I offered. This is exactly the way my mother behaves in every relationship. Luckily I only behave this way in romantic ones, so at least I can still keep friends, just not lovers, because in the event that I find someone who magically and happily fits all of these requirements, I become bored, as there is no challenge. It’s not that there’s nothing to fight for; it’s the absence of a fight that bores me and stifles me.

    I develop attachments quickly to people that make me feel good about myself and I overlook red flags. I praise myself for “doing it for love” and assuring myself that “love conquers all.” I’m an idiot. I’m a monster. I thought I was a victim, but I was a co-conspirator in my own abuse as well as the abuse of my ex. We hurt each other. We were both wrong. And I blamed him all this time, when without him, I would still be unaware and subjecting someone else to it. My friends and family blamed him all this time. They took my side because they love me and they don’t know the part I played in this. If I could take it back, I would, but even seeing all of this and knowing all of this, I still can’t manage to stop myself, so I don’t wish I could go back and do it over again, because I don’t think it would have played out any differently. I don’t know if I ever will be fast enough to catch it before it’s happening. I hope my therapist can help me.

    I should be alone. I don’t know what love is. All I know is codependency and obsession. That’s how my mother loved me. That’s how her mother loved her while her father beat his wife and two little girls on a daily basis. The effects of abuse transcends generations. But I have to step up and take responsibility for this, not blame it on my past and events that I had nothing to do with. It ends with me. Starting now.
     
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  2. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    Sorry to hear that this is going on. Sounds like at least you are aware of what is going on, and are making some progress.
     
  3. YouFreeMe

    YouFreeMe Visitor

    This is tough, but it's good that you can stand back and realize it. What will you do with this information?
     
  4. Wizardofodd

    Wizardofodd Senior Member

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    Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I don't think you're doomed at all. Therapy is a good idea. You can learn to identify patterns in your behavior, triggers, etc. At least you're being honest with yourself now.
     
  5. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    Bold woman! Congratulations on your strength and willingness.

    You will end up in a healthy relationship one day.
     
  6. FireflyInTheDark

    FireflyInTheDark Sell-out with a Heart of Gold

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    I hope you're right. I'm so disturbed at realizing all of this about myself. I've been "single" for a year this month, but my ex and I have still seen each other casually on and off, and as shitty as he was to me, and as much as I know he needs me more than I need him and I would probably be healthier without him in my life, I keep coming back. Because he's the only one I wanted to keep, and he was the one that I could never fully possess. I have never had a suicidal thought in my life until this person. I laid in bed one night a few months ago and thought "nothing matters because he doesn't want me anymore," and I just wanted to take some pills, drive to his house and die in his arms. I was so sad, because I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop, and I wanted his comfort and a sign that he still cared.

    I understand how unbelievably selfish and terrible all of this is, but I'm being honest with myself because I need it to stop. I feel like flood gates are open and these realizations keep pouring out and I need to write them down because I don't know if I will remember them when I need to tell my therapist. I appreciate the support and surprising lack of judgement. I didn't expect it, but I appreciate it. I just wanted to put it somewhere and maybe see how people reacted to it. I'm trying to explore this because I want to learn. I want to change. I want to get better and I want to be happy. I'm finding happiness when I'm by myself, but in a relationship, I feel like these patterns are going to reemerge and hurt both my future lover and myself. I don't want that. I don't want to cause pain. I can't stand people who cause pain because they've been hurt. Bullies who've been bullied. But now I've become that thing I hate. I see how easy it is and how it's not always that obvious. Only my last ex has seen this side of me. I think he might be the first person to see the closest thing to my true self that I've ever revealed to another person, which is sad because we were only together for 8 months, as opposed to my ex-fiancé, whom I was with for 8 years.

    I know this isn't all there is to me. There is good too. I do think I still have value and I don't know if I would necessarily say I'm a bad person, but I'm struggling with coming to terms with my shadow, here... I don't feel good about it, but hopefully this is a start on the right path.
     
  7. abarambling

    abarambling Banned

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    This is such a beautiful post. It got me teary eye. I hope someday you figure all of this out and get what you truly deserve as a worthWHILE (Sorry, if you read that!), beautiful person.
     
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  8. FireflyInTheDark

    FireflyInTheDark Sell-out with a Heart of Gold

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    Thank you. Here's hoping. :)
     
  9. deleted

    deleted Visitor

    I think you are an honest and true person to yourself and you shouldn't change a bit ..
     
  10. Aerianne

    Aerianne Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    Take your time. Work through it. I believe you will emerge healed.
     
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  11. Moonglow181

    Moonglow181 Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    I am wishing you all the best luck in the world. Ari's comment to you made me think of this word.....
    CHRYSALIS
    The definition of a chrysalis is a hard shell spun by a caterpillar, moth or other insect in which a transformation or growth takes place. An example of chrysalis is the cocoon a caterpillar makes to become a butterfly.

