So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pee'd off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such." The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!" To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go to see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off." She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?" The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... Just follow the yellow **** toad
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she 'd screw all night if we let her!" Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
Actually that word is the most versatile word in the English language. There is no word used as much. By its stress & inflection it can describe many emotions; no other word can be used with so much grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun: (I don't give a f===) As an adjective: (It's a f====== beauty) As a verb in its transitive form: (The game was f===== by the weather) And its intransitive form: (He well & truly f===== it up) In the past tense: (I was f=====) In the present tense (I am f=====) And in the future tense: (I'll be f=====) Everyday expressions using the afore-mentioned word: Denial: I didn't f===ing do it Perplexity: I know f==== all about it Apathy: Who gives a f=== anyway? Greetings: How the f=== are you? Resignation: Oh f=== it Derision: He f===s everything up Suspicion: Who the f=== are you? Panic: Let's get the f=== out of here Directions: F=== off Disbelief: How the f=== did you do that? ==================================== The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history, the more well known being: "What the f=== was that?" The mayor of Hiroshima "Look at all those f===ing Indians" General Custer "Where the f==='s all that water coming from?" The Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real f===ing gun" John Lennon "The f===ing throttle's stuck" Donald Campbell "Who's going to f===ing know?" President Nixon "Heads are going to f===ing roll" Anne Boleyn "Who let that f===ing woman drive?" Space Shuttle Challenger Captain "Watch him, he'll have some f===er's eye out" King Harold "I thought I could smell f===ing petrol" Nikki Lauda "What f===ing map?" Mark Thatcher "She's just a f===ing secretary" Cecil Parkinson "Any f===er can understand that" Albert Einstein "It f===ing looks like her" Picasso "What f===ing log?" Richard Branson "What the f=== do you mean I'm forever blowing bubbles?" Michael Jackson "How the f=== do you work that out?" Pythagorus "You want what on the f===ing ceiling?" Michaelangelo "You can say what you lucking fike" Professor Spooner F===-a-duck Walt Disney "Why? Because it's f===ing there" Edmund Hilary "I didn't want to ====ing go anyway" Seb Coe "Just as f===ing well" Peter Elliott "I don't suppose it's f===ing raining?" Joan of Arc "What a way to make a f===ing living" Cynthia Payne "Who gives a f=== what its name is?" Elizabeth II "I haven't got a f===ing clue" Miss Marple "Scattereds showers ny f===ing arse Noah "Oh s===, I've gone f===ing bust" Actually that word is the most versatile word in the English language. There is no word used as much. By its stress & inflection it can describe many emotions; no other word can be used with so much grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun: (I don't give a f===) As an adjective: (It's a f====== beauty) As a verb in its transitive form: (The game was f===== by the weather) And its intransitive form: (He well & truly f===== it up) In the past tense: (I was f=====) In the present tense (I am f=====) And in the future tense: (I'll be f=====) Everyday expressions using the afore-mentioned word: Denial: I didn't f===ing do it Perplexity: I know f==== all about it Apathy: Who gives a f=== anyway? Greetings: How the f=== are you? Resignation: Oh f=== it Derision: He f===s everything up Suspicion: Who the f=== are you? Panic: Let's get the f=== out of here Directions: F=== off Disbelief: How the f=== did you do that? ==================================== The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history, the more well known being: "What the f=== was that?" The mayor of Hiroshima "Look at all those f===ing Indians" General Custer "Where the f==='s all that water coming from?" The Captain of the Titanic "That's not a real f===ing gun" John Lennon "The f===ing throttle's stuck" Donald Campbell "Who's going to f===ing know?" President Nixon "Heads are going to f===ing roll" Anne Boleyn "Who let that f===ing woman drive?" Space Shuttle Challenger Captain "Watch him, he'll have some f===er's eye out" King Harold "I thought I could smell f===ing petrol" Nikki Lauda "What f===ing map?" Mark Thatcher "She's just a f===ing secretary" Cecil Parkinson "Any f===er can understand that" Albert Einstein "It f===ing looks like her" Picasso "What f===ing log?" Richard Branson "What the f=== do you mean I'm forever blowing bubbles?" Michael Jackson "How the f=== do you work that out?" Pythagorus "You want what on the f===ing ceiling?" Michaelangelo "You can say what you lucking fike" Professor Spooner F===-a-duck Walt Disney "Why? Because it's f===ing there" Edmund Hilary "I didn't want to ====ing go anyway" Seb Coe "Just as f===ing well" Peter Elliott "I don't suppose it's f===ing raining?" Joan of Arc "What a way to make a f===ing living" Cynthia Payne "Who gives a f=== what its name is?" Elizabeth II "I haven't got a f===ing clue" Miss Marple "Scattereds showers ny f===ing arse Noah "Oh s===, I've gone f===ing bust"
A brunette is at the livestock sale where she wants to buy a bull. She sees one she wants but the price tag reads £499 but she only has £500 on her so buying the bull will only leave her £1. She buys the bull anyway and then goes to the telegraph office. She says to the telegraph operator she would like to send a telegram to her sister the otherside of the country & dictates to the telegraph operator: "Just bought a bull. Please hitch the trailer to the Jeep and come out to the auction yard to bring the bull back home with me" The operator says: "That's 20p a word so that comes to £5 exactly" The brunette says: "Oh, you'd better make it one word then. Please just telegraph the word "Comfortable"" "Really Ma'm" the operator asks her. "how will your sister know you have a bull to pick up from here from you sending her just that one word?" "Oh," the replied the brunette "my sister is blonde and can only read slowly so she will definately understand" "How will she understand?" asks the operator" "She will read it "Com-for-ta-bul"