    Perhaps you are going through your chrysalis period and growing pains can hurt.......but I too think you will emerge ok....... :)
     
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  12. abarambling

    abarambling Banned

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    I think you will, considering you have done quite a bit of self-actualization, and you're doing something about what you learn.

    Like someone else mentioned... take your time with it. It's going to be a slow and long process. You might even have some setbacks or just standstills, but you will get there.
     
  13. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    To take life as you find it and to be determined to make the best out of it that you can is something heroic.

    It sounds like you are on that path.
     
  14. FireflyInTheDark

    FireflyInTheDark Sell-out with a Heart of Gold

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    I have hope that you're all right. I feel a sense of pride that I've realized this about myself too, because it comforts me that this already sets me apart from my mom, who is in her 60s and I'm pretty sure she's never come to terms with these things. I'm already not her, but it's unsettling how much of her is in me... I spent my childhood and teen years going "that's not going to be me" and thinking I learned what NOT to do from watching her, but it still got in.

    This has been one of my favorite songs for a while:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7cQyZTqrPU

    And I heard this piece of crap on my way home from work today and it did a good job pulling me out of my funk: [​IMG]
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UqfrH74wc0

    Music heals... I can't listen to the playlist I made at the beginning of the year anymore. It's very apparent that I was definitely wallowing...
     
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  15. Pieceofmyheart

    Pieceofmyheart Grumpy old bitch HipForums Supporter

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    You seem to have your head in the right space, one smart cookie. :) Maybe see a counselor and talk through these things? Stay positive though...no blaming, no ill will....it will only hold you back from this journey.

    Just a note...please don't blame your mom for not realizing things like you are. Everyone has their own personal hell they lived through in their life. And...I'm guessing you may not know your mom as a woman, a human...just a mom. Which is normal...but remember she was a baby once, a child, a teen....she has lived her shit too.
     
  16. scratcho

    scratcho Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    Acknowledgement is the first step to change. You're there. Bad family characteristics can repeat and cause hell for succeeding generations. So you now have a handle on changing the influences that have caused your problems. Excellent.
     
  17. FireflyInTheDark

    FireflyInTheDark Sell-out with a Heart of Gold

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    She is extremely unhealthy to be around and continues to inflict pain and guilt on me. It's difficult not to be angry with her, because it never occurs to her not to be selfish and try to bend me to her will. But she never got out of that isolated country town. She never got away and gained perspective because she wanted to be a "good daughter" and she never got help because she didn't want people to think she was "crazy." I know she did her best with what she had. I just don't feel like it would be honest or healthy of me to deny the anger I feel, though. Maybe someday I will reach that level of zen and forgiveness, but as of right now I am too raw. I can't just force my feelings down. She hurts me every time we speak.

    I just got a promotion at work and she tried to take credit for it, saying she prayed for it to happen and actually said I should thank her. This was not a joke. She meant it. Not my hard work, not the perseverance of struggling to make ends meet from paycheck to paycheck for a year with no savings to speak of, no. Her prayers did it. She and God made it possible. And my spineless ass actually thanked her, despite wanting to scream. It was better than arguing. Because if you engage her, she will always turn it around so that she's the victim. Her behavior is constantly being reinforced by those around her because no one wants to deal with the consequences of pointing out that she is doing something wrong... Which is also not her fault, I suppose, but it is maddening.

    Anyway, I am in counseling. My therapist is continually baffled by my mother's behavior. I can't wait to read this laundry list of the ways I am exactly like her next time we meet. She's got her work cut out for her.
     
  18. Pieceofmyheart

    Pieceofmyheart Grumpy old bitch HipForums Supporter

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    Move away and never, ever speak to your horrible mother again...convince yourself she has passed on. She probably doesn't even deserve to live...what an awful, abusive messed up sub human she is. To inflict pain and guilt on her child is unforgiveable, no one deserves to have such a piece of shit like her in their life. Kill her in your mind so you can move on and be the happy, lovely person you should be.
     
  19. scratcho

    scratcho Lifetime Supporter Lifetime Supporter

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    Sometimes we ( many) of us drag our unfortunate childhood problems with us through life like a large sack of rocks. Metaphorically/mentally holds us in positions that are not at all good for us. This is not about me, but I can tell you that I didn't have parents that cared much about me at all. (thanks , gramma.) In fact they were hurtful. I, like you, got
    treatment that lasted for years. My solution was as Pieceofmyheart recommended. I simply gave them up and never looked back. It took years to rid myself of my "sack of rocks"
    ---and realize that parents or otherwise---in fact--ANYONE treats one with disrespect --you cut 'em loose and move on. We can't help who are parents are, ( and just because they are our parents doesn't automatically make them good and decent people) but we can define our lives on OUR terms and not continue to be hurt by them. You'll not change them and they (whomever--mom or otherwise) will continue to add to that metaphorical sack, a rock at a time. Go forth and don't look back,IMO.
     
  20. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    It sounds like her mom is really fucked up and doesn't even see the need to change. I wouldn't go so far as to say she doesn't deserve to live or is sub human though.

    Cutting connections with her may be a good idea.
     
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